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Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
FOJN · 13/12/2025 22:40

I would relieve her of any savings she has to pay for the damage. Leave her with enough for a flat deposit and show her the door. If she doesn't have enough money to pay for the damage set up a payment plan and tell her to leave anyway. Calculate the cost of the damage and tell her how many hours you had to work to pay for the things her drunk friends broke. This isn't acceptable at any age but she should have grown out of the reckless, disrespectful and irresponsible behaviour by 26.

She said she's really sorry? I'd have been shitting myself and probably left the country in fear if I'd done that to my parents house.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 13/12/2025 22:40

saraclara · 13/12/2025 22:37

If she's a self-employed consultant she might well be doing very nicely, financially.

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I mean, nowadays doing “very nicely” is still pretty far away from being able to afford a house. But anyway, i guess that’s all irrelevant as she’s been a total twat to her parents regardless and that defo needs addressing

bonquiqui · 13/12/2025 22:40

saraclara · 13/12/2025 22:37

If she's a self-employed consultant she might well be doing very nicely, financially.

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At 26 she’s hardly likely to be a high flying, font of knowledge consultant on a specific area. Especially since she acts like a teenager and surrounds herself with immature yobbish friends. To be that successful at that age you need to be extremely diligent and professional and hard working, not a spoilt brat that regularly trashes her parent’s home and rolls her eyes like it’s nothing

LoserWinner · 13/12/2025 22:40

I know this will probably offend, but someone needs to say it. She’s 26. You have been allowing her to mistreat your house for years, and sustained damage from her drunken brawls in the past. I think this is your fault for failing to establish commonsense boundaries for behaviour, and it should not have come as a surprise or shock to discover that once again, she and her friends have trashed your house. Your real problem as I see it is how to move forwards. Ideally, she moves out and then this kind of thing becomes her problem, not yours. Failing that, you ought to do the parenting job you should have done years ago, and teach her to treat your home with respect. In fact, I suspect you’ll end up paying for the damage and doing much of the clearing up yourself, and this will go on happening.

Schoolchoicesucks · 13/12/2025 22:40

Flexible consultant in what line of work?

Have you been cleaning and clearing up today or has she been doing this?
She needs to pay for a professional clean and work out what can be repaired and she needs to be the one organising the repairs.
It should go without saying that she doesn't have friends over again.
Is she sorry?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 13/12/2025 22:38

She is a fully grown adult and needs to pay for and organise replacing all of the damaged items asap.

GoingToEgypt · 13/12/2025 22:37

This is crazy, I don’t think that’s acceptable and I’d like to think most young people are more responsible. My DDs had a party recently - 21 and 23. When we came back the next morning, everyone had just gone to bed, but everything was tidied up, bottles in recycling, lots of neatly tied up bin bags and no damage. You deserve the same. Hope your DD gets the house at least vaguely liveable for you soon.

saraclara · 13/12/2025 22:37

whatcanthematterbe81 · 13/12/2025 22:32

Perhaps the ridiculous cost of buying a house nowadays. The woman has been unreasonable AF but her living at home doesn’t have to be due to mitigating circumstances

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If she's a self-employed consultant she might well be doing very nicely, financially.

Hettiejane · 13/12/2025 22:37

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

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You've created this situation from your poor parenting and allowing her behavior to continue this way, are you really surprised?
Hopefully this will be a turning point for both of you to grow up

TrickyD · 13/12/2025 22:37

If she did not know all her ‘guests’, it might be worth reporting it to the police as it could count as criminal damage.
This might make it easier to claim on insurance.

Parker231 · 13/12/2025 22:36

From the OP’s responses it doesn’t sound like she is making her DD clean up or organise putting things right.

Sassylovesbooks · 13/12/2025 22:36

I saw your update OP, saying that your daughter has behaved in a similar manner several times before, although not on this scale. Your daughter should be utterly ashamed of herself. She has no respect for you as her parent or the home that she lives in. At 26, she is beyond immature, and irresponsible. She's coming across as a spoilt little madam, who needs a damn good kick up the metaphoric arse. You need to lay the law down, she pays for all the damage, every...single...penny. No friends over until the damage is paid for, and only when you're home. In all honesty she needs to move out, once the damage has been paid for. Make her stand on her own two feet.

user1473878824 · 13/12/2025 22:36

TWENTY SIX!!!!!!! Sorry this is insane. I could understand it getting out of control if she was 16, but 26… She’s going to be paying this off for a long time. I’d be absolutely disgusted and devastated if I were you OP which I know isn’t helpful, sorry. An extraordinary, vile thing to do to your home when she’s far, far old enough to know better.

