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Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:54

randomchap · 13/12/2025 22:53

And rent? Does she pay for anything?

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She does contribute a small amount towards bills and groceries, but nowhere near a proper rent (and that's a mutual agreement between me and DW)

OP posts:
ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 13/12/2025 22:54

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:49

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

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🤣🤣🤣🤣

You’re having us on, I think.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 13/12/2025 22:54

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:49

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

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Does she pay you for use of your wifi, electricity etc for her business?

Didimum · 13/12/2025 22:54

Fucking hell. At 26 I owned my own home and was completely responsible for myself. Parties were well managed and everything and everyone was completely respected. I can’t imagine a 26 year being this utterly immature.

OP. I think you’ve indulged and excused her childish behaviour for way way too long. Of course she drinks and may likely do drugs. Open your eyes.

randomchap · 13/12/2025 22:53

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:52

She has a degree in Business Management

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And rent? Does she pay for anything?

TheatricalLife · 13/12/2025 22:53

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:49

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

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Oh OP 😬😩

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 13/12/2025 22:53

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:42

It's quite hard to pin down her roles and responsibilities. It seems to involve advising on projects on an ad hoc basis but there's no set role or ongoing responsibilities

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You need to look into this, as it sounds wildly unlikely that anyone is going to rely on an immature 26 year old for advice on any project. Check out whether her business has a name, is it registered, how does she advertise, does she have a bookkeeper/accountant, is she paying NI and tax, does the business exist at all?

Original poster
MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:52

randomchap · 13/12/2025 22:52

Hmm

That seems unlikely

What qualifications does she have?

Does she pay rent? Pay her own way at all?

Show quote history

She has a degree in Business Management

OP posts:
FOJN · 13/12/2025 22:52

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:49

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

Show quote history

In your shoes I'd honestly be less embarrassed about her being an OF model than I would about what she has done to your house.

LoyalMember · 13/12/2025 22:52

canuckup · 13/12/2025 21:54

Does she live with you??

Didn't you read the original post? That's the whole crux of the matter. She was left alone by her parents, and asked if she could have a party while they were away.

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 13/12/2025 22:52

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry OP, that is just awful and must feel like such a disrespectful betrayal. From 16 my parents would leave me at home for 6 weeks every summer to cat sit while they went away and I would never have DREAMED of doing any close to this. I was up at 5am every day anyway off to my summer job. The worst I did was leave a window open and the carpet got a bit wet.
Perhaps because she’s been a bit wild for a while you’ve become used to it but I’m afraid a) don’t believe for a moment that she’s not drinking and also possibly doing drugs (certainly her friends are) and b) not only MUST she pay for the damage, but she must also organise it too. I’d be on the fence about allowing her to remain in your home tbh. A hard dose of the responsibilities of adulthood sounds well overdue.

therearesigns · 13/12/2025 22:52

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:49

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

Show quote history

Have you seen evidence of any income from this 'job'? Does she have any actual qualifications?

randomchap · 13/12/2025 22:52

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:49

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

Show quote history

Hmm

That seems unlikely

What qualifications does she have?

Does she pay rent? Pay her own way at all?

Original poster
MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:52

4forksache · 13/12/2025 22:51

What is her attitude about it now? How much has she helped clear up? What have you said to her about financing it all?

she did cry and looked genuinely sorry when she was apologising to me. She hoovered around and said she'll help get a quote for the worktop

OP posts:
bonquiqui · 13/12/2025 22:51

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:42

It's quite hard to pin down her roles and responsibilities. It seems to involve advising on projects on an ad hoc basis but there's no set role or ongoing responsibilities

Show quote history

I’m afraid this a very Gen Z way of saying effectively unemployed. If she was doing well, she would have moved out years ago. Not saying she should be able to buy a house, but if “consulting” is so sustainable, she’d at least be able to afford a crappy house share suitable for wild parties like most of us did in our 20s

CookiesCoffeeBaileys123 · 13/12/2025 22:51

That's completely unacceptable. She's 26 FFS, not a teenager.

You need to kick her out. Someone this disrespectful and irresponsible needs a hard lesson.

You are actually doing her a diservice by being this tolerant.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 13/12/2025 22:51

She needs to move out and let her friends trash her own house in future.

4forksache · 13/12/2025 22:51

What is her attitude about it now? How much has she helped clear up? What have you said to her about financing it all?

VivienneDelacroix · 13/12/2025 22:50

My 16 year old had a party recently. I had to pick up a plate from the living room floor and hoover up when I got home, that's all. They'd even put all of the food leftovers etc away.

MyNeedyLilacBird · 13/12/2025 22:50

She needs to be made to pay for all of this and you need to be firm and make sure she does. It's probably time to ask her tp move out- she's behaving ridiculously for a 26 year old and has a lack of respect. You probably also need to address how you have enabled her behaviour and put a stop to that as well. I appreciate it's easy with hindsight to look back and realise that you should have never allowed this but she needs to be made to face the consequences

Original poster
MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:49

FOJN · 13/12/2025 22:47

Is anyone else thinking the consulting job is OF?

Oh no, absolutely not!!! She does actual freelance consultancy work, nothing like that! It's very flexible, and I think she also works for a lot of international clients hence why she sometimes logs on during the night. It's just very flexible and ad hoc, and not a conventional 9-5!!!

OP posts:
therearesigns · 13/12/2025 22:49

The first time one of mine brought a friend home who was drunk, the friend puked on the carpet with some bright coloured substance. It cost a bit to get it out and my DD was devastated by something of hers she thought was ruined. I managed to save it for her and helped her clean it up because she was distraught, but I did make her be the main cleaner. I also talked to her about respect for our home and respect for herself, and not allowing her friends to treat her the way this friend had treated her by not apologising and leaving her with the mess to clean up. I also banned her from bringing back drunk friends to stay the night. It never happened again.

GanninHyem · 13/12/2025 22:48

If I pulled that shit at 26 I would have been having my bags packed tbh.

Randomlygeneratedname · 13/12/2025 22:48

26?!?! I remember hearing about parties like this when I was 15, and was always relieved when I didn't go as the damage was insane and I know I would have felt immense guilt having any involvement (even just attending).

Animatic · 13/12/2025 22:47

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

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Her friends and guests treat the house the way she treats it.