Another MIL post

There's nothing to forgive her for, she didn't do anything wrong. She's his mum, not yours. No matter what he did wrong or how close you and MIL were, he's her child, her loyalty will always be to him, not you.

If you're forgiving him and taking him back, I think the only thing you can do regarding your feelings about MIL is suck it up and get on with it.

She has demonstrated that your relationship was never genuinely built on love and affection. Go forward with your interactions with her on this basis. She is in your life because she birthed your DH. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. She told me that when her and FIL split up, her MIL took the ‘side’ of her son (FIL) and cut contact with her. Shortly after, FIL died and his mother was essentially cut out of the picture. She is very elderly now and always eager to see DH and our children but DH couldn’t really care less about her as she was largely absent. You reap what you sow!

She will always support her son over you, can’t understand why you would think otherwise!

The OPs MiL may not have even heard her side of the story. Unfortunately the 'too close to a colleague' issue is often rather nebulous.
The difference between the husband having an emotional affair and the man who's controlling wife won't allow him to be friends with a colleague often comes down to who is relating the story.

Probably because there are always different sides to each story and the OP’s version also might not be true.

Uptime though, most mothers will stand by their child even if they do believe they are the one in the wrong.

I find that incredibly cold and callous her son was cheating on you and she said she didn't want to take sides ?

Is there a side to take ? Surely you can remain neutral ,speak to your son and show sympathy to the woman who let you into her life and has reached out feeling extremely alone and vulnerable??
I think you should be honest op and tell her how you feel.

I would hazard a guess that your H told a rather different story to his mum. I'm thinking it was along the lines of "Mint has become irrationally jealous about my female colleague and I'm devastated she's thrown me out..."

In the absence of your own family I imagine you see her as a mum and when the chips were down (and he'd been disloyal) she (understandably) chose the him. That must have hurt.

I like to think in this position I would have checked you were OK and listened to you with sympathy and without taking sides. I'm sorry she didn't do this. It maybe that she didn't know what to do for the best. Give it time. Hopefully you will be able to repair things with your husband and her.

I find it odd you can forgive your DH who did far worse but not his mother who was probably worried about upsetting her son. Is this a convenient reason not to invite her over? If you want to build relations with your husband then excluding his mother at christmas isn’t going to be a good move.

Maybe have lunch with her before Christmas, let her know how upset you were and why, but tell her you want to move on, but had to say that.

You misread the situation and thought she was the equivalent of your mum but she’s not, and you put her in the awkward position of effectively having to choose between her own child and his wife. Almost always parents will choose their child and that’s what she did. Quite how or why you think she needs to apologise to you for that is bizarre.

You’ve made amends with your husband, now you need to apologise to your MIL for embarrassing her by putting her in such a ridiculous situation and move on.

Totally agree , she really needs to earn your trust back.
My mil has always supported me regardless….

She’s his mum. It’s natural, whatever he does, that she supports him.

I can see why you feel hurt, but by involving your MIL in your side too, it would have put her in the thick of things and been very unfair on her.

Put yourself in her shoes. Her own son was living under her roof having been kicked out, so by also keeping in contact with you, it would have made her a middle-man soundboard/peace keeper/mediator which would have been unfair.

It's good she didn't take sides. You have forgiven your husband. Your MIL has done nothing wrong and I can't see why you have anything to forgive.

It's not her fault you had no one else to turn to.

So now you need to remember she is your husbands mum not yours. Be polite but keep the contact minimal, I would say no to Christmas because I don’t like hosting people who treat me badly.

You know now you are only important if you are married to her son. She’s not your mum or even your friend, it’s a conditional relationship.

i would say to dh this year you want it to be the two of you . Going forward I would aim for a polite relationship but I wouldn’t let her in again.

I would say if you are trying to patch your marriage up, you should have Christmas Day without any visitors.

She was in a difficult situation. Relationship break down are so personal. She did the right thing not to interfere.

I think you are displacing your angry on her.

What you have to understand is he is her son. You looked as though you were going to be his ex. I doubt she cares much about you other than in the context of her son and his convenience. Most MIL would try and be a bit more sympathetic.

Personally I wouldn’t have forgiven him, you possibly haven’t but people are financially or otherwise dependent and there is the idea that finding someone else is needle in a haystack of similar slimebags anyway so better the devil you know.

But as others have said, be civil and invite her. If it happens again with dh she will ignore you again, because you are not her daughter, and that’s what she is like on these matters, just accept it. You’ve accepted the ultimate shit sandwich already with dh after all.

It seems that you genuinely like her and see her as family, so it’s in your own interests to try to forgive and move on.

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt, how hard would it be to sen a message of sympathy? No sides needed to be taken.

How on earth can you forgive your husband but not his mum? That’s weird as he’s broken trust and been a dick. Your mil was put in a difficult position because of your husband.

I do think it would be good to forgive her. You have decided to forgive your husband as pp’s have said. But I do get why you’re conflicted. It was harsh of her to cut you off. Even a brief message to say that while she was sorry you were hurting, she would find it difficult to maintain contact as her son was now living with her and hoping you would understand.

You’re allowed to be hurt by the way she handled it and only you can decide if this is a big enough situation to lose her over.

Ask if you can pop round, meet for coffee or whatever works for you and just be honest.

Tell her you were really hurt that she went cold on you because you weren’t the one who did anything wrong and you could have used the support but you understand that her son was the one who caused the situation so it put her in an awkward position. Tell her you miss her and you’d like to get the relationship back to where it was and see what her response is.

Of course she supported her son over you, he’s her son. She’s not your mum, she’s his mum - just because you are estranged from your parents, does not mean she is your mother. You have a MIL / DIL relationship.

The person who you both in a difficult position was your DH, he’s welcomed back … and she’s getting ostracised. I’m guessing it’s not a position she wanted to be in either. There is someone to be annoyed at, and it’s not her.

I’m taking the other side.

She accepted your daughterly support but when you needed something back she cut you off. I’m not surprised you are hurt.

I would be cordial with her and build a new relationship, but I wouldn’t be doing anything like the above for her going forward.