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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SC to move in?

584 replies

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:48

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
kittywittyandpretty · 16/12/2025 14:20

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 12:34

How is £150 a month pocket money standard for a 17yr old? How is £500 a month on tech, school uniform, presents and eating out standard for 3 teenagers? Some mners really do live in a completely different world if that is what they are spending 😱

No wonder the dc are unmotivated and the 17yr old is jobless if the barely there father throws money at them like this but won’t actually actively parent them

Show quote history

Actually, read what’s written, he doesn’t pay that.
£150 pocket money is included in the £450.
Ask any parent of a teenager, whether you give it to them in cash and say there’s £150 if you’re an absent parent
Or whether it drips throughout the month with a 10 here 20 quid there, trip to the cinema, rock climbing, pizza after school it’s the same.

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 13:53

Or you dp could severely reduce the amount he gives his dc every month - even reducing it by £800 a month would mean he could work less and be around for all his dc more. He wouldn’t have a problem with that would he?

Haemagoblin · 16/12/2025 13:52

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 13:34

No way does all of that come to £150 a month per child. Absolutely ridiculous.

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Also no wonder they want to stay at their mums if he is providing them with the money to ameliorate her crapness. What teenager wouldn't choose the slack parent if they still get to enjoy the budget of the one with rules and boundaries? Why not provide the niceties at his home and furnish her with CMS but say if they want additional funds they need to move in to his house so he can be more of an influence in their lives??

The reason is because he doesn't want to be. He has never wanted them or he wouldn't have left them. He doesn't mind throwing money at them because it means he doesn't have to put the work in to turning them into decent human beings.

Original poster
Phylllis · 16/12/2025 13:43

sprigatito · 16/12/2025 13:32

You’re talking about 18 year olds. Most parents in this country expect to be housing their 18 year olds, or supporting them financially if at university. I completely agree that they should be studying or working, and their father should be facilitating and encouraging that, though arguably it is more his fault than theirs that their lives haven’t turned out that way at this point. You’re being hyperbolic talking about “housing them forever” when what is being proposed is that he house them - for the first time since they were toddlers - at an age where that is completely normal and expected for British teenagers.

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That’s what’s a shock to me I guess. I moved out at 16, DP at 18. I lived away from home for uni and had no friends who lived with family. I have only a couple of friends with children who are 18+ but they’ve all gone to uni and moved out too.

If any SC moved in, DP would need to seriously cut his hours and be there in the mornings to get them out of bed, and evenings to cook for them and so on. I’m not up for being the primary parent to workshy, rude adults.

This would mean he’d need to severely cut his hours so the money going to their mum would go down rapidly. But I guess that’s what she’s preempting anyway.

OP posts:
Holluschickie · 16/12/2025 13:35

I am still housing my early 20s DC in London who boomerang in and out. I dont even charge rent!
But they are studying and working and help with all chores.
Everybody needs to know that kids need support a lot longer these days with rents being what they are. Have fewer kids. Unless you are loaded.

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 13:34

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 13:32

The £150 each pays for all their clothes and toiletries at both houses, phone bills, subscriptions and things like Netflix at their mum’s, local travel at their mum’s, any trips out at their mum’s.

Like I said before, I do think because he pays so much, their mum gets away with paying basically nothing for them, and spins a narrative that dad will pay for everything. But the flip side is, if he doesn’t pay, they were going without. I used to get sick of checking their bags to see if they’ve hidden away toiletries and clothes; at least now they’re teens he just gives them the money and they manage what they need in both homes.

Show quote history

No way does all of that come to £150 a month per child. Absolutely ridiculous.

sprigatito · 16/12/2025 13:32

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 13:27

I’d expected things like help with a wedding or a deposit, a few hundred pounds a month through higher education, maybe a termly online shop and bailing out if they needed it. I didn’t expect DP would be housing them, or routinely paying out thousands forever.

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You’re talking about 18 year olds. Most parents in this country expect to be housing their 18 year olds, or supporting them financially if at university. I completely agree that they should be studying or working, and their father should be facilitating and encouraging that, though arguably it is more his fault than theirs that their lives haven’t turned out that way at this point. You’re being hyperbolic talking about “housing them forever” when what is being proposed is that he house them - for the first time since they were toddlers - at an age where that is completely normal and expected for British teenagers.

