To not want SC to move in?

The joys of getting with people who already have children, they is always the chance they’ll come to live at yours. You can’t only choose to have the best parts of step family life.

Without the op’s support he will not be able to maintain three young adults if they are not working.

I think this is a very wise, thoughtful answer

I do think there is a lot of this.

It wasn’t in the first 3 children’s best interests for dad to have 2 more. OP & he ensured that a dad who isn’t great with them anyway has even less time & resources to spend on them.

And you resent them for having needs other than the needs you decided it is ok for them to have. You’ve decided to draw a line in the sand at 18 even though you know that the kids were badly let down and won’t naturally have the same coping skills as other 18 year olds.

They could potentially live with their dad if you weren’t in the picture. I never had to deal with step parents so I can’t imagine what it would be like if I needed sign off from a third person to live with my own parent.

What a pile of shit 😂

So many lazy boring tropes on this thread said either from the ‘smug married’ position of those who have never had to go through the family courts. Or those who didn’t go through the family court in these enlightened times of assumed 50/50 but 10 years ago when EOW was considered a ‘lucky’ win for a father.

Or the barely disguised vitriol of a woman whose former husband has had a new family. With the frankly banal ‘you knew he had kids when you married him’ .. (with the subtext being that the new wife MUST be an OW) and therefore her just deserts are to be the chef, nanny and maid to rude, entitled and sometimes simply ill mannered unpleasant children who would have been fed the relentless drip drip drip of poison against dad and new partner into young malleable minds 12/14days a fortnight , by that paragon of all things virtuous- the moral, principled, selfless uber mother- of- the-children ,who has been left for this obvious trollop !
Why SHOULD she be allowed to enjoy her time with her children ? . Let’s fuck it up and make mine hate their dad and new wife whilst at the same time foisting them upon him against their wishes. Used as little weekend weapons all primed and ready to pop with resentment of being ‘sent to dads’ when a) they want to stay home and go out with their mates.. and b) their mum has spent 10 years drilling into them just how hateful he and the trollop are . (The fact that a huge number of second families are NOT due to affairs doesn’t appear to stop first children’s mothers from the character assassination of the father. )
The whole thing is fucked up.

The only light on the horizon is the fact that ‘custody’ is now default 50/50. Giving fathers a real chance to maintain relationships on separation. It won’t stop parents of either sex indulging in
parental alienation and then pushing kids upon that parent and raising their hands in mock horror that fucked up kids used to score points - are awful to live with. It might flatten the playing field a bit though.

one thing is for sure . The step mother doesn’t deserve any of this shit show.

And to some degree OP this has something to do with you. You had 2 more kids with a man who wasn’t doing a good job with his first 3. That was unfair to all the kids involved.

Oh I missed that. Well that’s batshit crazy! He certainly owes them practical and emotional support as young adults and help prepare them to be independent and fly the nest willingly and not because neither parent wants them the minute they turn 18. He won’t step up

Not living with them until grown up, no. But it’s definitely been said that they owe the SC support when there are DGC, because of what the dad failed to do whilst they were growing up, otherwise they would be considered ‘despicable’.

Who has said they expect the dad to house them indefinitely until imaginary GC have grown up? 😂

I accept that the OP and her DH should support the SC, until they’re in a position to look after themselves, but that doesn’t mean they owe them indefinitely, certainly not until any GC have grown up, which seems to be what some of you are implying.

Apart from anything else, they shouldn’t be having DC until they’re in a position to take the responsibility themselves, not rely on their dad and his DW.

The idiots that say children should be independent when they’re 365 days past their 17th birthday are usually handed their arse.
But nobody is suggesting if you have raised them with any kind of input whatsoever that you shouldn’t be able to release them into the wild at some stage
It’s when you’ve done fuck all for the first 18 years you’ve got work to do for that little bit longer to ensure a successful launch
Or not depending on how you feel all about it
And whether you’re bothered or not, if people think you’re despicable.

@Dorosomethingbeautiful why, maybe time for Dad to step up.

And posters aren't saying they should never be independent, but it's not like either parent seems to have given them any life skills yet, so maybe time for dad to start parenting. Get the impression he thinks throwing money at the problem will sort out parenting deficit

Yes, we can’t have the real children tarnished can we?

