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Original poster

Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

834 replies

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:40

Posting in AIBU because I have no idea where else to post this. I think I'm just looking for a hand hold tbh.

My DD is 26, lives at home with us. She asked if she could have a few friends over while we were away for the night last night. She assured me it would be "chill" and that she'd clean up after.

We came back this morning and I genuinely felt sick, I'm shaking even typing this. it turned out to be a full-blown house party. Our neighbours have told us there were people coming and going until 3am, loud music, shouting in the garden.

The damage is what has killed me. There is a large burn mark on the living room carpet (which we got fitted in September) which I think has come from a cigarette. The kitchen worktop is has got a chunk missing out of it and DD has admitted that this was from someone opening a beer bottle on it. One of the dining room chairs is completely broken and there are red wine stains all over the sofa cushions. The bathroom door handle is hanging off and the patio door is completely off its hinges. The hot tub is completely ruined, and this is what has made me so angry. The cover was left off it overnight so it is now full of leaves and empty cans. The control panel is not working anymore and there's a crack in it. The TV we have in the garden is also smashed (apparently it got knocked over when someone fell into it) and someone has also spilled red wine on our bedsheets. There is sick in the hallway and in our room too.

DD says she's really sorry and that this was a result of one of her friends putting something about a house party in the group chat, but apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.

I feel utterly disrespected and I'm livid that she has behaved like this at the age of 26.

AIBU to ban her from having anyone over and insist she pays for all of the damae?

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 14/12/2025 07:33

Time for her to get a proper job, pay a decent share of household expenses, and pay back every bit of damage done!

And no more friends around, neither she nor they have respect for your home. If she doesn't like it then she can move out.

I think you've made a rod for your own back with this one.

YourOliveBalonz · 14/12/2025 07:29

I wouldn’t involve insurance at all, your DD should pay every penny. You also don’t need to worry about enabling her social life, I’m sorry but I would be more worried about a 26 year old still living like a teenager. I think perhaps it’s time for her to move out and grow up a bit!

Bunnycat101 · 14/12/2025 07:29

She’s behaved appallingly and really you’d be doing her a life lesson by making her move out. She should appreciate you and your home. I could get a bit of damage but this sounds feral and it also sounds like she didn’t even try to clean up properly which just makes it even worse.

I am also slightly suspicious of the job she claims she has if I’m honest. Remote jobs are obviously possible but she’s still pretty young to have branched off into freelance and doesn’t have the background to really have done that (people often do that once they’ve reached a very senior level).

superbakedpotato · 14/12/2025 07:29

She's 26, that's absolutely ridiculous behaviour. At 26 I was working full time, living in my own home, and planning my wedding. It wouldn't even have been on my radar to be throwing teenage style house parties, and if I had been living at my parents there's no way I'd have disrespected them and their home like that. Of course she should pay to fix the damage, that's appalling. Sorry you've had to come home to this OP.

LakieLady · 14/12/2025 07:29

Shedeboodinia · 13/12/2025 23:51

I went to a house party at a friends that ended up like this when I was 15.
We all spent the entire of the next morning calling glaziers, cleaning carpets and sofas, and putting things as right as we could before our friends parents got back. We at least all atrempted to make things right. We didnt wait for the parents to come back and tell us how to call an emergency glazier. We pooled money for cleaning stuff and scrubbed red wine and sick ourselves. It was a large house too with a party that got out of hand. But this was a bunch of 15 year olds. Not 26 year olds.
She was grounded for a very long time if I remember rightly.
How has your daughter just left it as it was for you to find?
At 26 most people have lived in their own house and understand the value of things. Even at 15 we knew it was not ok and rallied round to help rectify things.
They all came then buggered off and left her to deal with the fall out. Absolutely not good friends either.

Edited

I'm shocked that they just left it and made no effort to clean up, too.

When my crowd were 18/19, we had parties at a friend's 3 weekends running while his parents were away. Even at that age, we had the sense to put away stuff that was breakable etc, and rolled up and removed the rugs (they had parquet throughout).

Despite being off our heads on all sorts (it was the 70s, when acid was still a thing), we spent the bank holiday before they got back cleaning the house from top to bottom and making sure that everything was immaculate. One of the lads even cut the grass and I deadheaded the roses.

His parents had no idea there'd even been parties until the neighbours mentioned noise and people camping in the garden.

Itsokuntilitisnt · 14/12/2025 07:28

I would be informing the police, photographing everything, getting quotes for replacements and fitting/labour and making her pay. Garnish her wages until it’s all paid for, then she could leave!

Redflagsabounded · 14/12/2025 07:27

This has got to be rage-bait, surely?

On the slightest chance it isn't - kick her out. Today. That's her consequences.

You won't see a penny from her or get any accountability/action from her other than a bit of pathetic hoovering while crying manipulatively. That's your consequences for your own foolishness and bad parenting. What is fucking wrong with you?

And if she's an international freelance business consultant, I'm an astronaut.

CocksBolingey · 14/12/2025 07:25

She needs to be living on her own if she wants to behave so disrespectfully.

LilWoosmum82 · 14/12/2025 07:25

Omds she would be paying for all the damage and i would be giving her notice to find somewhere else to live. Shes 26 not 16 she should know better and she should be grateful you're neighbpurs didnt call the police

Simonjt · 14/12/2025 07:23

From experience professional upholstery cleaners can easily get red wine out of a sofa.

I would personally pick all the companies for cleaning, repairs etc myself and then get her to organise it, I wouldn’t want to risk her attempting to cut corners.

It does however seem poir behaviour and disrespect doesn’t ever have a consequence for her, so its less surprising that she continues the same pattern of behaviour.