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 13/12/2025 22:36

Sounds to me like it’s time she starts looking for somewhere of her own to rent .

Brendahollowayjustlookwhatyouhavedone · 13/12/2025 22:36

BMW6 · 13/12/2025 22:33

Consultant for what? How to be a useless human being?

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Could the job be a non job iykwim?
Sounds rather vague .

NooNooHead · 13/12/2025 22:34

Daftypants · 13/12/2025 22:21

I would be apoplectic with rage 😤
She needs to start NOW with some of the cleaning up , getting rid of rubbish .
You need to take photos of all the damage done and she needs to make amends by organising and paying for in full all the repairs and replacements .
She needs to buy you new sets of bedlinen , new sofa ( or was it the cushions ? ) and so on .
She then needs to find her own place to live .
FWIW my oldest was home alone for a few days aged about 19 ( neighbours knew as did a close friend ) and had different friends over to stay .
When we got home the contents of the larder and fridge freezer were diminished, quite a bit of wine and beer was gone and the kitchen was a little bit sticky like when someone has used far too much cleaning spray .
And she isn’t little Miss Perfect , they enjoyed themselves

Edited

Apoplectic... such a brilliant, underused word! And so appropriate for this situation! 😅🙃

A 26 year old destroying a lovely home is just the pits. She needs a bloody hard lesson in the consequences of her actions, and that includes moving out, paying for all the repairs, and being an actual adult.

Hettiejane · 13/12/2025 22:34

Wow she's 26?!?
That's really embarrassing for you as a parent that she has behaved this way.
Yes she should 100% pay for the damages.
At 26 I worked full time and had my own apartment.
Id probably make her clean up then ask her to stay with a friend for a few nights. She doesn't respect you or your home and shouldn't get the luxury of continuing to live there. I can't imagine even as a teenager allowing anyone to disrespect my parents home the way she has

BMW6 · 13/12/2025 22:33

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:32

She works as an independent consultant, flexible hours and she's her own boss. That's what she's told me anyway but she works from home full time

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Consultant for what? How to be a useless human being?

therearesigns · 13/12/2025 22:33

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:32

She works as an independent consultant, flexible hours and she's her own boss. That's what she's told me anyway but she works from home full time

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And does she earn a normal kind of living? What's her income? If she's at home because she's not earning enough through this independent lark, she may have to get a real job to service the loan she'll need to pay you back.

Fauchon · 13/12/2025 22:33

26 and takes very little responsibility for herself!!!!! This is not normal at all. I have DC significantly younger and they would never disrespect me or our house like that. What have you created?

KaleidoscopeSmile · 13/12/2025 22:33

"Movies under the stars"?

I've just changed my vote

Delphiniumandlupins · 13/12/2025 22:33

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

Show quote history

Have you taught her that is the right way to treat a hotel?

Horrorscope · 13/12/2025 22:32

Awwwww, OP. This is so sad for you.

She needs a short, sharp shock (in the form of cleaning up the mess and paying for the damage).

whatcanthematterbe81 · 13/12/2025 22:32

TokyoSushi · 13/12/2025 21:45

Oh my. She absolutely needs to pay for all the damage.

Is there a mitigating reason that she still lives with you at 26? Otherwise she could do with finding her own place in the New Year.

Perhaps the ridiculous cost of buying a house nowadays. The woman has been unreasonable AF but her living at home doesn’t have to be due to mitigating circumstances

CautiousLurker2 · 13/12/2025 22:32

Murfmeister · 13/12/2025 22:16

Why are you being so passive about this?

I understand you must be devastated at the state of your home, but for goodness sake woman, find some bloody rage!!!

That would be my question too. I’d be cataloguing the damage and serving both an eviction notice and legal notice that she has to repay me every penny for what she has done or I will be informing the police and pressing charges for criminal damage.

Time to get tough.

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