I get the impression some posters think the OP and her DH should never expect his DC to be independent ever. Or if that’s not what they’re saying, when would they not be ‘despicable’ to expect them to be independent? When they themselves need support?

Normally, MN posters are keen to tell us that children should be independent at 18. Apparently these 3 should be under no obligation to support themselves?

Don’t do it OP, you will regret it. Put your foot down, they should stay with their mother

Shit! How did I ever get on in life by not being taught how to plumb in a washing machine? (clue: I never got taught because my parents couldn't afford one)(answer: I read the manual that came with the machine)
Never got taught wallpapering either. Or how to change a nappy. And I'm a self taught cook. Never went back to live with parents after Uni either. But hey, according to you my parents were cunts. Thanks for telling me!

Same point. The children are equally, if not more, likely to move away.

Sadly I think you might be right. But there are still some teachers out there supporting kids with less than ideal home lives. I know one teacher at my dc school and the teacher is really going over and above even though the child in question (my dc friend) is no longer at that school.

I was a teenager in the 90s and needed school support due to my home life but sadly they did nothing. I would love to go back and advocate for myself and make different choices at school but I was knee deep in grief and my surviving parent was also in shock. That’s why I feel so frustrated with this thread because these dc have 2 living parents who have no reason not to raise them properly with good ethics but all they care about is downsizing/retiring early and money.

The pp who said what could the dad do when only having them eow - well how much contact with the schools has he had? What has dad said at parents evenings? Why did he work all the time and leave most of eow when his dc were visiting with his wife? Why didn’t he increase how often he saw them to every week (doesn’t even have to be for the whole weekend) so he is a more regular presence in their lives? If he is tradie why isn’t he teaching them these skills? My youngest (11) goes to their dad eow and goes to work with his dad (who is a tradie) and is already picking up skills.

I disagree. There is more structured support for careers more so than there has ever been. Pupils have access to careers fairs, talks etc. Plus there is more structured supported in terms of pupil premium support, extra Maths and English support. Schools get judged on NEETS so they do put effort into reducing that number. The problem is the engagement of pupils especially those who all think they are going to be social media influencers or the like.

The op needs to ensure her two dc are not influenced by their older half siblings in this respect

I think there’s less support now than there was during the 90s and the 2000s and there was bugger all then.
If I could go back knowing what I know now about career options and universities and apprenticeships, you’d be laughing.
It really does rely heavily on parents advocating for children and getting them to navigate the system as to what the outcome will be.
If you don’t have that, you do everything in life the hard way.

It wouldn’t be if you’d spent your children’s childhood preparing them for independence, Knowing that you could go and live your life having ensured they’ve had the best possible education, gained qualifications, work experience given them a few years living at home to build up a deposit to buy or rent a home, taught them how to cook, taught them how to Plumb in a washing machine and do a bit of wallpapering, change a nappy etc

If you’ve done none of that then you’re a bit of a Cunt wouldn’t you say for leaving them to their own devices, And yes, I would say that about the mother as well.

You can’t expect to have much of a relationship with your grandchildren and your children as adults moving forward if you’re not even in the same country as them even if you’ve done everything right up until that point.

OP has zero legal connection to these children.
She has tried, but rightly doesn't want to sacrifice her children's home and peace to a chaotic home full of non working/studying young adults.

If OP splits with her childrens father, she might never see his other children again.

Her obligations are to her own two children.
Their father has failed his older children and there is no reason to believe he will do more for OP's children.
She needs to prioritise her own childrens future.
A house full of chaos is not conducive to a good education and positive routines.

Equally? I don't think so. Both OP and the dad tried to get them to their house when they were younger. Both the kids and mum refused. They chose to reject the help when it was at an age when it would have made a huge difference. That is why OP feels it's not her problem now to fix. I agree with her.
The mum and dad are not equally at fault. Not one little bit.

You had at least 1 parent there instilling a work ethic in you though.

I really hope you are right with the school support and they can do well just like you and your siblings did. It is heartening to read your outcome against posters saying these dc have no future, can go on benefits and will be unemployable.