Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

It’s a tricky one.

I wonder if Op would have been okay with him talking to another more discreet, less gossipy friend - or is the issue just that he has confided with a friend period?

If it’s the latter I do feel that’s inconsiderate towards his needs and Op has perhaps underestimated the toll her mental health struggles has taken on not just her but her husband.

I feel rather differently to many others on this thread. @ThisSpoonyShark‘s health is her private business which she has chosen to share with a very limited number of people. It’s very unfair of her DH to discuss it with someone else without consent. No doubt OP wants some privacy to manage her mental health and it’s a real breach of trust on the DH’s part.

I realise he is in a very tough position and deserves support but there is support out there for people in his situation. I understand that he wants to offload to friends but a person’s right to medical privacy has to come first. The sharing of private health information, especially, sadly, mental health, can have consequences for people, for their employment, their social life and friendships. The fact that MH difficulties are nothing to be ashamed of doesn’t negate the right to privacy.

It is not all about you, can you imagine living with someone in your situation and not being to talk to anyone about it?

Supporting someone with serious mental health issues is absolutely exhausting. Your DH needs to be able to talk to people about his situation but ideally it would be with friends that are just his and not shared.
I See why you are upset and wouldn’t want shared friends to know your story but he does have to be able to seek support for him from his friends.

One of the problems with husband sharing her info with his friends is there is zero control over who else gets told. This is private stuff and who knows who will hear this and how they could use it.

Another is that she now knows her husband will share her info, so might be less inclined to tell him what's going on. There's a big trust issue here.

I think the priority here is OP and her mental health, not her husband needing support. If he wants that, he can call a counselor. He can say he's not up to listening today. But sharing and putting her info out there, it's really a bad idea.

You make amazing and solid points.

Supporting someone through a mental health crisis and beyond is incredibly draining, your DH does need to be able to talk to someone about how it has impacted him.

Is there counselling available to him as a carer through your mental health support?

Hard though it is, I think you will have to accept that people outside the family will know what you’ve been through. I also think for your own sense of wellbeing you need to own it. You suffer from an illness that affects your MH. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s not a failing or a deficiency. It’s a state of health, like any other condition.

This, absolutely this. My sister is mentally unwell and has tried to commit suicide seven times. If I couldn't talk to my friends about it then frankly I would go mad. People need others outside of the family to lean on. They really do.

He can't support you.unless he has somewhere to go with the huge amount of stress he has been under, because living with someone with mental illness is really, really hard. I'm sorry for what you are going through but I also feel for him as well.

I’m in your husbands position and I have confided in two friends because I need support to and was at risk of burning out.

It’s ok to be upset. It’s tough enough to acknowledge your own mental health issues. It’s another step further to acknowledge that those same issues do have an impact on others and they will potentially need support too. And that’s ok too.

You also don’t get to choose who someone else uses as their support. They get to choose who they think is best for them.

However, I find often with people who you think are gossips - only actually repeat stuff that comes to them through gossip channels. Anything that’s come through a confidence route tends to stay just that.

To quote a farming tagline at the moment ‘it’s ok not to be ok’. You get to be upset. That doesn’t make what he did wrong.

He's maybe picked the wrong people but he absolutely deserves support too

I think you are being a little unreasonable but I do completely understand why you feel the way you do. Mental health struggles are so very personal and it probably feels as though your privacy has been invaded.
The thing is that supporting someone with severe mental health problems is deeply debilitating. Depression makes people selfish - not as a character flaw, more as a survival necessity.
But your husband spent a long time living on a knife edge. In his head he has probably rehearsed how he might tell your children that mummy is dead. When he puts his key in the lock, he’s frightened to open the door. It is a terrifying and traumatic thing to love someone who is so unwell that they might kill themself. And the hard work that you have done doesn’t stop his fears. And it can feel disloyal to talk to anyone else, especially when in the midst of it all but please don’t judge him for needing to talk. And please try and understand that it’s not likely that he planned to do it. He was talking to his friend and felt safe to share some of his own fears and upset. You have both been through a lot and it isn’t over so he needs understanding too. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh because it really isn’t meant to. I’m sure your husband is proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself. Mental health is a marathon and everyone involved will need to talk.

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling but as others say your husband needs a support network too.

He's out of line sharing your private medical info with anyone without you okaying it.

If he needs support, he can go to counseling. I see this as a betrayal of trust and it would be a big deal.

YANBU to be upset, you're in a diffucult and emotional place and would rather keep this to people you trust. But I agree with PP that in order to support you dh will need support.

Can you imagine how you'd feel if he'd come close to taking his own life? Would you need to talk to someone about it.

It sounds like you work very hard at staying well, I wish you strength and success.

Firstly, I'm so sorry about what you're going through and the fact you got help in time is something to be proud of.
However, and I genuinely mean this kindly, this isn't just 'your' crisis. It impacts your DH. To help you, he needs his own support. I understand why you'd rather these friends didn't know but they are the people He's chosen to help him through this. He needs support too.