Page 10 | To not want SC to move in?

Phylllis · 2025-12-14T19:48:59+00:00

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed. I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away. Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us. I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to. In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be). The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it. AIBU?

sittingonabeach · 15/12/2025 13:43

@teawithjamandbread2 they are 14,16 and 17, not sure that counts as adults.

teawithjamandbread2 · 15/12/2025 13:40

I haven’t read the full thread but I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You have hit the nail on the head - they are adults. And lazy ones by the sounds of it. I’m not saying they should be getting their own places at this stage but it does seem very unfair that the mother has kept them throughout their childhood, raised them very badly then as soon as child support stops decides they are your problem.

Regardless they are still your husbands kids but if they do move in I would be setting some very clear rules straight away.

sittingonabeach · 15/12/2025 13:36

The mum's had to house them. Teens are very expensive to feed! How big is her current house?

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:36

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 13:34

Think you will find cms and the courts disagree on that. Certainly from my experience of them both. School trips/uniforms are often seen as extras unless the monthly maintenance was raised to take these into account and it was made clear to both parties.

Phones are a choice not an essential and if the 17yr old wants one why are they not working to pay for it? Why is your dp? Your dp is paying because throwing money at the situation is easier for him than actual parenting.

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And why didn’t DP move nearer them as they got older when he could have seen his kids independently.

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 13:34

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:27

Because she doesn’t contribute to anything like that, and from my perspective, the £800 should go towards it.

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Think you will find cms and the courts disagree on that. Certainly from my experience of them both. School trips/uniforms are often seen as extras unless the monthly maintenance was raised to take these into account and it was made clear to both parties.

Phones are a choice not an essential and if the 17yr old wants one why are they not working to pay for it? Why is your dp? Your dp is paying because throwing money at the situation is easier for him than actual parenting.

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:32

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 13:30

@sittingonabeach I'm not suggesting that the Op expected them to go to uni and never return again, I'm saying that before rents and house prices became so high a lot more young adults didn't automatically come back home after uni, they set up home in house shares or flats and lived independent lives.

These kids were 2, 4 and 5 when she met him a hell of a long way from independent lives.

Luckyingame · 15/12/2025 13:30

I'd seriously walk away.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 13:30

@sittingonabeach I'm not suggesting that the Op expected them to go to uni and never return again, I'm saying that before rents and house prices became so high a lot more young adults didn't automatically come back home after uni, they set up home in house shares or flats and lived independent lives.

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 13:29

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:28

£800 doesn’t seem like a massive amount for 3 kids . What is it supposed to cover?
She isn’t a great benchmark anyways by the sounds of things.

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I know! 25 years ago I got cms minimum for 1 child and that was £225 - and he wasn’t a high earner

Neither parent are a great benchmark

IAmKerplunk · 15/12/2025 13:28

Great your dp was concerned about paying for school trips but less concerned about actively parenting his dc in the very limited time he has them.

I feel very sorry for step mums - imagine finding yourself in this situation and then having to be faced with the fact that you too gave your dc a useless father? That he’s only a ‘good’ father to your own dc because you are around.

These threads always demonise the mum who has been left with the dc. People will now jump on her for probably being on benefits but yet that is actually what posters are encouraging the 3 dc to do!

@Phylllis how long until the 1st dc turns 18? And how long after that the 2nd and 3rd?

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:28

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:27

Because she doesn’t contribute to anything like that, and from my perspective, the £800 should go towards it.

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£800 doesn’t seem like a massive amount for 3 kids . What is it supposed to cover?
She isn’t a great benchmark anyways by the sounds of things.

Original poster

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:27

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:22

How is him paying for that things “making their life at their mum’s so comfortable”. It seems fairly standard for a parent to pay for a school trip?

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Because she doesn’t contribute to anything like that, and from my perspective, the £800 should go towards it.

OP posts:

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:22

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:18

No she doesn’t work, she lives with a partner who does. Maintenance is £800 a month plus DP pays for their school and college uniforms and a £150 monthly allowance each for phones, clothes, travel and so on.

I don’t know what benefits she gets.

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How is him paying for that things “making their life at their mum’s so comfortable”. It seems fairly standard for a parent to pay for a school trip?

sittingonabeach · 15/12/2025 13:21

@Daleksatemyshed even if you go to uni you still need somewhere to live during holidays, DS is at uni and is home nearly half the year.Also would need help with finance.

Many graduates come back to live at home now after uni until they can afford to live elsewhere and that fact has been in the news for quite a few years now. And why should it be the mum who always has to accommodate them.

nomas · 15/12/2025 13:21

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:18

No she doesn’t work, she lives with a partner who does. Maintenance is £800 a month plus DP pays for their school and college uniforms and a £150 monthly allowance each for phones, clothes, travel and so on.

I don’t know what benefits she gets.

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That's a healthy amount of CM. Is that the CMS calculated amount or more?

Original poster

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:18

nomas · 15/12/2025 13:15

Does she work? If not, the loss of maintenance is going to be a blow for her.

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No she doesn’t work, she lives with a partner who does. Maintenance is £800 a month plus DP pays for their school and college uniforms and a £150 monthly allowance each for phones, clothes, travel and so on.

I don’t know what benefits she gets.

