Page 20 | To not want SC to move in?

Phylllis · 2025-12-14T19:48:59+00:00

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed. I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away. Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us. I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to. In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be). The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it. AIBU?

SnoopyPajamas · 14/12/2025 22:02

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:29

I don’t disagree with you entirely, but it’s not as clear cut as you make out.

SD1 decided she hated homework at about age 11. We’d have them sitting at the dining table to do it on a Saturday morning. She would just not do it or would scribble with the least effort possible. She could make a ten minute worksheet take an hour. What could we do? Any grounding ruined everyone else‘s weekend as one of us would have to stay home with her (which she liked), and any removals of screens would mean she’d refuse to visit for a month. It’s very hard to enforce rules on children who have a ‘better option’ and parents with opposing values.

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I notice you've given a "we" answer" to a "he" question here. Which I suspect is actually a "me" answer. If you took your efforts out of the equation, how much parenting has your DH actually done of these kids?

It was his job to find a homework incentive that worked for his daughter, and his job to help his children understand why discipline is important. That's parenting he should have been doing, independent of you.

You want us to think this man is such a great and equal dad to your own two kids, but I doubt that. Not with how utterly sure you are that all the SC parenting would fall on you. It doesn't add up. He sounds like a dud.

Walkerzoo · 14/12/2025 22:00

I would reposition the kids rooms now.
Same with your office. Sort the rooms and then they have to share. Make your house the one they don't want to live in

Original poster

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:59

Starseeking · 14/12/2025 21:52

You don’t have to split up, but you will end up doing so pretty sharpish if you let them move in, as even if you set out rules beforehand, it’s clear that your DP will do nothing to enforce them. You will end up stressed, resentful and exhausted.

It sounds like the best option would be for you and your DP to live separately, but stay together in a relationship; him living with his older 3 DC and you with the younger 2 DC. He can visit you on a schedule you are both comfortable with. It’s not ideal, but probably the only way you could “stay together”.

You could agree that you would be prepared to all get a bigger house together once you’ve seen the changes you’ve mentioned. This is unlikely to happen for some time, as it doesn’t sound likely that your DP would enforce any rules, but at least you wouldn’t have to live in/with the chaos.

I feel like this would be the death knell of our relationship either way. To afford a five bedroom house by himself he’d need to be working even more hours and I don’t think it’d be healthy.

Selfishly, my career demands travel, but not on set days, and I don’t want to think about how I could balance childcare, work and a contact schedule in a way that’d be fair to DDs. I’d have to take a big step down. It seems so unfair that SC’s mum’s choices are potentially ruining my DD’s childhoods when SC are going to be adults. I never thought this would be the outcome.

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bumptybum · 14/12/2025 21:58

So your dds need their own rooms. Where will the SC sleep? The house isn’t big enough. There is no reasonable assumption that your dds will share forever to allow for the housing of 3 adults who don’t contribute

Haemagoblin · 14/12/2025 21:56

Christ you make a lot of excuses for their dad. He's been a shit dad to them and - surprise! - they've turned out badly. That is on him as much as on their mum. He wasn't in their lives anything like as much as he should have been. He could have contested her moving them so far away. He could have moved nearer to them. He could have fought for 50:50 custody when they were small and their views (obviously influenced by their mothers laissez faire approach) would not have been taken into account. But like so many men he decided that caring for children was women's work, and happily paid to outsource all the hard stuff to their mum, even knowing she was not up to the job. What a hero. So now he's doing great with his do-over family? Wonderful for you all, not so much for the three he washed his hands of.

I agree you shouldn't have to have three additional grown adults living with you. Crap for your kids. But if their mum throws them out (which she is perfectly legally entitled to do once they are adults, morally repugnant though it is) for your partner to also refuse to house them would be equally morally repugnant. So it is what it is. This is what's known as chickens coming home to roost. No they're not your chickens, but they are definitely his and he bloody deserves it. So you have to decide whether it will be better for your kids to carry on living with their dad and half siblings, or have a separate home away from them. Based on his past performance as a separated dad, I wouldn't be expecting him to see much of them once they're out of his way.

Starseeking · 14/12/2025 21:52

You don’t have to split up, but you will end up doing so pretty sharpish if you let them move in, as even if you set out rules beforehand, it’s clear that your DP will do nothing to enforce them. You will end up stressed, resentful and exhausted.

It sounds like the best option would be for you and your DP to live separately, but stay together in a relationship; him living with his older 3 DC and you with the younger 2 DC. He can visit you on a schedule you are both comfortable with. It’s not ideal, but probably the only way you could “stay together”.

