Page 8 | To not want SC to move in?

Phylllis · 2025-12-14T19:48:59+00:00

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed. I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away. Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us. I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to. In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be). The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it. AIBU?

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 09:58

Now you have acknowledged that the sdc will be kicked out by their mum in a staggered manner how do you feel about oldest sdc coming to yours?

£450 a month allowances for 3 dc? Come on now OP. Why is your dp giving an allowance to the 17yr old?

You/your dp can’t complain about tech and meals out because that is your choice and shouldn’t be blamed on the sdc nor the mum when it comes to tallying up how much your dp spends. Maybe instead of throwing his money around (that he seemingly has to be at work constantly to make) your dp should actively parent?

£200 a month fuel? How many miles away do your sdc live?

Uniforms are pretty much once maximum twice a year.

Whatsthatsheila · 16/12/2025 09:53

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 09:26

DP pays £800 maintenance to their mum, £450 allowances plus uniforms and tech plus stuff like presents and meals out. Plus about £200 a month on fuel to see them, plus half of our actual housing costs. So at least £2000 a month goes directly on SC.

Renting a place for them sounds like a good idea, but if SD1 moved first, the CMS would only go down by about £150. He couldn’t afford to rent a flat and be paying £1850 a month (I don’t think many people could!)

I think what people were suggesting was find a flat and front up the deposit. But do NOT act as a guarantor.

the rent bills living expenses are on them whether it’s through work housing benefit whatever.

the7Vabo · 16/12/2025 09:52

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 09:26

DP pays £800 maintenance to their mum, £450 allowances plus uniforms and tech plus stuff like presents and meals out. Plus about £200 a month on fuel to see them, plus half of our actual housing costs. So at least £2000 a month goes directly on SC.

Renting a place for them sounds like a good idea, but if SD1 moved first, the CMS would only go down by about £150. He couldn’t afford to rent a flat and be paying £1850 a month (I don’t think many people could!)

When you planned early retirement had you planned on DP not paying for older 3 past 18?

You didn’t move near his kids so would your housing costs be drastically different without them? You might have a 3 as opposed to a 4 bed house but that doesn’t seem hugely different in a nice area.

Original poster

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 09:26

DP pays £800 maintenance to their mum, £450 allowances plus uniforms and tech plus stuff like presents and meals out. Plus about £200 a month on fuel to see them, plus half of our actual housing costs. So at least £2000 a month goes directly on SC.

Renting a place for them sounds like a good idea, but if SD1 moved first, the CMS would only go down by about £150. He couldn’t afford to rent a flat and be paying £1850 a month (I don’t think many people could!)

OP posts:

NearlyMonday · 16/12/2025 07:58

SandyY2K · 16/12/2025 03:32

Maybe when they realise your aren't buying a new house with ensuite bathrooms, they'll think twice about moving in.

I think you may be right. Next time there’s any mention of moving in, I would take the opportunity to point out that as you have no plans to move, it would be very cramped! This May at least sow some seeds of doubt

SandyY2K · 16/12/2025 03:32

Maybe when they realise your aren't buying a new house with ensuite bathrooms, they'll think twice about moving in.

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 02:22

YellowCherry · 16/12/2025 02:14

Actually @Phylllis how about this for an idea? It would mean that the DSC have to learn to look after themselves (doing their own cooking etc) and OP doesn't have to give up her calm home, but their dad can't be accused of abandoning them.

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How will that work? Should he rent a 3bedroom house even though the 3 dc will be moving out separately over a period of 3-4 years? So the oldest will be living on her own at 18 for at least a year, then her next sibling will move in 1-2 years later followed by the youngest sibling 1-2 years after that? Or would the father rent a 1 bedroom flat whilst only the oldest needs it and then upgrade when 2nd one is kicked out and get a bigger place again when 3rd one is kicked out?

YellowCherry · 16/12/2025 02:14

Frillysweetpea · 15/12/2025 15:00

If your DP is prepared to continue paying equivalent kind of sums he could rent a house for them and give them due warning it is for a time limited period whilst they put themselves through college. I can forsee problems at the end of that period but if they don't shape up that's on them by their early 20s. You shouldn't have to be their skivvy, OP.

Actually @Phylllis how about this for an idea? It would mean that the DSC have to learn to look after themselves (doing their own cooking etc) and OP doesn't have to give up her calm home, but their dad can't be accused of abandoning them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2025 22:46

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 16:16

Cms rates are so low and so many men want thanks for paying the bear minimum.

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Yep. And even worse if they are on uc an refuse to work so I get a paltry £27.50 a month

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 21:52

OP, have you made it clear you really couldn’t live like that?

Doubledenim305 · 15/12/2025 21:03

Do not listen to people who say ...oh if they get a job or jump through certain hoops then yes.
Once they are in, that's the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Doubledenim305 · 15/12/2025 21:01

They are talking about how you need to sell your house, move closer etc etc. ENTITLED.
Doss at your luxurious house and you become their skivvy and food provider will suit them and your partner just fine.
Im screaming inside NOOOOOOO. No negotiation. Not happening. At first sign it is happening you be gone...with your kids. He can live in the s*hole he created.

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/12/2025 20:14

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 16:00

No. The mum has said she is kicking them out at 18. Very different.
So the eldest is kicked out, then a year or 2 later dc 2 is kicked out and then a year or 2 after that dc 3 is kicked out. People are talking as though all 3 will be kicked out at the same time - but the op has only said once they are 18 and if the mum is all about the money then surely she won’t let a child go whilst she still gets money for them? So the ‘unlikeable unemployable’ 14yr olds is going to watch the older siblings get kicked out (on their 18th?) and see a glimpse into their own future. What a sad state of bloody affairs. Makes me glad I decided never to date a man with children (before I had my own) and now I have my own never to date a man with young children because I have yet to see a blended family that works and doesn’t neglect the dc from the first relationship

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I’m sure the dad neglects all his dc, but the op covers for him with the ones they had together.

