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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SC to move in?

584 replies

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:48

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
jenny38 · 14/12/2025 23:48

In all honesty, I doubt all 3 will want to move. However you can always say no. And start adjusting expectations. You will pay for your own driving lessons etc.
I feel for you, this is a difficult spot to be in.

SandyY2K · 14/12/2025 23:47

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:44

Thank you, this sums up how I feel. He’s a good and involved dad to DDs and supportive of my work. Often I’m away with work a night or two a week and he makes up his hours working evenings and weekends when SC aren’t here. It means we don’t get a lot of time as a couple or as a four but we cherish what we get (and I like the calm evenings!) and we’re working towards early retirement.

When SC are here there’s so much conflict and mess that we end up snapping at each other. I don’t see things ending well with them moving in unfortunately.

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Maybe living apart, but being in the relationship is the best thing. Perhaps when he sees how awful it is living with his older kids, he'll do something about it.

Them coming to live with you will be an absolute nightmare.

Your mental health and relationship won't survive, so I'd say you need to let him know now, that your can see how it'll work, based on how challenging it is when they're over for the weekend. That you want to avoid your relationship going south, so you feel it's in everyone's best interests if you live apart, but maintain your relationship.

You'll just have 3 layabouts costing money and annoying you.

Paul2023 · 14/12/2025 23:44

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:23

When SC aren’t around, he’s a good dad to our youngest two and we are fairly equal and harmonious. He has his own business which has allowed him to be flexible on things like school runs and sick days which has enabled me to build my career.

When SC are around, the household becomes much more stressful and fractious and I end up running around constantly trying to keep everyone’s needs met. He also finds it stressful. I think this is quite normal in a family so big especially when you’re trying to raise three kids who disagree with your expectations (basic stuff like doing homework, not noisily staying up all night and keeping rooms tidy) and need to be watched like a hawk to meet any of them.

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I’m sure your DH is a nice man. And I’m sure he does find family life stressful. But he chose to have a big family and blended family.
Your husband chose to bring five children into the world. Im afraid he needs to pull his weight and stop letting the women in his life take up all the slack. He is responsible for his five children.

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/12/2025 23:40

They're not all going to turn 18 at the same time so they won't all expect to move in with you and DP within the next year. You might find (hopefully) that it's easier to set and maintain boundaries when you have just one SC full-time.

Ponderingwindow · 14/12/2025 23:39

This very well might be the death of your relationship. It is still his responsibility to try to help his children get on the right path.

He shouldn’t just be letting them move in without rules or expectations. Any 18 year old still living at home should have structure. Things like full time education or work should be the default.

You absolutely can set rules about curfews and guests to keep the house from becoming a free for all, house share type environment. Part of living in the family home is accepting a bit less freedom than striking out on your own.

sittingonabeach · 14/12/2025 23:36

Why did you have DC with him, when parenting wasn't going well with his DC with his ex?

Why is DP out a lot at weekends and evenings?

ReetPetite99 · 14/12/2025 23:34

You blame everyone else but you made the decision to join a family 12 years ago. you always knew your dp had existing responsibilities - and always knew there would be a big age gap between siblings if you chose to have more dc with him.
It’s not dc fault you assumed your life would be perfect and circumstances would never change and the dc would never want their dads help.
If I were your dp I would be overjoyed to get a second chance, I wouldn’t care less about the money or space issues and the only question would be whether I would be making a family home for 7, or 6 and kicking you to the kerb.
Being a parent means loving your dc unconditionally even if they don’t do well at school or are messy and annoying teenagers.
Of course you can’t insist they are in work or training when they’ve got Sen and years of parental neglect.
Do you think your dc will thank you if you reject helping and they end up with siblings with substance abuse or mh issues or worse.

Saracen · 14/12/2025 23:31

I think your predictions of what will happen when your SC move in are bound to be accurate. If your DH wasn't able to bring out the best in them when they were younger, he won't be able to turn that around now.

But he can't refuse to take them in. That would be awful.

So you need to make plans to live separately, though you could stay in a relationship. He can get a smaller house suitable for himself and his three oldest children to share - they won't need five bedrooms! - and they'll be contributing to his household financially via Universal Credit or jobs or whatever. The money your DP used to spend on maintenance of his older children then goes toward the maintenance of his younger children. So you can afford a flat nearby where you can live in peace with your two, whose lives won't have to be disrupted by their adult siblings' chaotic lives and interpersonal conflicts. It isn't ideal and I guess your career will take a hit once your kids' dad can no longer look after them while you travel for work. But it has to be the least-bad option.

Theslummymummy · 14/12/2025 23:26

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:05

He had every weekend at first and one midweek dinner at first, then their mum moved without notice. He went to court, court said she had to do all the driving, which she did for a year or so then sold her car. Since then it has been dropped to every other weekend plus holidays. Which he accepted. Then we met. He then went to court again when they were late primary and early secondary because of the neglect and was told it was a parenting choice and that they were happy with the arrangements.