You could agree that you would be prepared to all get a bigger house together once you’ve seen the changes you’ve mentioned. This is unlikely to happen for some time, as it doesn’t sound likely that your DP would enforce any rules, but at least you wouldn’t have to live in/with the chaos.

bumptybum · 14/12/2025 21:50

Diarygirlqueen · 14/12/2025 19:53

So their dad has seen them for 52 days a year, not including the holidays for the last 12 years. I can see why this was uncomfortable to write.

Why would you calculate days and not include holidays. That’s weird.

Coalday · 14/12/2025 21:49

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:32

Me too which is why I’m wondering if it’s better for my DDs’ sakes to just cut my losses now.

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I think it is indeed better to cut your losses asap and get organised to set up your own peaceful home.

3 adult children doing exactly as they please with their awful rearing is going to be nothing but stress for you and your children, potentially ruining their childhood.

You can continue your relationship if you must, whilst having absolutely no involvement in the skiving for his children that living with them would involve.

Get out while you can.

Original poster

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:43

Genevieva · 14/12/2025 21:37

You can set ground rules and give advance notice of you expectations, including full time employment, payment of modest rent to cover their portion of the bills, contributing to housework, a curfew unless there is a prior agreement etc.

But even if they paid a ‘modest rent’ that doesn’t solve the fact that the house isn’t big enough to house five adults and two kids. We only have one family bathroom and our tiny en suite. Our bills aren’t that high because we’ve gone without in other areas to get the mortgage down but it’s not really about the money.

DP is out a lot of weekends and evenings so it’s just me and the kids and we have a nice, calm routine of cooking together, reading, playing games and cosy nights. When SC are here it’s loud music, screaming into phones and consoles, slamming doors, hogging the TV and bathroom for hours, leaving mess everywhere… I just don’t want it. They’re not bad people at heart, and I want the best for them, but I don’t want to live with them as adults.

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kittywittyandpretty · 14/12/2025 21:43

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:24

And our kids are great. Happy, balanced, achievers.

As I said, I’ve always been happy to take in his kids. Not his adults.

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Well, of course they are. They’ve got two parents living with them one of which by the sounds of it is only working part-time. Lots of time, energy and resource resources dedicated to them no doubt

Motheranddaughter · 14/12/2025 21:42

I would not want them to move in either,but as they are your DH’s kids I don’t think you have a choice (other than moving out )

FancyFireplaces · 14/12/2025 21:38

I would seriously consider moving out if they moved in. It sounds harsh but as you’ve described them, those kids will do untold damage to your two children. They sound like an appalling example and the atmosphere in your house would be awful with three feckless and lazy adults.

Genevieva · 14/12/2025 21:38

I suspect they might choose not to accept an offer that makes demands on them!

Genevieva · 14/12/2025 21:37

You can set ground rules and give advance notice of you expectations, including full time employment, payment of modest rent to cover their portion of the bills, contributing to housework, a curfew unless there is a prior agreement etc.

Summercocktailsgalore · 14/12/2025 21:35

Then you both need to decide the ground rules now and start implementing them now.
First thing I would do is next year give your DD their own rooms. If SC visit they will have to (2 of them) share and that is totally acceptable. Your DD have had to share for a long time and as you are paying equally into the house, SC who are not there all week must share.
Secondly, decide at age 18 if live with you as adults how much rent you expect them to pay from their earnings or jobs. If they full-time students then say how many years you will fund half of.

then decide how many years after age 18 they can stay.

if their mother downsizes as she has no maintenance then she can still have money from their earnings and benefits given to her.

SnoopyPajamas · 14/12/2025 21:34

So it's another rubbish DH who can't be bothered to actually parent.

I feel sorry for the kids. It's horrible when parents don't impart any real life skills, but expect a functioning adult to appear by magic when the child turns 18. And it's horrible to feel your own parents are washing their hands of you because the money's dried up. Or that you're an inconvenience because they've got a new family.

Original poster

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:29

BoredZelda · 14/12/2025 21:23

But, when he did see them, he didn’t want to actually parent them, he gave in for an easy life.

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I don’t disagree with you entirely, but it’s not as clear cut as you make out.

SD1 decided she hated homework at about age 11. We’d have them sitting at the dining table to do it on a Saturday morning. She would just not do it or would scribble with the least effort possible. She could make a ten minute worksheet take an hour. What could we do? Any grounding ruined everyone else‘s weekend as one of us would have to stay home with her (which she liked), and any removals of screens would mean she’d refuse to visit for a month. It’s very hard to enforce rules on children who have a ‘better option’ and parents with opposing values.

