To expect DD to attend my BILs funeral

Thank you for writing this so eloquently, I was trying to write the same and failing miserably.
I personally find no comfort in a funeral and I have no desire to be bullied into attending one just because for some it's the expected norm. Everyone grieves and processes death differently. As @snoken said, a funeral is a comfort for some and traumatising for others. Perhaps your DD falls into the latter category but is unable to articulate this due to your own expectations & visible disappointment in her decision.

I’d be hurt in this situation OP but I know that others wouldn’t- it’s different values and priorities not to mention situations.

I couldn’t attend my uncles funeral because I lived abroad during the pandemic. I watched online but I felt terrible not being there. However more recently a second cousin who lived in NYC died and it was great to be able attend online because I couldn’t justify the cost of flying there at 24 hours notice (Jewish funeral).

The 'child' in question is 25, she cannot be 'raised' any further. She is an adult who makes her own decisions. She cannot be forced to attend the funeral and she cannot be forced to visit her parents.

Sounds like you want to clip her wings.

You have launched a successful and confident young woman into the world, be happy for her and don’t guilt trip her. She doesn’t want to come, that should be enough.

Yes but how would you mandate attendance?

I 100% could not tell you who was at my Nan's funeral and whether anyone "expected" was there or not. In fact I'm 99% sure if I think back that at least one family member was probably missing

We don't hold it against them because that's petty and rude and a bit gross tbh

It’s impossible to raise children who are perfect. Everything is a compromise in parenting. If you go too far one way, you make something else an issue.

Has anyone heard of the Milgram obedience study? Up to 65% of people would administer what they thought was a near- or actually fatal shock to a stranger if they were told to by an authority figure. If you, like me, want to raise children in the 35%, you have to teach them to disobey. And one of the people they need to disobey is you. When they believe it to be correct to do so. Believing in their own, personal priorities, rather than yours, matters. If you don’t want your children to be the 65%.

If that means the cheap nursing home so I can raise a child who questions authority, I will put up with it.

It’s not the OP’s funeral, not the Mum, Dad or sibling of this young woman. There isn’t actually an obligation or need to be there for her siblings. They have OP there. The cousins will have other people.

And funerals vary a lot culturally. My Irish relations wouldn’t miss one if they were on fire. But my English relations, would completely understand a 25 year old woman who lives in another country missing her uncle’s funeral.

I’d feel the same as you op. Of course she should go.

Maintaining family relationships is a two way street. If you’re not going to attend key life changing events like funerals then what do you consider a priority? The person you’ve quoted is right, some of you are raising selfish and vacuous children who are devoid of family values. Then you will be back here on mumsnet in your 60s or 70s complaining how DC doesn’t visit or won’t facilitate grandchildren to see you etc and wonder why.

Wow I’m pretty surprised by the posts on here. I’d say attendance at family funerals is mandatory!

You don’t get to make anything ‘mandatory’ for other adults.

My sister didn’t come to my uncle’s and we were all fuming with her.

That, to me, just sounds like a bitter, unpleasant, rather bullying response to the perfectly reasonable and normal circumstance of one grown woman being unable to come to the funeral of an extended family member.

I mean if this is the way y’all are raising your kids, get ready to be chucked into the cheapest nursing home at the first opportunity

I think the sort of parents who get ‘chucked into the cheapest nursing home’ by their children are more likely to be the domineering, suffocating ones who think they can tell their adult children that an extended family event is ‘mandatory’ and start family feuds over non-attendance.

Funeral attendance should be left to the individual. The idea that someone should be mandated to attend potentially against their wishes is bonkers.

I haven’t been to most of our family funerals. I did go to my father’s funeral but not to any GP ones. On the flip side I have been to some funerals of friends parents.

I really don’t see what the drama is. If someone wants to attend they can, if they don’t want to then equally that’s fine too.

Some of the comments on here sound very controlling and unpleasant.

Perfectly fine for her to choose what she does.
In fact I thought initially she was 16.
YABVU.

“In our family we…” is a script and it’s specifically YOUR script. She is 25 and is writing her own script with her values, her responsibilities, her priorities. You don’t get to tell her what those are. It is an adjustment but deciding she’s selfish and unpleasant because she does things differently to you is a mistake.

