To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

I don’t think this is as much about your daughter’s grief and more her lack of care for others in her family who are grieving, ie. her aunt, cousins and you. She sounds self-absorbed and I understand your disappointment in her behaviour.

It sounds like you want her to come more for your benefit/expectations/how it looks than anything.

Funerals are for us, but we all grieve a loved one differently and we cannot judge how another does it. She has made her decision and that's how it is.

Hope all goes well.

I feel really sad that she isn't coming, I appreciate funerals aren't for everyone and some people grieve differently, but even if it were a case of not wanting to go to the funeral, I'd have thought she would want to visit, to be there for her cousins, aunt and family in general?

Is she still close to her cousins etc, though? I didn’t go to my aunt’s funeral - sent a condolence card and would have attended if it was local to me, or if other elderly relatives had needed a lift there, but I doubt my attendance or otherwise made any difference at all to my cousin as we are really not close as adults.

I am sorry for your loss. Everybody grievs differently. I went to my grandma's funeral because i felt pressured in to going. I don't find funerals helpful at all.

I don’t think you can expect a 25 yr old to fly to a different country to attend a funeral of an uncle they were close to as a small child, no.

Your other two are there to support you, and your dd is old enough to weigh up the situation and make her own decisions. My aunt didn’t even fly home for her own mother’s funeral (due to the fact she had flown back to be with her when she was ill and was there when she died)

I’m sorry for your loss

You say they were close when DD was small, meaning they no longer are.
Im in my 50’s and my aunts/uncles are getting in a bit, so this scenario has been on my mind a bit recently as a couple have been in poor health. We haven’t been close since I was very small, so I also wouldn’t attend their funerals. I wouldn’t travel for hours with the time/cost that involves.

Im a fairly recent widow, people grieve in different ways, I didn’t/wouldn’t feel badly about anyone who chooses not to attend a funeral.

Her cousins, aunt and family is general will have plenty of friends and family at the funeral to support them, your DD’s not attendance will not affect anyone. In this situation I would send my condolences and not attend either, it’s a long way to travel and at the busiest and most expensive time of the year. DD doesn’t need to be there to remember her uncle, she can still be thinking of him. Your BIL has gone, he’ll never know DD did not attend.

What was her actual reason not to come over and has she been to many funerals, whilst it’s upsetting for you, everyone is different.

People grieve differently and she has her own life to lead. Just because you don’t view her as being busy, doesn’t mean that she isn’t or that she wants to spend the excessive Christmas-hike in flight prices on travelling.

Whilst YABU about this, I’m sorry about his death and I hope the funeral goes as gently for all of you as it can.

Yes it’s sad and a little self interested that’s she’s not coming back. Be thankful for your 2 children that are offering support.

She just feels differently to you, OP, and she's an adult wwith her own opinionsand priorities. She has chosen not to come, and I think that's fine.