TidyCyan · 14/12/2025 07:22

Time for some Rightmove links and a big fat wakeup call. For both of you.

She's not a consultant.

BuckChuckets · 14/12/2025 07:22

I haven't rtft, but had anyone suggested to @MyFairGreenTurtle that they give DD notice to move out? 26, allegedly working as a consultant, not paying her way, and trashing the house when left alone? This is either a joke or some incredibly lax parenting.

TheWater · 14/12/2025 07:19

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 21:58

See the weird thing is she doesn't drink. There were only 20 people round, but I'd say 14 of those people are only really acquaintances rather than friends. My head is just spinning from this whole thing, I'm tempted to check into the hotel down the road for the night.

Show quote history

‘apparently DD made no effort to get these people out of our house because she was so drunk.‘

Clearly, she drinks.

She’s got a serious drink problem if she’s behaving like this repeatedly. I know, because I was similar in my twenties and early thirties. Never caused this kind of damage, but so embarrassed by the way I behaved. Other people had to clean up after me. It took me years to recognise how utterly disgusting my behaviour was, because alcohol was worth it to me at the time, so I never truly faced what I was doing until I stopped drinking.

hattie43 · 14/12/2025 07:13

Vartden · 13/12/2025 22:21

I"m truly shocked that a person of 26 would behave like that and have friends who joined her to cause such damage. What kind of people are they so be so disrespectful. I have adult children who would never have behaved in such a manner. Its disgusting. She should pay for all the damage and I'd give her notice to be out and in her home by January. She can trash that to her hearts content.

She’s like the because the more I read from OP the more she’s been raised wrong . OP sounds relaxed about all this as if oh well shit happens . She’s not been a good parent and now she’s reaping the rewards of shitty parenting . Who allows a 26 yrs old to work as and when from her bedroom , pays peppercorn rent . Has no respect for people’s property and sees the damage as just another by product of having a party . How is any of this setting up this adult woman to actually adult . I’d be apoplectic about this not making excuses about her wanting to have a good social life .

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 14/12/2025 07:12

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:57

I checked this afternoon and some of the damage might be claimable, but things like the carpet burns and sofa stains won't be covered because we haven't got a soft furnishings extension. Also, it looks like most of it will fall to us given the circumstances. They'll say we gave rise to the losses

Show quote history

They will fall to her, not you.

Itsaknockout235 · 14/12/2025 07:08

If she’s 26 and has been working full time, paying a peppercorn rent towards bills (in agreement with OP), then even with a modest salary she should have saved nearly 100k by now.

Time to move out.

Rightsraptor · 14/12/2025 07:04

Appalling behaviour and you didn't need to ask if you were being unreasonable, OP, but the fact that you did ask tells us a lot about who rules the roost at your house.

It'd be much better & cheaper if you insisted she move out, giving her a deposit for a rental flat if needed.

She needs to grow up.

hattie43 · 14/12/2025 06:56

I’d be beyond livid . It’s well known that ‘ gatherings ‘ tend to turn into out of control house parties . Bloody awful .

Pumpkinmagic · 14/12/2025 06:53

This is what me and my brother did at 14, we thought the damage then was bad but it was no where near as bad as what you describe. We spent hours cleaning up and thought parents would never know but we missed a couple of things and of course the neighbours spoke to them. I can’t get my head around a 26 year old having a house party like this.

Skodacool · 14/12/2025 06:53

MyFairGreenTurtle · 13/12/2025 22:14

I think today has made me realise that whenever she has friends round they seem to treat the house like a hotel. Empty glasses left everywhere, takeaway boxes abandoned, no clean up done at all. What bothers me is her attitude as when I tell her to get on it as the house won't magically clean itself she says "we were all tired the next day".

This isn't the first time we've had to clean up after her and her friends, it's just never been on this scale before

Show quote history

Having read this I’ve changed my vote to YABU. She has form for this, you’ve allowed this behaviour. Time to put some rules in place or find a place of her own.

Needspaceforlego · 14/12/2025 06:53

Can someone tell me what Only Fans is - I'm scared to actually Google that one?

I've been thinking the international consultancy business is actually drugs dealing, but she sounds far too immature to be one of the serious players in the game.

It definitely sounds like drugs were involved at the party and she has some very dodgy friends.

Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2025 06:48

I honestly can't believe what I am reading. She sounds like she's a teenager but actually that's insulting to many teenagers.

Sounds like you have enabled this situation. The warning signs were there, you ignored them - she had friends round and they didn't clear up afterwards.

I am assuming the damages will cost thousands and thousands of pounds - TV, carpet, hot tub, work surface.
Does she have any savings with this unicorn job that she has? If so you need to take it. She REALLY needs to learn from this. She should be feeling ashamed

PinkElephants356 · 14/12/2025 06:48

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, it must be really stressful. To make yourself feel better and see the bright side you could use this as a reason to replace your worktops with a quartz worktop. Your daughter paying towards this would be a really nice gesture.

I have to say though there’s nothing like owning ones own home and realising how much time, effort, hard work and money it takes to get a home set up to give one respect for property and belongings. Maybe it’s time she got her own place.

pilates · 14/12/2025 06:48

Wow what bad behaviour for a 26 yr old. She needs to pay for all of the damage and agree with pp sounds like drugs are involved.

Starlia · 14/12/2025 06:46

Come on OP, I’m annoyed with all of you. How can a 26 year old be so immature and reckless? She needs to pay up and move out of home and you know it.

Secondly, stop falling for her obvious lies. If she has a great career, she can stand on her own two feet, she will be fine. If she can’t, she will learn about consequences (about a decade too late).

Sorry to be blunt but this is sloppy, lazy parenting and this is what happens when you enable your children to be entitled brats.