To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

You can't force her to come. By all means ask and say it would mean a lot to you. But she's an adult living far away and even if she did really care for him it could just be a lot to ask logistically. Or emotionally.

Everyone deals with death on their own way. I'm sorry for your loss. X

It’s not batshit. It’s batshit that you people don’t consider funerals important, weddings, graduation nor birthdays. It’s the same old rubbish on mumsnet, those who live extremely self centred and lonely lives crawl out to make the rest who have healthy family values feel like they're alien. She’s not running a country is she? It’s a social media account which can be ran from anywhere. Taking a day or two out to pay your respects and support your loved ones is literally the least you can do. It’s a testament to her poor character unfortunately.

Yep, horrendously selfish to have to work to pay my bills and mortgage 👍

It’s not uncommon for people in their 20s to go through a selfish phase as they focus on their own identity, starting to build their own life and career and breaking away from the family unit to be fully independent.

You don’t fly out just for the dead person, you fly out to support your nearest and dearest. I hope you’re prepared to be reciprocated when it’s your turn.

If you’re not going to do this for a funeral (it’s a close funeral) then what exactly are you going to do it for? Nothing. Ergo selfish.

When my dad died only one of my cousins who lives outside of Ireland flew over for the funeral. In fairness some of them live in Australia and Dubai and also in Ireland funerals happen only a few days after the death so it can be tricky logistically.

It’s unfair to compare her to her siblings as she is further away and it’s more difficult for her to attend. Not attending the funeral doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her uncles death .
Unless she has form for not celebrating holidays with you I can’t see why going to her dads would be an issue.

Oh god I wouldn't fly abroad for any in law I've ever had, especially not one I'd not spent much time with since childhood. Mum and dad are the only funerals I feel obliged to go to and I'd give them a miss if I could. I definitely won't be having a funeral myself, I just find them miserable, pointless and a waste of money.

She's got her own life now OP and as an adult she can make her own decisions. It makes much more sense for your younger 2 to go as they are still around and get on well with the cousins.

This is batshit

She is running a business, in a different country, she likely cannot just ditch everything, especially before Christmas.

I'd love to live in MN-world.

It must be really nice to be able to afford last-minute flights to Europe at a moments' notice, to be able to take days off work without worrying about the financial impact.

Meanwhile, in reality, most people can't do that. They have commitments, work, animals and other things that they can't just drop at a moments' notice.

She works abroad. He's her uncle not her Dad, she may not be able to take the time off from her business.

It really is up to her

It is the case sometimes that once they become adult, people don't always have clear memories of relatives who were a big part of their lives when they were kids. That varies person to person.

Your 20s can be a v self absorbed time, but if she's building a business online, just before Christmas may not be a great time to travel.

I would focus on asking her to write a really nice letter to your sister. Pick your battles and have faith her priorities will round out.

Your dd is an adult now. She has her own values, opinions and priorities, and it is up to her whether she travels home for a funeral.

Let her live her life to her standards rather than yours.

And sometimes it's just not possible to do that. It doesn't make people "selfish" just because they can't drop their lives and travel at a moments notice.

Can all of your DC afford £1,000+ to attend a funeral?

She does sound very selfish.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves for people that have been special in our lives, and pay our respects.

Isn't the fact that she lives overseas and would need to pay for flights and miss out on work (freelance, so no compassionate leave or annual leave) a good enough reason?

I often wonder what world people live in where they can just drop everything and get on a plane at a moments' notice.

I would really not expect someone to fly in from abroad for a funeral unless it was parents/grandparents/siblings. I live in Europe and have not been able to attend the funerals of aunts/uncles.

Can she even afford to drop around £1,000 for Christmas flights to attend a funeral?

One of my nieces married around Christmas and our flights alone were £750 each in 2018! (in the end it cost us £7,000-8,000 to attend).

I still couldn't attend even if the funeral was in Europe, though.

I'd have to take at least two days off work, and I'm self employed (like the OP's DD) so it would cost me several hundred in lost income. I'd have to pay for flights on top (another £100 or s), and pay someone to come in last-minute and feed the cats and look after the dog.

It's not like most people can just drop everything and hop on a plane.

I'm 66 and will never attend another funeral. I've only been to 5 and it's my personal decision not to go to anyone else's.

This reflects the loneliness, mental health issues and lack of family support in the UK. I too would be disappointed if one of my DC wouldn’t make it under the same circumstances unless there was a good reason

I'd be disappointed too. I think she should make the effort for the family. If it was my daughter, I would probably offer to pay in case the cost is an issue (but that only makes sense if her financial situation is significantly tigher than yours). Has she said why?

On the other hand, I wouldn't turn it into a major issue.

That’s completely understandable though, Australia is literally the other side of the world and it’s not easy to arrange that kind of travel but most European countries can be done overnight or even the same day.

The OP works on social media so can presumably work from anywhere.

I didn’t go to my best friend’s husband’s funeral or either of my grandparents or Aunty’s funerals.

My dad died when I was a teenager and this shaped my view on funerals and attendance.

I don’t care about performance grieving for other people’s benefit. In my opinion, it’s more important to be there for the bereaved after all the hoo ha has died down and they’re left to pick up the pieces.