To not want SC to move in?

precisely, living in La La Land.
He would be an absolutely despicable person if he buggered off and left his older three. Surely you wouldn’t want that? If he can do it to them, he can do it to yours ?

That’s what’s a shock to me I guess. I moved out at 16, DP at 18. I lived away from home for uni and had no friends who lived with family. I have only a couple of friends with children who are 18+ but they’ve all gone to uni and moved out too.

If any SC moved in, DP would need to seriously cut his hours and be there in the mornings to get them out of bed, and evenings to cook for them and so on. I’m not up for being the primary parent to workshy, rude adults.

This would mean he’d need to severely cut his hours so the money going to their mum would go down rapidly. But I guess that’s what she’s preempting anyway.

I can predict this is unlikely to happen. The man has 5 kids!

My dc are 26, 20, 15 and 11. I know plenty of teenagers. My older 2 both got part time jobs at 16 on top of school so paid for any extras themselves. No way does my 15yr old cost £150 a month in clothes and going out.

I can’t predict the future (clearly!) but our loose plan was that when SC are adults and DDs finish higher education (and they wouldn’t live at home for this as we don’t live close to a uni) we’d retire, travel a bit and move abroad to another country, whilst maintaining a small base in the UK.

None of that will be possible if we’re housing three adults.

This is not actually the point of the thread

My dc are 26, 20, 15 and 11. I know plenty of teenagers. My older 2 both got part time jobs at 16 on top of school so paid for any extras themselves. No way does my 15yr old cost £150 a month in clothes and going out.

I can’t predict the future (clearly!) but our loose plan was that when SC are adults and DDs finish higher education (and they wouldn’t live at home for this as we don’t live close to a uni) we’d retire, travel a bit and move abroad to another country, whilst maintaining a small base in the UK.

None of that will be possible if we’re housing three adults.

Yes, I think so, in the short term. I don’t think SD1 will want to move here now her bubble’s been burst, to be honest, so she’s going to need to weigh up her options with her mum.

In the longer term, DP and I need to have a proper discussion about it. Ultimately I’m not looking to live with or be financially responsible for SC indefinitely, and I don’t know what that means.

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

I did read what’s written.The £450 is the pocket money. (3dc so £150 each) In a later post the op clarified this covers clothes/toiletries/netflix/other subscriptions/activities and travel whilst at mums house. * *I don’t know anyone who hands over £150 per month to a teenager and certainly not a teenager who costs that as per the ops list. Plus on top of that op says her dp spends circa £800-900 monthly in totisk for tech/eating out/presents for his 3dc.

DP has spoken to SD1 (on speakerphone) to clarify that:

• we won’t be moving house
• anyone moving in would be expected to be in full-time work or college, and if not, volunteering or in the town hall library studying and applying
• they’d need to keep to our hours, so no waking people up in the night or expecting DDs to be quiet whilst they sleep in the day
• they’d need to pay keep (job/study dependent) and help around the house

SD1’s exact response was “but why would I move in then?”

I’m sad, DP isn’t saying much but I can tell he’s really disappointed, and SD sounded bewildered. I really feel sorry for her, she’s not prepared for real life at all.

Maybe it’s demographics but I honestly don’t know anyone who lived at home with their parents past 18 or 19. The vast majority went to uni, others moved into houseshares, some stayed for a year to save or went travelling, myself and DP included in those categories. Nowadays, I know of some young people socially or through work, and most are in houseshares in cities. The few who live at home are on full-time apprenticeships or living in multi generational homes as they’re Asian. I don’t know anyone who’s repeating a level 1 course like SD1.

DP got home late after dropping them back and said they were talking in the car about how we’d need to move to a cheaper nearby town so the girls got their own bathroom(s). They’d been looking up houses and sending them to him. Apparently their mum has told them that we’ll need a bigger house when they are all here. I think the penny has finally dropped for him that they’re expecting to swap one dosshouse for another, permanent, more luxurious one.

I’ve told him I’m not leaving our nice town and DDs aren’t changing schools. I’m not taking out a bigger mortgage and delaying my retirement to accommodate SC in being lazy adults. I’m not being the one left with managing SC and DDs all day whilst he’s out at work, and I can’t WFH downstairs when they’re here so SDs will need to share a room.