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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit sad that I’m the only person in my household who would enjoy a fancier Christmas meal?

165 replies

IndolentCat · 14/12/2025 18:31

I love food. OH sees it as fuel. I said will we have a little starter on Christmas (just a raw fennel and orange salad, with or without smoked fish, it’s lovely and very light). He said neither he nor his mum will want it because Christmas dinner is large- but actually we are only having a normal roast and no pudding because his mum has said she’s not interested in puddings (I’m cooking, but at hers). I just thought it would be nice to do something a bit fancier to mark the occasion, but they’re not at all interested.

I could make it just for me (OH’s suggestion) but really, what would be the point? Just feeling a bit sad that I am unlikely to every have a Christmas dinner or any meal which has more of a sense of occasion.

(OH has social anxiety and I don’t have any other family, he just has his mum. So it’s only ever going to be the two or three of us. Growing up and in my younger years food and meals in my family have always been a source of pleasure and a place of connection, but it’s just not like that now. I love OH and he is a really supportive, loving partner, this isn’t about him and certainly not a LTB situation!)

I am actually quite surprised at how sad I feel about this. I could cry, and that’s unreasonable I know!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 15/12/2025 11:30

Chickensky · 15/12/2025 00:25

@IndolentCat "I’m in danger of shrinking my world to a smaller size than i really want it to be"

It's so good you see this as something that could happen. Many of us don't until it is too late. Whatever you decide about the starter and dessert, please reach out to friends and even as an introvert try and make friends who you may be able to share your love of food with and socialise with on separate occasions.

Make time to see people outside of your DH and his mum. It won't change anything for this Xmas particularly, and maybe you will have several Xmas with this situation (which I would not want but I don't know your relationship), but it is healthier for you to also have outside friends and influences as well as your DH.

This is very important.

Edited
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Amen!!

Sharptonguedwoman · 15/12/2025 09:32

BlueJuniper94 · 14/12/2025 18:40

But you can't exactly sit down and eat a starter while everyone else watches

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I think I would, just out of cussedness but I take your point.

JG24 · 15/12/2025 09:22

My partner is a little bit similar in that he sees food as something to fill him up. We do go to restaurants together but I go out with friends more as I have a few that love food and love the sense of occasion etc
So I'd just compromise on the Xmas dinner but maybe arrange a meal with friends in the festive period and do exactly what you want to do
Or have people round and cook for them if that's more your thing

Anywherebuthere · 15/12/2025 08:17

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 05:19

To keep the peace you could have your starter in the kitchen with music and a glass of fizz 'while you're busy cooking'.

Perhaps you could make it and take it in a cool bag. I would also plan for leftovers because to me one of the benefits of a Christmas lunch is the leftovers, meaning you don't have to cook again for a couple of days - make sure you take home anything you'd like to eat again. If I'm only cooking for 2/3 people, I make enough for 4 to 6 and then Boxing Day is covered by potatoes and pigs in blankets fried up for breakfast, lunch is hot meat and stuffing sandwiches and dinner is grazing from cheese, pork pie, meat, pickles, salad, dessert etc.

But I don't understand why a roast has to be 'massive'. Have less so you have room for a starter and dessert surely? We generally make it last over a few hours anyway and if we had a starter at 1, then we'd chat, play games, open presents etc before having the meal at around 2 then there would be more chat before having pudding at maybe 4. We don't watch the King's speech, but it could fit in there if that's what they want. DH and MIL can do the washing up while you relax with more fizz and your book. Then in the early evening have pudding, coffee etc. So in effect it does lunch and dinner on Christmas day and there's always leftovers, cheese and mince pies for anyone who wants anything later in the evening,

Maybe get some games like Dominos, Uno or a fun quiz to help fill the time?

So she should she hide away in the kitchen to have a starter. Why?

Sartre · 15/12/2025 06:34

I feel your pain. If my DH had things his way we’d have a curry on Christmas Day! I love putting lots of effort in to ‘fancier’ foods but know there’s zilch point because everyone will turn their noses up and I’d just be massively disappointed having put so much effort in.

Having said that, I made one of Nigel Slater’s cake recipes from his Christmas Chronicles book yesterday. It was way fancier than any cake I’d usually make and I fully expected DC to turn their noses up but they all loved it. Sometimes you can be surprised.

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 06:30

Can you just have it again the next day, or freeze it? I appreciate you might have limited storage space on a narrow boat, but that's what I do.

Cook something, eat it over 2-3 days until it's gone, then cook something else. If you're eating things you really enjoy, it doesn't matter if you have it more than once, that's a pleasure.

Original poster
IndolentCat · 15/12/2025 06:26

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:04

I see this a lot with women. Thinking that there’s no point in cooking something if it’s only for them.

