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Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
autumnskyes · 13/12/2025 22:47

Wow, I would be wild to have that happen, esp from a bunch of adults!
We had a party for my sons 18th birthday year old last year, about 30 late teen/early 20's kids here, and the only 'damage' was one boy puking on the lawn. There is no excuse for trashing someone's house.

I would tell the daughter that if she want's to have friend's over she needs to get her own place to invite them to.

StabbyCat · 13/12/2025 22:47

She’s a spoiled bitch and you enable her.

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 13/12/2025 22:47

Horrorscope · 13/12/2025 22:32

Awwwww, OP. This is so sad for you.

She needs a short, sharp shock (in the form of cleaning up the mess and paying for the damage).

How can you term a fully grown adult being expected to clean up after themselves and pay for damage they and their friends have caused as a ‘short, sharp shock?’

I was actually thinking this whole scenario seemed unlikely, but if people have the view that it would be a ‘shock’ for a 26 year old woman to be expected to behave like a normal human being, then maybe I’m wrong.

WanderlustMom · 13/12/2025 22:47

I’m 26 years old and I can’t even fathom that somebody my age would act in this way. Absolutely vile, I hope she’s made to pay every single penny.

FOJN · 13/12/2025 22:47

Is anyone else thinking the consulting job is OF?

MyLittleNest · 13/12/2025 22:47

26 is far too old for DD or her friends to trash anyone's home. This is the selfish, rude, and unrestrained behavior of a teenager, and even then it's not appropriate. I'd be tempted to report all of her friends who caused this damage to the police.

Her friends disrespect your home in general from what you say about the glasses, treating it like a hotel. Her peer group is not helping her, and I would absolutely expect her to pay for the damages they caused and never, ever allow her to have anyone over again, whether you are home or not.

Honestly, I'd possibly kick her out given her age. You are not helping her by letting her continue to live like a child in your home at the age of 26. Her behavior is truly inexcusable at any age but especially at that age.

Frequency · 13/12/2025 22:46

Are her friends the same age?

I'm struggling to imagine being able to find 20 people aged 23+ who would behave like this.

Drugs were 100% involved. There is no way a bunch of adults, some of whom must have children, would act like this after alcohol alone.

hakunamatata20 · 13/12/2025 22:46

26!!!!! What a joke. She's a joke! Needs to get an absolute grip of herself. I'd have got over it if it was a teenager who had been stupid and made a mistake but she's a fully grown adult. The lack of respect towards you and your home is disgusting and if that's her attitude I would tell her she needs to move out and live in the real world! As well as paying for all your repairs. There are no excuses for her behaviour and how irresponsible and childish she is. She seems very entitled and is living a life with no accountability and they definitely are not her real friends!

starballoons · 13/12/2025 22:46

Does she pay you rent? Just out of interest really as she seems like she has absolutely no responsibilities and is completely feckless.
Id be telling her in no uncertain terms that she needs to pay for all the damage, whether that is by getting her friends to contribute or whatever but the whole debt is with her to resolve. Once her debt is paid she needs to make an effort to move out, if she doesn’t repay the debt then the move out date will be brought forwards. She blatantly has no respect for you or she would be on her knees scrubbing and have already offered repayment

blackpooolrock · 13/12/2025 22:45

If she was mine she would be out on her ear there and then. Bag packed and off you pop, No ifs or buts…

obviously it would all need paid for as well.

Norwegianwood35 · 13/12/2025 22:45

So is your daughter going to be paying for the damage to your home, and has she made any effort to clean up?

CagneyNYPD1 · 13/12/2025 22:44

Just read your updates @MyFairGreenTurtle

Your daughter is bullshitting you.

PfizerFan · 13/12/2025 22:44

She's her own boss? Lol

Ok, well bossgirl can pay for the damage and then move out.

HisNotHes · 13/12/2025 22:43

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

Show quote history

“This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends”

This is where you’ve gone wrong. You should have insisted she (and friends) cleaned up the mess and then she would have learned, instead you’ve effectively taught her there are no consequences to making a mess.

TreesinthePark · 13/12/2025 22:43

CallMeDaphne · 13/12/2025 22:14

Why do you have a telly in your garden?

Because they have a telly in their garden.

Frozensun · 13/12/2025 22:43

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:24

Because I want her to have a good social life. And tbh I've realised that I have been viewing her as having youthful stupidity (which is my bad).

