To not want SC to move in?

Doing nothing to address a parasite infestation in your children is straight-up neglect. Everyone gets nits occasionally but not dealing with it promptly is neglect and I'd contact SS if I observed it in my children's school. Wouldn't you??

I just wanted to say well done for putting your foot down OP. I wasnt going to comment until I saw the update about moving house to get en suites! WTF!! I cant believe you're being expected to uproot your home and life to accommodate these entitled young adults.

Wtaf - man keeps having children despite not parenting them properly. It’s up to mum and step mum to sort out because the dad is shit.

If she is on benefits with the ages of the dc likely it is long term sickness/disability so why hasn’t the dad stepped up more?

If she is working that doesn’t mean she is in a highly paid job and can suddenly magically up extra money whilst the dad gets to stop financially contributing once they turn 18 and CB stops.

Surely they’ll be moving in bit by bit as they turn 18?

What I don’t understand is why you’re so blindsided by this? Surely you wouldn’t throw your own kid or kids (depending on this or the other thread) out once they turn 18?

Your partner has been a shit dad to these 2 or 3 kids. I wouldn’t have got with him in that scenario but that ship has sailed. And I don’t understand why you had 1 or 2 more kids with him knowing he was such a shit dad.

They won't stick to it though

Because he doesn't see it as having five children at all. He had three with his first partner, and then when their sexual relationship ceased he stopped taking any responsibility for them. On to the shiny new woman and the shiny new kids. Two entirely compartmentalised eras of his life. Chickens, roost.

Wtaf. Mum is a cheeky cow! Kicking out her dc when they reach 18!!
Is she on benefits and they will stop at 18?

Very true. If the mum dropped dead tomorrow you could find yourself with all 3 step dc at once rather than gradually.

The idea that dc leave home at 18yrs these days is very odd to most of us. Yes some go to uni, but still need a base to come back to. Getting on the property ladder is hard even for those in their 20s and renting is not easy either - at 18 who has built up a decent credit score or earning enough to afford that? Yes there are flat shares and I don’t know where you live but they are more scarce/unsuitable for those who live in villages/medium sized towns.

Could you live separately from your dp during the period the step dc need to live with your dp? That would span a period of approx 5 years minimum - 1st dc moves in at 18, next moves in 1-2yrs later and the 3rd 1-2yrs later again (depending on when their 18ths are) Then your dp could maybe offer them 2-3yrs grace of living with him to give themselves to sort themselves out? So maybe 8 years? (Though even that is hard) In the mean time you can continue to give themselves positive affirmations to your dc and raise them how you wish without all this. I’m sure you would say that’s not fair on your dc but let’s be honest - his dc need some input right now. Can you imagine how they must feel knowing there is a ticking time bomb on where their home is? For all their bravado of looking at properties etc and listening to the crap their mum spouts they will have struggles deep down (that could well be causing them to act up) knowing that none of the adults in their lives want them living with them. It would be interesting to see how your dp would cope - or does he just expect the mothers of his 5 dc to do all the grunt work?

As an aside - it is ridiculous that maintenance ends at 18. How many 18yr olds are financially independent? Even if they have a part time job whilst studying how many could afford to pay their way?

He couldn’t have done anything then that’s entirely understandable and the court’s decision is the court decision

However, what he does now is critical

People who don’t live at home beyond 18 and 19 go to university
That’s how they managed to survive for those three years and then previously you would leave university at 21 with a shiny degree and either go travelling with the money bestowed to you by your parents on your 21st birthday or you would find yourself a lovely graduate role, Where you might have to either live with parents for six months while you cobbled together the money for a shared house
Or if it was the late 90s, you could just go and buy a house
Those options are simply not available now.
People who left school at 16 my uncle for example lived at home until he was nearly 35
My father when he got divorced at 27 moved straight back home and stayed there until he was 38

Sorry, haven’t RTFT, but can the two of you afford to rent a place for the SC? Not that they’ll treat it any better than your house, but at 18+ they ‘should’ be in a position to live independently.

I found it very difficult living with my SS (and I’m sure vice versa), particularly once he’d left college and wasn’t motivated to do much. Having another adult in the house 24/7 gets old, really quickly, especially if they’re not prepared to adjust their lifestyle to fit in.

When you told him that, what was his response?

You have definitely posted about this fairly recently. Not sure what else you are expecting from a second post about the exact same thing.

The 3 dc are a product of their upbringing and the poor parenting involved. It isn't their fault, but I imagine that due to this, a bright future in further education or the world of work, is doubtful.