You’re worth cooking for!

I do cook for myself. Usually I decide what we’re having and I make that. I do try and accommodate the others’ preferences as well, but if it’s something only I will eat it does feel indulgent because usually there will be leftover ingredients or food and then it might be wasted.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndolentCat · 15/12/2025 06:23

sittingonabeach · 14/12/2025 23:23

@IndolentCat why do you have to be up so early to start cooking?

I’m doing a slow roast lamb. It’ll want several hours at a low temperature (or Nigella says put it in overnight at gas mark 1, but we are travelling Christmas Eve so I don’t know if it will work like that, being able to start cooking soon after arriving). And when I’ve hosted Christmas before, we’ve had dinner later on around 5, because I think it makes for a nicer structure to the day, but this time MiL is hosting us and so it’s up to her what time we eat, open gifts, etc.

if you love to cook OP you should have no difficulty in inviting and hosting meals at your home.

I live on a narrowboat so it’s not as simple as that (in winter)! We don’t even have a proper table.

OP posts:
Cursula · 15/12/2025 06:22

sprigatito · 14/12/2025 22:46

I’m not the poster who gets up at the crack of dawn to cook for 3! I’m cooking for 7 and I will be up at the crack of dawn, but only because I want to know what’s in my stocking.

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Sorry - I meant the OP but was also agreeing with you about the eating in 15 minutes being incredible.

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:19

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 06:13

Also pandering to fussy and restricted eating such that they rarely get to eat what they want, despite often being the only person who does any cooking.

So as well as 'you're worth cooking for', you're worth eating your choice of food at least as often as other people getting their preferences. If they don't like it, they make their own food (once they start secondary school at least, and obviously disabilities accounted for). So if you want soup, an omelette or whatever else you fancy and CBA cooking, don't think 'but he wants a big meaty man meal so I have to cook that' because you don't.

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100%

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 06:13

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:04

I see this a lot with women. Thinking that there’s no point in cooking something if it’s only for them.

You’re worth cooking for!

Also pandering to fussy and restricted eating such that they rarely get to eat what they want, despite often being the only person who does any cooking.

So as well as 'you're worth cooking for', you're worth eating your choice of food at least as often as other people getting their preferences. If they don't like it, they make their own food (once they start secondary school at least, and obviously disabilities accounted for). So if you want soup, an omelette or whatever else you fancy and CBA cooking, don't think 'but he wants a big meaty man meal so I have to cook that' because you don't.

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 06:04

I see this a lot with women. Thinking that there’s no point in cooking something if it’s only for them.

You’re worth cooking for!

Bjorkdidit · 15/12/2025 05:19

To keep the peace you could have your starter in the kitchen with music and a glass of fizz 'while you're busy cooking'.

Perhaps you could make it and take it in a cool bag. I would also plan for leftovers because to me one of the benefits of a Christmas lunch is the leftovers, meaning you don't have to cook again for a couple of days - make sure you take home anything you'd like to eat again. If I'm only cooking for 2/3 people, I make enough for 4 to 6 and then Boxing Day is covered by potatoes and pigs in blankets fried up for breakfast, lunch is hot meat and stuffing sandwiches and dinner is grazing from cheese, pork pie, meat, pickles, salad, dessert etc.

But I don't understand why a roast has to be 'massive'. Have less so you have room for a starter and dessert surely? We generally make it last over a few hours anyway and if we had a starter at 1, then we'd chat, play games, open presents etc before having the meal at around 2 then there would be more chat before having pudding at maybe 4. We don't watch the King's speech, but it could fit in there if that's what they want. DH and MIL can do the washing up while you relax with more fizz and your book. Then in the early evening have pudding, coffee etc. So in effect it does lunch and dinner on Christmas day and there's always leftovers, cheese and mince pies for anyone who wants anything later in the evening,

Maybe get some games like Dominos, Uno or a fun quiz to help fill the time?

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/12/2025 05:17

Hell would freeze over before I’d have Christmas dinner without something sweet at the end and I’d happily savor it if I were the only one eating it. Make sure you tell your dh that it might not be his easiest Christmas at his mums but you’ve cooked all the food and it would be very rude of him to not say something nice about it or even to moan about it, he can eat his next Christmas meal in the garden alone, serving up whatever he’s managed to cook if he can’t make a little effort so your day is ok too.

Bleachedjeans · 15/12/2025 03:32

I don’t get it. Why agree to be bossed around? Make what you want and if there’s anything that someone doesn’t want, they can refuse their portion I would motor in and do what I want. Why even check with DH about starters? Dont kowtow to DH and MIL .

Meadowfinch · 15/12/2025 00:43

I'd make the starter for myself anyway. Offer it to them.

