Page 9 | To not want SC to move in?

Phylllis · 2025-12-14T19:48:59+00:00

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed. I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away. Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us. I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to. In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be). The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it. AIBU?

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 16:00

DisappearingGirl · 15/12/2025 15:37

I think the OP and her DP would have been happy for them to spend more time at theirs, or move in, at age 14 or younger.

The problem is they don't want to. They're planning to stay at mum's till they're 18 and have failed their exams

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No. The mum has said she is kicking them out at 18. Very different.
So the eldest is kicked out, then a year or 2 later dc 2 is kicked out and then a year or 2 after that dc 3 is kicked out. People are talking as though all 3 will be kicked out at the same time - but the op has only said once they are 18 and if the mum is all about the money then surely she won’t let a child go whilst she still gets money for them? So the ‘unlikeable unemployable’ 14yr olds is going to watch the older siblings get kicked out (on their 18th?) and see a glimpse into their own future. What a sad state of bloody affairs. Makes me glad I decided never to date a man with children (before I had my own) and now I have my own never to date a man with young children because I have yet to see a blended family that works and doesn’t neglect the dc from the first relationship

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 15:55

jellybellyready · 15/12/2025 15:39

Blame their mum, they could of moved in with OP and their dad but the mum likes the benefit money a bit to much to let them go and give them a head start now.

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So the dad gets away Scot free? He still pays for his 17yr olds mobile rather than parent her and tell her to get a job! He has failed his dc as much as the mum.

Op - I know I, and a couple of posters, suggested you had your dp live separately temporarily so he can house his daughters but honestly- I would run away from him. He has proven himself to be useless. Like the pp said - he will end up being equally shit to you and your dc.

InterIgnis · 15/12/2025 15:41

Tbh it sounds like he’d struggle to find a place big enough to house all of his children without you. He would also, I imagine, struggle to afford all the things they envision getting. I’m sure he’s aware of this too.

You absolutely can say no to this (he can as well, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he does just that once the reality sinks in). Well done for telling him what you have already.

jellybellyready · 15/12/2025 15:39

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 15:23

Fuck me. You are saying a 14yr old is unlikeable, unemployable and they will amount to nothing. I hope to god one adult in their life steps up for them and at least tries to set them up on the right path. Jesus Christ. I can’t believe you wrote those those things about 3 kids under the age of 18 who already know their mum doesn’t want them and will soon find out their dad and step mum doesn’t either. They are acting up probably because they know both their parents only give a shit about money and not actually about them

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Blame their mum, they could of moved in with OP and their dad but the mum likes the benefit money a bit to much to let them go and give them a head start now.

DisappearingGirl · 15/12/2025 15:37

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 15:23

Fuck me. You are saying a 14yr old is unlikeable, unemployable and they will amount to nothing. I hope to god one adult in their life steps up for them and at least tries to set them up on the right path. Jesus Christ. I can’t believe you wrote those those things about 3 kids under the age of 18 who already know their mum doesn’t want them and will soon find out their dad and step mum doesn’t either. They are acting up probably because they know both their parents only give a shit about money and not actually about them

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I think the OP and her DP would have been happy for them to spend more time at theirs, or move in, at age 14 or younger.

The problem is they don't want to. They're planning to stay at mum's till they're 18 and have failed their exams

chocorabbit · 15/12/2025 15:32

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:54

I have discussed things like screen time, homework and chores for SC for over a decade with DP and really not got anywhere. They argue and he gives in for an easy life. If I raised these suggestions, he’d agree, but it’d be me left to enforce it.

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You are a nice and thoughtful person OP. Your DP wants an easy life now but both of you and his DC will end up with big troubles ahead. I can't understand what people think at times.

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 15:23

GreyBeeplus3 · 15/12/2025 15:14

Just say you're NOT doing any of that!
Their mother knows how to stir doesn't she and only now does he get it
You don't want them, tell him that they'll have to sort themselves out
They'll probably not amount to anything, but it's already obvious they're assuming ensuite bathrooms and luxurious living surroundings in an enormous house with money thrown in
They probably assume that between him and you you'll financially make up for 'lost time' and they'll be on easy street forever
All I can say to you is stick to your guns
They're not employable
Don't sound likeable
It's all his problem
Not yours, none of it, so stop breaking your own back trying to cushion theirs
Another thing:-
If you had been percieved as a much less nicer more tougher person when you got together
Would any of this have occurred?

