Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

But he’s not trusted though. That’s OP’s issue - he’s a gossip.

This friend can't be trusted to keep confidential information to themselves though. That is why OP is upset and concerned because they are known gossips who spread juicy information that they have been told.

Surely a 'trusted' friend would be one that would support OP's DH and who would definitely keep the information to themselves. This isn't the case here.

I disagree. I think it’s healthy for him to confide in a trusted friend. That’s a lot for him as well as op

I think it’s because the friend and his wife are known gossips

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable. I’ve recently supported DH through some serious health issues and confided in a friend because it was beginning to impact my own mental health being his constant support system.

I guess flip the genders. Women are traditionally thought of as having very close friendships with other women they tell everything to and get a lot of support that way. Is this because he is male that it feels shocking and upsetting? He deserves that sort of friendship too.

I agree with other posters that your DH needs support too, and you can't tell him who he can get the support from.

However, it's unfortunate that he chose a friend who is a big gossip. I can understand your feelings about not wanting everyone talking about this, and I'm surprised DH doesn't realise why you're upset about that.

Neither of you are being unreasonable really. It's a difficult situation for both of you.

Sorry he told this particular person as you feel they weren't a good choice to tell....but as someone who has been in your DH position I can tell you he was probably desperate to talk to someone...anyone...about it.

The feeling of having to be the person worrying terribly about a loved one and having holding it all together is really really stressful and lonely.

Not minimising what you have been through.. obviously that is so much worse, but just saying I understand why he would be in a place where he needed to share.

His mistake was probably choosing that particular person! Probably didn't think it through.

Maybe you could ask him to send them a quick msg just to reiterate that what he told them was in confidence so he would appreciate if they didn't share with anyone?

He is completely, utterly, out of order sharing any of your personal medical information with anyone without your permission. It’s a violation of your trust and his position in your life.
Would he think it acceptable if you told all and sundry if, for example, he had medical issues affecting his sexual performance?? I bet he wouldn’t like that.
You need to make it very clear how you feel and what you will find acceptable or not moving forward. I’m sorry you’ve had this on top of everything else.

Could you ring up the gossipy friend and explain that you are on the mend and that you would appreciate their discretion?

I think you are being unrealistically controlling. Including in how you approach your own mental health. Depression and even suicidal ideation are really common if you shared with more people you might find some comfort.

Having had depression myself I am aware of how self-centred it makes you - and not in a positive way. It's exhausting to think about yourself, and how you come across, and generally not being good enough - all the time.

Have you thought of talking to your counsellor about how mad you are at DH and see if they can help you work through it.

No it’s not actually clear if OPs only objection to her husband sharing with a friend, is the fact it is this specific gossipy friend. It may well be but her post leaves room for doubt which is why I asked for clarification upthread.

My husband said he needed someone to talk to about it as it’s been a lot and I understand that but I feel professional support, or my parents or his parents would be better than this friend who I absolutely did not want to know such a personal thing about me

OP did not mention “another friend” in this list of suggested alternatives.

Yes, he’s a person with his own personhood.

But he told a gossip. Not a trusted friend. The other sort.

I think the priority here is OP and her mental health, not her husband needing support. If he wants that, he can call a counselor. He can say he's not up to listening today. But sharing and putting her info out there, it's really a bad idea
so he’s not a person in his own right ? Just a support human/sounding board?
why does the same then not happen, if op wants support she needs to speak to a counsellor, not him?

It's clear that OP isn't objecting to DH sharing at all, more the people he's chosen to share their struggles with

Some of you are coming at this from a pretty bad faith angle and it's not cool.

OP, it's done now. I hope nothing comes back to you from your wider circle and these people do respect your confidence.

He told the wrong friend. A known gossip.

With all due respect, as a psychotherapist @outerspacepotatothe most effective support system is an inbuilt one that can be present day to day. Building your support system is a key environmental factor in maintaining good mental health often, so as much as therapy is fantastic - I have seen a good family and friend system have a huge positive impact in most cases. Her DH needs support also that he can call on daily. Your therapist is not your friend or family, they have boundaries they cannot cross, such as popping round for a cuppa or a hug. A late night call. Sending a nice box of chocolates or a home made meal round.

This isn’t just about you, it affects your dh too so yes he should be able to tak to someone about it

What did your husband say when you reminded him about this couple's propensity to gossip? Did he swear them to secrecy?

Does he normally confide in this couple about other things? If he often uses them for advice and support without them gossiping about this information, I can see why he did it this time as he would have evidence that they could be trusted with confidential information. If he has no such evidence that they would keep the information about your suicidal thoughts to themselves, I think he was reckless to confide in them, particularly as the information was about you and not him.

Sorry for your struggles and I understand the feeling that things are private, but this is also his journey and it's incredibly hard on him as well. He needs to be able to seek support from friends as well.

Living with someone who has suicidal ideation is incredibly difficult. My first husband used to threaten suicide and his mental health was very poor. He was on antidepressants and he had people that he used to confide in as well as me but as a previous poster has said I used to have the dread every single time that I put my key in the lock that I would come home and find him dangling from a light fitting. I don’t mean that to sound uncaring, but the effect it had on my mental health was deep and lasting, and if I had not been able to confide in my friends, I’m not sure what I would’ve done because at one point I was considering taking my own life because I felt that if I was no longer there, my husband would just have to deal with things. It just goes to show how messed up your own mental health can be as a result of dealing with someone who has suicidal ideation.

I don't think speaking to a counsellor is a substitute for speaking to a friend, it's a completely different thing. Speaking to a friend makes us feel less alone and like people know us and are there for us. I've had counselling in the past which was really useful, but it didn't do that. It's probably quite lonely for your husband when you are unwell.

So whilst I understand why it is hard, I think you have to accept your husband needs the support of friends to be able to support you in the long term. It doesn't negate your hard work, you should be proud of how hard you have worked.

I’m sorry and I know it doesn’t feel nice to think of people talking about you behind your back.

However. I had a partner who sounds similar to you. And it is hard. I’m not saying it’s harder than being you. But the people supporting family or loved ones with poor mental health need support to, we really do. And sometimes we need our friends to understand what’s going on with us. I mean no disrespect by this, but your partner probably did not expect to end up with someone who struggles like you do, no one does. Sounds like he’s trying to be there for you, but he needs someone to be there for him too.

Sorry but your other half is allowed to be able to talk to whoever he feels is right doesn't particularly matter who. Would you rather he didn't care because I hear a worried man who loves his wife and wants what's best for you all.