Playdate hell - am I being OTT?

This has just brought back memories of my (at the time) only getting really upset at a friends house because his friend and friends brother were fighting 😂 lovely normal family who are now close friends.

Jeez 12% say you are unreasonable to have basic standards of cleanliness and parenting skills. God help the kids of those 12%

Whenever my DD has a play date I leave them to play, I don’t think you need to ‘plan activities’ that’s so exhausting. My DD and friends are more than happy to amuse themselves so the no activities thing isn’t a big deal to me. The mess/dirt and food everywhere though, no, yuk, basic hygiene. I wouldn’t be back.

Don't let DD go there again, and don't invite the friend to your house either. Best to gently discourage or at least not actively encourage the friendship.

Ds once went to a party of a lovely girl in his class. He snuck a house phone into the bathroom and rang me to please please pick him up.
He never went back. Real shame but he was horrified.. We had 6 dcats and a chaotic home but it was habitable... This was another level of unhygienic..

No, this isnt normal, but I think its unnecessarily judgy of you to post about it.

Just have playdates at yours instead of theirs from now on.

Standard of cleanliness doesn't reflect what a good friend the child will be.

The dirt is grim. Also no need to put on the tv if they are having a playdate.
But I don't get the bit of planned activities @GrumpyOldWoman2 ? Were you expecting organised play when it's just two 4 year old girls? Surely they should be able to play with the toys available🤷‍♀️. Organised play is needed when there are plenty of small people like for a birthday party or something.

Anyway, I find it rude not to clean up a minimum before inviting people over, putting the tv on, being on the phone and let your kids run feral. Invite friend over to your house next time= your rules.

As others have said: dirt sounds a bit grim - though not as awful as some houses (and certainly not as bad as the dog poo another poster has mentioned!)

But I wouldn’t expect planned activities. A play date is just that, an opportunity for kids together and play, while parents natter whilst trying to ensure no serious injury or falling out. If you want planned activities you need to suggest a trip out to somewhere. We often do a National Trust or Farm for ours, especially useful when not very familiar with the other parents.

I was going to say the same

I don't think this is that unusual tbh and it's why I'm not a huge fan of play dates, especially at drop-off age. You generally have no idea what it's like in the other person's house or who else is there, and the other parent is just using your child as free unsupervised entertainment for their own kid, who has the upper hand over yours as they're on home territory.

What are the parents like?

The filthy house would bother me but not the lack of planned activities. Children can usually be left to amuse themselves on playdates. I never planned anything, just left them to it and kept an eye on them fairly regularly.

With the way you describe the house though, that would put me off going back there.

I went to party at a nursery friends house, both doctors. They opened the door and I had to step on clothes or over them all littering the hallway. There house was filthy and the kids where also running wild. I’ve never experienced anything like it but honestly I would avoid to going back too.

Just a basic level of hygiene was missing and it was grim.

I understand what you’re saying but I prefer these types of families over the snobby ones.

Either she doesn’t see anything wrong with it and is comfortable in her parenting or this was her after having tidying up.

I would generally plan activities because I’d be paranoid the kid went home saying they’d be bored but kids are fine to go and play by themselves, so that part wouldn’t bother me.

Buy what are you going to do about it? You can't force her to clean her house.

Either your kids don't go round there anymore...or you just tolerate it.

The house does sound a bit grim, but I never plan activities for playdates and when we've been to other houses they haven't planned anything either. It's usually a combination of feral play, garden and TV.

No, not normal. We've done a lot of playdates. Typical would be toys out and snacks around but on plates, a few crumbs but not loads (just from kids wandering around with a piece of toast for instance), normally no telly on, no structured activities set up but access to train sets/cars/Lego etc.. or some drawing.

My work involves going to into people's homes though and some are just shocking - cleaner to keep your shoes on.

Did she know you were staying? Maybe she feels comfortable with you so doesn’t need to tidy up?

Yanbu, at age 4 they do need someone to oversee them. I always had a few planned activities, mixed with free play. I would be disgusted by this - the state of the house and a feral child.
I have been doing play dates for years and years now and always have a clean and tidy home and made sure the kids had fun.

How many children do you have, and how many does she have?

Sounds like she was definitely not expecting you to come in let alone stay! Sat on her phone! How many kids were there?! Sounds terrible!

This.

I was a turn the tv and let them go feral mum.

Not dirt. And impeccable behaviour expected in the outside world. But at home they were left to play.

YANBU for being disgusted at the minging house but YABU for expecting ‘planned activities’ on a play date. Are you the entertain them at all costs never let them get bored type of mum? Research says that this is not great parenting either.