To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

I think you have a point there, certainly if you compare it with some other countries and funeral traditions. I cannot imagine for one minute any of the people I know who come from Ireland not coming to a relative's funeral unless they were in hospital or very infirm.

She lives in another country. It's also very close to a major holiday when flights are already booked and she'd be paying through the nose if she could even get a seat. She's already got flights to see her immediate family, her dad. She might have work things going on. Freelance doesn't mean never working, more the opposite.

I think you're being unreasonable expecting her to drop everything to go to this funeral. It also comes across that you don't like what she does for a living and her lifestyle.

You don't know what contact she has with her cousins so you aren't in a position to judge, yet you are.

And presumably she has contacted her cousins and Auntie to offer her condolences. Maybe even sent a card and flowers

Travelling from Europe for a funeral is a big thing

But it's also pretty clear you don't rate her life style choices (and are perhaps a little jealous) and don't approve of what she's doing anyway

It's lovely that you have no issues with finding £1000 to fly in from abroad at the most expensive time of the year and that you don't need to worry about work.

So do her cousins, presumably same generation as your DD, feel they need to see her? My nieces and nephews in their 20s connect through social media, WhatsApp calls, etc. They communicate more frequently and effectively with each other than I do with my lovely cousins.

I really do think you are looking at this through your very specific filters Op; your DD is quite possibly supporting her cousins remotely and they may be more comfortable than you.

Have they expressed disappointment?

Like I said I appreciate that she may not want to attend the actual funeral, but in our family at least we do support each other...

Bloody hell OP, this is a nasty comment. You are judging her by YOUR preferences, and going from 1-00 assuming she now doesn't support her family, all because she isn't doing what YOU want her to and because YOU have summarily decided she can afford it with all her "hell of a lot of money". (That you seem to know so much about her finances and she still isn't coming says the decision is not even about money anyway.)

You seem to think your way is the only way allowed. Newsflash: It isn't.
At what point will you accept that she is an adult with her own thoughts and choices about how she grieves for this person?

I really hope she doesn't see your post and learn what you really think about her.

They won’t know about it.

How do you implement ‘mandatory’ though with an adult? You can’t mandate adults

I didn’t go to my aunt’s funeral although I was very close to her throughout my teens and beyond. Logistically it was just too much expense and organisation, and I was in the same country (but another part).

Personally feel you're being a bit harsh here OP. Sounds like things have been quite quick from the death to the funeral which means this has all been quite last minute? Regardless of money etc it's a lot of disruption to suddenly be rushing for flights, packing etc, and what about her clients? She runs a business and while I imagine while she has some control she may have deadlines coming up.

It feels like you're determined to see her as selfish so maybe pointless but yeah I think a last minute flight for a funeral in mid December is quite an ask

Also I saw some relatives more as a kid but I don't really know them these days as an adult. Perhaps she feels awkward at going to a funeral where her memories of him might be a bit spotty and she wasn't close to him in recent years?

Her non attendance at the funeral wouldn’t bother me but I’d like to think that she’s at least managed to send an appropriate card.

Your dd is an adult , she can make her own decisions about attending funerals etc.

my friend didn’t fly home from America for her grandmas funeral, she remembered her in her own way as flights are ridiculously expensive.

i didn’t go to my uncles funeral ( he was a bit of a dick in real life) I was the only niece not to attend, my choice, my decision.

I agree completely @PluckyChancer .
I'd lost both of my parents by the time I was 20.
Plenty relatives around for both funerals.
Not a relative to be seen once that was over and I was at home with 2 younger siblings who were still at school.
Next funeral I attend will be my own.

One of the few positives to come out of Covid is that funerals can now routinely be streamed. I’ve been to six funerals in the past year. All were streamed and watched by people, including very close relatives, in Europe , Australia and other parts of the UK. My friend in Scotland really felt it too far to go to a funeral in the south coast and no one thought badly of my son who lives abroad not attending his grandmother’s funeral.

I think this is the point where you, as her mum, has different expectations about life and family, to her.
It's hard to deal with, but you either accept it, or make it an issue.
She's living her life, making money, making her own decisions - one of which is not to attend the funeral of a family member.
Your post does sound a little bit about how you will be perceived if she isn't there, but really it's nothing to do with anyone else.
Don't let this be the hill you choose to die on, as it may make your daughter less inclined to fly home to visit in the future.

She still might not be in a position to just drop everything and fly home for several days though, it's a big ask, especially so close to Christmas.

You dont see the irony in your miserable judgemental post do you 🤣

Ah, but this is MN, where everyone can just drop their lives for several days and sod the consequences. We all have hundreds of pounds sitting in an "emergency funeral fund" to pay for flights, to cover lost earnings and to pay for things like childcare or pet care as well, apparently!

I wouldn't expect my dd's to come to any funeral unless they felt a compelling reason to do so.

We have had several recently but if they are away or busy at uni or unable to attend, that's fine. All the other rellies were relaxed about it too. Attendance does not equal level of bereavement. We all grieve differently.

Again, not what I said, you just want a reason to call me selfish because I don't have hundreds of pounds to drop on attending a last-minute funeral 😂

That's not what I said, is it?

Most people can't afford to drop £500 without warning to attend a funeral. I would lose several days pay (self-employed), have to pay for flights and also find money for last-minute animal care on top. That's a lot to ask of someone.

I know MN is quick to yell "selfish" at anyone who doesn't behave the way they do, but maybe you need to check your privilege if you think everyone can do that with only a few days notice.

There are threads on here from people who can't even pay for fuel or food, let alone find hundreds of pounds to attend a funeral overseas.

In the real world people can take time off work for funerals … you’re the one with the extreme, dire circumstances that wouldn’t allow a day off because you’d risk being homeless.

If taking out a few days to attend a funeral results in a repossession of your home then you best look into a different career because one can have other unexpected life events.

I agree - attending family funerals (unless completely impossible) is expected. We’re becoming an increasingly disconnected society; prioritising our own feelings over a sense of responsibility and care for our loved ones isn’t actually good for us, individually or collectively. People seem to increasingly think funerals are only for the grieving of the attendee, or for closure, but they have always been a way of showing respect - to the deceased and to the immediate family of the deceased. I would be very disappointed in my children if they did not attend a funeral for a family member, even one who they have somewhat lost contact with since childhood. As a young adult, I went to funerals for great aunts and uncles that I only usually saw once a year and it did me no harm at all, in fact it was good - these are the times families come together and reconnect. They build a sense of continuity between the generations and there is plenty of research that shows that people in societies that have stronger kinship ties are happier.

😂

Meanwhile, back in the real world...