To not want SC to move in?

Why over 300 days a year? Another poster with really basic counting challenges.

I don’t approve of what the mum is saying, but from her perspective, she has parented 3 kids by herself for over 300 days a year for 12 years whilst her ex remarries, has more kids and plays dad of the year to. I can see why DSC’s mum is frustrated.

OP - you knew DH was an awful father when you married him and had more kids. (Saying he’s a good dad to your DDs is a fallacy as he can’t possibly be a good father at all after woefully neglecting his older DC)

You also knew he had DC, so you must have known living with them was a possibility. You (and he) have benefited from having an easier life whilst being fully aware that (according to you) the DSC’s mum was being neglectful.

Honestly, the current situation is your and DH’s karma. Perhaps you will have more empathy for your DSC’s mum when your marriage inevitably ends and your DH becomes an absent father to your children.

I would rather divorce than live with 3 lost cases. They unfortunately are. Nothing is going to change the entire mindset of 3 adults, nothing. You will be inviting a massive problem into your life. Honestly I would rather leave than live with these people. They will undoubtedly ruin your marriage anyway

Absolutely no way. They should be heading off into the world and supporting themselves at 18, and they need to be planning and grafting towards that already. Make that crystal clear to everyone involved. Get ready to downsize yourselves, and repurpose their rooms as each turns 18. Best have a backup plan too, for just you and your bio kids, in case DP continues to have no spine.

They clearly can’t move into your current house. So you and DP need to find another solution. What else does he suggest? Is he putting any thought or worry into this now? Other options I can think of off the top of my head - has he floated any of these or is he just taking the path of least resistance and hoping (despite all evidence) that it’ll be fine?

• you all move nearer them now, so he can be a more involved parent before thy all hit 18. If you’re near enough that they can pop round, DP can build relationships with them and possibly have a bit more influence
• you set up a flat for them to share as they hit 18. They’re liable for some of the rent, they need to be in education or employment but you’ll help them get on their feet, sub them half the rent for the flat, etc. Flat is near you not their mum so you can keep an eye on them and be near enough to support with “starting independent life” stuff (fix the dishwasher, decipher the weird landlord letter).
• you stay together but live in separate houses
• you split up (and he moves back nearer them)
• you put the early retirement plans on hold and get a bigger property, perhaps one with a “granny annexe” so they can live with you but with their own space

Did you also barely finish high school? Or just not learn any maths?

Each one is welcome to live with you and their dad once they have secured a full time job in the area?

Say it will be the same rules for your kids as well.

Due to my nephews behaviour I had to say this to my own kids:
At 16 you can go to school/ college/ do volunteer work in your chosen field/ work full time/ work part time and concentrate on driving lessons. Do something of your choice. But attendance at school/ work has to be good and doing nothing is not an option.

They both did things. Their choice of what they did but they did something. My nephew is doing nothing. It’s so frustrating.

If they manage to get a full time job then I think that’s fine to have them there. If they can’t/ won’t work then they will have to move out and get a room in a shared house. I agree it’s not the mums responsibility any more than it is the dads.

I wouldn’t want step kids living with me though so I do understand.

put the boundaries in quickly.

Their mother is a spiteful careless nightmare fancy not really doing the best you could for your children in all aspects then letting them come to yours with nits (probably hoping you'd get them)
No interest shown and out on their backsides because she cannot think of another way to "get" you other than by stating that she's downsizing and so now it's daddy's turn
But DONT do it; you already know you don't want to and it'll be a thankless task
So why should you take responsibility for 3 nearly adults that have nothing to do with you but will blight your life?
You know their mother badmouths you
And they're probably looking forward to bloodying your nose
They'll be grownup when 18
So
Put your foot down NOW
Somehow they will survive but not at your exspense and well-being
And your partner could do with growing a pair too about this sudden calamity, he knows its going to be bad with 3 leeches in tow but will look to you
I've reckon waters stronger
Still fancy him do you?

He can move them in now and enforce rules and studying, and be a dad for what sounds like the first time in his life, or never. I’d say this is a deal breaker and I’ll be asking you to leave if you can’t pick one of these. The reality is you’re a terrible dad, too lazy to parent, and I’m not living with the adult consequences of that.

And why on earth would you not include half the holidays, other than to sharpen your pencil in order to stab the OP?

I guess the maintenance ends at 18, so of course Mum doesn't want to pay for young ( uneducated ) adults living in her home.

How odd that your OP said "Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us."

So their DM wants to keep them for every second she receives child maintenance, then chuck them out the second she doesn’t?

This. I don't understand why your DD's don't already have their own rooms tbh. Sounds like madness that they're made to share in their own home so that sc each have their own room for the small percentage of the year that they're there.

I think you posted this same thread a few weeks and got the same advice then. Why does this need a new thread?

To make the OP realise that she made her bed and now must lie in it?

She actively chose to have DC with a man with three DC. Unsurprisingly, those DC have grown into grumpy, lazy teens (like a hell of a lot of teens) and now they're no longer cute toddlers she isn't interested in playing the doting step mother, but would much prefer they no longer existed now her own DC have come along.

It's clear the neglectful parents are the really shitty people in this situation, but it's hard to have much sympathy for OP when she chose this life.

@Phylllis can your partner afford to pay for a flat and put them in there. They can then get benefits to pay bills I assume. They'll be able to grow up then.

Why do people always says this - what's the fucking point at this stage?

I’d do this.

Theyve had to plenty chance to come live with you. They don’t get to make you put your lives on hold for the promise of something years in the future that you don’t even want.

Live your life, give your kids the best life you can. If DP or his kids don’t like it, let him walk and make something better.

Would all 3 be moving in at once or 1 at a time? So just the eldest moves in when they turn 18? That might be easier 1 at a time than all 3 at once.

Having said that regardless of what you say about dp parenting your shared dc he sounds pretty shit to his other dc. What sort of parent would he be to your shared dc if you split up?

Morally, I think it would be abhorrent for your DH to refuse to house his children once they turned 18. Every young adult should have the safety net of a family home.

Their mum sounds rubbish, but that doesn't justify your husband failing them. You don't stop trying to be a good parent because your ex is shit.

You might not technically have any obligation towards them, but how can you possibly respect a man who won't provide a home for his teenage children?

If their mum kicks them out and you say no, there are two possible scenarios: Either he prioritises his relationship with you over his duty towards his own children (and failed to parent properly for most of their lives). In this case he's a weak, pathetic man that can't be trusted to be good role model to your shared DC. Or he splits up with you in order to do the bare minimum a father should do, in which case you lose your relationship and your joint children will experience the joys of being shunted between homes.

What a vile response.

Oh, what a brilliant idea. Create a hostile environment for them. Make sure they know that absolutely nobody wants them.

OP, you knew full well this man had THREE DC that would grow up and could potentially move in at any point. And you chose to marry him and pop out a few DC of your own regardless.

The amount of women who stick their head in the sand about step DCs and just hope they'll go away is depressing. Especially when their own DC come along.

ALL of the adults in this situation are awful. Poor DC.

Edit: Ah, I see you're not even married. Of course.

@Phylllis everytime they say they are moving in with you, I'd counter they are welcome to move in but ONLY if they attend further education or are working. If they do neither of those things, then they can't move in. It will give them a few years to get used to the idea and the expectation they will NOT be sitting home doing nothing.