Is it just me who feels like this when socialising??

My brother and I both suffered this really badly. Our parents would drum into us 'Be on best behaviour, don't let us down' before we went out socially and it completely terrified us into burying our real selves and performing an act in order to be liked/avoid punishment afterwards.

He had therapy and the therapist made it clear this treatment was the result of the problem. Understanding that really helped us both.

The therapist said an amazing thing that was transformative for me. She said not to think if people like you, but to ask yourself if you like the people you're socialising with. That had never occurred to me. I assumed it was for them to judge me and I just had to conform/perform in order to be good enough.

It changed me. But it took me and DB into our 50s to get to the bottom of this. What a waste of time all that worrying was.

Can I please just say to other posters. How lovely, thoughtful, kind, funny and articulate you all sound. Anyone would be lucky to be in your company.

I suffer from severe social anxiety and I get this just by walking down the street "people are staring at you, you're walking funny, that person is laughing, it must be because of how stupid you look" this is my daily life, it is so bad I don't really go out and I have even avoided family because of it, when I do have to go out I pray for rain so I can put my hood up and "hide", seen a psychologist who seems to think I also display autistic traits but I haven't been diagnosed as I don't want to wait for the assessments as having someone observe me is my worst nightmare and I find it way too stressful. The only relief I get is on a weekend where there are no expectations to see anyone, I haven't worked in a long time because I would break down in tears because my brain was telling me how incompetent people thought I was so I'm a stay at home mum now, which also brings stress in other ways, teachers meetings etc.. i can't imagine not being this way as I have always suffered from it since very very young

Yes, i feel like this a lot, but i have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder. It doesn't only affect me at social events (which i avoid unless I have to go, e.g kids parties, school stuff etc I do force myself to go!) But every day situations like work, talking to family, going to the shops! Its like social judgement commentary in your head 24/7, only anti depressants can silence it in my case.

OP, you need to treat everyone else like your partner. If they are bored by you, that's their problem.

YANBU. Some people struggle with socialising. I've always struggled. I'm now 60 and still struggle. It used to really make me stressed and anxious. It still does, but at least now I've accepted that it's "who I am" and just the way I'm wired. I used to spend a lot of mindspace on evaluating what I was saying, what I did, and rehearsing and planning to do things better next time. Nothing ever worked. I desperately wanted to get it right, like everyone else seemed to get it right, especially as a teenager and when I was in my 20's. But it never happened. The more I tried to change myself, the more I didn't change. By the time I hit my 30's I realised nothing was going to change and just accepted it and started minimising my socialising. I just did the bare minimum, i.e. family events and the works Xmas do. I was still hopeless at socialising, but at least it was only a couple of times per year. I think I've found "inner peace" now I've finally accepted it's just who I am and I actually think I prefer social events when I'm not trying to be something I'm not.

I do get this but I think it motivates me to do better at socialising. I prepare a few topics to talk about beforehand, and act a bit more outgoing than I feel to talk to people and make them laugh and feel comfortable. Later I think about whether I did well or not. I still enjoy socialising despite this.

Yes, but I have autism.

No. I don't have this voice. And I am in my 50s. Because actually no one is thinking about me. I am not that important.
How much time do you spend assessing other people at a party? None, right?

Mine always arrived the next day ' what did you say that for? You were speaking too much, I bet they're laughing at you today' etc etc. It was awful and really put me off socialising. I have no idea whose voice it was, just part of the general inner unkindness I experienced.

Mine only subsided as a side product of learning to drive. I was quite anxious so before my lessons, I would have to psych myself up to get in the car and the best way I found was to look at myself in the mirror and say positive things to myself. So for the best part of six months, I spent 5 minutes every week hearing myself say good things about me, effectively giving myself mental and physical hugs.

It obviously cleared something in my brain because I rarely hear that critical voice now and if it does go to start up, I can shut it down straight away so it's not a thing any more. I definitely am more willing to socialise now.

