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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make DD wear a dress?

284 replies

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:13

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

OP posts:
IPM · 14/12/2025 15:52

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Ddakji · 14/12/2025 15:51

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:49

Ironically, I disagree with school uniforms, or at least how they’re implemented. Grin

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I loathe school uniforms (especially in primary) and think they’re a colossal waste of money and school time spent policing them. But most Brits are wedded to them. Think the sky will fall in if several hundred kids don’t all wear the same thing.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/12/2025 15:51

BeepBoopBop · 14/12/2025 15:47

YANBU it’s about being appropriate. Part of parenting is helping children reach the correct decisions based on experience. All the parents advocating freedom of choice - yeah great. Until the OP rocks up to parents evening in a filthy onesie - then personal choice is suddenly not so cool. Dressing appropriately is an admirable skill, following the herd is sad.

The OP presumably is an adult, less invested in fitting in with her peer group and able to freely choose what she wears. A 14 year old girl developmentally will want to dress like her friends, only has access to what is bought for her to wear and is still learning. Not the same thing at all.

dapsnotplimsolls · 14/12/2025 15:51

Jeans and a jumper - it'll probably be freezing!

Lavender14 · 14/12/2025 15:51

Honestly op this kind of thinking really irks me and I actively avoid churches that have the culture of 'Sunday best' because its exclusive and ultimately elitist/consumerist and for me, goes against everything a church should be about. Church events should be open to everyone and therefore should have an 'anything goes' dress code. So I'd say that jeans and a Billie eilish top are appropriate. It's not a wedding or an interview.

I would let her wear what she wants to wear as long as its weather appropriate. Of course she wants to 'fit in' she's 14 years old and at that age everyone wants to blend in with the crowd. I think you need to really consider why you want her to wear the dress and why you think that's any better. Who is it that YOU are wanting to impress/ fit in with.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:51

RawBloomers · 14/12/2025 15:48

I think your issue here is that your idea of what’s appropriate and her idea of what’s appropriate are different.

And on this occasion it sounds like DD’s probably more right than you are.

If lots of others in the choir are going to be in jeans and t-shirts, dressing more formally/smartly is not appropriate. It has the potential to make people feel out of place (and your DD is a person who can feel out of place) and less welcome.

If the choir wanted a particular look they could set rules for attire, but most Churches are much keener on having people come as they are, wanting the church to be welcoming for everyone not just those with a budget and a sense of occasion. And they are happy for their choirs to reflect that.

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You made a pretty good point and didn’t even have to resort to name calling. They did mention hair being tied up(H&S) so I guess if they were particularly bothered/wanted a certain look they would’ve mentioned that too. Thank you.

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 14/12/2025 15:49

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:31

By asking her. She’s a good kid so it often doesn’t take more than that. Like I said, she’s not really arguing back but I can see she’s unhappy, which is why I posted.

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Fair enough. But you don't want to make her unhappy for no reason do you? What does it matter what she wears?

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:49

Ddakji · 14/12/2025 15:45

I bet 99% of those frothing away about the OP making some suggestions are in favour of school uniform.

Edited

Ironically, I disagree with school uniforms, or at least how they’re implemented. Grin

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 14/12/2025 15:48

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:21

99% of the time I agree and we rarely argue about what she should wear. For regular church services she’s in trakkies/jeans/leggings. Just to add , I’m not religious, this is something she chose to do (confirmation) so no push from me on that side.
However, I do think you should dress for the occasion and baggy jeans and a billie Eilish tshirt are not appropriate for a church carol service where she will be involved (not just sitting in a pew). Just like it wouldn’t be appropriate for a wedding , or at a job interview or plenty of other situations.

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I think your issue here is that your idea of what’s appropriate and her idea of what’s appropriate are different.

And on this occasion it sounds like DD’s probably more right than you are.

If lots of others in the choir are going to be in jeans and t-shirts, dressing more formally/smartly is not appropriate. It has the potential to make people feel out of place (and your DD is a person who can feel out of place) and less welcome.

If the choir wanted a particular look they could set rules for attire, but most Churches are much keener on having people come as they are, wanting the church to be welcoming for everyone not just those with a budget and a sense of occasion. And they are happy for their choirs to reflect that.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/12/2025 15:47

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:44

How far does that go or does it only apply to church?

