Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SC to move in?

584 replies

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:48

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/12/2025 21:06

Sadly I think you need to cut your losses, once there is no bedroom each for the DC I doubt any will come to live with your partner.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 14/12/2025 21:06

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:48

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

It has to be a joint decision between you and your husband as it affects not only both of you but also your children too. It should not be a default option for them all to just bundle into your house and freeload!
IF you decide that you are happy for 3, let's face it, adults to come live with you, then there needs to be VERY strict rules in place before they move in. If they break any of them then they are out; now second chances.
However...... good luck in getting your husband to back you up on enforcing these rules by the sounds of it

arcticpandas · 14/12/2025 20:57

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:27

This is exactly what I think has triggered the decision for their mum. DP pays maintenance and she gets benefits for them all currently. She was adamant on not reducing custody until the eldest finished school, and now she’s hanging around the house all day instead of school, the tune has changed.

Show quote history

Very calculated indeed. It would be a firm no from me taking in messed up adults.

Original poster
Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:55

Lucytheloose · 14/12/2025 20:47

Presumably this house you all live in is quite large. Could your husband afford to buy you out if you divorced him?

We’re not married. I could afford to buy him out but I wouldn’t need a house this size so wouldn’t.

It’s not huge; was a four bed but we partitioned one room into two. Downstairs is cramped on weekends when they’re all here.

OP posts:
Keeponshining · 14/12/2025 20:54

converseandjeans · 14/12/2025 20:48

@Whaleandsnail6 but the Dad had no choice as the ex moved the children over an hour away. He also tried to get them to move in with him to support them but the court disagreed with this. By the time they are teens they probably want to be near mates at a weekend.

Show quote history

OP met the kids when they were 2, 4 and 5 and contact had already slipped to EOW by that point as per her opening post. The next time court is mentioned in relationship to contact is when the kids are late primary/early secondary…so what, 8-10 years of not challenging the EOW status quo? I’m sorry, but he could have done more in that time.

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 20:52

CuriousKangaroo · 14/12/2025 20:45

I agree. And it sounds like they had two shit parents, not one. The fact that OP gives her DH a pass on this is beyond me. I’d have no respect for a man who failed his children this badly, let alone marry him and have two kids with him.

Show quote history

It’s just gross. How anyone could find a man like this attractive enough to reproduce with is beyond me.

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 20:51

converseandjeans · 14/12/2025 20:48

@Whaleandsnail6 but the Dad had no choice as the ex moved the children over an hour away. He also tried to get them to move in with him to support them but the court disagreed with this. By the time they are teens they probably want to be near mates at a weekend.

Show quote history

In fairness, he could have moved closer or travelled there in the week. An hour is nothing - millions of people commute that to work everyday - it’s not like she moved to the opposite end of the country.

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/12/2025 20:51

converseandjeans · 14/12/2025 20:48

@Whaleandsnail6 but the Dad had no choice as the ex moved the children over an hour away. He also tried to get them to move in with him to support them but the court disagreed with this. By the time they are teens they probably want to be near mates at a weekend.

Show quote history

But again, thats not the kids fault. Its not their fault they haven't been encouraged and supported to reach their potential.

They need their dad to step up and support them once they hit 18 by providing them a home, or whats the alternative?

Original poster
Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:49

NutButterOnToast · 14/12/2025 20:44

This

I don't understand why your two share and yet SC who are only ever there sporadically get their own rooms? Can you explain that?

Show quote history

The oldest two SC fight a lot, to the point of violence in their early teens. Our two (also both girls) wanted to share. But now they’re getting to the age where they want their own space. SDs rooms are both disgusting with make up smeared on walls and rubbish everywhere so I only go in to empty the laundry baskets nowadays.

To be honest I assumed SC would start dropping weekends with us as they got older and wanted to see friends, so I thought it’d change naturally by about now.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 14/12/2025 20:48

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/12/2025 20:28

But at the end of the day, that isn't the kids fault

By op's account, the mum neglected them and their dad saw them for 2 days out of 14 and some school holidays.

They have been let down by both of their parents but now their dad has the chance to do right by them so he should take it and offer them support and guidance to help them become responsible, functioning adults

I get this isn't op's fault but I do think he needs to give his kids this opportunity and she has the choice of remaining in the relationship or ending things but ultimately his kids need him now

Show quote history

@Whaleandsnail6 but the Dad had no choice as the ex moved the children over an hour away. He also tried to get them to move in with him to support them but the court disagreed with this. By the time they are teens they probably want to be near mates at a weekend.

Lucytheloose · 14/12/2025 20:47

Presumably this house you all live in is quite large. Could your husband afford to buy you out if you divorced him?

CuriousKangaroo · 14/12/2025 20:45

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 20:41

I just feel sorry for the children here. None of the adults in their lives want them or can be arsed with them.

I agree. And it sounds like they had two shit parents, not one. The fact that OP gives her DH a pass on this is beyond me. I’d have no respect for a man who failed his children this badly, let alone marry him and have two kids with him.

abracadabra1980 · 14/12/2025 20:45

Jesus "she's had them until they're 18" - why do these people even have kids. What a horrible thing to say to any child, at any age. You choose to bring a life into the world, and in my humble opinion, I'm here for my own two DC until the day I die, if need be.

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/12/2025 20:45

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:40

I don’t see why any 18 year old would want to either though?

We are suddenly hearing all kinds of things like “when I move here and I start driving lessons, where will I park my car?” and “you can pay me for babysitting when I live here so you can go out more” which I can only assume is coming from their mum.

