To not want SC to move in?

She will be contributing support for them or cutting them off altogether? No doubt if they do turn their lives around once they are living in a caring household she will expect to be on the front row for any awards ceremonies with their step mother staying away as it not be her business!

What about the OP’s role in this? OP got involved with DH when he had very very young children and three at that. His priority should have been those children. Then she has two more with him when it’s seems fairly clear he’s not a brilliant dad.

To be fair to her it sounds as it’s she has made an effort with the children. But there isn’t nearly enough recognition of what DH’a responsibilities were. He let those children down many times including by having more children when he sounds like he is only able to be the back-up parent when his first kids don’t have a decent primary parent.

It isn’t extraordinary at all for young adults to live with their father. Of course the OP won’t like it I wouldn’t either. But I’d also never have childen with a man who had 3 already for this reason.

Universal credit is exactly that universal. It doesn’t vary by area at all. You’re talking nonsense.

Once entitlement has been established they might receive more if they lived in London but the entitlement threshold is the same.

I think living separately from dp is the best option for his dc and op. It won’t happen because dp will not put his children first and never has done.

They are not adults! They are 14,16 and 17 and are already being prepped by their mum that at 18 they will no longer have a home with her. Regardless that they will be adults when she kicks them out (1 by 1 over a period of a few years) they are having to deal with that knowledge now - and however they present in their behaviour this is going to have a massive impact on them mentally, emotionally and what life choices they make. The youngest is also going to have to watch her oldest sibling kicked out and see how they manage, followed a year or so later by her next oldest sibling kicked out and see how they do - all the time knowing this is coming for her too. How can anyone say this is ok?

Is there no possibility of staying with your DH but living separately for a few years whilst his kids get on their feet?

If the alternative is you leaving anyway then it looks like in no scenario are you keeping your family home so could you sell and get two smaller homes?

Or offer some financial support to have SC’s living alone at 18? They’ll be entitled to sign on and will get housing paid etc so maybe if he reverts the money he paid his ex for child support for each of them to supplement UC they could start looking for work etc?

But legally she can do exactly that. She will have been paying the lion's share of the expenses of looking after them, including housing them, for years. She's right, it IS their dad's turn now. She won't be getting any help for them once they've turned 18 and she wants to downsize. Why is looking after THEIR kids just her problem and not their dad's?

But at the rate the SC are progressing, they will be paying that rent forever or just 'making them homeless' further down the line, when they'll likely be completely embedded in their lazy habits.

It's a sad situation but it sounds as though your DH won't be enforcing the boundaries that would need to be in place to have the remotest chance of this working. It's not only wrong that should fall to you, but you also won't be able to be effective in changing their behaviours if dad's not on board. They already disrespect you by the sound of things.

Let this be their first wake up call that not making an effort in life has consequences. Yes it's not their fault they had a shit custody situation, but you won't be doing them any favours if you enable the path they're on further.

And someone has to think of your kids.

I think the dad does have an obligation to house them and help them get on track with their lives. It sounds like he hasn't and just blames their mum for them 'not turning out right'. Now's his chance to step up and actually do some parenting.

He's got five kids - FIVE! But only appears to feel he has any responsibility to parent two of those. This attitude really irritates me.

I wouldn't be allowing this and i would be setting them all straight NOW.

The mum doesn't just get to toss them out at 18 and say they will be with you.

An if they do move in... You wont be moving, they will need to get jobs, no food in rooms, they will be sharing rooms, your own kids get a room each, it wont be a life of luxury.

If they dont like it, they can leave. its not a doss house.

It's very, very clear that you don't want them to move in and I think it's ok to feel like that. It would be different if they had moved in as children, or even if there had been something nearer a 50/50 arrangement - but that's not the case. They are 3 adults and that is a very different kettle of fish. It will upset the rhythm you have with the children who are still young and seemingly have their lives on a different trajectory to their older siblings.

There could be a small opportunity to change that trajectory for the oldest one - but it's clear nobody is actually going to do the work and support for that.

So basically, it looks like your options are to move them in and try somehow to make it work, or move them in and you leave with the youngest. This is not something that should be falling on your shoulders while their father takes a back seat. Prioritise yourself and the youngest children.

Nope, it's still irrelevant because UC entitlement varies by area as well as housing tenure. The OP has given you no information at all to ascertain where they live and what the thresholds would be.

