To not want SC to move in?

This is often forgotten - there are often a good few years in between maintenance stopping and dc being able to pay suitable rent (whilst hopefully still saving to move out!) It always seems to be the mum who then has to suck up those costs. It’s really hard and I know people will say don’t have dc you can’t afford but sometimes life happens and throws you a curve ball and you are in a position you didn’t ever think you would be. But not for the dad eh? They get to say no. Yet as per this thread for once it is the women (op and mum) saying no and what is the dad actually doing off his own back?

The dad in this scenario paying for phones/netflix/other subscriptions monthly is ridiculous especially for the 17yr old. I can imagine it being fine for the parent to still do this if the dc are studying hard or even if they are working to a point whilst they are starting out but the dad here is not willing to implement any standards to his dc.

100 % this

I don’t think you can necessarily blame the mum for not wanting them for financial reasons once they reach 18. She may not be able to afford them. I receive a healthy maintenance from exh and is the only reason I can afford a 4 bed house and the bills. Once maintenance stops the kids will not be paying me as much as maintenance does. Over FT and just and used to get UC but a minimal pay rise has meant that I’ve lost that now. It’s really hard. I have one dc at uni so no money to support her during holidays. It’s not easy on just my salary.

My take on it would be that the children are a product of their environment.

I would allow the eldest to move in once they finish education - this will help prove to them that they are loved by their dad. I would not lavish them with money - they would get bed and board but no money given for going out/clothes etc. They would be encouraged to get a job - maybe with a timeframe but on it, helped to curate a CV, maybe some skills looked into. As much as it is easier to sit back and let them do what they want so they dont get in a strop your DH would actually be a better parent by making them step up and helping them to go out into the world.

She can refuse, and she’s already said she would, smartly, prefer to split.

He would be the one that would have to leave though, and OP is the only one of the pair that could afford to keep the house.

Me too

The mother and the father have given them no work ethic.
The husband will do fuck all getting the dc to stick to boundaries if they move in. It will be left to the op because she won’t want their younger siblings growing up with that example.

Ultimately I think there's been a million different variables that could have made the situation worse/better/the same. You're currently stuck in a nightmare situation and you need to make the right decision for you, which for me would be leaving your husband to pick up the pieces with his kids.

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It's all very well the Op getting her DH to agree to conditions before the DSC move in but what will he do if/when they don't abide by them. Once their living there he isn't going to chuck them out if they don't get a job so the Op then have to live with it or leave herself. Their DM given them no work ethic, she's happy to live on other people's money so the kids have no incentive to work.

Poor kids, they’ve been written off as unachieving losers because they didn’t do well at school.

I don’t see how you can refuse OP. You can put your foot down and risk ruining your relationship with your DP.

Or you can say enough’s enough and move out yourself and leave your DH to it.

Or you can rise to the challenge, be the better person and take an interest in your DC’s siblings and help them find their feet to adulthood.

But if they move in with you, you have every right to stipulate that being unemployed at home is not an option; they either have to be in education or in work.

When he ends up single and living with his older kids, I expect he'll probably regret not taking those conversations more seriously.

Yes @Phylllis needs to focus on the best outcome for her own children and her own home life. It is not up to the Op to make up for the neglect of the biological parents in this case.

Op doesn’t have to do anything. As per her posts she has made her feelings quite clear for a decade on what their dad should do regarding instilling boundaries and their behaviour but by the ops admission their dad hasn’t done anything. It’s up to him now if he gets involved when his dc are made homeless at 18. But the dad hasn’t posted probably because he is hoping the op will find a solution, tell what to do or take the easiest option

Sure, and while they’re currently dealing with that situation, it’s not at the stage where OP feels the need to pull the trigger on breaking up. It may never get to that stage, as the stepchildren may decide against living with their father, and/or he may decide against housing his adult children.

Why should she?

And maybe the mum genuinely is doing her best.

I agree the saddest thing is their education - but their dad needs to ensure they know they can go back to it - it might not be as easy as at the age they are now but they need to know and feel they have not been written off by those closest to them

To be fair we don’t know it was always about the money for the mum, and whilst it is the op here asking for advice we should all remember that real life is much more nuanced and complicated than can be expressed on here. That’s not to say I think op is lying (I don’t) but it is very easy to say things from your own point of view to make you look reasonable. Probably the mum could do the same. Like always - the whole truth will be somewhere in between.

No it’s not the ops responsibility. The op has intimated that she would split up if the dc came to live there.

Seeing as the dad only does what their dc other parent does then she could/should strongly suggest to him that he steps up and asks how he thinks he can achieve that.

But as far as the mother goes it was anout the money. It would have been interesting if the father intervenec a few years ago thus putting a stop to the mothers increased cash flow.

The children will be adults. It is the mother's behaviour that they should question.

Much as their mother can refuse to house them after 18, so he can he. What you think he should do is not what he has to do.

It’s not OP’s responsibility regardless of whether he’s in possession of a spine or not.

If he wants to try and house then himself he can. If he can’t afford to and/or doesn’t want to, then he won’t. That’s up to him.

He would have to afford his own place in the event that he and OP split, but it wouldn’t be able to afford the size of house he has now. Not that it really matters right now, given that they haven’t split.

Hence why their other parent, their dad, needs to step up and do all he can to ensure they know it’s not about money but it is about helping and supporting them. God knows they need it! It won’t be easy given what they have been used to so far but he at least has to try.