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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD wear a dress?

284 replies

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:13

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

OP posts:
Imdunfer · 15/12/2025 19:46

Ddakji · 15/12/2025 19:29

Another one who hasn’t bothered to read all the OP’s posts and see that she and her DD came to a solution that not only suited everyone but fitted in with what the majority were wearing.

What do you get out of these posts?

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I answered the question that I quoted !

And who made you forum police? Whoever it was they recruited PC Plod, not Morse.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 15/12/2025 19:41

Imdunfer · 15/12/2025 19:03

Do you want a relationship with her when she's an adult?

As far as a14 year old needs to go to feel she belongs. Your job is too make her feel so strong that she doesn't feel the need to follow the herd, not to physically prevent her from putting on clothes that do that.

Edited
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Yeah…. No. That’s not how it works.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 15/12/2025 19:29

Imdunfer · 15/12/2025 19:03

Do you want a relationship with her when she's an adult?

As far as a14 year old needs to go to feel she belongs. Your job is too make her feel so strong that she doesn't feel the need to follow the herd, not to physically prevent her from putting on clothes that do that.

Edited
Show quote history

Another one who hasn’t bothered to read all the OP’s posts and see that she and her DD came to a solution that not only suited everyone but fitted in with what the majority were wearing.

What do you get out of these posts?

Imdunfer · 15/12/2025 19:03

EatYourDamnPie · 15/12/2025 17:45

This argument makes me extremely uncomfortable. While I know it’s a pick your battles situation, how far should I let things slide /how far should she go for fear of “social death”?

Show quote history

Do you want a relationship with her when she's an adult?

As far as a14 year old needs to go to feel she belongs. Your job is too make her feel so strong that she doesn't feel the need to follow the herd, not to physically prevent her from putting on clothes that do that.

Itslikesowhatever · 15/12/2025 18:37

Seems like you won’t listen no matter what anyone says so it was pointless posting!

RobinEllacotStrike · 15/12/2025 18:34

3within3 · 15/12/2025 17:35

Glad you got to a decent outcome OP.
Best teen parenting advice I ever received was “connection over correction”

as someone with a very difficult 14yo DD I'm going to cling to “connection over correction” for a while. 🙏🏼

i can relate home video GIF
Instructions · 15/12/2025 18:11

I go to a children's carol service every Christmas Eve at which the vicars wear jeans and Christmas jumpers.

Honestly, op, I think your approach is pretty outdated. I also wonder how much of your stance comes from "but what will people think of me if my daughter doesn't wear a dress?"

Ddakji · 15/12/2025 17:56

EatYourDamnPie · 15/12/2025 17:45

This argument makes me extremely uncomfortable. While I know it’s a pick your battles situation, how far should I let things slide /how far should she go for fear of “social death”?

Show quote history

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother listening to people who are so stupid they can’t read all your posts before commenting - their opinions are worthless. Don’t give any of them a second’s thought.

3within3 · 15/12/2025 17:52

EatYourDamnPie · 15/12/2025 17:45

This argument makes me extremely uncomfortable. While I know it’s a pick your battles situation, how far should I let things slide /how far should she go for fear of “social death”?

Show quote history

Id say the tipping point is when we’re worried for them, rather than worried for others or for ourselves

TeiTetua · 15/12/2025 17:48

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

I forget where I heard that, but it seems like a good plan.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 15/12/2025 17:45

Dolphinnoises · 15/12/2025 17:28

Social death comes easily at 14. Tell her the vibe should be smart and leave it to her to choose how.

This argument makes me extremely uncomfortable. While I know it’s a pick your battles situation, how far should I let things slide /how far should she go for fear of “social death”?

OP posts:
3within3 · 15/12/2025 17:35

Glad you got to a decent outcome OP.
Best teen parenting advice I ever received was “connection over correction”

pictoosh · 15/12/2025 17:34

I'm not a fan of the notion that one's attire is a mark of 'respect'. It's a stupid gauge of someone's worthiness...completely arbitrary.
So it's a bleh from me anyway...BUT if the others are dressing casually in jeans and t-shirts, doubly so.

Why make an example of her?

Mischance · 15/12/2025 17:30

Why is it respectful to the church for a girl to wear a skirt? - or disrespectful not to?

Makes not a whit of sense. Let her wear what the others are - don't make her feel embarrassed.

Dolphinnoises · 15/12/2025 17:28

Social death comes easily at 14. Tell her the vibe should be smart and leave it to her to choose how.

Sahara123 · 15/12/2025 17:15

I know it wasn’t church but I still remember being made to go to a party wearing a dress and white ankle socks, the others were all wearing jeans. I was absolutely mortified, I always felt different to my peers and I hated it.

gogomomo2 · 15/12/2025 17:14

I was reading in church yesterday at the carol service, I wore jeans and a fluffy jumper, nobody minds what you wear, as long as it’s presentable I suppose, not your gardening clothes

PloddingAlong21 · 15/12/2025 17:14

Hopefully you’re not this controlling for everything in her life, she will push you away or stop telling you stuff

YourLoyalPlumOP · 15/12/2025 17:12

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:15

Sorry meant to add that in the OP but I forgot. 14.

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No. I wouldn’t make them wear anything they didn’t want too

C8H10N4O2 · 15/12/2025 17:11

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 19:41

Well we’re back. A lot of people were in jeans and a nice top/jumper/blouse. Some of the girls were in dresses/skirts. Only one person from her group of friends was in leggings and a band tee . DD was perfectly average (lesson learned for me) in her smarter jeans and her zip up , fitted jumper hoodie (lesson learned for her), rather than the baggy ones with dangly bits. She wouldn’t have stood out in the dress either tbh . She said she might wear it at the Christmas service .🙈

If children are participating in services they are given guidance. If the only guidance is “tie your hair back” that is all they need to do.

Carol services generally are not formal occasions like weddings or job interviews they are community get togethers like any other religious service. Your DD has chosen to be confirmed, you are not religious - she probably has gained better handle on the norms at her particular place of worship.

Bromptotoo · 15/12/2025 17:09

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:15

Sorry meant to add that in the OP but I forgot. 14.

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YABVU

Poodlelove · 15/12/2025 17:04

I think if she was 4 and wearing something inappropriate then you could tell her no.
Age 14 , she must be allowed to wear what her friends are wearing, it Is hard enough being a teenager these days without extra upset that you could cause her.

Ddakji · 15/12/2025 16:54

Zov · 15/12/2025 16:31

THIS! Please tell me you didn't force your almost adult daughter to wear a dress @EatYourDamnPie It's not a visit to see King Charles, it's a carol service at the local church!

95% of nearly 1400 posters think YABU. You must know you are!!!

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Do try reading all the OP’s posts otherwise you do end up looking rather stupid.

TheDenimPoet · 15/12/2025 16:50

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:15

Sorry meant to add that in the OP but I forgot. 14.

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Oh my god I thought you were going to say 4 or something like that. She's 14?! Of course she can decide what she wears! I would have been SO uncomfortable in a dress at that age, despite wearing them when I was younger, so please do not make your DD wear one.

Whyamiherenow · 15/12/2025 16:46

I go to church pretty regularly. Relative is a vicar. My opinion is that people should just wear whatever they are comfortable in. The person will be more comfortable and more likely to want to go back to church. Clothes aren’t really important. People wear all sorts to church nowadays just like going to the theatre and in all other walks of life. It isn’t a big deal.

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