Page 11 | To not want SC to move in?

Phylllis · 2025-12-14T19:48:59+00:00

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed. I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away. Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us. I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to. In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be). The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it. AIBU?

AnonAnonmystery · 15/12/2025 12:48

@Phylllis your sd’s level of entitlement is off the scale. Looking down on you for working? Wtf? The first thing I taught my daughters is the need to work hard and be successful and they have to outperform males ( due to the flawed and unfair way women are treated un the workplace).
Taking up swimming lessons? I feel a bit sad for her as she prob wasn’t given the opportunity as a child and stems back to her neglectful childhood.

Original poster

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 12:44

We didn’t have much time to talk last night, but he was shocked and confused that they expect us to buy a bigger house. Apparently SD1 was also alluding to new hobbies she’s going to try and that she’d be getting swimming lessons?

When they were children, and we discussed them moving in, we did say we might need to move house and that they’d be able to take up new hobbies if they were with us on weeknights… But that was when they’d be children, not 18+.

It’s all quite bizarre. DP is going to speak with SD1 separately because she does have a history of taking things literally. I didn’t put this earlier because it’s not really relevant but she has some very questionable views on feminism and gender roles, wholly obtained through TikTok and YouTube, and does seem to think it’s DP’s job to pay for her until she gets married. I find her ‘debates’ on the matter tedious and ignorant but I’m sure I was an insufferable teen too! I get the impression she thinks I’m slightly dim for working.

OP posts:

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/12/2025 12:44

CatchTheWind1920 · 15/12/2025 11:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

That being said, it sounds like moving in with you and their dad, with firm clear boundaries and expectations would do them the world of good. With the understanding of rules and boundaries are ignored, they move out.

With firm clear boundaries and expectations …. From the op NOT THEIR DAD AS HE’S TOO LAZY TO PARENT.
that would be a fuck no from me.

cupfinalchaos · 15/12/2025 12:43

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:23

What happened?

Show quote history

One by one they went to live with their mum. I would now be divorced had they not.

MrsSlocombesCat · 15/12/2025 12:42

Lmnop22 · 15/12/2025 11:27

Is there no possibility of staying with your DH but living separately for a few years whilst his kids get on their feet?

If the alternative is you leaving anyway then it looks like in no scenario are you keeping your family home so could you sell and get two smaller homes?

Or offer some financial support to have SC’s living alone at 18? They’ll be entitled to sign on and will get housing paid etc so maybe if he reverts the money he paid his ex for child support for each of them to supplement UC they could start looking for work etc?

There are so few properties to rent and landlords aren't keen on taking on tenants on benefits.

MrsSlocombesCat · 15/12/2025 12:39

oforjceosn · 14/12/2025 22:57

@99bottlesofkombucha Bless you.

OP said her DH saw his older DC every other weekend.

There are 52 weekends a year.

He saw them half of those, which equals 26 weekends.

Each weekend has two days…

26 x 2 =52

Now, there are 365 days in most years.

365 - 52 =313

Does this help?

Show quote history

Doesn't take into account half the holidays though.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 15/12/2025 12:30

They’d been looking up houses and sending them to him.

And he hadn't immediately put them right? Your DP seems to have attained whole new levels of parental uselessness.

He expects things to turn out fine because that's what it suits him to believe. It means he doesn't have to do anything. "We" means "you" not "him", or maybe "we" want things but only you actually do them.

I’ve said if they’re not in full-time college or working they need to be out ‘helping’ him which he’s baulked at, saying they don’t have the right skillset.

Of course they don't have the right skillset, did he expect them to acquire these skills by magic?

That's the decider. He's not willing to make any effort with his children at all. None. Zero. It's all on you.

You might as well take DDs and go.

likeafishneedsabike · 15/12/2025 12:18

Pearlyb · 14/12/2025 20:06

Don't do it! You, your opinions, needs, and sanity matters too. DH sounds too lazy to raise them, so it would all be on you. Do you really want to raise 3 kids that aren't your own at a point in time where their behaviours have already been set and hard to change?

Provided you still want to stay together, you have two options - 1) foot down, they're not coming. They've chosen to stay with BM until now, so that's where they'll be. Or they start providing for themselves since they are adults. Or 2) DH takes them in. At which point you buy two smaller properties and live separately until all of the stepchildren have left. Neither of these options are easy or come without complications, but they are better for YOU than taking on 3 "kids" who aren't yours until they're ready to be independent (which by the sounds of it won't be anytime soon).

Best of luck x

This is very clear and realistic advice for OP.

Holluschickie · 15/12/2025 12:09

I do have sympathy for stepmums. Seems like the hardest job in the world! ( I am not one)
I just don't see any solution other than the OP living separately until the stepkids grow up.

jellybellyready · 15/12/2025 12:07

Mangelwurzelfortea · 15/12/2025 11:45

Well neither parent 'has' to look after THEIR OWN CHILDREN once they turn 18. But, morally, I'm sure we agree that somebody has to - and why is the assumption that it has to be the mum? No doubt the dad has paid the bare minimum for them as well as doing what sounds like the bare minimum of parenting.

