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Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 14/12/2025 00:31

She is 26, she can move out or go to a pub to socialise, she does not need to have friends over and after this she shouldn't want them over.

Definitely make her pay the damage too, that is her responsibility and the least she can do.

Soonenough · 14/12/2025 00:24

@supersop60 Because it sounds like a wild party ? And I know that technically it's wrong hence the word shamefully.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/12/2025 00:23

wow. She sounds very entitled. She needs to pay for it all and then time for her to find her own place and she can trash it as much as she /her friends want to

im amazed that after her last party where she ruined the grass that you allowed another

leg alone having friends over anyway and not tidying up

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 14/12/2025 00:21

Ok well say it’s 5k
If you think there’s no way of getting it out of her savings pot - the one she sure has through her ‘high flying ( bullshit ) job
then that’s the little best egg you had saved for any future house buying/wedding etc

so let her know she’s had it in advance - hope party was worth it
now good luck in your new home- room in shared house/bedsit/flatshare where you will be living within the next month

Cheerio and see you every other Sunday for tea

Bloody madam, Christ on a bike 26 - I despair

Paperwhite209 · 14/12/2025 00:21

I would tell her that she needs to pay you back for any damage not covered by insurance including any excess on claims.

No more house guests

And from end of January start paying proper rent/housekeeping - maybe a third of all joint expenses not including mortgage if relevant.

If you can manage without that money I'd tuck it another account and when you have enough for a deposit and months rental up front tell her she has three months to find somewhere and move out.

I wouldn't expect this behaviour from someone in their late teens, let alone a grown woman heading into her late twenties.

MsPavlichenko · 14/12/2025 00:21

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

Show quote history

In what way is it treating it like a hotel? Damage like this in a hotel would ensue serious consequences. Possibly criminal charges.

I assumed your DD was a teenager, and that would have been a problem. She is an adult, not a young one. That’s a disaster.

NooNooHead · 14/12/2025 00:19

As others have said, get some gumption (another fabulous underused word!)

Be stern. Be strict. Be bloody horrible.

Never sit there and just accept the whole thing. I mean, you probably will be too soft, but look at how it's turned out so far...one day, you might come home to... no home..!

JustCabbaggeLooking · 14/12/2025 00:17

This reply has been deleted

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Hjsjshsn · 14/12/2025 00:17

Sorry you need to get her to pay for all of this. It’s so disrespectful to you OP. It might feel hard now enforcing it but you don’t want this happening when she’s in her 30s!!!!! Tough love needed I’m afraid!

autumnskyes · 14/12/2025 00:17

Soonenough · 13/12/2025 23:44

I haven't read through the whole thread but just wondering if anyone else is shamefully wishing they had gone to a party like this 😁

I went to a lot of parties in my younger days - late 90/s early 00's. As a teenager especially there were plenty of 'parents are away' parties, and sure stuff got spilt, people walked mud on carpet, noise control ordered us to shut down, etc. I can honestly say I never saw anyone just wreck stuff deliberately though.

Though I do remember one "parents are away" party which got so out of hand reporters turned up to the house. Some people who had stayed overnight let them in and gave an interview - the next day the parents, who were still away, saw a photo of a bunch of hungover teens in their lounge on the front page of the paper, so she got busted.

Shedeboodinia · 14/12/2025 00:17

AllyCart · 13/12/2025 23:58

OP, I think you need to apply a little more cynicism here.

I work all over the world in consulting and I can tell you that there's very little call for immature 26 year-olds, without real world experience, to work permanently from home for themselves, doing ad hoc hours as they please, advising 'international clients' on the back of having a degree in business. Just think about it...

We do have 26(ish)yo consultants in our business but they've either cut their teeth as grads in multi-national businesses, or on the ground with senior consultants having completed their master's. And they're definitely not working permanently from home at that stage - they're constantly on the go working crazy hours at our clients' sites around the world.

Show quote history

Sorry this is disgraceful. We used to have a lot of house parties in my teens as we lived in an area where there were lots of big houses with pools etc. At the end of the night my friends would clean up. Wash up. Mop the floors. Place left exactly as it was. And we were 14 to 17 years old.
When I was 26. All my friends had their own places, some with mortgages and starting families some with flat shares.
We still had parties and fun crazy nights dancing on tables and whatever but cleaned up afterwards and nothing got broken and smashed up.
You are enabling and infantalising her.

supersop60 · 14/12/2025 00:16

Soonenough · 13/12/2025 23:44

I haven't read through the whole thread but just wondering if anyone else is shamefully wishing they had gone to a party like this 😁

Er. No. It would be my absolute worst nightmare.
You should feel shame. What’s fun about any of it?

