leave job because of dh mental health?

Dh worked nights, including weekends, and I worked 9-5 during the week (with over time). We saved a lot on childcare and it meant DD had one parent around but the shift work put a strain on family life. The evenings were lonely and we rarely had family time at the weekend. I don't think you should quit your job but maybe look for a job where you at least work fewer evenings.

Can you afford to buy in some help? Or employ an au pair who can assist from school/nursery pick up until 8pm?

I think he can manage for five weeks until your hours change.

This is ridiculous. Man 'cant' cope with the 3 children he decidied to have, so woman has to give up her job and financial independence, to do it all. What does he think single parents do?

If you're going to give up work to cater to him, then at least make sure he pays into a pension for you.

Could you have a childminder to collect at 11:30 and give them lunch to extend your available hours. Noone is going to offer 9-11 but may 9-12:30 or 14:00 in hospitality to cover lunch.

I'd quit until they were in school and things were calmer tbh. Working opposite shifts is really hard for families, and your children are so small.

Always keep a back up plan and keep in mind that you can go back to working in hospitality any time. I don't think you'd lose those skills from a couple of years staying at home with your kids.

I feel for both of you. Yes I would give up the job and tackle the bedtimes together. It’s still going to be hard even with 2 of you at those young ages. All the very best x

Is there a reason you both don’t have a bedtime routine for your children that works for you all? I feel for your husband working full time then coming home to chaos with 3 young children and on his own. He needs time to unwind in the evenings. I’d go mad if I were him with no downtime, sounds horrendous and not something you can sustain. Did you ever have a routine for your eldest? If not, what made you decide to have a 2nd and 3rd?

OK hadn't seen your last post before I replied.
I'm not denying it's hard as hell. Can he articulate what bits he finds most challenging and can you help come up with better strategies for managing them?

Are you sure this isn't weaponised incompetence?

I actually do feel for him and you.

I work Monday to Friday 9-5 in quite a stressful job and that’s a lot of kids to look after straight from work. The two I have are plenty for me and they are older.

To me the kids take priority. If you can afford to then I would stop working until January and then start once you have more childcare.

Nothing is as important as health and he doesn’t sound healthy.

I get what some people are saying but you know him best and if he’s being a lazy dick or genuinely struggling.

It sounds like he's leading you up the garden path with all this talk of his mental health. What he wants to do is come home from work, sit on his arse all evening and instead he's having to graft for a few hours to get very young kids to bed. If he made an effort, he'd then have the rest of the evening to himself anyway - but what he's telling you loud and clear is that he's too important for that.

Give in to him at your peril. Start reading him the riot act if you come home and he's done fuck all.

Would he manage them during the day at the weekend and 1 evening a week?

The likes of Aldi can be good for hours if you can do a 12 hour on a weekend day then one evening a week.

It sounds like things can't stay as they are so it might give you options.

I tend to agree with @ObliviousCoalmine. He is a shit parent and is offloading his responsibility onto you. If they are really that difficult to put to bed, then how are you going to cope with it yourself and is he going to support you doing it? I am going to suggest that he will continue lounging on the sofa while you do 100% of parenting alone.
Instead of leaving your job, I'd consider leaving the husband.

He needs to get on with it really, how does he think single parents cope? I only had 2 kids admittedly and not 3 but my husband worked late nights including at weekends so I had to do the bedtimes on my own. It’s only looking after kids yes it’s relentless but it’s hardly brain surgery

There’s a very big part of me that thinks he’s just “not coping” at being a basic parent. It sounds more like you’re being manipulated into leaving your job so he can do less.

If you worked 9-5 and were coming home and putting the kids to bed, would you be consistently messaging him about having had enough? Would you just not bother to parent and snipe at the kids and wait for the other parent to come back to deal with it?

I’m betting that’s a no.

I had a similar situation to you, and my life improved immeasurably when my ex husband left. Turns out the problem wasn’t the kids or their ages, it was just him being a useless parent…

You both need to agree a strict and simple evening meal and bedtime routine that makes it manageable and predictable, same routine every night. Children like structure and it will make it easier for your DH to cope.

Alternative is for him to leave the house permanently (for the safety of the children as he's threatening to harm himself if you don't give up work, after all) and you claim UC and child maintenance. Then go back to work when it works for you.

but you've said

"dd is going to have better hours at nursery from mid january and then i can do day shifts instead"

So it's just grinding it out for the next five weeks or so.

Surely he could put on his big man pants, until then @worried7wiwuo ?

That's his failings - you shouldn't be forced to give up your independence and take on 100% of the parenting because he's feeling sorry for himself (as per the lounging on the sofa and the place being a mess) and taking his temper out on the children.

Would you do day shifts at the same place in mid Jan? Is that agreed? If so what can you do to get there ok? Could you take any holiday, unpaid parental leave...? Could he? Seems silly to quit a job for the sake of a couple of weeks