Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My new older boss makes me extremely uncomfortable

36 replies

Jtfrtj · 13/12/2025 16:18

I don’t know what to do or if this is even resolvable at this point

Part of my new role involves managing an account, the customer business is based in another city 3 hours away. On my second week into the job, CEO told me he visits the site weekly and wanted to take me with him, so I could meet everyone. He said he’d pick me up from my home in the morning

He picked me up the following morning as planned. My interactions with him in the office at that point had been limited (he’s very busy and elsewhere a lot of the time) but professional, however he spent the entire 3 hour car journey being what I felt was unprofessional, and sending me subliminal messages that he has a dating or sexual interest in me (this is where I’m unsure, and need advice on if I’m reading too much into things) Examples below:

  • As soon as I got into the car, we started talking about the upcoming Christmas period, if we’d finished our Christmas shopping, the usual… He then said he had two grown up daughters and was divorced from their mum. He then said “I am dating on the apps at the moment” then proceeded to tell me how his ex wife hit the menopause and decided she didn’t like him anymore (this happened to all her female friend too, apparently) she tried to rinse him financially for all his assets, that his kids preferred him to her, and she only applied for full custody so she gets more money out of him. He then told me as a man who is “successful financially” (he repeated this many times) he tells all the women he is meeting on dating apps that he will only marry again if there if there is a prenup involved
  • He asked me who I live with, I still live with my family. I am from an immigrant family who are very traditional and religious (he knows this because on my CV he noticed I went to a faith school, one of which he is aware of. I spoke about my education and mentioned in passing that it was importance to my parents to send me to a faith school) He asked me which country my family are from. I told him, to which he replied “Ah interesting, I dated a woman from X, also women from Y and Z” (all neighbouring countries of mine, same culture). Then he said “I actually prefer women from that part of the world, because while they have more expectations on gender roles, they also know what’s expected from them as women and they bring femininity to the table” I believe he was indirectly referencing to me there, as I always wear office dresses, blazer and heels to work. He mentioned my “lovely” outfit and nails when I had got into the car. He also asked me how old I was.
  • He then said that in the dating world, women are quick to label men as being only after “one thing” but what women need to realise is that sex is important to men and they have that urge by nature, just as women by nature have a huge urge to have children. And there needs to be understanding on both sides. At this point I feel extremely uncomfortable and grossed out by him. This is a man old enough to be my father, I am stuck in his car and just want to escape.
  • He relayed several stories of his bad dates which were very uncomplimentary to the women. On one, he pulled up to find her in the car park, she apparently looked heavier and older in person, and said “oh come on am I really suppose to deal with THAT”. (Despite the fact that he is middled aged, overweight and not attractive by any social norms)

When we left for the day and got back into the car he said “Yeah so as I was saying earlier, I’m not opposed to getting married again, so long as there’s a prenup involved” ?! Like it was relevant to the conversation we were having. It was so random. He then tells me that going forward he will assume I will accompany him on these weekly l site visits with him to maintain a good relationship with the customer. I honestly don’t think I can deal with this every week.

If my suspicions are true, that he is using this time in the car to “test the waters” with me so to speak, I will be both disgusted and insulted. He is old enough to be my father and extremely unattractive I felt sick when he referenced sex being important to men, as I could never look at him in that light (I’m not saying that if he was attractive, it would make it any less inappropriate)

More importantly, if that is the case I will be angry that he is using his power to put me in situations that I can’t escape. There’s no option for me to drive there, the company will only reimburse one vehicles mileage. I have no idea how to handle this, as he is the CEO he is the highest rank, and HR are ultimately there to protect the business not the employee.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
BrownTroutBluesAgain · 14/12/2025 02:03

Sounds like he’s told you his entire very personal !!! life story
and whilst he hasn’t directly said anything with you in mind it’s clearly uncomfortable.