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I’d say for the most part tbh. Unless there’s a uniform and as long as what she’s wearing is clean, and not indecent I just don’t get involved in what my 14 year old DD wears.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:47

IPM · 14/12/2025 15:45

Bored then?

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Not at all, but of course parents do have a certain degree of say in what their kids wear, even at 14. Come on…

OP posts:
BeepBoopBop · 14/12/2025 15:47

YANBU it’s about being appropriate. Part of parenting is helping children reach the correct decisions based on experience. All the parents advocating freedom of choice - yeah great. Until the OP rocks up to parents evening in a filthy onesie - then personal choice is suddenly not so cool. Dressing appropriately is an admirable skill, following the herd is sad.

Happyjoe · 14/12/2025 15:45

Aww, she's 14, way old enough to let her wear what she wants. I can still remember my mum forcing me into shorts (I hated shorts and trousers) when I was 6 for a big street party, cried my eyes out and was a miserable day, I can't imagine being 14 and still being told what to do. Can she not wear a pretty top or jumper of her choosing with jeans?

sprigatito · 14/12/2025 15:45

Ddakji · 14/12/2025 15:45

I bet 99% of those frothing away about the OP making some suggestions are in favour of school uniform.

Edited

I’m the 1%, then 😂

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:45

Ddakji · 14/12/2025 15:40

I would agree a compromise with her in jeans and a decent top. Yes, it would be nice if she wore the dress but she won’t want to stick out with her peers and it’s definitely not worth an argument over.

That’s what I’m leaning towards now, but apparently that’s wrong too. Grin

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 14/12/2025 15:45

Leggings no, jeans ok. Making some accommodation for the event.

IPM · 14/12/2025 15:45

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:44

How far does that go or does it only apply to church?

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Bored then?

StrongandNorthern · 14/12/2025 15:45

At 14 it's her choice.
A lot of 14 year olds wouldn't even go to a carol service!
Let her enjoy it, on her terms.

Ddakji · 14/12/2025 15:45

I bet 99% of those frothing away about the OP making some suggestions are in favour of school uniform.

sprigatito · 14/12/2025 15:44

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:42

The thing is, she’d have something to say if I went with her dressed in my trakkies or my santa skirt. And I can respect a venue /event even if I don’t believe in it. I wouldn’t visit a mosque in shorts and a tank top either.

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Yes, but she’s 14…what’s your excuse for being irrational and controlling? You’re reaching now. Stop being a snob and let her breathe.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:44

IPM · 14/12/2025 15:38

Why don't you just butt your nose out?

If any of this is true and you're not just bored, it's absolutely none of your business what your 14 year old chooses to wear to church.

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How far does that go or does it only apply to church?

OP posts:
Ddakji · 14/12/2025 15:43

rainbowunicorn · 14/12/2025 15:41

You really are not getting it are you?
It is not up to you to give in or decide on a top. It is up to her. You dont get to dictate what someone else wears.

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She’s not dictating. She’s suggesting. Teens need guidance sometimes. There is often a time and a place for certain types of clothes to be more or less ideal.

TFImBackIn · 14/12/2025 15:42

For god's sake, OP, you have a lovely daughter who wants to be like her friends in a very minor way that doesn't affect anyone else at all. Give her a hug and tell her to wear what she wants. You're being completely daft.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:42

JudgeBread · 14/12/2025 15:32

Christ I thought you were going to say she was 6.

Why are you choosing this hill to die on? Especially as none of the other kids will be in dresses so you're literally asking her to stand out like a sore thumb (which is the exact opposite of what most teenagers want, are you so very old that you've forgotten what it's like to be 14?).

On top of that you're not even fucking religious so you can't even stand by your own bullshit that it's about "respect" for the church can you? At least be honest and say it's about controlling her.

The thing is, she’d have something to say if I went with her dressed in my trakkies or my santa skirt. And I can respect a venue /event even if I don’t believe in it. I wouldn’t visit a mosque in shorts and a tank top either.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 14/12/2025 15:41

14?! I thought you were going to say 7/8!

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