This comes up all the time on MN, people who think that because they aren't entitled to any UC they can state that someone in entirely different circumstances also wouldn't be, despite not having enough information to make a calculation. They're wrong. That's not how UC works.

It is correct that the threshold at which support is unavailable is not very high at all if you don't have any disabilities. You still cannot make a blanket claim that these 18 year olds would exceed it, based on the limited information we have.

God, this with bells on. Are they coming for Christmas?

Sounds like you have had the first of a difficult series of chats with your partner but I doubt he is taking you seriously yet. Have you actually told him that you are actively considering separation?

I find it quite odd that if he is a tradesman he is not contemplating offering an apprenticeship and getting at least one of the older two on some sort of track to acquire some skills. The fact that he is not even considering it, tells me quite a lot about just how responsible he feels for their success in life and that it will be left to you to handle the actual parenting. At a minimum he should be insisting they spend the summer holidays on site doing donkey work for him and making themselves useful.

I'd start by doing the bedrooms and a very clear uptick in behavioural standards. Chores, loss of wifi, and endless bickering gives them a bus ticket back home again. Tell them at Christmas that it is changing but also tell them that you have zero interest in housing them unless they significantly pull their socks up.

I would start to have them stay separately too? Rather than all three at once? Yes, that means their mother "never gets a break" but two are near adults. They're all old enough to get themselves to you on public transport.

I don’t think people realise how little support there is out there for young people if they don’t have families. From what I’ve seen, especially the boys it’s almost certain they will become homeless
The girls might get more help but inevitably their best bet is to get pregnant, And it’s downhill from there onwards

Well, it is relevant when I’m making it crystal clear that I was on minimum wage and I had a child and I wasn’t entitled to universal credits.
Or any assistance with housing costs.
This threshold at which support is unavailable is not very high at all if you don’t have any additional disabilities.

Your DH doesn't sound like someone who was ever really capable of parenting 5 children.

stamp this out now @Phylllis

Tell DH it is not happening and that you need in of the bedrooms as an office or your dc now need a room each. You can’t have adults moving in. Also who is funding these adults? Are they expecting pocket money etc

I would also directly tell the girls next time they visit that you are not moving house. Pester them about their future work plans. Stop being nice

Some 18 year olds can claim help with housing costs if living independently, which can include those working FT.

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/get-support/information-for-your-situation/young-people-and-benefits/young-people-with-housing-costs

You having a child and not being entitled to anything isn't relevant. I'm not entitled to UC either, income too high and we're homeowners, but that isn't a reason why a single working adult couldn't be. That's not how it works.

If they move in and fail to find jobs / go back to college -

Take them to view house shares.

Support them with initial deposit.

Guide them in applying for benefits.

Kindly but firmly remind them that they understood the expectations when they moved in.

Let them know they’ll always have your support, are always welcome for meals, Christmas, birthdays etc but the time has come for them to stand on their own two feet or they will never manage it.

Considering how loud, messy and lazy they are, I wouldn’t like this either. Mind you, I feel sorry for the children being kicked out by their own mother!
Would the eldest come first then the middle child a year later and then the 14 year old in four years time?

I don’t know tbh I’m not in UK so was quoting someone else. They may not be entitled to anything.

My point was is that all the effort the parents are willing to put in? Kick them out into the world and have them just about survive if anything.

Don't do it. They won't launch you could have them with you forever.

What benefits do you think they would be entitled to exactly if they were a working a minimum wage job for 40 hours a week?

I had a child and I wasn’t entitled to anything.
You’re £400 a week that you pay tax is it. That’s all you get.
Out of which you have to pay rent bills food clothes

They could get benefits & minimum wage jobs if both their parents decide that’s all they are willing to do for them.

I think people consistently underestimate how difficult parenting is. Like puppies it’s not just for Christmas. You bang out 5 kids you need to be able to step up & do the very hard work involved in parenting them or go to your grave knowing they have bad lives that is to a large extent your fault.

DH clearly can’t cope with 5 kids and their mother can’t cope with 4.

There won’t be any “ winners” in this situation they are too many people involved with too many needs.

Exactly. One of mine has ASD and she needed significant support to launch. She lived at home in the uni breaks (which are long) and couldn’t do a part time job during term time - she did work summers. But she also dicked about and changed her mind about her uni course. And then the same for her masters. Should I have just said she’s lazy and chucked her out?