I don't have much sympathy for stepparents. The OP married this man, knowing he already had three kids, and, like nearly every other stepparenting thread on MN, is now moaning at the idea of having any more than the absolute bare minimum to do with them.

Edited

Show quote history

Making assumptions the father has paid the bare minimum when you actually dont know that.

Hes offered to have the KIDS full time but the mum doesn't want that as she cant scrounge via benefits without them.

It also sounds like the Mum has done bare minimum parenting as they are all failing.

No one really cares if you have sympathy for SP either, its not relevant.

MO0N · 15/12/2025 12:03

SparklyDanceMum · 15/12/2025 07:54

Although my SC are a bit younger than yours and it’s not been officially said, I suspect this is their mum’s plan also and is genuinely one of my biggest fears - there is no way I could ever accommodate this, their upbringing is as far apart as I could even write, so there will be not a chance this will ever happen, my relationship would end before I could allow this for me and my own DC. You need to think very seriously now and have those difficult conversations with your DP - I feel for you, I really do

I have to agree with this.
It looks to me as if OP's partner's ex has deliberately weaponized the children so that they can sabotage the life that he has built with OP

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:59

DonicaLewinsky · 15/12/2025 11:51

They're more likely to be correct than someone who thinks their own personal UC calculation can be applied to any random member of the population, shows no understanding that owners and renters are treated differently when it comes to benefits and reckons that googling something must make it true. Talk about Dunning Kruger!

Again, get good advice on benefit entitlements, and do not listen to the vague and poorly informed insistence of someone who has clearly demonstrated they don't understand even the basics.

Show quote history

👍
Why you would want to push this responsibility onto the taxpayer anyway is a whole separate thread when they have a father who is apparently looking forward to enjoying early retirement at the expense of five children that needs supporting.

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 11:55

Mangelwurzelfortea · 15/12/2025 11:45

Well neither parent 'has' to look after THEIR OWN CHILDREN once they turn 18. But, morally, I'm sure we agree that somebody has to - and why is the assumption that it has to be the mum? No doubt the dad has paid the bare minimum for them as well as doing what sounds like the bare minimum of parenting.

I don't have much sympathy for stepparents. The OP married this man, knowing he already had three kids, and, like nearly every other stepparenting thread on MN, is now moaning at the idea of having any more than the absolute bare minimum to do with them.

Edited

Show quote history

I think to be fair the OP does seem to have made an effort to a point.

But overall I find MN’s full of “step parents can’t win”, they can’t, nor should they expect to. If you marry a man who already has children it is not going to be easy. Why not pick a man who doesn’t have kids and keep it straightforward rather than have kids with a man who has 3 and not want to deal with the messy bits.

His kids are not OP’s priority but they should be his. And he has grossly complicated the situation by having 2 more when his first kids lives are mess. Not uncommon and v v sad.

NearlyMonday · 15/12/2025 11:55

AMillionMugsNoTeabags · 15/12/2025 11:55

CatchTheWind1920 · 15/12/2025 11:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

That being said, it sounds like moving in with you and their dad, with firm clear boundaries and expectations would do them the world of good. With the understanding of rules and boundaries are ignored, they move out.

Sure. But who’s creating/enforcing those boundaries? Nothing in OPs posts suggests that Dad is doing anything more than blowing in the wind and agreeing with the last person he spoke to (including kids).

DonicaLewinsky · 15/12/2025 11:51

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:45

The calculators are often incorrect as many people would allude to on here and other Internet forums

The facts are available for all to find on Google.
Single adults with two working arms and legs will receive absolutely sod support Outside of their family.

The original poster has made no reference to disabilities, She’s now no mention of them being in care at any stage. And therefore we can all conclude they have their families or nothing.
And the outcome of their lives will be reflected accordingly.

Not sure why you want to die on this particular Hill but Merry Christmas to you. I hope you’ve made a donation to crisis as your penance.

Show quote history

They're more likely to be correct than someone who thinks their own personal UC calculation can be applied to any random member of the population, shows no understanding that owners and renters are treated differently when it comes to benefits and reckons that googling something must make it true. Talk about Dunning Kruger!

Again, get good advice on benefit entitlements, and do not listen to the vague and poorly informed insistence of someone who has clearly demonstrated they don't understand even the basics.

CatchTheWind1920 · 15/12/2025 11:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

That being said, it sounds like moving in with you and their dad, with firm clear boundaries and expectations would do them the world of good. With the understanding of rules and boundaries are ignored, they move out.

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:45

DonicaLewinsky · 15/12/2025 11:41

And yet you still haven't provided any source for your claim that these young adults will definitely only get their wages, because after all you didn't get UC. Turn2Us, who know better than you, take a different view.

The lesson to take here is that rather than rely on internet claims from someone who doesn't understand that their UC assessment has no bearing on anyone else, it's best to go to the professionals. There are decent calculators that can be used and organisations that know what they're talking about.

