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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD wear a dress?

284 replies

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:13

She has a church Christmas carol service tonight. It’s a knitted , casual dress that she picked and worn many times before. Apparently all her friends will be wearing jeans/leggings and band/casual tshirts. She doesn’t want to wear the dress because all her friends will be in jeans. In my eyes , it’s irrelevant what everyone does and it’s a sign of respect to the church, the event and other people going. If she had anything else (other than her uniform)even remotely smart casual it would be fine , but she doesn’t(I’ll work on that situation in the new year). The dress fits her well and she looks great in it, but like I said, it’s not even that she hates her dress it’s about what everyone else will wear.
She’s not kicking off, but she’s not happy about it either.

AIBU to tell her she has to wear the dress?

OP posts:
HaveaVeryMerryBerryChristmas · 14/12/2025 15:27

YABU. Your daughter will grow up resenting you. A postive attitude and behaviour, and being true to herself is what is respectful to the church. Let her wear what she is comfortable in. My dm used to pressure me into dresses as a child; and honestly it did nothing but make me feel like I couldn't be myself. Edited to say (at that time). I actually grew up to like dresses. Let her be 14; your attitude is outdated.

PrimSec · 14/12/2025 15:27

Are the other friends participating in the service as well? If just attending, I'd be fine letting her choose and originally voted YABU. But if she's participating I think she should be a bit smarter. Not necessarily the dress, but the band t-shirt in particular seems a bit much. Compromise on jeans and nicer top?

FirstdatesFred · 14/12/2025 15:26

Also I don't get why you're so hung up on it especially when you know she won't stick out as her friends are wearing casual clothes.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/12/2025 15:26

I always wear jeans and trainers to church

Toddlerteaplease · 14/12/2025 15:25

As long as there isn’t too much flesh on display, let her wear what she likes.

FirstdatesFred · 14/12/2025 15:25

No church should or does carewhat young people wear within reason.

Let her wear what she wants.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:25

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 15:21

I always wear trousers to church ( and anywhere else). I’m pretty sure God doesn’t mind- I suspect his mind is on higher things.

I did suggest her black trousers with a nicer top (not a lot to choose from but hey ho), but that wasn’t a good option either.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 14/12/2025 15:25

It’s church.

There no dress code. You are either there because she sings in the choir and/or religious.

No one should be judged on the level of their faith based on what they wear.

Plus she’s 14 so it’s up to her anyway.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/12/2025 15:24

I always wear jeans to church!

vanillalattes · 14/12/2025 15:24

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:21

99% of the time I agree and we rarely argue about what she should wear. For regular church services she’s in trakkies/jeans/leggings. Just to add , I’m not religious, this is something she chose to do (confirmation) so no push from me on that side.
However, I do think you should dress for the occasion and baggy jeans and a billie Eilish tshirt are not appropriate for a church carol service where she will be involved (not just sitting in a pew). Just like it wouldn’t be appropriate for a wedding , or at a job interview or plenty of other situations.

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She's old enough to decide for herself what's suitable.

Greenfinch7 · 14/12/2025 15:23

I would let her wear what she wants but I would bring the dress along (without telling her). She might get there and find that all her friends are actually more dressed up than they said they would be, and she might want to quickly change when she sees them... this happened to me once more than 40 years ago and I can remember the feeling of shame at being underdressed.

My mum and I had had a fight about it- I had refused to dress up and then arrived to find that she had been right, and everyone else was formally dressed. I always think she missed a chance to be not only right but incredibly kind, if she had just brought the dress along with her and whipped it out when I realised I needed it.

triballeader · 14/12/2025 15:23

At my old church we had families turn up in their best Christmas PJs for carol services. As long as it is decent let her wear what she finds comfortable and possibly warm. My DD’s used to turn up wearing Slipknot hoodys and hell bunny tops and their dad is the priest.

TBH I would far rather people came as they are and share in some of the joy rather than feel horribly uncomfortable and that this was not a space they could come to ever again.

Mumsntfan1 · 14/12/2025 15:22

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:15

Sorry meant to add that in the OP but I forgot. 14.

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Then I wouldn't. She's old enough to decide for herself.

Lookingforwardto2025 · 14/12/2025 15:21

At 14 I would let her choose. Casual clothes are fine in church.

Original poster
EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:21

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 15:16

At 14 shes old enough to decide what she wants to wear. Yabu - lay off.

99% of the time I agree and we rarely argue about what she should wear. For regular church services she’s in trakkies/jeans/leggings. Just to add , I’m not religious, this is something she chose to do (confirmation) so no push from me on that side.
However, I do think you should dress for the occasion and baggy jeans and a billie Eilish tshirt are not appropriate for a church carol service where she will be involved (not just sitting in a pew). Just like it wouldn’t be appropriate for a wedding , or at a job interview or plenty of other situations.

OP posts:
Puddingpiper · 14/12/2025 15:21

My mum used to do this for family dinners etc, only outcome was that I refused to wear a dress on principle from being 17-27. She is wearing jeans not a bikini all will be fine

NormasArse · 14/12/2025 15:21

I always wear trousers to church ( and anywhere else). I’m pretty sure God doesn’t mind- I suspect his mind is on higher things.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 14/12/2025 15:20

Wanting to dress like her friends at 14 is completely normal and understandable.
It isn't a character flaw.

It sounds like you want her to know her own mind, be an individual by wearing what you want her to wear.

Makes no sense to me. Let her wear what she wants.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 14/12/2025 15:19

Yabu girl

Notateacheranymore · 14/12/2025 15:19

Please don’t make her wear the dress if she doesn’t want to.

Surely God, if you have a faith, doesn’t really care how you look when you attend church?!?! Unless it’s that malicious, grumpy OT God you are thinking of.

Tell her she can wear what she wants BUT you get to see in advance just to check nothing too far the other way.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/12/2025 15:19

EatYourDamnPie · 14/12/2025 15:15

Sorry meant to add that in the OP but I forgot. 14.

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14! You can dictate what she wears, that’s out of order. God doesn’t care if she wears trousers and neither should you.

staringatthesun · 14/12/2025 15:18

Please pick your battles with your 14 year old daughter and let her have some autonomy about what she wears.

FuzzyWolf · 14/12/2025 15:18

YABU.

TellmethestoryofO · 14/12/2025 15:18

How old is she?
I’d let her wear what she wants to wear, yes it’s great for them to own their individuality and this will come with time but she’s probably at the age where she doesn’t want to stand out and just wants to fit in with her friends.
Wearing jeans in church is not disrespectful!

TakingTheTime · 14/12/2025 15:18

She's 14 - of course she wants to wear what her mates are wearing. Don't try to make her wear something that will singleher out as being different. Many kids of that age wouldn't even attend a church service.