To not want SC to move in?

Seriously, if I were in this situation I’d just think fuck this shit and move out with my dds. No man is worth hanging onto for this. My first priority would be protecting the peace and happiness of my own children.

Let him deal with the circus that he helped to create.

Seriously
They are his kids
How could anyone have respect for a father who did that

No I wouldn't allow them to move in as jobless adults! You will never get rid of them! You will end up arguing and divorcing. I'd sit down and discuss this with your husband properly. Then tell them it's not happening. They need a plan e.g. uni or get a job. No unemployed adults staying here. If they continue in this direction then they need to go to the council to present themselves as homeless, for temporary accommodation.

Adult teenagers are impossible creatures to live with at the best of times but if they have no boundaries too I'd say they'll need strong ones in place. They pay rent, they do a fair share of chores etc etc. Is she planning on kicking them all out together or one at a time until the benefits stop altogether?

No way! I've had a very similar situation...and there was no way I'd have been able to cope. It was a deal breaker for me. If DH allowed out of control stepson to move in, then I'd be selling house and moving out. No divorce, just separate living and DH could deal with the drugs, mess, lying in bed all day/up all night on phone etc etc.

I was happy for DH to do it, but no way I was.
Long story, but he stayed with his mum and their relationship improved.

In hindsight I am glad I stood my ground. I hadn't an option really.

I may get shot down in flames here but I would say no. Even though they are your SC, they are now young adults and this is the time of expect them to go to uni. Or get an apprenticeship or a full time job if they are not education inclined.
It sounds like you should have got rid of your DH years ago as he is treating you like a maid. And allowing hos kids to. It will have a really detrimental effect on your dc as well.

@Phylllis Repurpose bedrooms NOW. If adult children are homeless because kicked out by their mum they will need to share room all of them. You do not have any obligation to cater to adults.

The op states he knew his kids were being neglected. If I felt that my ex was not caring for my children appropriately and I was getting no where with court, I'd have moved heaven and earth to be closer to them so that I could be a more involved part of their lives.

He tried to take mum to court, wasn't supported in his concern and so just sat back and enabled his children to grow up in the state they have even though he continued to have concerns, he just happily created his new life with op and younger children

Your DH is 50% responsible for how the children have turned out. The least he can do is step up and help them. It too easy to blame their mother. When you marry a man with children it’s a package, or you can leave.

I always find threads like this so depressing. For me, if I divorced DH and met someone else, they would need to fully accept my DC. If I felt they in any way didn’t like my DC or didn’t want them around, I’d call it quits. You know when you start a relationship what you’re getting into.

I think women expect the children will be kept at arms length and when something happens like this or some sort of emergency (like what could have happened had their mum ever become seriously ill and couldn’t care for them), they freak out and don’t want the children to come any closer because it interrupts ‘their’ family. Except your SC are a part of your family, they’re your husband’s children.

I understand they haven’t been raised as you would like and it does sound like they’ve had a difficult time which is sad but all the more reason to try and help them out.

Lovely

Oh give over. Did you miss the part about them live 1.5 hours away? This means their school and friends etc are all based there, and presumably her DH job which (again, presumably) enables him to pay considerable maintenance to support his children, is based 1.5 hours away from his kids. How often would you like him to have seen them? Should he have been doing a 3 hour round trip after a full day a work to tuck them in at night?

She was happy to deal with it when the children were of an age where active parenting was still a possibility that could result in change. Now the scenario is two, and down the line three adults moving in who will require reparenting as their primary care giver couldn’t be arsed alongside the OPs two bio kids whilst also working. That’s a recipe for a breakdown. Absolutely not.

Like fuck would I tolerate that. Just run, run as fast as you can.

I agree with a lot of this. You knew this man had 3 kids. It’s seems it has been obvious for years that the kids weren’t in a good way, yet you had two more with him.
He is their father. Giving the housing market etc it isn’t realistic to kick them to the curb at 18, and it’s even more unrealistic given how many issues they have.
But you don’t want to deal with it, you want a wholesome family life with your two kids. Which would be fine if DH didn’t already have 3 kids.

Yes it will be. Get the hell out of there.

This and your DH has 5 kids to support but you seem to be both working towards early retirement? You’ve both known for years that these 3 kids had a lot of issues. You seem to have adopted an all or nothing - move in with but only while you are minors and we’ll help. At 18 a line in the sand is drawn.

Your DH is now caught up in his new life with you, supporting you work etc when his priority should have been his kids.

Why is he planning early retirement while his kids lives are in this state? These kids were incredibly young, in one case a baby when he stopped living with them.

I just would not do it . You will be living with lazy unmotivated adults forever.

Your dh chose to have 5 children and needs to be able to provide a home for all of them. Turning 18 is early to be considered a proper adult nowadays. It sounds like they very much need his help and support, which he hasn't provided much if until now.

But this father clearly couldn’t. Perhaps if he hadn’t thrown 2 more into the mix he would have had more time & energy to deal with the first three.
These kids have been hugely let down by both parents.

Sounds like an awful situation. I think you should start by giving your own children a room each and have a home office. The older ones don’t need a bedroom each now they are adults and they will soon find a way to adult if they have to be on camp beds. Why should your children not have their own room by now when the older ones had that privilege and trashed them. I also don’t see why you should have to work from the corner of the living room to earn money to pay for the lazy lumps to disrespect your home.

BTW I don’t see EOW being a problem like many on MN, it was routine and everyone knew where they were at. Very normal 20 years ago. I feel sorry for a lot of children who get ferried around so much odd days midweek. once children are 18 they are adults and we are no longer obliged and certainly not responsible for them HOWEVER most of us carry on supporting them emotionally if not financially during early adulthood as we are nice. Not if they are lazy disrespectful shits though.
ps, Try not to blame the mum, what’s done is done and none of us are perfect.

good luck x

I don’t think YANU to not want them to move in but 18 year olds are not adults - the law may like to think they are when it suits but they still need parents to guide them - and it looks like they need more parenting than most. What choice do you have?

I suspect the issue here is more the step-family dynamic than the number of kids total though.

These ones clearly aren't. It's a risk in this day and age unless you are loaded.