To make DD wear a dress?

Of course you’ve read all the OP’s posts where she says her DD chose the dress and has worn it happily in the last year, yes? And that a suitable compromise has been reached?

I wouldn't have left the house if my mum tried getting me in a knitted dress at 14. YABU.

But what everyone else is doing is the standard. If you’re looking for rules from god about what to wear in church I can only recall something about women covering their heads. Otherwise it’s society’s rules and those are entirely defined by what other people do. There isn’t anything else.

It's old fashioned to expect girls to wear dresses when they don't want to.

It’s not “old fashioned” to want your child dress properly and smartly when they are performing in front of a congregation. Or at any “occasion” for that matter. Parents who say it doesn’t matter are doing their children a disservice IMO

BTW, Being part of a choir is the opposite of standing out and doing what you want - it’s about conformity. Can a member of a choir start singing their own notes because it makes them more “comfortable”?

My mum would have made me wear a skirt/dress too and I would have complied because you did in those days. Also if she's involved and not sitting in a pew then I agree she should be vaguely smart - blouse and jeans perhaps - not a t-shirt.

Now DM lives in jeans and never ever wears a skirt or dress ;)

I agree with the pp who said take the dress with you.

If you haven’t left already, I’d let her wear the jeans and t-shirt but not a Billie Eillish one personally.
BUT I’d take the dress in a bag because sometimes kids will say they are going to wear one thing and then you turn up and all THEIR mums have made them wear smart and you end up being the one looking like an odd one out. Then she has the option to quickly change if so.

YABU. Your ideas are a little old fashioned. I would agree with you if she wanted to wear something very revealing, but jeans and a band tee is absolutely fine. People don't really dress up for church nowadays, plus if there was a dress code enforced by the choir director you would know about it.

40 odd years ago, when I was in my late teens, the “ladies of the choir” had a word with the vicar about me rocking up to do sideman duty in really short shorts. He was a good family friend and just told them he was happy I wanted to be there. I don’t know how my parents coped - they’d have defintely hated it! - but they said not a word and let me choose. And I had a fabulous relationship with them for how they managed my teens years. They only ever wanted to discuss situations that could impact my safety. The rest was up to me.

Sounds like you came to a good compromise. I hope you have a lovely evening, I love a good carol service.

Pick your battles and let her wear the jeans.

My mum on 3 occasions forced me to wear a dress. I'm 36 and I remember all 3 times vividly. Like to add she is a wonderful mother I was just bummed I had to wear a dress when I'd have been much more comfy in jeans and a band t. My point is even after all these years I remember it and not fondly. Let your daughter wear what she wants, better to be under dressed than over.

I also feel really uncomfortable about girls being made to wear dresses. Our ancestors fought a long battle to free us from this bullshit!

A compromise , I got to wear my socks that had Les McKeown face on them

Jeans and a T-shirt are completely fine for performing in at the churches I've been to (regular attender here). Jesus wasn't very into clothes, why should his followers be? Choose your battles. I do like the idea of putting the dress in your bag for emergency use, though, in case she's got it wrong. That would be a kind thing to do, provided you can resist saying "I told you so".

Nope, not being obtuse at all.

It’s a carol service at a church for God’s sake, not a state visit followed by a black tie dinner, nothing formal about it😂

Teenagers wearing jeans and t -shirts, shock horror call the police and alert the church elders 🤣🤣🤣

Sorry, but this is crazy. Let her wear what she is comfortable in. Unless you are attending a funeral or wedding, there is no reason whatsoever to ‘dress up’ for church these days (I say this as a former head chorister and also Sunday creche teacher). A carol service is meant to be a joyous seasonal occasion - you will smother that joy if you push this.

But why? These limits have nothing to do with Christian doctrine.

I wear jeans/trousers to church (I ring bells and a skirt is not terribly convenient but trousers are also warmer in a space that was not designed for flimsy clothing and the vicar wears trousers too - and is a woman) and so do lots of people. God is not interested in what you wear and if other people are, so what? If the rest of the group is in jeans and T-shirt your DD will look out of place. Let her wear jeans.

Mine went to a church carol service this morning and picked their own clothes. They are 7 and 3.

What is wrong with people? Instil some standards for goodness sake 😂

And she’s not wearing shorts or a tank top either. There’s nothing immodest or disrespectful about jeans.

YADBU, she’s 14 not 4, you’re lucky she still wants to go to church at that age, give her a break or you are in for a shock when she gets to 16.