Original poster
Phylllis · 16/12/2025 13:32

BernardButlersBra · 16/12/2025 13:10

I agree. That’s silly money to be throwing around. I am afraid l need to agree with you; he’s throwing money at them whilst opting out of actually doing REAL parenting. Leaving their mum and step mum to do it

Show quote history

The £150 each pays for all their clothes and toiletries at both houses, phone bills, subscriptions and things like Netflix at their mum’s, local travel at their mum’s, any trips out at their mum’s.

Like I said before, I do think because he pays so much, their mum gets away with paying basically nothing for them, and spins a narrative that dad will pay for everything. But the flip side is, if he doesn’t pay, they were going without. I used to get sick of checking their bags to see if they’ve hidden away toiletries and clothes; at least now they’re teens he just gives them the money and they manage what they need in both homes.

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 16/12/2025 13:32

justasking111 · 16/12/2025 13:21

Jakers I'm surprised we weren't in trouble with social services. We had three kids. Once they were 16 they got weekend and school holiday jobs. They also worked for farmers at hay making times. They continued this right through university. Two in hospitality, one in farming. That money was for them to spend as they saw fit.

They still managed to revise for GCSE and A levels which some on here think is impossible.

The result they've always been good employees, not an entitled bone in their body.

I had a weekend, holiday job at 14 for Tesco. Their father at 14 in a factory. The money was lovely.

Yeah, it always make me chuckle when people say it’s not possible to have a part time job and study. I always worked whilst studying and supported myself. I have 4 A levels and a 1st class honours degree, on a course that required lots of (unpaid) clinical placements

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 13:31

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/12/2025 13:27

He could start by saying that there's no pocket money at all unless they are in full time education with good attendance and passing their exams. He is spineless

Exactly! And stop monthly meals out and monthly tech and monthly presents - that would save him hundreds! Unfortunately it would mean he would have to parent so he probably wouldn’t go for that

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 13:30

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 13:27

I’d expected things like help with a wedding or a deposit, a few hundred pounds a month through higher education, maybe a termly online shop and bailing out if they needed it. I didn’t expect DP would be housing them, or routinely paying out thousands forever.

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But if you get together with someone who already has children there is always a possibility that they could end up living with you due to ill health, disability or death. Or…their mum kicking them out.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/12/2025 13:27

He could start by saying that there's no pocket money at all unless they are in full time education with good attendance and passing their exams. He is spineless

Original poster
Phylllis · 16/12/2025 13:27

the7Vabo · 16/12/2025 09:52

When you planned early retirement had you planned on DP not paying for older 3 past 18?

You didn’t move near his kids so would your housing costs be drastically different without them? You might have a 3 as opposed to a 4 bed house but that doesn’t seem hugely different in a nice area.

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I’d expected things like help with a wedding or a deposit, a few hundred pounds a month through higher education, maybe a termly online shop and bailing out if they needed it. I didn’t expect DP would be housing them, or routinely paying out thousands forever.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 16/12/2025 13:27

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 20:21

But you knew what he was like and chose to have kids with him anyway.

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I always wonder whether this oft-trotted out pointless comment comes from one of those crap mothers like the one the OP is dealing with.

justasking111 · 16/12/2025 13:21

Jakers I'm surprised we weren't in trouble with social services. We had three kids. Once they were 16 they got weekend and school holiday jobs. They also worked for farmers at hay making times. They continued this right through university. Two in hospitality, one in farming. That money was for them to spend as they saw fit.

They still managed to revise for GCSE and A levels which some on here think is impossible.

The result they've always been good employees, not an entitled bone in their body.

I had a weekend, holiday job at 14 for Tesco. Their father at 14 in a factory. The money was lovely.

BernardButlersBra · 16/12/2025 13:10

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 12:27

Look at what the op said. £450 a month for pocket money for 3 dc plus approx £500 a month on tech, school uniform, presents and eating out. This is why the father is not around much to parent his children because he is working all the hours to pay for the above because he is shit and taking the easiest way out. No wonder the dc are work shy and expect so much. The dad has failed them massively.

