Husband told friend personal mental health things about me

A few posters keep saying it’s just the choice of gossipy friends Op has an issue with but - as above - we actually don’t know that. The initial posts could be read either way.

Is @ThisSpoonyShark coming back to clarify or if they are done with this thread (fair enough if so)

I know, but what I’m saying is that in the scheme of things it’s really not important that a couple of people are gossiping about the OP, if indeed they are.

Anyone who has been in the position of the DH knows what that feels like. He will be suffering the consequences long after she has recovered. He’s very likely to suffer from PTSD. Years down the line, I still jump out my skin when my phone rings. I can’t tolerate any kind of alarm or siren.

What the OP could do is explain how she feels and ask him to talk to the couple again, this time to say he would be grateful if they treated what he told them in the utmost confidence. But if they’re the people he needs to talk to, then she has to accept that.

No one's disputing he needs to talk so he can have support, but he's confided in a pair of blabbermouths who gossip. This is what OP is really upset about.

Supporting someone through severe mental illness is indescribable, the usual rules do not apply.

I’m in your husband’s camp. Your mental health will affect his and he is entitled and sensible to talk to his friends about it.

Really? Even if it's something very personal to his wife? It feels disloyal to me but I guess we're all different.

Surely you realise he needs help and support as well?

How can he support you if doesnt feel supported?

You cant pick and choose who can and cant talk to about it, that would be very controlling and selfish.

YABU, Sorry. My ex had on and off depression and the occasional crisis and it honestly was so incredibly draining. It contributed to our divorce. It was not the only thing of course but do not underestimate the impact this has on him.

I had kept it all quiet re exDH and one of my regrets is not reaching out to a friend.

But OP's husband should be free to talk to whoever he wants about what's on his mind - it's not OP's place to say he can't.

I think it's the choice of person that's the problem, they're likely to gossip and tell people.

That's very selfish if he can and wants to talk to a close friend or family member then he has every right too. Holding him hostage and forbidding him to talk unless it's to a pre-approved by you contact is very controlling and I sincerely hope you never do this to anyone.

But did he need to say about the suicide attempt? That's very sensitive information. He could've said he was having a tough time, without blabbing the finer details. I agree with OP, if my DH told people I would be very upset.

I understand why you feel the way you feel, but honestly your DH needs support too. It’s one of the hardest things a spouse can do to support a partner going through a crisis. If this is what it takes to stop him spiralling then this is what it takes.
Mental illness is entirely focussed on oneself. A selfish disease. It just is. You cannot see truly the impact it is having on those around you. I speak as someone who has suffered a lot. I am sorry you are suffering.

Anyone closely dealing with someone who has MH problems needs support.

It's something that happened to him though as well. Experiencing someone having a crisis, suicidal ideation, SH etc is very distressing.

Especially If you love them so very dearly and don't really know how to help them. So it's only fair that he can talk about this with someone if he feels comfortable doing so.

You can't really police him speaking about his own life and what's happening in it, even if it does involve you and your struggles.

I hope things improve for you x

Maybe he didn't intend to tell this friend, but he did, it just came out as he's at his wits end.

I don’t think people are missing this. What they’re saying is that she can’t dictate who he turns to for the support he needs. She can’t control who her parents or his parents talk to either.

Yes, some people will gossip and judge. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the welfare of her DH who has supported her through very difficult times and faces the possibility of having to do so again.

It's someone DH felt able to open up to. OP wanted it kept in the family or a professional. From. Dh's pov it would have been much easier to talk to someone who wasn't involved.

But she doesn't get to choose who he shares his problems with.

Imagine a thread from a woman saying "DH won't let me speak to Betty and June about my problems, AIBU to talk to them anyway?"

Nobody would be on the DH's side.

Indeed. The friend and his wife are known gossips.

It seems that many posters aren’t understanding this.

I get that but it is his choice of friend that he shared with that seems to be upsetting OP more

Sorry that you’re going through this op but I agree it’s his journey too, telling a friend is a game changer with mh issues, I hugely disagree with payers saying he should only tell a counsellor, it takes time to find the right counsellor, he has a right to tell people and get it off his chest. He chose to tell them as it was something he needed to do at that time

Did you ask DH to keep the information confidential from his friend?
His life has flashed before him, he is probably imagining all sorts of dark thoughts, finding your cold body, explaining your death to the children, losing his wife, job, his identity.
I am sorry that you considered ending it all but he’s under serious pressure as he didn’t identify the problem and you could have went through with the death. He isn’t sure if or when it’ll happen again.

I 'm sorry to hear you've been struggling OP and I wish you well, but YABU. It's not just your journey, it's his journey too. He's just walking a different path but still a very hard one. He shouldn't be restricted to just talking to your parents or his parents (which is much worse than confiding in a friend) and you can't govern whom he chooses to confide it.

It's very hard living with someone who has mental health issues. I did it for many years but I left in the end but who knows, maybe if I had confided in people about how bad it could be, maybe our outcome would have been different.

Cut him some slack, this is as hard for him as it is for you, just in a different way.

firstly, I am sorry you are going through this, and genuinely I do think your feelings are valid and totally understandable.

but

I have been in your DHs shoes, and the stress on him is immense. This year I have been brought to breaking point by my DHs struggles and if your DH needed to offload then good for him. I sympathise with him a lot.

When people with MH struggles rely on others and talk about what they are going through, often at length and repetitively, they are passing a massive burden onto the people they talk to. It’s a lot.

You are implementing your own coping strategies, and he is doing the same, and I hope it gives him the strength to keep on supporting you.