This has reminded me of an incident when she was 21. She had the same group of friends round one summer evening and despite being asked to stay off the lawn because it had just been re-seeded, they dragged garden furniture across it, spilled loads of vodka on it and did a "slip and slide" for fun. The lawn was completely churned up and we had to re-seed the whole thing. At the time she apologised, offered to help re-seed it but in reality it was left for us to deal with.

Now I'm realising how stupid I've been just enabling her

Show quote history

Well, you’d be a mug then. You appear to have been enabling her all the way through. No consequences for anything, so why would she change? You post to ask for a handhold - forget that and just stand over her as she starts cleaning up. Actions have consequences, put them in place. This should have happened in her teens. Why on earth do you accept such behaviour from an adult. Time to grow up, but given the history you’re disclosing I’m not sure that anything is going to change.

peachie82 · 13/12/2025 22:43

This is disgraceful from her and at her age too. I have a 15 year old daughter and she tells me some tales from house parties she goes to but nothing to this extent. I would be appalled ant the disrespect she’s shown to your home and she needs to pay for the damage.

therearesigns · 13/12/2025 22:43

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:42

It's quite hard to pin down her roles and responsibilities. It seems to involve advising on projects on an ad hoc basis but there's no set role or ongoing responsibilities

Show quote history

And no set or ongoing income either? Come on OP, she needs to get her act together. At her age I was married and raising three kids.

SpinningaCompass · 13/12/2025 22:43

Sounds like she has a long history of treating your home (and you by default) like shit and you've let it slide continually. So of course she trashed your house again and she's unlikely to think it's her problem to solve.

You need to make her see otherwise now and tell her how much it's going to cost to fix the damage she and her friends have caused and set up a payment plan.

She could have called the police if the party got out of hand; she didn't. She didn't give a shit. Wake up. Your daughter is an asshole.

CagneyNYPD1 · 13/12/2025 22:43

She is 26 and has zero respect for you or your home. Time for Tough Love.

Kindly, you have contributed to this by being too soft on her in the past. After the lawn incident, there could have been robust discussions. You chose not to have these. Why?

In terms of next steps, I would do the following:

Take photos of all the damage and mess.

Use the photos to create a list of what needs to be cleaned, repaired or replaced. Everything.

Print off the list and sit her down. Present her with the list.

Tell her she has 24 hours to go through the list and work out how she will move forward with the cleaning, repairs and replacements. Make it very clear that all of it is her responsibility.

Give her 24 hours to work on her plan. Then she has to come back to you with her proposal.

She then gets shit sorted.

Once everything has been sorted, review her living in your home.

If she refuses to accept responsibility, tell her she needs to move out by X date. Mean it and stick to it.

TheatricalLife · 13/12/2025 22:42

saraclara · 13/12/2025 22:37

If she's a self-employed consultant she might well be doing very nicely, financially.

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Or I think it's more likely she has been feeding the OP a lot of bullshit, and the "consultant" job doesn't exist. The OP hasn't responded about if she pays rent or bills, but I'm predicting from the answers so far, it's a big fat no.

Original poster
MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:42

bonquiqui · 13/12/2025 22:40

At 26 she’s hardly likely to be a high flying, font of knowledge consultant on a specific area. Especially since she acts like a teenager and surrounds herself with immature yobbish friends. To be that successful at that age you need to be extremely diligent and professional and hard working, not a spoilt brat that regularly trashes her parent’s home and rolls her eyes like it’s nothing

Show quote history

It's quite hard to pin down her roles and responsibilities. It seems to involve advising on projects on an ad hoc basis but there's no set role or ongoing responsibilities

OP posts:
CarrierbagsAndPJs · 13/12/2025 22:42

Get an accurate list of all the damage and bill her. She needs to grow up.

Matildahoney · 13/12/2025 22:41

At 26 I was married and running my own home, lots of women are mothers at that age.
It's disgraceful behaviour and you have enabled her, she sounds spoilt and entitled! I had too much respect for my parents (and we were poor) to even consider doing anything like that to their home, I respected their rules my entire teenage/early 20s life.
Make her and the friend who invited everyone clear up and pay for all damages.

Bumcake · 13/12/2025 22:41

Are you seriously asking if it’s okay that your adult daughter has trashed your house? I know you’re used to it by the sounds of things, but come on.