OP posts:

Daleksatemyshed · 15/12/2025 13:17

The Op expected her DSC to go to uni then want to make their own way in the world, even 20 years ago that would have been a pretty reasonable assumption, she couldn't have foreseen house prices and rents rising making it more likely her DSC would look to stay with a parent for years after leaving school. Maybe if @Phylllis had known she'd never have taken up with a man with DC

Original poster

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:16

Whatafustercluck · 15/12/2025 13:07

Op, you mention SEN leads. Do your stepchildren have additional needs/ disabilities? The reason I ask is to help me understand if the reason they're the way they are is a result of that, parenting, or a mix of both. If dh's ex was left to raise 3 children with SEN, alone (more or less), then it's not unreasonable for her to expect some input from their father. It could also explain what you likely perceive as neglect on her part.

Either way, I think you have (not unreasonably) come to the conclusion that having them live with you full time is untenable. In which case, what is your plan? The way I see it, your dh is the one with the responsibility here. He is not unreasonable in saying his children can live with him. But he's unreasonable to expect you to go along with it. You cannot and should not be expected to be treated like the hired help in your own home, SEN or no SEN.

They don’t have any diagnosed SEN. We have asked on various occasions for one or other of them to be assessed for dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD, and arranged eyesight and hearing tests for them. Nothing was found.

SD1 had quite a lot of time off school with anxiety when she was about 14 but again nothing diagnosed or treated formally.

OP posts:

nomas · 15/12/2025 13:15

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:12

I feel sad for her too. I think she’s quite delusional at this point and real life is going to be a harsh awakening.

Over the years, their mum has directed them to their dad for basically everything and in my opinion, they see him (and by extension me) as someone who can and should unquestioningly fund everything. I’ve said to DP for years that he needs to find a balance and sometimes say no to them, or direct them back to their mum. He finds it very hard to see them go without when it comes to things like school trips. But maybe if he hadn’t made their life at their mum’s so comfortable, they’d have developed more of a work ethic or moved in with us.

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Does she work? If not, the loss of maintenance is going to be a blow for her.

Original poster

Phylllis · 15/12/2025 13:12

AnonAnonmystery · 15/12/2025 12:48

@Phylllis your sd’s level of entitlement is off the scale. Looking down on you for working? Wtf? The first thing I taught my daughters is the need to work hard and be successful and they have to outperform males ( due to the flawed and unfair way women are treated un the workplace).
Taking up swimming lessons? I feel a bit sad for her as she prob wasn’t given the opportunity as a child and stems back to her neglectful childhood.

I feel sad for her too. I think she’s quite delusional at this point and real life is going to be a harsh awakening.

Over the years, their mum has directed them to their dad for basically everything and in my opinion, they see him (and by extension me) as someone who can and should unquestioningly fund everything. I’ve said to DP for years that he needs to find a balance and sometimes say no to them, or direct them back to their mum. He finds it very hard to see them go without when it comes to things like school trips. But maybe if he hadn’t made their life at their mum’s so comfortable, they’d have developed more of a work ethic or moved in with us.

OP posts:

the7Vabo · 15/12/2025 13:10

Holluschickie · 15/12/2025 12:09

I do have sympathy for stepmums. Seems like the hardest job in the world! ( I am not one)
I just don't see any solution other than the OP living separately until the stepkids grow up.

It’s a choice. If you marry a man who has kids they will come first and his ex will be in your life to some degree. If you marry a man without kids you & your kids are his priority.
I feel some sympathy for anyone in a difficult situation, but most MN threads are SM not wanting to deal with SC or bio mums wanting their children to be treated same as other grandchildren.
A mess basically and a fairly foreseeable one.

Whatafustercluck · 15/12/2025 13:07

Op, you mention SEN leads. Do your stepchildren have additional needs/ disabilities? The reason I ask is to help me understand if the reason they're the way they are is a result of that, parenting, or a mix of both. If dh's ex was left to raise 3 children with SEN, alone (more or less), then it's not unreasonable for her to expect some input from their father. It could also explain what you likely perceive as neglect on her part.

Either way, I think you have (not unreasonably) come to the conclusion that having them live with you full time is untenable. In which case, what is your plan? The way I see it, your dh is the one with the responsibility here. He is not unreasonable in saying his children can live with him. But he's unreasonable to expect you to go along with it. You cannot and should not be expected to be treated like the hired help in your own home, SEN or no SEN.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/12/2025 13:03

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 20:12

I don’t think our relationship would survive SC all living with us. I love them but after a weekend with them, I am utterly exhausted. There’s constant shouting and squabbles between them, talking back to us, and me being treated like some kind of inconvenient maid, doing all the cooking and laundry for everyone whilst they hog the TV and roll their eyes. It takes the whole household a few days to get back on track after they leave.

To be honest I was looking forward to repurposing their rooms when they became adults too. Our DDs share a room whilst SC each have their own, and my home office is a corner downstairs.

Why do you dc who live 24/7 with you share a room while the ate dc who have their own rooms at mums also have own rooms at dads

they need to share - whichever sex so 3 rooms go to 2 and your kids get their own room

it’s a rough choice but dh won’t support you as hasn’t the past decade an you need to decide whether to stay or split

RetirementTimes · 15/12/2025 12:56

Having read @Phylllis update - you need to sort out the room issue asap - preferably over Christmas. Make it known to SC as well. Your DC need a room each as they are in the house all the time. This will help send a clear signal that you are putting your foot down.

Quick and decisive action required.

The other option is for your partner to move out. It is not your job to make up for the shit parenting of others.

DisappearingGirl · 15/12/2025 12:48

I feel so sorry for those kids, but they can't just be dumped on OP at age 18 with no qualifications or work ethic, on top of OP's job and other young children.

If their dad is going to house them, support them in finding college or jobs, and ensure they pull their weight at home, then there needs to be a concrete plan for how dad (not OP) is going to do this on a practical day-to-day basis.

If they move into OP's house with OP, this will land on OP.