RetirementTimes · 15/12/2025 19:16

Luckily the op is not married to him.

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 18:26

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 18:23

Just a reminder that it’s the job of both parents to finance the children, not just the father

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🙄 apparently the mother is on benefits, so that’s already taken care of ….
But Come on 8 pounds a day

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 18:23

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 18:08

£800 for three children are you actually taking the piss? Wow
8 pound per child per day no wonder she’s living the viva Loca 🤣🤣
You couldn’t feed a teenager with that

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Just a reminder that it’s the job of both parents to finance the children, not just the father

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 18:08

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:27

Because she doesn’t contribute to anything like that, and from my perspective, the £800 should go towards it.

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£800 for three children are you actually taking the piss? Wow
8 pound per child per day no wonder she’s living the viva Loca 🤣🤣
You couldn’t feed a teenager with that

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 17:21

It has to be a joint decision between you and your husband as it affects not only both of you but also your children too. It should not be a default option for them all to just bundle into your house and freeload!

Absolutely this. It doesn't sound like your existing house is big enough (this might actually be helpful) and when they realise you won't/can't buy a bigger house, I do wonder if that may change things?

So the practical limitations may actually work in your favour. But please reassure me your DP has no intention of buying a bigger house???

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 16:41

ShitShowCoordinator · 15/12/2025 16:37

So the step kids constantly had nits, weren't reading, were, and still are, failing school, regularly turning up to school unwashed in filthy clothes, weren’t sleeping as their mum had friends round a lot, screens in rooms so gaming all night - and the OP believes maybe if their Dad hadn’t made their life at their mum’s so comfortable, they’d have developed more of a work ethic or moved in with them?! All whilst he fucks off to procreate twice more, still unable to parent on the measley time he spends with his kids, and is too busy planning for his early retirement?

The bar is so low, even an ant couldn't limbo under it. Got to be a wind up.

Edited

if a child turned up at my kids school like this they’d stand out a mile and alarms bells would be going off all over the place.

Fair enough DH went to court and made it clear they were welcome in his house, but he seems to have lived 2 hours away. And most importantly he didn’t do what he needed to do when the kids were actually with him.

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 16:38

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 15:55

So the dad gets away Scot free? He still pays for his 17yr olds mobile rather than parent her and tell her to get a job! He has failed his dc as much as the mum.

Op - I know I, and a couple of posters, suggested you had your dp live separately temporarily so he can house his daughters but honestly- I would run away from him. He has proven himself to be useless. Like the pp said - he will end up being equally shit to you and your dc.

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It’s sounds like DH is able to be a support parent if someone else manages the situation for him. The OP is doing that for the younger two.

For the older ones it seems neither mum nor dad are able to be the lead parent as such.

In fairness to DH he has provided financial support, and they have rooms in his house.

But they were so young when he left the family home. They’ve since been neglected fairly badly by the sounds of things. And 3 more children have been added into the mix. And they probably are being wound up by their mother about what they are entitled to, and they don’t understand that the offer of living with their dad was for a certain time of their lives.

The problem is nobody actually parented them so they are at a huge disadvantage. Clearly they went physically well cared for, no one took an interest in their education aside from the OP’s bi-weekly efforts and no one put boundaries in place when they really needed them.

They need support now or they’ll be a lost cause. If not up to the OP to provide it but DH should step up.

ShitShowCoordinator · 15/12/2025 16:37

So the step kids constantly had nits, weren't reading, were, and still are, failing school, regularly turning up to school unwashed in filthy clothes, weren’t sleeping as their mum had friends round a lot, screens in rooms so gaming all night - and the OP believes maybe if their Dad hadn’t made their life at their mum’s so comfortable, they’d have developed more of a work ethic or moved in with them?! All whilst he fucks off to procreate twice more, still unable to parent on the measley time he spends with his kids, and is too busy planning for his early retirement?

The bar is so low, even an ant couldn't limbo under it. Got to be a wind up.

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 16:16

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2025 16:02

It only goes up a few % per child

CMS basic rates (gross weekly income)

1 child: 12%
2 children: 16%
3 or more children: 19%

so 225 for one would be £361 for 3 kids

my friend gets 400 for 3 from her ex who is slightly over nmw

so getting 800 would mean ex wouid be on around £4k a month so £48k a year ish

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Cms rates are so low and so many men want thanks for paying the bear minimum.

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 16:12

RetirementTimes · 15/12/2025 16:00

They are ‘moving in’ when they are 18. @Phylllis needs to strike now and prevent it.

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They will move in staggered so only 1 at first - they could use that as an opportunity to put boundaries in place and set an example to the the younger 2. They won’t because the op has made it clear she doesn’t want them there (not judging op - just stating facts)

OP what would you do if mum died suddenly? Leave them to their step dad? Let them move in? Move out yourself?

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2025 16:02

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 13:29

I know! 25 years ago I got cms minimum for 1 child and that was £225 - and he wasn’t a high earner

Neither parent are a great benchmark

Edited

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It only goes up a few % per child

CMS basic rates (gross weekly income)

1 child: 12%
2 children: 16%
3 or more children: 19%

so 225 for one would be £361 for 3 kids

my friend gets 400 for 3 from her ex who is slightly over nmw

so getting 800 would mean ex wouid be on around £4k a month so £48k a year ish

RetirementTimes · 15/12/2025 16:00

sittingonabeach · 15/12/2025 13:43

@teawithjamandbread2 they are 14,16 and 17, not sure that counts as adults.

They are ‘moving in’ when they are 18. @Phylllis needs to strike now and prevent it.