Show quote history

The calculators are often incorrect as many people would allude to on here and other Internet forums

The facts are available for all to find on Google.
Single adults with two working arms and legs will receive absolutely sod support Outside of their family.

The original poster has made no reference to disabilities, She’s now no mention of them being in care at any stage. And therefore we can all conclude they have their families or nothing.
And the outcome of their lives will be reflected accordingly.

Not sure why you want to die on this particular Hill but Merry Christmas to you. I hope you’ve made a donation to crisis as your penance.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 15/12/2025 11:45

jellybellyready · 15/12/2025 11:37

Legally he can also say No too...

They wanted the kids years ago, she said no, she just doesn't want them when they turn 18 as she will stop getting benefits for them and start costing her money. Grim, just using her kids to get benefits.

If she wants to kick them out as adults, that's on her. That doesn't mean the OP has to open her doors to lazy adults.

Show quote history

Well neither parent 'has' to look after THEIR OWN CHILDREN once they turn 18. But, morally, I'm sure we agree that somebody has to - and why is the assumption that it has to be the mum? No doubt the dad has paid the bare minimum for them as well as doing what sounds like the bare minimum of parenting.

I don't have much sympathy for stepparents. The OP married this man, knowing he already had three kids, and, like nearly every other stepparenting thread on MN, is now moaning at the idea of having any more than the absolute bare minimum to do with them.

DonicaLewinsky · 15/12/2025 11:41

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:35

The local housing allowance rates have no influence on whether you would be entitled to universal credits.
They make a difference once entitlement has been granted as to the amount of money that one might receive but it Has no bearing on the original entitlement

Show quote history

And yet you still haven't provided any source for your claim that these young adults will definitely only get their wages, because after all you didn't get UC. Turn2Us, who know better than you, take a different view.

The lesson to take here is that rather than rely on internet claims from someone who doesn't understand that their UC assessment has no bearing on anyone else, it's best to go to the professionals. There are decent calculators that can be used and organisations that know what they're talking about.

jellybellyready · 15/12/2025 11:37

Mangelwurzelfortea · 15/12/2025 11:25

But legally she can do exactly that. She will have been paying the lion's share of the expenses of looking after them, including housing them, for years. She's right, it IS their dad's turn now. She won't be getting any help for them once they've turned 18 and she wants to downsize. Why is looking after THEIR kids just her problem and not their dad's?

Show quote history

Legally he can also say No too...

They wanted the kids years ago, she said no, she just doesn't want them when they turn 18 as she will stop getting benefits for them and start costing her money. Grim, just using her kids to get benefits.

If she wants to kick them out as adults, that's on her. That doesn't mean the OP has to open her doors to lazy adults.

usedtobeaylis · 15/12/2025 11:36

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 11:27

They are not adults! They are 14,16 and 17 and are already being prepped by their mum that at 18 they will no longer have a home with her. Regardless that they will be adults when she kicks them out (1 by 1 over a period of a few years) they are having to deal with that knowledge now - and however they present in their behaviour this is going to have a massive impact on them mentally, emotionally and what life choices they make. The youngest is also going to have to watch her oldest sibling kicked out and see how they manage, followed a year or so later by her next oldest sibling kicked out and see how they do - all the time knowing this is coming for her too. How can anyone say this is ok?

Show quote history

The fact that they will be adults when they move in is the whole point. That's what the whole thing is based on. Jesus wept.

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:35

DonicaLewinsky · 15/12/2025 11:34

Feast your eyes on this. Local housing allowance rates, by area. It is my solem duty to inform you that they are not all the same!

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/universal-credit-local-housing-allowance-rates-2025-to-2026

Show quote history

The local housing allowance rates have no influence on whether you would be entitled to universal credits.
They make a difference once entitlement has been granted as to the amount of money that one might receive but it Has no bearing on the original entitlement

constantnc · 15/12/2025 11:34

14, 16, 17 years old....you have time.

Start by deciding your dd need their own rooms, and the sc can share when they spend the 2/14 days with you.

Pocket money if given now relate to chores done. Put up a clear schedule of chores with a weekend rosta for all the children. No chores no £.

Tell dp he either steps up and starts parenting his sc or you up and leave.

And mean it. No way would I be taking these adults on.

DonicaLewinsky · 15/12/2025 11:34

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:30

Universal credit is exactly that universal. It doesn’t vary by area at all. You’re talking nonsense.

Once entitlement has been established they might receive more if they lived in London but the entitlement threshold is the same.

Edited

Show quote history

Feast your eyes on this. Local housing allowance rates, by area. It is my solem duty to inform you that they are not all the same!

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/universal-credit-local-housing-allowance-rates-2025-to-2026

Universal Credit Local Housing Allowance rates: 2025 to 2026

Monthly Universal Credit Local Housing Allowance rates for England, Scotland and Wales from 2025 to 2026.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/universal-credit-local-housing-allowance-rates-2025-to-2026