Dress the table, best wine glasses, candles. Have your starter, do xmas your way, since you are cooking.

Then serve their roast, but with redcurrant jelly, bread sauce, all the veggies And then desserts.

Maybe you can change their minds. Or create different traditions. Will you have children with your partner. You can make a new kind of xmas that they will enjoy one day.

IridiumSky · 15/12/2025 00:31

What a very sad story. Your family is boring.

OP, make your lovely starter for everyone: you’re cooking; you’re in charge. And open Champagne. This is an event which marks the passing of the years not a nutritional fuel stop. If the others don’t at least try the starter, that’s their loss (and they’re also being very rude).

And what’s this about the main course being big? It’s not obligatory to take a portion the size of the Falkland Islands. What are they, Neanderthals? 🙄

I complete understand why you’re upset. And I’m only a man!

Chickensky · 15/12/2025 00:25

IndolentCat · 14/12/2025 18:48

I mean, I have got things I can nibble and eat (and drink!) but it’s more the enjoyment of the meal itself. We used to have ours later on, stretching it through the day, and make it a real occasion, but his mum wants it at 1 o’clock and it’ll be done and dusted by 1:30. God knows what we’ll do for the rest of the afternoon!

i might see if I have any friends who’d be up for another go at it. I was thinking of taking myself out for my birthday in January actually, because it’s occurred to me that while I’m also an introvert, I’m in danger of shrinking my world to a smaller size than i really want it to be.

@IndolentCat "I’m in danger of shrinking my world to a smaller size than i really want it to be"

It's so good you see this as something that could happen. Many of us don't until it is too late. Whatever you decide about the starter and dessert, please reach out to friends and even as an introvert try and make friends who you may be able to share your love of food with and socialise with on separate occasions.

Make time to see people outside of your DH and his mum. It won't change anything for this Xmas particularly, and maybe you will have several Xmas with this situation (which I would not want but I don't know your relationship), but it is healthier for you to also have outside friends and influences as well as your DH.

This is very important.

BeeHive909 · 14/12/2025 23:29

Kindly I think you’re being unreasonable. There’s nothing wrong with them wanting it the way they want it too. I also wouldn’t eat your fancy starter as it’s not for me. Sounds like you are missing part of your past . In relationships it’s equal. Make the food you would like as a starter but don’t make it awkward when they don’t want it. You don’t have to stay with them the full afternoon surely. We all have traditions. Like ours is food, rest, walk and then a Christmas movie. Time to make yours.

sittingonabeach · 14/12/2025 23:23

@IndolentCat why do you have to be up so early to start cooking?

Sexnotgendah · 14/12/2025 23:12

That’s not fair on you. He should either get into the spirit of enjoying the (lovely sounding) food or else he should accept that you should invite a guest who can share your joy. He can’t have it both ways

Leftsidefacing · 14/12/2025 23:03

I’m the sort who would very happily just have a tin of rice pudding or a frozen pizza for Christmas lunch if I was on my own but if someone else was cooking and put a lovely salad starter in front of me I wouldn’t be a misery about it!

Make the starter and enjoy it, OP. Make it for the others, or don’t…just remember, you matter too. I’m in the same situation as you family wise and I’ve sat in front of DH slowly eating my thing after he’s finished (he eats really fast and I got fed up of feeling rushed) sooo many times its normal now.

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 14/12/2025 22:50

Can you have a fancier table to make it feel a little more special at least? Dunelm have Christmas dinner sets for about £20, probably even cheaper the nearer it gets to Christmas, and some festive glasses, napkins, a table candle etc.

sprigatito · 14/12/2025 22:46

Cursula · 14/12/2025 22:33

And I’m struggling to see how you have to be up at the crack of dawn to cook a meal for three?
OP please do what suits you, if you are cooking. I think they’ll be easily swept up in your plans and enthusiasm for a slightly different day.

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I’m not the poster who gets up at the crack of dawn to cook for 3! I’m cooking for 7 and I will be up at the crack of dawn, but only because I want to know what’s in my stocking.

Cornishclio · 14/12/2025 22:44

Make it anyway. You don't need to miss out just because they won't try things. It sounds delicious. Your MIL is getting it at the time she wants it (I would make her wait tbh and have it a bit later or in the evening.) Maybe they might have bigger appetites then. If you fancy three courses and you are cooking then do it and savour it. Life is too short to only be fitting in with what others want. You are entitled to enjoy your meal in as many courses as you want and at whatever speed. If your DH and MIL want to bolt a normal meal down and not make any effort that is up to them. Pour yourself a champagne and have your starter and leave DH and MIL to serve up the main course while you savour your starter. They can clear up while you have your dessert.