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Dissappearedupmyownarse · 14/12/2025 21:23

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:10

The problem is, I don’t think there’d be any teeth to threatening to throw them out for bad behaviour. If their mum has downsized and no longer has space, that’d mean making them homeless.

DP is often working evenings and weekends so it’d be me at home, WFH downstairs, with them around all of the time. It’d be me having to clean up after them and nag them to go to college or apply for jobs and it’s just not viable.

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Its also their mums joint responsibility to home them too. What would she do if you both decided to downsize at the same time?
You need to prioritise your own children and if your husband doesn't want to recognise that then I'm afraid you need reconsider your relationship.
I too am a SP with our own children. As much as I will never prevent my husband from seeing his children or helping them in any way, he also understands that our children will always be my priority and I will not tolerate anything that compromises that.
Looking after 3 lazy adults and expecting to parent them in the absence of a lazy father is not what you signed up for!!!
They are adults at 18 and if they cannot abide by your house rules then they need to stand on their own two feet, get a job and their own place to live.
My own children won't be allowed to doss about and freeload off me at 18 either so I'm not being the wicked stepmother. Its either further education where they are seriously applying themselves or a job and contributing to the household financially

BoredZelda · 14/12/2025 21:23

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:58

He did, the kids’ voices were listened to and they didn’t want to move.

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But, when he did see them, he didn’t want to actually parent them, he gave in for an easy life.

Original poster

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:19

IndolentCat · 14/12/2025 21:12

What does your DH say when you put these arguments to him?

That he understands my concerns but that he’s sure they’ll knuckle down after an adjustment period. That they’ll flourish with proper boundaries and expectations, and that it’s been hard for them to do well whilst living with their mum.

I’ve always agreed with those principles whilst they’ve been children but it’ll be my children who suffer (and me, my career and my savings) if they move in as adults.

DP has his own trades business and I’ve said if they’re not in full-time college or working they need to be out ‘helping’ him which he’s baulked at, saying they don’t have the right skillset. But they don’t have any skills and that’s the problem.

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Keeponshining · 14/12/2025 21:16

Snoken · 14/12/2025 21:08

Great news that you are not married and that you seem financially secure. I think at the very least you will need to live separately if his kids move in, but you don’t necessarily have to break up if you don’t want to.

I agree with this. If she does chuck them out, he needs to decide if he is going to house them or make them homeless. If he does house them, you can’t all live together (that needs to be none negotiable), so you need to consider how you’d manage your housing situation. If you could buy him out potentially he could use the money to buy somewhere for them to live (albeit unlikely a bedroom each etc). If it comes to this you will need proper legal advice to protect yourself.

herbalteabag · 14/12/2025 21:13

Obviously it is because of the loss of benefits and maintenance - she presumably will lose hundreds per month. Does she have a job? Regardless, if they stayed with her and had jobs they could give her some of it.
The real problem is that no one (except you) wants to set any ground rules. I think you either need to say no, or convince your DP that ground rules are needed for it to work and to make their lives better. And I would give your two children their own rooms now. You say the SC want to move in at 18, but they won't all be 18 at the same time and they will have to share. If you make it too easy for them, and too comfortable, they will never get their acts together, which is presumably why they're not going to college etc. now. I would also tell your DP that your two children need good role models and you can't have them in the house otherwise. And if they do move in, don't spend lots of money on them or buy driving lessons, as they need an incentive to get motivated.

IndolentCat · 14/12/2025 21:12

What does your DH say when you put these arguments to him?

Original poster

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:10

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 14/12/2025 21:06

It has to be a joint decision between you and your husband as it affects not only both of you but also your children too. It should not be a default option for them all to just bundle into your house and freeload!
IF you decide that you are happy for 3, let's face it, adults to come live with you, then there needs to be VERY strict rules in place before they move in. If they break any of them then they are out; now second chances.
However...... good luck in getting your husband to back you up on enforcing these rules by the sounds of it

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The problem is, I don’t think there’d be any teeth to threatening to throw them out for bad behaviour. If their mum has downsized and no longer has space, that’d mean making them homeless.

DP is often working evenings and weekends so it’d be me at home, WFH downstairs, with them around all of the time. It’d be me having to clean up after them and nag them to go to college or apply for jobs and it’s just not viable.

OP posts:

Snoken · 14/12/2025 21:08

Great news that you are not married and that you seem financially secure. I think at the very least you will need to live separately if his kids move in, but you don’t necessarily have to break up if you don’t want to.