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I agree. That’s silly money to be throwing around. I am afraid l need to agree with you; he’s throwing money at them whilst opting out of actually doing REAL parenting. Leaving their mum and step mum to do it

Motomum23 · 16/12/2025 12:41

My teenagers get £20 a month pocket money and their phone bill paid (£7 each) when my oldest turned 18 he said mum can you stop the pocket money I've got a job and I don't need it. OK so he doesn't pay rent (saving for his own place eventually) but he pays for his own bills/clothes/car etc. You can house adults without allowing them to be dependant.

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 12:34

kittywittyandpretty · 16/12/2025 12:30

Mate, that standard for anybody that’s got teenagers.

What you’d actually be better off doing is buying a place for the kids, Then you have an investment and a safe place for them to live and know that it won’t be pulled out from under them until they’re ready to leave.

Show quote history

How is £150 a month pocket money standard for a 17yr old? How is £500 a month on tech, school uniform, presents and eating out standard for 3 teenagers? Some mners really do live in a completely different world if that is what they are spending 😱

No wonder the dc are unmotivated and the 17yr old is jobless if the barely there father throws money at them like this but won’t actually actively parent them

kittywittyandpretty · 16/12/2025 12:30

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 09:26

DP pays £800 maintenance to their mum, £450 allowances plus uniforms and tech plus stuff like presents and meals out. Plus about £200 a month on fuel to see them, plus half of our actual housing costs. So at least £2000 a month goes directly on SC.

Renting a place for them sounds like a good idea, but if SD1 moved first, the CMS would only go down by about £150. He couldn’t afford to rent a flat and be paying £1850 a month (I don’t think many people could!)

Mate, that standard for anybody that’s got teenagers.

What you’d actually be better off doing is buying a place for the kids, Then you have an investment and a safe place for them to live and know that it won’t be pulled out from under them until they’re ready to leave.

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 12:27

BernardButlersBra · 16/12/2025 12:13

Why rent a place for them?! They can rent their own place and get a job. No point in encouraging laziness and dependency

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Look at what the op said. £450 a month for pocket money for 3 dc plus approx £500 a month on tech, school uniform, presents and eating out. This is why the father is not around much to parent his children because he is working all the hours to pay for the above because he is shit and taking the easiest way out. No wonder the dc are work shy and expect so much. The dad has failed them massively.

BernardButlersBra · 16/12/2025 12:13

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 09:26

DP pays £800 maintenance to their mum, £450 allowances plus uniforms and tech plus stuff like presents and meals out. Plus about £200 a month on fuel to see them, plus half of our actual housing costs. So at least £2000 a month goes directly on SC.

Renting a place for them sounds like a good idea, but if SD1 moved first, the CMS would only go down by about £150. He couldn’t afford to rent a flat and be paying £1850 a month (I don’t think many people could!)

Why rent a place for them?! They can rent their own place and get a job. No point in encouraging laziness and dependency

NearlyMonday · 16/12/2025 12:12

Howmanycatsistoomany · 16/12/2025 12:06

Renting the SC a place is a terrible idea IMO. What would that teach them? That they get given a flat, fully paid for by daddy, even though they flunked school/college and don't have jobs?

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He would be bank rolling them forever

SandyY2K · 16/12/2025 12:10

Whatsthatsheila · 16/12/2025 09:53

I think what people were suggesting was find a flat and front up the deposit. But do NOT act as a guarantor.

the rent bills living expenses are on them whether it’s through work housing benefit whatever.

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Without jobs ir a guarantor, nobody would rent then a flat, as they have no income.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 16/12/2025 12:06

Phylllis · 16/12/2025 09:26

DP pays £800 maintenance to their mum, £450 allowances plus uniforms and tech plus stuff like presents and meals out. Plus about £200 a month on fuel to see them, plus half of our actual housing costs. So at least £2000 a month goes directly on SC.

Renting a place for them sounds like a good idea, but if SD1 moved first, the CMS would only go down by about £150. He couldn’t afford to rent a flat and be paying £1850 a month (I don’t think many people could!)

Renting the SC a place is a terrible idea IMO. What would that teach them? That they get given a flat, fully paid for by daddy, even though they flunked school/college and don't have jobs?

IAmKerplunk · 16/12/2025 10:01

Sorry I’ve got to come back to this! Your dp gives each of his 3 dc £150 a month pocket money and then you say he is always at work and your sdc are materialistic? 🤣