Playdate hell - am I being OTT?

That is unusual. Most play dates aren’t like that. People usually clean up a bit and suggest some games/activities to start with. It might descend into chaos at the end!

Dirt isn't good but the rest I couldn't get excited about. I've never planned activities for a play date. People have different lifestyles does she have more kids? My son finds playdates with anyone with siblings noisy as he is only child

I feel a bit like this. DS's best friend's flat with 4 kids in it was a horror show - weird smell like wax crayons which I think was unwashed carpets and floors, squelchy underlay where the floorboards had got wet and spongy, broken toilet and sink, literal 6ft high pile of stuff on the only table. They have moved now into a bigger place which is much better. I only stayed once but always felt uneasy dropping him off after - he was desperate to go though!

I’d also be concerned about the children that had to live there

No you aren’t being OTT. This sounds awful. And you had a newborn with you @GrumpyOldWoman2 … I’d have left within 10 mins

I can actually think of worse; I never let my dc jump on sofas etc and when at someone else' s home I'm even stricter with them out of respect for the other person's home. Had a playdate with a school mum at her place with her girls and my boys. She was very strict about what games they could play, hid away some because they were too precious etc. Told my boys to not drag their feet when walking etc. Very strict. So when she came to ours I didn't expect anything else only that it was like another person! One girl jumping on the sofa- my ds telling her it was forbidden- mum didn't say anything. Girls taking food to dc room- I told them that we eat in the dining room- again I first waited for mum to intervene but she didn't. Girls running around-fine for me. Mum went into ds room, looked around and asked for playmobiles. She didn't want my sons playing with her girls playmobiles but thought it fine for her girls to play with ours. My ds share so no problem- I just told them to be careful with the castle. Hear jumping around in the room and ds screaming- one girl wanted to jump from ds bed into the castle, a bit already failen off. I looked at mum who reluctantly told her dd to not jump on the playmobil.

Needless to say I took it away and told them that they could only play with toys that won't brake. Never had them over again. The fact that the mum was so worried about her house and then didn't care at all about mine was so rude. I would prefer it if she was sloppy at hers because atleast it would be logic if she was the same- and I could just have made it my business to intervene.

Yeah I mean it’s the minimum isn’t it! Keep the fucking toilet and sink clean , it’s literally underneath a tap ffs it takes seconds . If someone’s coming round , check the toilet.👩‍⚖️ such a bare minimum standard that your 6 yr old recognised it .

My 6yo once refused to use the toilet at his friend’s house first time we went for a play date because the toilet and sink were both filthy. That was a bit tricky.

theres clean dirt and dirty dirt . Clean dirt is leaves from today that have been dragged in on pushchair wheels and blown in from the back door where kids have been running in and out, sand because they’ve been in the sand pit and running in and out, abandoned toast crusts and biscuits and half eaten apples, disregarded leaking juice cups and lolly sticks, a pile of washing up from today. Then there’s dirty dirt which is encrusted shit stained toilets , floor that you think probably had a pattern and a colour at some point , cooker and work tops that have layers upon layers of sticky dusty crap on them, taps that you can’t touch because wiping your hands on your jeans would be practically aseptic in comparison . You can tell the difference.

Op, you know the difference between temporary dirt ( cut her some slack) and regular filth , if it’s the latter don't blame you at all, have her friend round yours from now on.
activity wise I would probably have had a few options ( play doh, painting,crafts) but would have expected them to just play on there own tbf.
when my kids were little I always felt I had to take care of their friends /other peoples kids ‘better ‘ than I would my own iykwim,so if I took my dds friend out with us for the day I wouldn’t let them wander as far as i would usually or go out of my sight etc basically more supervision not less when your responsible for somebody else’s child. You’re not comfortable for a reason, don’t let your dd round there alone.

We’ve had impromptu play dates sprung on us while the house is a mess - usually I’d chat to the other parent whilst tidying. Or if it’s a drop and go play date, spend the time tidying and cleaning while the kids play.

For me the weird thing is the mum sitting on her phone surrounded by mess.

Cannot believe anyone thinks this is normal.

My advice is back off because if she let's her kids climb on her sofas and wipe their noses on it then they will expect to do it at your house too.

My house is minging 90% of the time but when people come for play dates I pretend I’m normal and tidy. I find it mad that people don’t realise that their house is dirty/a mess as I’m fully aware when mine is. Or I guess they know and don’t care but that’s also wild to me

Crumbs and sticky floor and unwiped table actually does sound pretty normal over the course of a day with children to me tbh. It's totally up to you but maybe worth another go in case it was just a case of their cleaning getting beyond them.

