To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

🙄

It's not just the flight though, is it?

It's the cost, the time off work, re-arranging clients (she works freelance), sorting out things like pet care (if necessary) etc.

If I had a funeral to attend "just a short flight away" it would cost me at least £500 to attend it. I can't afford that, no matter how much I care for the person.

Mumsnet is full some seriously miserable people who clearly don’t value family or connections. A whole cohort of people stuck in the rat race bleating on about going no contact for the silliest stuff.

Op your daughter is terrible for not attending to support you and family even if she’s not massively affected by the death. It’s no way for an adult close family member to behave. She’s clearly consumed in the social media life and that is inherently hedonistic, artificial and vacuous so I’m not surprised. Suggest to her she can vlog she may change her mind.

No I would not expect her to fly back. Your family seems well supported and her life is elsewhere.

It's a nice idea but in reality, it's not always practical, especially if you live abroad or are self-employed and/or don't get paid when you take time off.

My extended family all live(d) in Australia. They had a huge impact on my life but it was impossible for me to attend their funerals when they passed away - for financial reasons as much as anything else.

This is nonsense, nowhere does the OP say that she hasn’t had contact since she was a child and it’s not like she is being dragged away from another important family event. It’s a short flight almost a week before Christmas!

This OP.
Also you're giving everything full importance as this is your family.

You must remember this is just part of her family, she also has her father's family as well as yours.
So in a way she's a lot more "spread thin", especially with people she hasn't had a relationship since she was a child.

I seem to be in the minority but for me if someone has had an impact on your life your should show your respects at their funeral.

I was very close to my aunties family when I was little, spent so much time there and I even lived with them for a while. I stopped seeing them when I was a teenager and now I would barely say hi if I walked past them in the street because we are basically strangers.

Just because he was prominent in your daughters life when she was a child doesnt mean anything once she is an adult, she wont remember a lot of it.

I see the same with my own son, he would love sleep overs and fun days out with my sister but as he's getting older the connection they had is weakening and I wonder how much he is going to see her once he is an older teen.

YABU, your BIL is not important to your daughter and that's fine, I'm sorry for your loss and its nice you have other family going.

My mum was one of 7. I grew up with caring uncles and aunts. I have lived in the UK for 35 years there are 2 left of the 7 siblings. I went back for 2 funerals one my mum's. Not because I didnt care but because its a lot to travel over for a funeral. It doesnt make the grief any better it just is an expectation you show

I have no regrets for not showing for the 3 uncles that passed. I know my cousins are fine with my not being there. The 1 I did show for the cousisn were not invited to the after part so there were just the actual funeral service. It costs money and time out to go

I think early twenties are the most ‘selfish’ stage, and I kind of think that’s a good thing. Young adults are building lives with relationships and jobs and at some level they need to prioritise themselves as they establish themselves. She can express condolences in other ways.
Sorry for your loss.

I’m surprised some people on here believe family funerals should be mandatory. Grief is a private matter and everyone should be able to do so in their own way rather than be bullied into attending.

Having said that OP, I’m sorry you have lost your wonderful BIL.

Sorry for your loss, but I think you're being a little unreasonable here expecting her to travel from abroad, especially if she's self employed/ freelance. It's not just the cancelling/ time off work, it's all the other logistics and deadlines that may be involved. I was in a similar position recently for a family funeral in the UK for an elderly auntie. It wasn't possible for me to take more than a day off work, would have involved driving from Yorkshire to a very remote area of Kent and back in a day by myself. I sent my condolences and apologies to my uncle and cousins who I'm very close with and they absolutely understood.

@MyKindHiker clearly not everyone thinks that funerals should be mandatory. Some people find them helpful when it comes to being able to move on, others find them traumatising and some don't see the point at all. I think as a society we are moving away a bit from traditional funerals and more people opt for direct cremations and similar. Nobody is doing it wrong, but people have a choice and that choice shouldn't be used to try and guilt them into doing something that doesn't feel right for them.

I get where you’re coming from but I don’t think she is BU either. If the service is been streamed send her the link and she can attend online. If she’s a freelance worker you can’t expect her to let people down at short notice t she has work planned.

I don't think this is about cost or time off work. This is an extremely busy time of year for everyone. Living abroad is exactly that, living abroad. She is not on extended holiday and able to drop everything for a funeral you want her to attend. She probably also has commitments. How would you feel if you were told to pack a bag and jump on a plane tomorrow?

Wow I’m pretty surprised by the posts on here. I’d say attendance at family funerals is mandatory!

She lives overseas and works overseas - are you going to fund her travel? Reimburse her for her missing work?

My family were all overseas and I never attended any of their funerals - it simply wasn't possible, either financially or logistically. That's life, unfortunately. Not everyone can attend everything.

Wow I’m pretty surprised by the posts on here. I’d say attendance at family funerals is mandatory! My sister didn’t come to my uncle’s and we were all fuming with her.

Honestly the responses - her priorities, her wishes - what about doing things we don’t want to or are hard because it would mean something to the people we love? (The mum in this scenario, let alone cousins and aunt)

It feels we’re raising a generation of selfish entitled monsters. Between this and the thread of people being pretty outraged a mother had asked her 19 year old daughter in full time work to do her own laundry - I mean if this is the way y’all are raising your kids, get ready to be chucked into the cheapest nursing home at the first opportunity for them never to be seen again. Yikes.

Have you offered to pay for her flights? A "short flight from Europe" won't be cheap at this time of year, and attending the funeral will involve several days of travel and expense for her.

I do think YABU to just expect her to attend, especially as you don't appear to have discussed it with her until today.

I disagree that her absence will not affect anyone. It’s affecting her mother already. And it will be noted and remembered.
Maybe she genuinely can’t come. And it’s true that it’s not a good time of year to travel and it’s true that people grieve differently.
I do think a little show of real regret that she can’t come wouldn’t go amiss though to make her aunt and cousins feel better. Alongside an attempt to show some love and support in a different way.

A 95 year old might feel they've "been to too many funerals" but a 25 year old??? Don't be ridiculous.

You don’t know what else she has going on.

at 25 she’s building her own life and won’t necessarily tell you about illness/friendship problems/issues with dad’s family (you say dad is in another country).

she said she can’t make it. Believe her.

Can she attend virtually? That may not mean as much to you, but it would show respect.

I really think expecting her to fly home for a funeral is OTT; lovely if she suggested it,

My extended family are supportive of one another, but I did tell my lovely cousins not to travel from Devon to NE Scotland for my Dad’s funeral. It’s not as if we would be socialising etc.

Can she afford the flights? Traveling it’s self will mean a lot of time out of work. Is she still close the aunty, uncle and cousins?

YABU. Shes old enough to make up her own mind, it doesn’t sound as if they were close for a number of years, either to her uncle or cousins, and she may just not like funerals

noone should be forced to go, she has her own life now, and you sound quite bitter about that