Need a hand hold - never again letting my DD have a party again!

Ok this is really mad. We are from an affluent area but about 8km from is a spot full of millionaires and billionaires.

I had the misfortune of working with someone from this area in my early 20s 'claudia'. I suspect her dad pulled strings to get her the job. I was incredibly driven and conscientious. It was a very competitive environment.

This idiot never billed anything, nothing! She was constantly speaking about a business she was setting up (twenty years later pretty sure it never happened) and that was why she resigned. I went to work overseas. Her siblings was traveling the world as a young adult living 'a bohemian life' as Claudia described. It turned out their dad was funding this entirely as this sister was not destined for corporate life but he hoped she would discover something else.

Most fascinating to me of all was when Claudia would describe her friendship group. None of them worked 'jobs' apart from her and she was the recipient of many jibes and jokes. They all had companies that made no money it seemed or worked part time as consultants. They all lived at home in their basically castles, took copious amounts of cocaine and the local pubs often opened in the mornings for them simply to run lock-ins. They were all really nice people apparently but wouldn't speak to me as I'm beneath them.

These stories of houses being trashed did take place.

I found this tiny gilded corner utterly despicable. My own upbringing was admittedly privileged but we were taught to work hard and push ourselves.

Sorry OP but you have not done your job as a parent. You are to blame here. Your daughter does not understand responsibility or accountability. She cannot function as an adult.

You need to change all that now.

I hope you did go to the hotel last night but if not, i would leave the house for several hours but let her know there will be a meeting at 7pm and she is to be there. In the meantime she is to source quotes for fixing everything.

Then sit down and do up a full invoice for damages and put a project plan in place for delivery dates starting with the most important. She needs to pay for the lot and she needs to oversee the lot too. Put terms of completion for each section eg. This will be completed when the TV is fully working again or replaced. Every Sunday there will be a project review where things stay red, turn orange (progress since the week before) or green (completed). This will take months and maybe seems unfair for there to be so much more work for you but you need to do this for her. Do no fall into that trap of "it'll be easier to do it myself".

Explain to her that she is either moving out or paying rent; less than market rent but not some nominal amount towards expenses.

She will need to curtail her lifestyle dramatically and really should be looking for support from her friends.

This is the behaviour of a teenager. You all need to step up now.

Room and board - old fashioned saying but obvious what it means!

I’d be asking dd to move out if she did this 🤷‍♀️ as well as pay for all the damage.

It’s completely disrespectful.

You are enabling her to behave like this.

What is her board costs? 🤔

I note you're very quick to show your pride in her. She's taken the piss because you've allowed it.

She needs to transfer her savings to you to pay for the damage and she starts to pay a proper rent. You need to teach her how to adult because it's been a piss poor job so far.

If you don't, then you'll reap what you sow with her.

Bloody hell! I just turned 27 in September and there’s no way I would dream of behaving like this anywhere let alone in my parents’ house! I’m so sorry OP, absolutely get her to pay for the damage and clean up where possible. If she’s going to be staying at home I wouldn’t let her have people over.

I assume the invite was on a Snapchat group - that seems to be how teen parties are organised these days. Get him to send a list of rules. My teen son went to a party last week where rules had been sent out eg no vapes in the house, no vomiting, any damage will need to be paid for etc and anyone who breaks the rules will be sent home. Seemed to keep things under control and one kid was indeed sent home!

You’re being an absolute mug. The grown up 26 yr old can organise quotes and get workmen round in HER own flipping time. Stop enabling her stupidity and make her take responsibility. You’ve trained her up to be helpless and let parents deal. She’s not a child. Stop it!

Why does she pay such a small amount towards the bills? If she has this business consultancy job she should be paying a lot more. In any case, she can pay most of her disposable income towards the damage until it's sorted. If my 25 year old lived at home I would expect him to pay around £400 per month towards the house.

Was it the “thing” at 26?