As for entertainment, while when my daughter had playdates when she was younger I did tend to have a couple of things to give them structure if needed, for the most part I just let them figure it out for themselves. It was a nice moment when she was younger when two of her friends in the space of about two weeks said they liked coming to our house. Most of her experiences at friends houses are pretty similar with a couple of exceptions - one mum until very recently was much more structured and very involved in keeping them entertained. I definitely went with and still go with the 'go nuts' vibe.

Gosh I’m probably like that. Oh shame on me! I do tidy up beforehand but it gets messy pretty quickly in the kids’ areas (the playroom, kids bedrooms and the loft) once the playdates starts. Some people come back gor the playdates, others do not.

Most houses my kids had play dates were pretty tidy. Nothing like what you describe, though the kids were pretty much left to entertain themselves with some supervision but no direction (isn’t that the point of play dates? They don’t need much of a plan). But dirty enough that your child noticed - yuck.

So she just sat on her phone

I've had a similar experience. I'm very clean and tidy and quite strict with how my child plays - no jumping on furniture, teaching him to respect our nice things etc.
Had a playdate last year with his first friend from pre school. The mum brought her 18 month old without telling me (I didn't even know she had one). Both kids in dirty clothes, snot running freely (18 month old's ended up on our sofa, mum made no attempt to clean it off), lunch was eaten, no cleaning of hands or faces. Lots of crying and tantrums from 18 month old.

I was honestly a bit shocked. She is nice and well put together but her lack of respect for someone else's home was a shock. My 4 year old was also asking why they didn't wipe hands and made such a mess!

If it was really filthy, that's not great but otherwise I do think it's good for children to understand that people live differently, with different standards or due to different finances. Obviously not great if there are actual health risks but sometimes it's good to experience different set ups and children should start to learn to navigate these situations.

I wouldn't generally put the TV on during a play date but I also wouldn't plan any activities. Children need to learn out how to entertain themselves and use their imagination. My friends son cannot play by himself (or really with friends) as he is so used to an adult organising activities or games non-stop and it's done him no favours.

Dirt would be a problem for me but not lack of activities. My kids never did structured activities like games age 4. They just wanted to run around, play lego, make dens, play imaginary games. No need to insert the grownups and rules into that stuff, just let them be. They’re at school every day with rules and structure.

Different people have different standards. Your standards are higher than hers. I'd find that uncomfortable, too, so would either host at my place or arrange playdates at public places like a local park.

The kind of person who doesn't bother cleaning at all for a playdate is never going to plan activities, so not at all surprising that she didn't. I don't see a problem with not having very specific activities planned, anyway, but allowing the kids to be so noisy that another child remarked upon it isn't great.

I used to go to my friends before I had children. There was always food everywhere and muck and this overwhelming smell of rotten milk.
She is one of those people who don’t care, she would be sat knitting. Her children are grown and her house is still a total mess. She grew up in a very tidy house.

I’d probably run the hoover rounds if I knew you were coming. But activities on a play date? Nah I haven’t got time for that. They have toys. Play with them

Lack of activities is fine, I wouldn’t however expect one of the adults to just be ignoring the children. Toy mess fine and normal, dirt however no, that isn’t something I would like so I would make sure playdates were at our house. The only positive about having a child with allergies is that you can sometimes use it as an excuse to always be the host.

It happens, some people live like that, they grew up in similar environments and never learnt to expect or try any better.

I once went to a 6yo kid's b'day party with my eldest son. The house was fine, but there was no party as such. The mum just chucked all the kids in the back garden to play on the trikes and trampoline, then pointed all the adults to help themselves to a large folding table covered in cans of beer. I took one to be polite. There were no party games and the kids were given packs of crisps to eat whilst they played. It was fine, but I did feel a bit sad for what that kid was missing out on.

I had a friend like this, we had kids similar age. Her house was absolutely rank, half eaten biscuits on the furniture and the floor, been there weeks. Kitchen was foul, piles of mouldy teabags on the draining board. Once I was there with my son who was about 12 months old, she tried to press us to stay for lunch, she admitted that the pan of stew in the kitchen had been at there for 3 days, when I looked in the pan it was actually frothing with bacteria 🤮 i finally got rid of her when she sent me a snotty message because I hadn't sent a birthday card for her kid. She never spoke to me again . That was 20 odd years ago 😬