Irrespective of the age difference it’s inapropriate to be so free with this type of language
and I would
either
ask him to keep the conversation professional in the future
start a conversation about a completely different topic

or talk to HR and they will do it for you

I should say I’ve been stuck in a car with men ( and women ) on the way to sites almost my entire career and when you don’t know them well it’s really awkward.
When you’re the older person, as I am now, there’s an expectation you are guiding the conversation. I absolutely hate these situations and get incredibly stressed .
In which case why not change the conversation immediately and spend the whole journey talking about anything random of your choosing or even better ask to put the radio on

If you can drive why not drive yourself if you don’t feel you can speak to him or someone higher up.

OhSoSalty · 14/12/2025 01:17

If he's been so forward in his sexual harassment of you as to say so much, so fast, it won't be long before he assaults you. Do not get in that car again. If he really wants you at these meetings he will extend the mileage allowance to 2 cars, he's in charge after all. If he doesn't do that, you know what he is.

Calamitousness · 13/12/2025 18:44

@Jtfrtj He is very unlikely to ask why you never raised before. If he’s any sense he will apologise and distance himself. I still believe it’s reasonable to raise directly as an adult in the workplace. I would also contact HR if you have anyone in the company but not be deterred from having direct conversation to say ‘stop’. I am a lot older and I realise that confidence to confront often comes with age and experience. But it will serve you well to be confident and assertive in your career. If he does ask why you didn’t raise it it’s very easy to respond that you were hoping it would not happen again but since it has you are making your feelings clear. Good luck.

johnd2 · 13/12/2025 18:35

Jtfrtj · 13/12/2025 17:00

Honestly I was amazed he managed to tick every “Things you must not say in the workplace in 2025” box. He lacks so much self awareness for a man of his age and work experience.

If he was ‘just’ a manager I’d have gone to HR by now but he’s the CEO there’s no one above him. I don’t have a leg to stand on do I.

Show quote history

There is someone above him, the courts, it's not legal to securely harass someone at work regardless of whether they are CEO or not

5128gap · 13/12/2025 18:26

Contact ACAS or Rights of Women for professional advice. Do this before you take any other steps. Please don't feel you must ignore it, address it yourself or leave. Contact the professionals.

Muffsies · 13/12/2025 18:18

Cover your arse. Record him on your phone on the nest trip. If his behaviour escallates you go to HR, but don't make a complaint, ask for a settlement and gardening leave to look for a new job.

The only way to deal with CEO pricks like that is to hit them in the pocket.

TFImBackIn · 13/12/2025 18:18

Honestly, I would go to HR and say I was willing to make those trips in my own car but that I would not be setting foot in his car again as I didn't feel safe or respected.

I really doubt this would be the first time they'd heard this about him.

And of course CEOs can be sacked.

HoppityBun · 13/12/2025 18:14

Jtfrtj · 13/12/2025 17:27

I’m guessing then he’ll question me as to why I didn’t say this the first time. I didn’t thoroughly engage with the conversation, he spoke 90% of the time. My main responses were “mmm”, “I see”, “sounds tough”. A couple of times I didn’t respond, to which he just laughed awkwardly and said “Anyway..” let continued to talk on the topic.
The truth is I was so taken aback, and two weeks into a new job I was excited about, I wanted to make a good. I thought the conversations would end soon enough but he didn’t discuss work once the entire journeys. It wasn’t until the next day I felt so uneasy and annoyed he’d put me in that situation in his car. I really can’t stand the thought of it every week.

Show quote history

If he does say that, tell him that you were giving him the benefit of the doubt and hoping that he would have the good sense to realise that such discussions were not appropriate to a workplace relationship and that he would not repeat them. You have now realised that he does not have that sense and that he is abusing his position of workplace seniority.

TonyTheImpala · 13/12/2025 18:05

LlynTegid · 13/12/2025 17:54

It's not an option, but a visit from several male relatives to the CEO to make him very clear such behaviour is completely unacceptable would probably have the desired effect.

