To not want SC to move in?

Because some people don't find two children hard and feel they can cope with more?

If it’s financial driving the mum to make them move out maybe the answer is your DP continues to pay money for them. As let’s face it, maintenance may end at 18 but many young people are still living at home at 30 these days and that costs. There’s no way i’d have adults sleeping in and doing nothing all day. I think it will be the end of your relationship if that happens. I also doubt they will want to move. Maybe your DP offers to pay maintenance whilst they aren’t working full time.

I don't really understand why people have 5 children. Two children is hard enough for me.

Yes, the dad sounds pretty useless.

OP, have you considered the possibility of continuing to pay the mum child support even past the age of 18? That way she might feel able to keep them with her for longer.

Though really it doesn't solve the underlying issues at all. You dh doesn't have your back, your step-kids are being raised to fail, and you're being expected to run around after them.

But maybe paying the mum would be worth the few extra years of stability it would give your own children.

Very true but the father in this seems to emulate each mother - with his crap ex he is a crap dad to his dc, with his current partner he is a ‘good’ dad (probably because she is a good mum) so the man is weak and spineless and can’t independently be a decent dad.

OP you haven’t responded about the dc moving in in stages? I mean as each one turns 18. So it wouldn’t be that all 3 rock up at once. That means as long as you and your dp set the standard with the first dc it might be easier with the rest? Also, when the time comes the others may change their mind. Of course none of that matters if don’t want any of your sdc moving in.

Not sure why you're being snide. It's simply a fact that some people are much better parents than others. Some parents completely mess up their kids and some parents help their kids flourish.

At the end of the day you choose a man with three children, they come as a package, you then choose to add to your responsibilities by having two more which was purely optional. Caring for five children is a huge and expensive task.

Your dh needs to step up, he has barely done any parenting at all. I can’t blame their mother for insisting he is involved now. She is probably worn out, burnt out.

It's really hard to have differernt, more strict, rules for kids in one household, especially if they are there less often.

Anyway OP, I would make it clear that all kids who are out of school at your house are expected to work and contribute financially and with chores, or are expected to be in some kind of training and passing.

This "you can pay me to babysit" I'd be very clear - it would be a lovely contribution to babysit, but anyone out of school is expected to contribute to the household, so it's unlikely we would be paying you n that way. You would be paying somehing for your rent and keep.

And make that the rule for your own kids too, it's totally reasonable.

It will set the tone if they do come. But it may also mean they are less likely to see that as a solution they like.

They may need help now thinking about other options. It's likely they don't have much sense of waht else they might do at 18, and they are probably discombobulated by their mothers threat to throw them out.

You have potentially 10 years plus with them all at home, which is standard in some parts of the country op. It’s too expensive to move out. You need to decide if you can mansge that or leave..

The mum engineered the situation, probably to maximise her benefits. Given that the father tried to get custody, and she fought it, moved far away and sold her car, it's a bit rich to complain he didn't have them more often.

This is a good idea. Also tell them that any bad behaviour will affect the ability of them all to stay, so they all have to behave. Also tell them they are going to have to have a lot of new rules to prepare them for life, and you’ll do your best to help them, but they must participate. I guess moving now would be a minimum of 4 years though 14>18. And you have to consider your own children. Whatever happens they don’t need to stay indefinitely. ie until 20, 21, 22 would not be unreasonable. I left home at 18.

@Phylllis I think you need to sit down again with DH and set out your concerns. If there’s any hope of this succeeding, the period of adjustment your DH talked about needs to start now and not when they move in permanently.

You see to have read only half the sentence in the opening post. If you read the whole opening post, the second half of that sentence says ‘and half of holidays’. Does that help? That would be over 50 more days here.

I would do this as soon as possible

People are so naïve, how on earth can anyone expect OP to parent her stepchildren the way she would parent her own when they still have their own mother? I'd have said that the OP should give them a chance, but she also has DC that she must prioritise and not fuck up.

The best, and tbh, only, option here is to leave her DP to it. No need to split, just live apart for a while. He needs to step up and parent his kids unconditionally. These adult kids will not accept tough love from step mum that's for damn sure.

Yeah, you need to move out before this happens. You must have known when you had your own kids that their father was unlikely to be around for the long haul, having abandoned three already.

What's the better option for them: growing up in a cramped, chaotic household with rowdy half-sibling NEETs, a resentful mother and neglectful father, or a small quiet place with a mum who can focus on them and their needs? OK, leaving's not going to be great for your finances, but then neither is staying.

As always in these situations, there is a feckless man who has had too many kids and therefore relies on women to parent.

I would live apart if you can.

I'm just thinking about if you leave, your DH has to support 5 kids! He should be doing everything he possibly can to get you on side.
As a couple, can you support 5 children, if the other 3 don't get jobs? They could be with you for many years.
To be perfectly honest, I'd seriously consider bailing. I know you knew he had kids but to have potentially 3 extra young adults living with you is a different matter altogether. Some tough decisions to make OP, don't envy you.

@Phylllis you will be having adults move in with you, not children. You need to start preparing now and the first move is to give your own children their own rooms. When the adults come to lodge with you, they will have to accept the new normal, and share a room. As adults, if they want to ‘control the TV’, they can do so with their own TV in their own room. If they want to share family space, they will do so, respectfully … with a probationary window period to get used to the rules of their lodging house. Prepare a chart now of jobs they will be expected to do. Had they been children coming to live with you, that would be different. Let them know now of the expectations, so that they are prepared.

it is a horrible situation for all, but your priority must be the remaining children and to maintain the status quo for them, as best you can.

I wonder if he was so keen to agree to this because he believes it’s on you to facilitate this, financially and otherwise.

You know this will be the death knell for your relationship, so I would recommend telling him just that. Not to threaten, but to inform. He’s free to house his adult children if he wants to, but it won’t be in the house he shares with you, or with you at all.

It’s very fortunate that you aren’t married to him.

It's not going to work. And it isn't fair on your children who's lives will be severely disrupted

18 is still young enough to turn your life around.

you have boundaries and rules and they either stick to them or they’re out. If you’ve managed well with yours and DP is a good dad when at home. Now is his opportunity to step up.

ground rules for everybody and give it a 6 month trial. They’re a bit lazy and argumentative not an overwhelming hurdle in the behaviour lottery for old teens/young adults.

He's a Peter Pan I think. Likes life to go smoothly. He's no idea how his life is going to change. The OP has two children and a career the partner (not husband) has to sort out his first family which he's dodged for years. The OP may not want to live in what sounds like chaos.

This. And it’s the reason I never got with a man who already had children - I’m far too selfish.

Respond by asking questions. Eg So how are you going to pay for your driving lessons and car? You’ll be working full time and paying rent by then. Are you really going to want to babysit on top on all that?