Hometimeithink · 14/12/2025 00:14

WingsTingle · 13/12/2025 23:50

Oh God, OP - I really didn’t need to read this tonight!! My son is meant to be having a ‘small gathering’ of friends over to celebrate his 18th next week and I am dreading it - I’m so worried that there will be costly damage done to the house 😩

My teenagers had parties and everything was fine. We stayed at the house and just appeared when necessary. It was fun and we all enjoyed the party.Booze allowed but thankfully drugs were not a problem.

Justcallmedaffodil · 14/12/2025 00:14

Well she’d be out of the house if she was my “D”d. You’ve clearly been far too lenient in the past and she doesn’t respect you or your home.

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/12/2025 00:12

Wonder if there is any legal recourse in this circumstance.. against either her or the guests.

CautiousLurker2 · 14/12/2025 00:12

AllyCart · 13/12/2025 23:58

OP, I think you need to apply a little more cynicism here.

I work all over the world in consulting and I can tell you that there's very little call for immature 26 year-olds, without real world experience, to work permanently from home for themselves, doing ad hoc hours as they please, advising 'international clients' on the back of having a degree in business. Just think about it...

We do have 26(ish)yo consultants in our business but they've either cut their teeth as grads in multi-national businesses, or on the ground with senior consultants having completed their master's. And they're definitely not working permanently from home at that stage - they're constantly on the go working crazy hours at our clients' sites around the world.

Show quote history

Agree with this. I’m afraid the OF suggestion seems very realistic. I think you need to wake up OP.

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/12/2025 00:12

That's many 1000£s of damage.
She's getting a quote for ONE of the things? (the worktop) .
That's insane.
She owes you like £10k probably. At least 5k, I would think. We have a hot tub. They are not cheap. Hopefully it's repairable.
She thinks it's ok to have st apologize and get one quote?
I hope she organises everything and pays for everything. But it doesn't sound like you're at that point.
I also think she should have to move out but maybe pay you first or she won't be able to pay you
I would be so utterly livid I wouldn't even be buying her milk or tea at this point, op.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 14/12/2025 00:09

pizza boxes, sticky floors , dirty bedsheets and glasses and sick?

So she had not cleared all that up and scrubbed and tidied before you got back so at least all that is noticeable is the physical damage but everything else spic and span?

Does she wipe her feet on your faces when she enters and leaves your hotel I wonder ?

Needaglowup · 14/12/2025 00:06

OP she’s 26 , your treating her like a teenager … she needs to grown up and you need to stop treating her like a kid , she’s done£1000s of pounds damage, it’s so disrespectful.. she’s needs to learn The consequences of things. … My God, it sounds like you’ve brought up a spoiled brat

euff · 14/12/2025 00:03

Never mind parties, I wouldn’t want any of those ‘friends’ visiting the house at all. Also agree that DD should be paying for all the damage. If she wants help to pay she should be going after the friends. I hope you took video or photo evidence of what you came home to.

Christmascaketime · 14/12/2025 00:00

Sorry doesn’t cut it. It’s unlikely she’ll be able to pay for all damage quickly but I’d cost it and get her repaying you monthly. I’d see if your insurance covers any of it.
I think this is time to say it’s time for her to move out and set a deadline for her to find a room in a flat share.

EmeraldDreams73 · 13/12/2025 23:59

This is outrageous. I would be raging, she would be paying for all the damage and sorting it out, and finding her own place at the same time. 26 is 10 years older than I'd have guessed if you hadn't mentioned her age, OP.

How dare she?! Sounds entitled and spoilt, and like some respect for you and your home is way overdue. This needs to be a serious and hard lesson for her, I'm astonished that you said ok to a party in the first place when she and her mates have form for causing damage.

AllyCart · 13/12/2025 23:58

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:52

She has a degree in Business Management

Show quote history

OP, I think you need to apply a little more cynicism here.

I work all over the world in consulting and I can tell you that there's very little call for immature 26 year-olds, without real world experience, to work permanently from home for themselves, doing ad hoc hours as they please, advising 'international clients' on the back of having a degree in business. Just think about it...

We do have 26(ish)yo consultants in our business but they've either cut their teeth as grads in multi-national businesses, or on the ground with senior consultants having completed their master's. And they're definitely not working permanently from home at that stage - they're constantly on the go working crazy hours at our clients' sites around the world.

GoldMerchant · 13/12/2025 23:57

OP, she couldn't even be bothered to clean up the sick. That's not just irresponsible or youthful hijinks; she just doesn't care.

I would be giving her a deadline of April to move out. She has a job and few expenses so she can save for a rental deposit in that time. My guess is that she will cry and you'll probably not hold her to this, but I really think you should or she will do this again.

estrogone · 13/12/2025 23:57

That, OP would be a sackable offence. Daughter or not.

If that were my child I would give them 60 days' notice to move out and I would STICK to it. Your daughter has ZERO respect for you or your home.

I would see if the insurance will cover it (doubtful but with a try if you have accidental damage cover). You will not get a cent back from your DD so your only alternative is to ensure it never happens again by forcing her to move out.