The idea that you have discussed it with friends hence raising it later might be a good one.

That’s a crazy suggestion.

LlynTegid · 13/12/2025 17:54

It's not an option, but a visit from several male relatives to the CEO to make him very clear such behaviour is completely unacceptable would probably have the desired effect.

The idea that you have discussed it with friends hence raising it later might be a good one.

BackToLurk · 13/12/2025 17:49

Jtfrtj · 13/12/2025 17:27

I’m guessing then he’ll question me as to why I didn’t say this the first time. I didn’t thoroughly engage with the conversation, he spoke 90% of the time. My main responses were “mmm”, “I see”, “sounds tough”. A couple of times I didn’t respond, to which he just laughed awkwardly and said “Anyway..” let continued to talk on the topic.
The truth is I was so taken aback, and two weeks into a new job I was excited about, I wanted to make a good. I thought the conversations would end soon enough but he didn’t discuss work once the entire journeys. It wasn’t until the next day I felt so uneasy and annoyed he’d put me in that situation in his car. I really can’t stand the thought of it every week.

Show quote history

“You didn’t say anything last time”

”Honestly, I was just shocked. I ran it past a couple of friends though, and they agreed it was inappropriate “

Shot across the bows that you’re not afraid to mention it. He’ll assume you won’t say anything

hivizzz · 13/12/2025 17:46

This is awful OP, I’m so sorry. I understand your hesitation about going to HR, but depending on the company size and structure (And having an HR department in the first place suggests it’s a decent size), it could actually be in their interest to do something about this as opposed to protecting a toxic employee as he could really harm their public image.

Is he the owner (or majority shareholder) of the company, or are there other significant shareholders? Is there a board that he is appointed by and answers to? Are you regulated by any bodies? Is there are a union you can join?

Newbutoldfather · 13/12/2025 17:44

I can’t believe so many are suggesting ways of dealing with him.

If the company is big enough, just report him. Take detailed notes and make sure your story is consistent and true.

If it is one of those small companies where there are no alternative bosses and no meaningful HR, then you just have to give notice and, while you are working your notice, refuse to be alone with him.

This kind of sexual harrassment just doesn’t fly in 2025.

GreenCandleWax · 13/12/2025 17:40

Jtfrtj · 13/12/2025 17:00

Honestly I was amazed he managed to tick every “Things you must not say in the workplace in 2025” box. He lacks so much self awareness for a man of his age and work experience.

If he was ‘just’ a manager I’d have gone to HR by now but he’s the CEO there’s no one above him. I don’t have a leg to stand on do I.

Show quote history

Probably not, what an absolute jerk! I would leave the job, and on your way out tell HR exactly why. Don't go in the car with him again. He is really abusing his position as a powerful person in the organisation. You should not have to resort to manouvres to put him off or tell lies about yourself and your life. Just get rid - its so unfair if this a job you wanted and would be good for your career, but sadly, as ever with these situations, the woman leaves the job to save her sanity and self-respect, and the more powerful man stays. I really hope you get to work in a decent organisation with proper processes, OP. Flowers

ittakes2 · 13/12/2025 17:32

The next time he brings up something sexual ask him if it’s ok if he doesn’t talk about sex today as it makes you feel uncomfortable. Ask him if he has any hobbies you can talk about instead.

slughater · 13/12/2025 17:31

bevelino · 13/12/2025 17:07

Please don’t say you have genital herpes. That’s not something to joke about or mention to anyone at work.

Show quote history

you are right, I'm sorry

EBearhug · 13/12/2025 17:29

Are you in a union? If not, join one.

Next time he starts, says something like, "please can we change the conversation? I'd rather keep my private life private, and I'd prefer nor to hear about yours. Let's talk about work?"