Fuck me. You are saying a 14yr old is unlikeable, unemployable and they will amount to nothing. I hope to god one adult in their life steps up for them and at least tries to set them up on the right path. Jesus Christ. I can’t believe you wrote those those things about 3 kids under the age of 18 who already know their mum doesn’t want them and will soon find out their dad and step mum doesn’t either. They are acting up probably because they know both their parents only give a shit about money and not actually about them

nightmarepickle2025 · 15/12/2025 15:19

So your husband has left them in a neglectful environment for 12 years only seeing them once a fortnight?

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2025 15:19

"I’ve told him I’m not leaving our nice town and DDs aren’t changing schools. I’m not taking out a bigger mortgage and delaying my retirement to accommodate SC in being lazy adults. I’m not being the one left with managing SC and DDs all day whilst he’s out at work, and I can’t WFH downstairs when they’re here so SDs will need to share a room."

well done, you have though of many things I would not have thought of. I think stick to your guns. I hope your husband can understand.

GreyBeeplus3 · 15/12/2025 15:14

Just say you're NOT doing any of that!
Their mother knows how to stir doesn't she and only now does he get it
You don't want them, tell him that they'll have to sort themselves out
They'll probably not amount to anything, but it's already obvious they're assuming ensuite bathrooms and luxurious living surroundings in an enormous house with money thrown in
They probably assume that between him and you you'll financially make up for 'lost time' and they'll be on easy street forever
All I can say to you is stick to your guns
They're not employable
Don't sound likeable
It's all his problem
Not yours, none of it, so stop breaking your own back trying to cushion theirs
Another thing:-
If you had been percieved as a much less nicer more tougher person when you got together
Would any of this have occurred?

Frillysweetpea · 15/12/2025 15:00

If your DP is prepared to continue paying equivalent kind of sums he could rent a house for them and give them due warning it is for a time limited period whilst they put themselves through college. I can forsee problems at the end of that period but if they don't shape up that's on them by their early 20s. You shouldn't have to be their skivvy, OP.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 15/12/2025 14:27

I'd be looking to buy my own place, OP.
I sold my house to move in with my then DP and a year later his 19-year old daughter and her boyfriend moved in (having been kicked out by her mum and then his parents). Daughter had dropped out of college 3 times, was bone idle, unemployed (20+ years later she still is but I digress...) It was an absolute nightmare.

Tryingatleast · 15/12/2025 14:26

op as someone who has two out of four kids that don’t read a lot and years ago had continuous problems with nits in the house I hate your list of why their mum is obviously not parenting!!Saying that I do think it’s a bit strange they assume they’ll jump ship at 18, while a lot of older children live at home now, it’s so odd this is when they want to move!!

Naunet · 15/12/2025 14:25

TFImBackIn · 14/12/2025 19:54

I wouldn't put up with that, either. It really pisses me off that someone thinks they can mess up a child and then pass them on to someone else afterwards (coincidentally when no more money is forthcoming).

What, like their father? Being a parent doesn't mean stepping back, leaving it all to mum whilst you critises but do fuck all to sort it out.

Holluschickie · 15/12/2025 14:19

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 14:19

@the7Vabo I'm with you on that. I went out with someone many years ago who turned up to a date with his two sons, both under 10. He hadn't said he had DC, not a word. I broke up with him very quickly after that

Lucky escape.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 14:19

@the7Vabo I'm with you on that. I went out with someone many years ago who turned up to a date with his two sons, both under 10. He hadn't said he had DC, not a word. I broke up with him very quickly after that

nutbrownhare15 · 15/12/2025 14:17

Ultimately DH is their parent. I think all you can do is talk to him about the challenges you are having right now and steps you can take to enforce boundaries in your own home right now. If you start by working together on these you can discuss how to develop those strategies if they move in and that they will only be moving in if you are happy that your own boundaries are being respected and that he is able to manage conflicts in the house with your support. If he can't do that 1. They won't be moving in 2. You will have to re-evaluate your own relationship with him

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 14:08

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 12:44

We didn’t have much time to talk last night, but he was shocked and confused that they expect us to buy a bigger house. Apparently SD1 was also alluding to new hobbies she’s going to try and that she’d be getting swimming lessons?

When they were children, and we discussed them moving in, we did say we might need to move house and that they’d be able to take up new hobbies if they were with us on weeknights… But that was when they’d be children, not 18+.

It’s all quite bizarre. DP is going to speak with SD1 separately because she does have a history of taking things literally. I didn’t put this earlier because it’s not really relevant but she has some very questionable views on feminism and gender roles, wholly obtained through TikTok and YouTube, and does seem to think it’s DP’s job to pay for her until she gets married. I find her ‘debates’ on the matter tedious and ignorant but I’m sure I was an insufferable teen too! I get the impression she thinks I’m slightly dim for working.

Have your children had swimming lessons just out of interest ?