I don’t drink any more so now I realise what a crutch my drinking was re socialising. My party trick is to walk in and FORCE my inner voice to say ‘I love socialising. Doesn’t everyone look fascinating. They’re probably all shy so I’m going to be lovely to them and ask lots of questions and compliment them’. That sort of thing. Stop wondering how you can feel better and start making other people feel better.
Sounds holier-than-thou but it does work!

Yes I do, but I’m autistic so I have this voice pretty much constantly for everything. Before conversations, if the socialising is planned, I’ll plan sentences or topics topics to talk about, then during I’ll have that inner voice reminding me about eye contact, how to stand, my expressions and reactions, then telling me off for not listening when I’ve got distracted, worrying about how I’m supposed to react to something they’re saying, planning what to say next. Then I’ll kind of score myself after and I’ll analyze thee whole event and congratulate me if I’ve done well, or work out what I could have done better if not.

Can relate to everything you've written, OP. I've tried CBT for my social anxiety and still struggle!

Same
It's exhausting isn't it 😫

I kill mine with alcohol. Or I don't go out. This is not good advice.

Yes I have this, but it seems to be worst post event. Analysing why did I say that, i should’ve been more x etc. Even if I’m home early I know I won’t be able to get to sleep

I only feel like this with people I’m not fully comfortable with like awkward colleagues or people who I’m just mutual friends with ie friends of friends.

personally if I feel like this, I don’t actually see it as a negative reflection of me. It’s more that, I just know I don’t get along with that person & should prioritise other people

Yep, my dad was the archetype critical parent.

After a significant amount of therapy, I understood that my inner critic - I named her Fucky Nell - is trying to protect me by anticipating Dad's judgements. So stopped trying to shut her up, started thanking her for looking out for me, and gently told her we are not a kid any more and Dad's dead. Still a work in progress and always will be, but it's much, much better.

However, I never had this particular problem because Dad had no interest in my social functioning. As long as I was quiet, smiled enough and answered questions politely, I was good. I first heard of "singing for your supper" from a friend's mum in my late teens, and I liked it. I think I'm fairly good at that - making a social contribution - yet have NO desire, unconscious or otherwise, to be the star of the show. I don't "perform" and don't expect everybody to like or admire me. I pay more attention to whether I like them.

Maybe some of you could start having friendly talks with your personal Nells.

I get it too,literally analyae everything and drinking makes it so much worse!

Yes! I just...have conversations. I know I'm not perfect, I have my faults. If people dislike me for my faults then we're incompatible, it doesn't mean either of us is a horrible person or a complete waste of space. Nobody is perfect so I just don't worry about having faults. If nobody wanted to be friends with me then obviously I'd take a long hard look at myself! But that's not the case, most people like me, some people become friends with me. So I'm fine then, no better or worse than anyone else.

Yes, I have an inner monologue. You can train it, because its you. I guess it's currently giving voice to some lack of self-esteem? Or judging everyone else as the situation doesn't complement your jolly japes?
Not everyone has one. Mine helped sustain anorexia for years, but with confidence-building, or ego shrinking, you can enjoy having an intelligent inner life.

to All that have this negative inner voice, did you have a critical parent ?

I've never had that voice. I believe it's a low self esteem thing and probably isn't your voice but the voice of someone who always criticised you, even if it doesn't sound like their actual voice. It's one of those things that can be fixed with therapy, I think. I don't think it goes away on its own though, if you've got it.

I think a lot of people can relate to this. Just musing here.... it might be an inner critic thing that you need to shut down, but it might be a good self-awareness thing (haven't we all been with someone who could do with reflecting whether their monologue is boring?!) And also...when do you NOT feel this? Who are the people, who, when you talk, are listening with interest and the inner critic is silent? Maybe it's as simple as not finding the right people to talk to? There are people who make you ask yourself if you're boring/awkward etc and then there are the people who make you think, yes, I can do this! I made a joke, and they're laughing. I talked about something I care about, and they're asking questions!