Show quote history

I guess 18 is when typically life changes happen...many of their friends will probably move away to go to uni or get jobs etc.

right now, the 14 year old is smack bang in the middle of high school ... he'd have to be the new kid and make new friends etc if he moved now, whereas at 18, you are generally starting some sort of new path so its easier to change area and move away

BuckChuckets · 14/12/2025 20:45

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:32

Me too which is why I’m wondering if it’s better for my DDs’ sakes to just cut my losses now.

Show quote history

I think this will be the best idea. I think both of their parents have failed them to varying degrees, but it's not your fault/responsibility.

NutButterOnToast · 14/12/2025 20:44

Applecup · 14/12/2025 20:38

I would start making a few changes now. Give your daughters their own rooms and two of them can share.

This

I don't understand why your two share and yet SC who are only ever there sporadically get their own rooms? Can you explain that?

Original poster
Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:44

Keeponshining · 14/12/2025 20:38

That’s so sad. I do really feel for you and your DDs in all of this. But I’m not sure there is anything you can do really. If their mother (who does sound terrible) kicks them out then your DP can either wash his hands of them or take them in. Either he gets strict and lays down the rules and you are probably in for a lot of hostility and anger. Or he lets them continue being pigs and you then have to parent your DDs differently. I hope it doesn’t end your marriage but it doesn’t feel like a situation that’s possible to win really.

Show quote history

Thank you, this sums up how I feel. He’s a good and involved dad to DDs and supportive of my work. Often I’m away with work a night or two a week and he makes up his hours working evenings and weekends when SC aren’t here. It means we don’t get a lot of time as a couple or as a four but we cherish what we get (and I like the calm evenings!) and we’re working towards early retirement.

When SC are here there’s so much conflict and mess that we end up snapping at each other. I don’t see things ending well with them moving in unfortunately.

OP posts:
Kizmet1 · 14/12/2025 20:42

This isn't the popular thing to say on MN, but I would be saying no.
If they are 18 when they move in they are legally adults and you'd have no control about coming and going, very little support from official services, and no end in sight as it doesn't sound like they'll be trying for uni or in a hurry to seek work (though that could change and is worth discussing).
You've never lived with them before and it doesn't sound like anyone has been keen for that to happen until now.
It isn't unreasonable for you to not want this and to refuse it.
It will be uncomfortable and you may face push back, but put if the majority of chores and the added financial burden is likely to fall on you, you need to put yourself first.
The kindest thing isn't always the most sensible thing and letting them move in would be kind, but it doesn't sound sensible.

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 20:41

I just feel sorry for the children here. None of the adults in their lives want them or can be arsed with them.

Original poster
Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:40

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/12/2025 20:37

But look at this from a 14 year olds point of view...he would be expected to move 1.5 hours away, chance school, leave his friends behind to live with his dad, who lets face it, doesn't see much of him.

I don't blame a 14 year old for not wanting to leave all he knows and live with his dad at this point in his life

Show quote history

I don’t see why any 18 year old would want to either though?

We are suddenly hearing all kinds of things like “when I move here and I start driving lessons, where will I park my car?” and “you can pay me for babysitting when I live here so you can go out more” which I can only assume is coming from their mum.

OP posts:
Pearlyb · 14/12/2025 20:39

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:23

When SC aren’t around, he’s a good dad to our youngest two and we are fairly equal and harmonious. He has his own business which has allowed him to be flexible on things like school runs and sick days which has enabled me to build my career.

When SC are around, the household becomes much more stressful and fractious and I end up running around constantly trying to keep everyone’s needs met. He also finds it stressful. I think this is quite normal in a family so big especially when you’re trying to raise three kids who disagree with your expectations (basic stuff like doing homework, not noisily staying up all night and keeping rooms tidy) and need to be watched like a hawk to meet any of them.

Show quote history

Ok that's good that he helps, and he isn't as lazy as he perhaps initially came across.

The fact that he's also stressed when the step kids are around really isn't a good sign though. Don't take them in!

Applecup · 14/12/2025 20:38

I would start making a few changes now. Give your daughters their own rooms and two of them can share.

NotrialNodeal · 14/12/2025 20:38

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 19:57

Well you choose to marry & have kids with him knowing he wasn’t really making a effort…. You reap what you sow. 🤷‍♀️

Exactly. I have zero sympathy for people who marry someone who already has children. You should've considered the possibility of living with children that aren't yours long before you married and had kids with this man.

Keeponshining · 14/12/2025 20:38

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:32

Me too which is why I’m wondering if it’s better for my DDs’ sakes to just cut my losses now.

Show quote history

That’s so sad. I do really feel for you and your DDs in all of this. But I’m not sure there is anything you can do really. If their mother (who does sound terrible) kicks them out then your DP can either wash his hands of them or take them in. Either he gets strict and lays down the rules and you are probably in for a lot of hostility and anger. Or he lets them continue being pigs and you then have to parent your DDs differently. I hope it doesn’t end your marriage but it doesn’t feel like a situation that’s possible to win really.

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/12/2025 20:37

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:31

He doesn’t have the choice now though, he gets told he gets them when they’ve stopped being their mum’s cash cows and failed their GCSEs and further education.

If the 14yo moved in now, we could help him. But he doesn’t want to because he prefers being at mum’s but will move when he’s 18 apparently…

Show quote history

But look at this from a 14 year olds point of view...he would be expected to move 1.5 hours away, chance school, leave his friends behind to live with his dad, who lets face it, doesn't see much of him.

I don't blame a 14 year old for not wanting to leave all he knows and live with his dad at this point in his life