Original poster
Jtfrtj · 13/12/2025 17:27

Calamitousness · 13/12/2025 17:22

He’s awful. I would genuinely say to him the next time he raises dating/sex etc. that you are finding these topics extremely uncomfortable and inappropriate and just ask that he sticks to work topics only. Be clear and confident and assertive. This should be openly referenced with him and the worst thing would be to remain quiet or find flimsy excuses. Just be a strong and clear assertive woman. You don’t need to be rude to
make your point. I’d be very surprised if he continued.

I’m guessing then he’ll question me as to why I didn’t say this the first time. I didn’t thoroughly engage with the conversation, he spoke 90% of the time. My main responses were “mmm”, “I see”, “sounds tough”. A couple of times I didn’t respond, to which he just laughed awkwardly and said “Anyway..” let continued to talk on the topic.
The truth is I was so taken aback, and two weeks into a new job I was excited about, I wanted to make a good. I thought the conversations would end soon enough but he didn’t discuss work once the entire journeys. It wasn’t until the next day I felt so uneasy and annoyed he’d put me in that situation in his car. I really can’t stand the thought of it every week.

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 13/12/2025 17:22

He’s awful. I would genuinely say to him the next time he raises dating/sex etc. that you are finding these topics extremely uncomfortable and inappropriate and just ask that he sticks to work topics only. Be clear and confident and assertive. This should be openly referenced with him and the worst thing would be to remain quiet or find flimsy excuses. Just be a strong and clear assertive woman. You don’t need to be rude to
make your point. I’d be very surprised if he continued.

Cerialkiller · 13/12/2025 17:21

I would be tempted to record one more trip. Make an effort to be as professional as possible. Practice some phrases. 'can we keep the topic to work please', ' I try not to discuss personal things at work' so you sound squeaky clean and can show you aren't reciprocating. This way you can go to HR and report him for harassment and can proove your side of the story.

Yes HR are there to protect the company but if the have a senior member of staff being sexualluy inappropriate to female staff then protecting the company means protecting it from him. Unless he's also the owner?

The alternative is to simply find another job. Shit but what can you do?!

ginasevern · 13/12/2025 17:19

Next time you get in the car with him (because I don't see how you can avoid it) start talking about your "new boyfriend". Say he's from your own culture and you took him to your meet your parents for Sunday lunch. They really approve and are absolutely delighted. Then invent a profile for this "boyfriend" and talk non stop about him. What he does for a living (something professional and well paid obviously), how old he is, his hobbies etc etc. So basically bore the fucking pants of your boss whilst making it abundantly clear that you are off limits.

ThisCyanPoet · 13/12/2025 17:17

Make up a boyfriend or family member and say they live somewhere closer to the other site (but in the opposite direction from where your boss starts his journey) so you’ll make your own way and meet him there.

BillieWiper · 13/12/2025 17:15

Omg he's grim. Trying to mansplain away the fact women have clearly accused him of being a sex pest by saying that he can't help it. Men are owed sex by women. And then to tell you that all women care about is having babies?!

Fucking hell I'd punch his bloody lights out.

IndolentCat · 13/12/2025 17:14

Jtfrtj · 13/12/2025 17:00

Honestly I was amazed he managed to tick every “Things you must not say in the workplace in 2025” box. He lacks so much self awareness for a man of his age and work experience.

If he was ‘just’ a manager I’d have gone to HR by now but he’s the CEO there’s no one above him. I don’t have a leg to stand on do I.

Show quote history

What are your HR team like? Because if they’re sympathetic you could go in verbally and say look, I know you can’t do anything but can you make it possible for me not to travel with this guy and to make my own way to the other site.

Would that have any legs? Otherwise it looks like you might need to cast around for another job 😟

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 13/12/2025 17:10

Oh god, OP, how unpleasant.

I think you develop a boyfriend right now, or if you feel like it an arranged marriage upcoming (if that would be believable) or announce you are gay. I would also become very religious and tell him that you simply cannot talk about sex or relationships.

Then I would look for another job

In the meantime write all this down

And unload it all on HR when you leave