Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away Boxing Day - 3 Jan

40 replies

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 17:47

DH has just been invited to a wedding, next year, it's between Xmas and NYE. Because of work, there is no way I can take the time off, work will not allow me the time off (we have a rota for Xmas period leave as it's an extremely busy time of year).

It's an 18 hour journey, long haul flight plus car ride, it's an old friend's wedding. Who he hasn't seen in a decade. DH's flight leaves Boxing Day.

I'll have to juggle work and childcare for our then 3 year old but I can solve that by having my mum over. My dad will be working but he'll pop over too.

He's excited and has already said yes. I just feel really...deflated about it? I don't know, I would have never considered leaving him and DD for that time of year. And not for a friend who I hadn't bothered to see in a decade (tbf both the friend and ourselves have moved abroad, opposite ends of the world so it's tricky).

AIBU to be a bit upset? I have told him he can go but that I'm not thrilled. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy about it and said that it's just over a week and I'll have my mum over and it's mean of me to try and stop him.

OP posts:
Newyearawaits · 14/12/2025 19:11

174ghxt · 14/12/2025 18:23

Am I right in thinking that the reason he hasn't seen the friend for so long is the distance?
I get that the Christmas holiday is a particularly bad time for him to go because it's a family time, but as a one-off thing I would accept it.

This and he will be with you up to and including Xmas day
It wouldn't bother me

Tiswa · 14/12/2025 19:09

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:45

Thanks all. DH has presented it as done deal and is really very much insisting that I'm being unreasonable to express any kind of disapproval.

So at least you've made me feel better I'm not going crazy here.

And that is what you need to push back on. That it isn’t about going it is about the fact that he isn’t seeing what he is asking of you and what he is potentially missing and the burden given you have to work he is expecting your parents to step up and take his place.

because that is the issue isn’t it not him going and I would make that clear

174ghxt · 14/12/2025 19:08

You're not unreasonable for being disappointed and he's not unreasonable for being excited. And make sure you also get time to kick loose and have an equally long/expensive break or equivalent minibreaks. You're not just a wife and mother any more than he's just a husband and father.

ProfessionalPirate · 14/12/2025 19:05

AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:44

Yes, the distance is the reason, mainly. Friend moved away but then we did too so we don't get to see each other u less visits overlap, which they so far never have. But they barely text or speak as well.

He only found out the guy was a father when his baby was 4 months old.

Show quote history

This is ridiculous. It would be one thing if it was a family member or best friend but in this case…
to be honest, the fact that he even wants to go in these circumstances is awful. I can say with certainty that both my DH and I would have declined something like this without further discussion (and we are people who usually love a good wedding abroad and have attended several!)

Original poster
AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:45

Thanks all. DH has presented it as done deal and is really very much insisting that I'm being unreasonable to express any kind of disapproval.

So at least you've made me feel better I'm not going crazy here.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlltheCoffeePlease1809 · 14/12/2025 18:44

174ghxt · 14/12/2025 18:23

Am I right in thinking that the reason he hasn't seen the friend for so long is the distance?
I get that the Christmas holiday is a particularly bad time for him to go because it's a family time, but as a one-off thing I would accept it.

Yes, the distance is the reason, mainly. Friend moved away but then we did too so we don't get to see each other u less visits overlap, which they so far never have. But they barely text or speak as well.

He only found out the guy was a father when his baby was 4 months old.

OP posts:
174ghxt · 14/12/2025 18:23

Am I right in thinking that the reason he hasn't seen the friend for so long is the distance?
I get that the Christmas holiday is a particularly bad time for him to go because it's a family time, but as a one-off thing I would accept it.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 14/12/2025 18:20

I'd be utterly furious, especially if you don't get a lot of time off work. It's selfish at best. And how much is it going to cost?

atamlin · 14/12/2025 18:20

Any other time of year I’d be happy for him! But at Christmas, no. He’s probably planning on spending Christmas Day packing, so I’d make sure he does that well in advance.

Mine was asked to be best man a few years ago at an abroad wedding that would mean him leaving on Boxing Day. He didn’t want to go but if he had, I’d have seen it as a sign that he wasn’t invested in family life.

ginasevern · 14/12/2025 18:18

I'll be honest, if I was invited to a wedding (jolly) abroad I would deep down want to go but for the sake of my DH and child, at Christmas especially, I'd decline and say no more about it. Of course your DH understands why you're not thrilled, anyone normal would but he's doing what men do best. Putting himself first and blanking out anything that spoils his fun I'm afraid.

Ballondor · 14/12/2025 18:16

I’m a little different to some of the responses above. He should definitely have discussed it with you before agreeing and assuming it was fine. However, if properly discussed and arranged, with plenty of notice, I probably wouldn’t mind this as a one off, isolated, event. That said, I’d obviously prefer if it was shorter or not at all.

Tiswa · 14/12/2025 18:12

He said it was mean of you. Nope that would not go down well with me

i would point out that saying how hard it will be for you to sort the pressure it places on you and your parents and the fact he is leaving your child isn’t mean it is true

sundayvibeswig22 · 14/12/2025 18:10

I would have no problem with dh doing this as a one off for his best friend/ sister (someone really close) but it’s strange that your dh is happy to give up a special and busy time at home to go to someone’s wedding at an expensive time of year, that he hasn’t seen in a decade.

VegBox · 14/12/2025 17:57

Not unreasonable at all! It's really shit for him to spend most of the Christmas holiday away from you and your child. I can't fathom wanting to have that time away from my family.

Daytimenighttime · 14/12/2025 17:55

He doesn't seem very invested in you or his child if he has unilaterally decided to bail out of the family at a time when spending quality time with those closest to him would have been the norm.