Enjoy getting to know the person she is growing into. Rather than mourning the child she was or you wanted her to be.

To add, what we did spend thousands on instead was going and visiting when he got his terminal diagnosis, making sure my husband could be there when his dad passed and spending an extended time abroad supporting his widowed mother in the New Year.

Privileged to be able to make those choices, for many people it just wouldn't be financially possible.

Apart from my husband and my brother I honestly couldn't tell you who was at my parents funerals, I was so distraught. I just wanted everyone to go away and leave me be. Hate funerals, just ramp up the devastation. Won't be having one myself.

Her life = her choice. She's a grown up remember. She may have other commitments you aren't aware of and some people aren't into funerals. My mum often tries to stick her oar into my business and it's safe to say l don't appreciate it, you daughter most likely feels the same

I think that we all assume when somebody leaves the family home they are an “adult” and can make their own decisions. In fact I’m sure there are plenty of us who thought we were very much grown up at 25 and knew best. Only later in life did we regret our decisions and wish we had listened to our parents and their wishes (within reason).

Your daughter may have valid reasons for not attending. But this is a close family member and it comes across like she thinks she’s too important to attend… surely an uncle who everyone loves so dearly deserves some type of recognition.

It's quite sad actually to read this.

In my experience, early and mid twenties are necessarily quite a selfish time of life, when you are seeing yourself up as an adult, and dietaries yourself from your parents. Also, you don't understand death and loss. I would accept this, and recognise that as she will likely come back to family, and also recognise how important funerals are.

I didn't go to my FILs funeral recently. Theoretically just a short flight away but flight timings, airport parking, lost work, pets, car hire etc. would have ended up being in the thousands.

So how do you know she is not supporting the cousins that she talks to daily outside of the family group chat?

YABU

You’re judging her through your own personal lens of what you do and what you feel she should do.

She’s an adult and frankly, it is none of your business what her choice is and why.

Why not spend your own energy focusing on the bereaved family and how to be there and help them than your adult child not doing what you want?

Surely they matter more than you dwelling and looking for people to tell you you’re right and your ADULT daughter’s personal choices that have nothing to do with you, is wrong.

The reality is that for most on here making excuses for your daughter’s selfish position, they don’t prioritise anybody past themselves.

One could also argue that it’s selfish to expect others to do something just because you have specific expectations of how they should behave.

”I wouldn’t do that” =/= “people who do / don’t do that are selfish”

A last minute flight in December is going to be expensive. There is a horrible flu going around and airports are going to be a great place to get sick. It’s an incredibly busy time of year for many people.

a funeral abroad for an uncle is a very big commitment. Just because she isn’t traveling doesn’t mean she isn’t grieving.

Unfortunately it happens , my dad died, all of the other grandchildren travelled many miles to be at the funeral, my niece, whose dad also happens to be a vicar, allowed her parents to make an excuse that they didn't have a dog sitter! So an extremely flimsy reason not to attend your granddad's funeral but we just had to accept it and move on.

I wouldn’t expect my kids (early 20s/late teens) to attend any funeral if they were geographically a long way away and it was going to cost £££. I’d definitely ask them to send a card/text but I don’t think it’s up to me to spend their money.

Of course if they wanted to attend and money was the only thing stopping them then I’d cover the cost.

Op the amount of people on here going to great lengths to justify your daughter’s selfish position are just projecting.

It’s fine if you don’t value family, connections or able to take time out for your loved ones but please stop pretending it’s logistics, work or money. Most funerals don’t take place in days not in western culture anyway, there’s sufficient notice to make financial and work arrangements.

Op has already clarified she lived in Europe, flights don’t cost that much (it’s not Australia which seems to be the one touted on here a lot) flights aren’t that long. OP’s daughter isn’t going to have her home taken by the bank like @vanillalattes if she takes a day or two off to attend.

The reality is that for most on here making excuses for your daughter’s selfish position, they don’t prioritise anybody past themselves. They don’t deem most family valuable or important and I’d have a lot of respect for them if they just admitted that rather than write long winded paragraphs to convince the rest that it’s ok to miss funerals of family.