Short of moving two hours away to be closer (without any guarantee of more contact) I don’t think he could have done more. Their mum has consistently blocked contact and tried to damage the relationship between us and the kids.

Them declaring that their mum says it’s fair that their dad does some parenting post-18 is completely out of the blue.

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My dad used to drive to get us every weekend 5 hours. Yes he could have done more.

wreckingmybread · 14/12/2025 23:23

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:14

I wouldn’t have (or expect to have) any control over things like screen time or curfews as they’re adults. It’d be like a house share. I stopped living in one of those in my late 20s and I don’t want to do it again.

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Why on Earth did you get together with your now-partner if that's how you felt though?

You knew he had very young (at least at the time you got together) kids. That wasn't going to magically change, and there was a very fair chance even back then that they would be living at home - whether that's with your partner or their mum - for a number of years as adults.

It's a bit grim the way you speak about the whole set-up, they're clearly an inconvenience in your eyes - and one that should be handled by their mum.

Everydayimhuffling · 14/12/2025 23:22

I agree with some PP that I would move the rooms now so your DSDs are sharing and your DDs are not. Presumably you'll have to paint the room for one of your DDs if not both.

I'd also be saying now (to them and your DP) that they won't be moving in at 18 unless at 18 they are currently in and passing education or in a job and attending every day. You probably need to give them a chance to succeed living with you, but they need to prove they can do that before they move in. If they can't do it before they move in then they won't do it without you destroying yourself nagging them when they are there.

Forthwith81 · 14/12/2025 23:22

When parents effectively abdicate their responsibilities (as your DH has done for years), they can't really complain about how the other parent has raised the children. It does sound as though their mother has been fairly useless. But to be fair, so has your DH. I feel for these kids, who haven't had a decent parent to guide them.

If they need a place to live, it's reasonable for them to live with their dad. Of course, it's entirely appropriate to put house rules in place, but no parent should turn away a child except in extreme circumstances (violence, etc.). Lazy teenagers don't meet that threshold IMO.

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 14/12/2025 23:20

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:54

I have discussed things like screen time, homework and chores for SC for over a decade with DP and really not got anywhere. They argue and he gives in for an easy life. If I raised these suggestions, he’d agree, but it’d be me left to enforce it.

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I can see why you don't want this. Your DP isn't going to get involved in being any part of improving things, it'll all be down to you, and as step parent with mother working against you and father not committed to active enforcement of the rules, it's got frustration and failure for you written all over it.

RedToothBrush · 14/12/2025 23:15

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:59

I feel like this would be the death knell of our relationship either way. To afford a five bedroom house by himself he’d need to be working even more hours and I don’t think it’d be healthy.

Selfishly, my career demands travel, but not on set days, and I don’t want to think about how I could balance childcare, work and a contact schedule in a way that’d be fair to DDs. I’d have to take a big step down. It seems so unfair that SC’s mum’s choices are potentially ruining my DD’s childhoods when SC are going to be adults. I never thought this would be the outcome.

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All outcomes lead to your own children being fucked by the adults around them.

If the SC move in you won't get rid, the house will descend into chaos and your DH will stop parenting the younger ones.

If you split up you'll have to change your job. But at least they won't live in the chaos.

So you and your kids are screwed, either way - make it on your terms and so they have the opportunity to achieve at school themselves.

Your partner has shown how shit he is with teenagers. He's not parented them. When they move in he won't be able to parent them. Be wary of what this means for your kids. You know the drill.

It will become a situation where in all likelihood the SC do fuck all and chances are he'll eventually have to kick them out because of the problems. Do you want to live with that?

Do what you need to do on your own terms now. If you don't want them, you say no. And it's his choice about what he does. He's free to move out and in with them and maintain the relationship but you are not having them live with your kids due to the impact on them.

Otherwise you are going to get completely steam rollered and they will all take it as you have not boundaries.

BernardButlersBra · 14/12/2025 23:10

In your shoes l would:

-re-configure the bedrooms so the children who live there full time have their own room and you have a work space
-whenever them moving in is mentioned, then make crystal clear they will be working full time or studying or will move out
-also make clear all adults pay their way so will pay towards bills and rent / mortgage. If they don’t then they move out
-when they start talking about “parking their car”, ask how THEY are going to pay for the insurance and the car
-make it CRYSTAL clear to your husband you are not the hired help or house elf. All adults will be pulling their weight or they can move out
-there won’t be waking the house up at all hours or yeah they will be moving out!

For clarity these are my expectations of my own children and would be of my step children if l had any

Booboobagins · 14/12/2025 23:10

Wtf you've been supporting their mum which stops at 18yo and she the wants to give them to you... Err no.

Keep the same arrangements and in no uncertain terms your DH needs to tell his ex she needs to provide a place for the DC beyond 18yo cos you are not.