There is no way on earth I would live with them. I would be prepared to walk away from the relationship as them moving in FT as young adults, would destroy your homelife, blow up your bills, and most certainly critically impact your own dd's day to day lives.

It is a very difficult situation and I truly understand your misgivings OP. However, the truth is that when one gets into a relationship with someone who has children there is always possible that they can end up living with you .
The mother has brought up the children and now frankly it is their dad’s turn to do his part
So you either have to speak to your dh about boundaries etc or leave the marriage
It really is simple as that

It does sound like if they move in it's the end of your relationship.

Trying to find a least-bad solution, I'd say how about being straight with the SC that their mum is not interested in having them anymore because she's no longer getting maintenance. Offer to keep paying the maintenance (I'd be crystal clear about a fixed end point, like a particular age or while they're in education), but crucially, pay it directly to the child. They can then decide among themselves how that gets used, ie how does the child feel about paying it as "rent" to the mum...

I'm not sure you can absolve yourself completely from supporting DC over 18 these days, so the ongoing maintenance seems ok, but I don't think you need to completely upend your life for them either.

If they do move in, they obviously need (many!) boundaries and conditions put in, and your DH needs to enforce them. We all know this won't happen, he's had decades of being rubbish at this, so you will need to not cave and follow-through on your side. I would make sure I have plans in place to move out. Living separately would be the only viable solution then, but you've already said that wouldn't work either.

Do like mum and downsize to 3 bedrooms. Can't fit a gallon into a pint pot

I agree, nice idea, but why would this be necessary. Apart from the fact they haven’t been cared for properly which brings huge problems.

I think the best idea, is to take the oldest 1 first, if you can bare it. Take it month by month and tell him that. Help him get opportunities, try to turn his life around. Toe A HARD LINE. Tell your husband and him there must be NO NEGATIVE IMPACT to your children. If there is, there will be a warning. If it happens again, he has to go within 1 month. Maybe this is a risk too big, but the only way I can see it could work.

When I was 18 I moved out because my SF was intolerable, it was a hostile environment. He always made out I was doing something wrong, even though I honestly never did. I got straight Bs, As, A*s. Never in any trouble. Wanted to work (and did part time from 14,) didn’t have enough clothes because they didn’t help me (I worked to buy myself from 14 and bought cheaply) but I did always have food and a place to sleep, a house that didn’t change often. But the shouting, accusations, hostility, believing I was a terrible person. It was awful. The reason I’m saying this, is I met a boyfriend who was a few years older who asked me to move in with him across town. He had a full-time job. When I told my SF I’d like to move out (I waited from 17, to 18 when my boyfriend asked me initially, to complete my A-levels, was trying to be responsible.) I was then starting a pre uni 1 year course. My SF never even looked away from the TV. He said ‘do you want me to give you a lift?’ It was brutal. I moved out and we often ran out of electricity as that was my responsibility (£ meter) they didn’t visit. Of course my boyfriend also covered. Some people do not have support and young ppl that do are so lucky. BUT what you have shared about the 3s growing up is awful.

As I said the above is my only suggestion. They are very lucky to have you in their lives, but it can’t be at any long term detriment to yourself. I mean 1 month of problems would be too much.

Hopefully you and your DH can work it out. Wishing you the very best.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with them all.

When they are sending pics of houses etc. you need to knock that on the head straight away and tell them they are living in cuckoo land instead if they think that will happen.

Sit down with them and ask why they think they can move in with you at 18 - if its because they're mum has told them that again point out it's not up to her - she has no say on how you live as a family.

Point out their mum is using them as a football and it's all a game to her.

Your DH needs to stand up as a parent and stop taking the easy option.

I would be telling him that if he wants them to move in with him then he takes his son on as an apprentice as he's not staying in the house all day. If the girls go to college then they go = they don't get days off.

Yet MN is always defending SAHM to if DM doesn’t have income go support them because she has raised them what is she supposed to do?

so what d you think the options are @Phylllis

you need to obv discuss this with DP and get a plan in place. What are the options you’d consider and take the discussion with him?

They’ll never be independent then and that’s dwindling the pension pot /inheritance for younger ones

Have you thought of offering to continue some maintenance until each is independent? That could work for the kids mam. I know it's an extra finance, but better for your peace.

This sounds familiar. I know of a family where 4 kids lived with mum...not saying they were neglected as you state about your SC. But when they reached the age where benefits were no longer paid for them, they suddenly had to go live full time with their dad. Mum and dad didn't live far from each other, kids were able to walk to dad's/ mums etc whenever they wanted growing up.

What was the dynamic when you met him. Had he left his wife? Why did they break up when they’d just had a baby?