The fact that these poor little souls are now expressing some zest for life and interest in learning Any skill should be embraced wholeheartedly.
And paid for immediately by their father.

Mt563 · 15/12/2025 14:06

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:58

I saw that.
The OP seems to be frustrated at the kids, their Mum and her DP but not herself.
I just understand how anyone could have kids with someone with 3 kids and assume it was going to go a certain way. If I met a man with 3 kids I would be out of there faster than my legs could carry me. 3 kids equals a hell of a lot of responsibility including financial. And that’s only the start.
I wouldn’t have been thinking oh well they’ll be gone at 18, because I wouldn’t have hung around that long & im not sure I know anyone who would.

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There's a difference between expecting them to be gone and them moving in full time with no notice. As they'd shown no previous interest in living with dad, I think it was fair to expect that to continue.

I think there are still plenty of teenagers who after full time education do essentially move out for at least most of the year. So there's a huge difference between expecting them home a few weeks several times a year around holidays and being there full time (by the sounds with no job or education so literally just in the house all day every day)

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:58

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 13:51

@the7Vabo this post from the Op is what I was refering to, I'm sure when the DSC were small the Op hoped they'd all be in a very different situation by now. Surely no DP or DSP hopes the DC will grow up and want to do nothing with their lives

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I saw that.
The OP seems to be frustrated at the kids, their Mum and her DP but not herself.
I just understand how anyone could have kids with someone with 3 kids and assume it was going to go a certain way. If I met a man with 3 kids I would be out of there faster than my legs could carry me. 3 kids equals a hell of a lot of responsibility including financial. And that’s only the start.
I wouldn’t have been thinking oh well they’ll be gone at 18, because I wouldn’t have hung around that long & im not sure I know anyone who would.

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 13:53

It would be bad enough if we were talking about ONE young adult, lacking in motivation, moving in, but three?????

FerrisWheelsandLilacs · 15/12/2025 13:52

TFImBackIn · 14/12/2025 19:54

I wouldn't put up with that, either. It really pisses me off that someone thinks they can mess up a child and then pass them on to someone else afterwards (coincidentally when no more money is forthcoming).

Or, more accurately, two parents “mess up” the children and then one of them takes responsibility for them when that parent no longer has to provide financial support.

The Mum in the situation didn’t mess the children up any more than their Dad did, and if he chose not to step up earlier then he can now reap the reward of his parenting efforts.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 13:51

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 07:24

Maybe it’s demographics but I honestly don’t know anyone who lived at home with their parents past 18 or 19. The vast majority went to uni, others moved into houseshares, some stayed for a year to save or went travelling, myself and DP included in those categories. Nowadays, I know of some young people socially or through work, and most are in houseshares in cities. The few who live at home are on full-time apprenticeships or living in multi generational homes as they’re Asian. I don’t know anyone who’s repeating a level 1 course like SD1.

DP got home late after dropping them back and said they were talking in the car about how we’d need to move to a cheaper nearby town so the girls got their own bathroom(s). They’d been looking up houses and sending them to him. Apparently their mum has told them that we’ll need a bigger house when they are all here. I think the penny has finally dropped for him that they’re expecting to swap one dosshouse for another, permanent, more luxurious one.

I’ve told him I’m not leaving our nice town and DDs aren’t changing schools. I’m not taking out a bigger mortgage and delaying my retirement to accommodate SC in being lazy adults. I’m not being the one left with managing SC and DDs all day whilst he’s out at work, and I can’t WFH downstairs when they’re here so SDs will need to share a room.

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@the7Vabo this post from the Op is what I was refering to, I'm sure when the DSC were small the Op hoped they'd all be in a very different situation by now. Surely no DP or DSP hopes the DC will grow up and want to do nothing with their lives

jenny38 · 15/12/2025 13:44

Regardless of if you are being unreasonable, you are within your rights to say no. My own experience is it is difficult to motivate teens who don't want to work. Maybe help them to apply for part time jobs near their mums now.

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:44

teawithjamandbread2 · 15/12/2025 13:40

I haven’t read the full thread but I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You have hit the nail on the head - they are adults. And lazy ones by the sounds of it. I’m not saying they should be getting their own places at this stage but it does seem very unfair that the mother has kept them throughout their childhood, raised them very badly then as soon as child support stops decides they are your problem.

Regardless they are still your husbands kids but if they do move in I would be setting some very clear rules straight away.

In short their father’s contract with them was every second weekend & holidays. When the OP tried to get him to enforce boundaries with the 3 kids he didn’t.
DM sounds like a disaster but the kids ending up like this is not entirely down to her. And what if it was? Should their father just shrug and wash his hands of his own kids. The ones he hasn’t like with since they were all tiny.