Such a shame so many of their generational under performing, but I do think goverrnts plans for young people and getting them not just in work but in life long learning and careers will be great - seriously hoping they work cos the Tories tried something which was rubbish and abused.

kittywittyandpretty · 14/12/2025 23:08

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 14/12/2025 22:32

So their DM wants to keep them for every second she receives child maintenance, then chuck them out the second she doesn’t?

Every time there’s a problematic 17-year-old on MN, we are reminded that they could join the army get married and fuck off

oforjceosn · 14/12/2025 23:03

Actually @99bottlesofkombucha you’re right, I’m being unfair. The OP’s wonderful DH parented the kids OP claims were being neglected by their mother whopping 97.5 days a year IF we include an 50% split of the school holidays. (although I wonder how much of that OP was parenting for…)

So to correct my earlier post, I can understand why the DSC mum may be frustrated at solo parenting 3 kids for 267.5 days in comparison with OP’s DH’s 97.5 days…

That better?

Cornishclio · 14/12/2025 23:02

Goodness to hear some of the responses on here you would think that the fact that these three almost adults are unpleasant people to live with is entirely down to parenting. Because sometimes good parents also end up with difficult teenagers so piling in on OP and her husband is unhelpful.

I would be saying they cannot move in unless there are certain ground rules and in the meantime I would be establishing your DDs in a room each as they live there full time. That might change when the older ones move in but given they live over 2 hours ago I get the feeling that might not happen regardless of what the mum wants. No doubt she is thinking the maintenance will stop so she no longer wants to house them.

I would certainly continue to keep separate finances and have a plan B in case they all move in at the same time and it is as hellish as it sounds. Make sure your DH knows that this is not something you are happy with and he has to pull his weight and work less weekends and evenings if he insists on them coming.

freakingscared · 14/12/2025 23:00

Im have step kids and alway been open about this , if they want to live with us they study or work properly . The same way as I expect from my own . Do t what yo study , find a full time job or get out ! Is her mum sending tem your way as he lived of benefits all her life and now they are not entitled they are no longer useful to her ?

JLou08 · 14/12/2025 23:00

YaNBU to feel that way. You would be unreasonable and risking your relationship if you prevent it. How would you react if DH told you your children couldn't live with you at 18?

Stravaig · 14/12/2025 22:58

To be honest I was looking forward to repurposing their rooms when they became adults too. Our DDs share a room whilst SC each have their own, and my home office is a corner downstairs.

I missed this, it's insane. Rearrange rooms now, so you and your children all have proper space in your full-time home. SC can share on their not-very-often visits. They need a clear signal that they will no longer be cossetted and indulged as they approach adulthood; that expectations and responsibilities increase dramatically until they reach 18 and are launched into the world.

Genevieva · 14/12/2025 22:58

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 21:43

But even if they paid a ‘modest rent’ that doesn’t solve the fact that the house isn’t big enough to house five adults and two kids. We only have one family bathroom and our tiny en suite. Our bills aren’t that high because we’ve gone without in other areas to get the mortgage down but it’s not really about the money.

DP is out a lot of weekends and evenings so it’s just me and the kids and we have a nice, calm routine of cooking together, reading, playing games and cosy nights. When SC are here it’s loud music, screaming into phones and consoles, slamming doors, hogging the TV and bathroom for hours, leaving mess everywhere… I just don’t want it. They’re not bad people at heart, and I want the best for them, but I don’t want to live with them as adults.

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You can say no for all these reasons.

It seems that mother is maliciously waiting until maintenance payments would not apply in reverse.

The 14 year old turning 18 is some years away, so when does she plan to move? Is she serious or is this all just a way of causing you stress?

My suggestion was really to put serious expectations in front of the oldest, including having succeeded in gaining full time employment local to you, such that the prospect of moving for the wrong reasons is eliminated. But if you are worried that this offer will be accepted, just say no. Say your house isn’t big enough and you can’t afford to support them.

oforjceosn · 14/12/2025 22:57

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/12/2025 22:54

Why over 300 days a year? Another poster with really basic counting challenges.

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@99bottlesofkombucha Bless you.

OP said her DH saw his older DC every other weekend.

There are 52 weekends a year.

He saw them half of those, which equals 26 weekends.

Each weekend has two days…

26 x 2 =52

Now, there are 365 days in most years.

365 - 52 =313

Does this help?

Diarygirlqueen · 14/12/2025 22:54

Zanzara · 14/12/2025 22:43

And why on earth would you not include half the holidays, other than to sharpen your pencil in order to stab the OP?

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Can you not comprehend? I mentioned the holidays as i wasn't sure of the amt of time they had them. I was sure of the 52 days!
OP, you have wrote about this before and got the same advice. It's obvious you dont like these children. ALL the adults have failed these 3 kids, ALL should be ashamed of themselves.