This! @MyFairGreenTurtle NOW is the time to stop enabling your daughter and teach her what beibg an adult is about; make her take accountavility for EVERYTHING that has been broken and pay for it. Also she needs to clean up. Her friends should no longer be allowed in your home. You need to stop treating her like a baby or she will remain the entitled brat she now is.

What the hell?
At 26 I had two kids, was doing up a house and studying for my masters. My parties involved grown-ups chatting and drinking, maybe with music and food, easily cleared up.

Sone are saying this was like a teenagers party… my DD at 17 had big parties here, but after the mess was cleared up there was no damage.

Get her to pay for, arrange and fix everything; then force her to grow up and stand on her own two feet.

This is what happens when you let your kids walk all over you. She's shown you countless times already that she has no respect for your property or belongings.

Hopefully a few parents may have learned this from your thread, OP, even though it's way too late to help you. You know full well that you're going to be the one dealing with this and all the costs incurred.

She'd be out on her arse today if I lived in your house.

No thanks, not even when I was in my teens or 20s.

No, don't treat her like a child! A child wouldn't be expected to pay for it.

In fact, start treating her like an adult. Expect better.

She’ll ’help get quotes’?! No, she’ll secure all quotes then arrange, and pay, for the work to be done. I hope she’s spent all day yesterday cleaning and securing all broken doors etc. I would then tell her that in the new year you’re expecting her to move out, if she can’t respect your house then she doesn’t deserve to live there.

Shes 26 not 16 OP! She’s a fully grown adult.

Then your delightful daughter will pay out of her earnings

Jobs a goodun

HTH

@Bananafofana how funny I had not read the thread but you've phrased what I mean but better

Op I would feel devastated as well and that's proper damage there.

On the other hand I bet randoms turned up and behaved in a stupid way.

When I was younger it was the thing for someone to have a house party and some idiots would get to work on dismantling radiators etc .

I would ask to solve some problems herself like the wine stains just say however she does it you went it stain free same with the carpet ..can solve that and ask for her to start paying toward the hot tub.

Not gonna lie you passive attitude is quite enraging a good clue as to why she still acts like a teenager. Where the hell is your anger?! What's to stop her doing this again? Nothing! I'd honestly kick her out and take a good look at how my 'parenting' has led to the creation of such an entitled person... Am guessing you are rich and she is fairly spoilt, time for some big changes.

This really is appalling. She's 26 for goodness sake, not 14. I'd be pretty pissed off if a 17 year old did it but at this age there is absolutely no excuse. What kind of adult posts a party on social media to invite loads of randoms?
Does she always show such poor judgement?
Of course she should be paying for the damage. Since she clearly has no respect for you or your home, I'd be charging her a decent rent from now on and suggesting she starts looking for somewhere of her own to live.

Well the answer is obvious. Get quotes, get the work done, make it clear at every stage that she will be paying 100% of the cost. Stop letting her friends come round, stop being treated as a skivvy, stop enabling her. If she doesn't start giving you some money towards the repairs now give her a month's notice to leave.
Oh, and start charging her a more realistic rent FFS.
Do you have the backbone?

I can’t get over her age. 26. Presumably the friends in a similar age range. Other than the odd red wine spill and knocked over wine glass I haven’t been to a party where there was actual damage of this magnitude since I was 16.

as per pp, it’s not just the damage she needs to cover, not just the physical work (dredging leaves out of hot tub), it’s the leg work of calling for quotes and meeting tradespeople to do all the repairs : carpet, kitchen bench, hot tub panel. Right from start to finish. She needs to treat this as a consulting job and manage the whole end to end process.

@MyFairGreenTurtle awful behaviour but sounds as though you knew she couldn't really be trusted given her lack of responsibility generally. Sorry OP, there's an element of enabling here. She clearly has little respect for you or your home. She needs to take responsibility for the damage and if it were my daughter she'd be on notice to leave.

That is a shocking amount of damage. Are you sure the TV in the garden and hot tub damage wasn't done by an opportunistic neighbour? I would be getting DD to pay for the repairs.