Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

Some women become very difficult to cope with when perimenopausal.

You say these are people who have had seriously difficult life events - bereavements, divorces - these things are not easy to deal with.

Just because they weren't talking about those things doesn't mean those things weren't the cause of low mood.

Plus lots of people ARE finding life harder than in the past. Disposable income is low, public services are not supportive.

You don't have to spend your time with these people, but I think YABU to expect others to be fake cheerful for your benefit.

Agreed. And I even say this as a generally positive and upbeat person!

I'd change things up a little in future then. It sounds like an incompatibility, to me. I use meetups with friends as a distraction from any rubbish going on in my life. I might mention it briefly but I don't really want to talk about it in depth or at length and I don't particularly want to listen to everyone else's tales of woe either. Occasionally, when something major has happened, fine. I'll indulge a pity fest under those circumstances. But I'm guessing this isn't a one off and they're always moaning about something? So that's what my advice is based on. IMO life's too short to listen to people whinging all the time. Like you, I find it draining and it doesn't help me when I talk things through either, so I prefer to just be practical about it and change something about the situation to make it better.

I'd invite the nice one, who knows how to read the room, to meet up one to one. She's not the problem so there's no need to lose her as a friend, unless she chooses it. I'd not invite the moaners.

With group invites to things, I'd tolerate the so-so ones and avoid like the plague the two worst ones. So if it's not an activity where you can walk off and talk to someone else, away from the two miseries, then don't go.

Maybe you could invent some kind of health issue or personal weakness that means you hate "crowds" now and suck up them thinking you're pathetic to consider ten people, or whatever number your friends are, a "crowd". So as not to cause offence by making it about them. They might guess the real reason in time though. Or, I was once sort-of part of a friend group where the one I was most friends with (and who was lovely) would be avoided by a couple of the others. My friend would invite them all each time because they were part of the friendship group. These two that didn't like her much for some reason would always ask who was coming and if their favourite people weren't coming, they'd decline the invitation. Seemed rude to me and I'd never do it, but they obviously had no problems with it and there was never any consequences for being this way, so IDK, maybe it is socially acceptable? If I wanted to know who was coming I'd say I'll think about it and get back to you, then try to find out from others who's coming. I'd not ask the person who invited me outright before giving them an answer. To me, that's equivalent to telling them they aren't enough of a reason for you to attend.

I hope you can find some way round it all. There's just no point being friends with people who bring you down.

Maybe your friends are just very boring.

Some people are over the top about what's going on in their life.... like my sister.
I just check out.
Have enough to deal with in my own life as a solo mum.

People don’t get to really talk as much as they used to, and when you don’t get to talk the first thing that comes out is the bad stuff! I’d guess if you all met eg a second time the same week you’d talk about the more easygoing stuff!

OK, I misunderstood. The moaning does sound a bit awful then.

Did you have a partner and/pr other close family to support you? That makes a difference, and if they are both bereaved and alone, it's not surprising if they want to vent.

I feel conflicted - on one hand I can’t bear superficial surface level small talk, on the other hand if one of my friends had gone to the trouble of hosting a lovely Christmas evening with champagne then it is rude to drone on about issues and not enjoy the evening for what it is.

You had a festive night in mind, and it doesn’t sound like your friends were in the best place to be lighthearted.

If they are good friends let it go - and let someone else host for a bit. It’s disappointing.

I've noticed an increase in whinging.

Last meet up I said if they didn't stop being morbid I was going to flash my tits.

One stunned silence later, laughs were restored.

There's a time and a place. Yes have a quick vent if you need it, but meet ups are to lighten the load a bit. Laughter is the best medicine.

They sound like a bored bunch of 90 year old 😂

You can keep those, but you also need new friends, sporty, interesting, active.

Many 50 year old still are. Many people I know have pre-teens at that age, they don't have time to be old or behave like an elderly person.

And kids start going to uni when their parents are in their 60s, and they make the most of their new freedom.

It's 40 yo who are the most exhausted because they deal with babies and toddlers, but by 50 and 60s, they're back to full energy. Honestly, pick active hobbies and add new friends to your list.

What I thought were my Sophie Kinsella style humorous anecdotes others were perceiving as whinge I realised :) So there’s that too.

No one likes a moaner but these days tolerance seems much lower I’ve noticed.

Also 50s-60 notoriously ‘sniper alley’ in that serious illness can strike. Also parents dying.

I distanced myself from a friend from school for this. Her husband became seriously ill and there were issues with her children. We met every couple of months and would go on and on about things that were awful in her life. Initially, I felt sorry for her but when husband recovered, I realised I'd had enough. I was like an unpaid counsellor and I always felt dreadful after we'd met up. I tried steering the conversation in another direction once he was better, even said that I was trying to focus on the positives in life but she didn't pick up on it. She even said she was doing it too! Told me about a beauty treatment she'd had as an example and then it was back to the moaning.
Don't get me wrong, I have other friends with issues and have enough of my own but we have a chat but don't focus on the negative the entire night. And then I realised this had been the entire basis of our relationship since teens - my boyfriend won't commit, he doesn't want to marry me, he won't agree to the wedding I want, he doesn't want children, I hate my MIL. I wouldn't hear from her when times were good. Years and years when her sons were young. But when times were bad, she'd be in touch. Over thirty years of it. And she always give a cursory - how's your family and after my sentence of explanation, it was back to her. I never heard from her when my mother was dying or my husband was ill. Then when my dad was sick for years, total lack of interest. I just thought last year - I've had enough and became unavailable. I didn't bother to explain because I knew she would just turn it back into being my fault. She is very skilled at this and thinks because she is religious, she can't possibly do anything wrong. She is a total drain. I got a birthday card with a passive aggressive suggestion about meeting for a catch up, if that was what I wanted. Strangely enough, I don't.

Do you have any younger friends op?

Does this normally happen when you meet up? Or is it more a one-off, or at least unusual?

I'm 52 and my meet-ups with friends are normally much more fun and jokey. But there's been the occasional one where the conversation got into a more negative rut. It's hard to say why, exactly - just the chemistry was off that day (mix of people, or the moods that they were in, or the problems that were preoccupying them?).

Next time, maybe change the mix of people a bit, and head out somewhere for an upbeat atmosphere instead of staying at home (if their aching backs and knees and wallets will allow it!). The change of scene might put people in more of a party mood and give them something else to talk about. At the very least you won't have had to go to so much trouble with the catering!

I do understand now why my old relatives, complained about their health, aches and pains etc.Also a lot about who had just died, there was always someone in their circle who had just cacked it.
Age catches up with us all.However maybe see them seperately or mix them with other more upbeat neighbours ,friends.
Maybe mention it to them if you are close,that they were a bit miserable and you wanted it to be a fun time.

Try not to dwell on it. It's absolutely crass to talk about money. It shouldn't really matter who is wealthier than who, but if you find it awkward, avoid them

I lost both of my parents in my 20s and then my 30s. None of my friends had lost either parents by that age so noone I knew had gone through that yet. I didnt spend my entire time with my friends moaning constantly. Yes, I grieved and they supported me and I did the same for them when their time came with their parents but I didnt expect to trauma dump on them every single time I saw them. That is is not fair to anyone. They're friends, not therapists.

I was out with my friends last night, there was a bit of discussion about difficult issues, a few moans about Christmas organisation complications but what bothered me was the fact that everyone else’s children have left home and are increasingly successful, one friend was obviously never taught that its crass to talk about money and so I found out that her 25 year odd about to earn more than DH which I found myself thinking about at 3 in the morning.
i don’t think they realise quite how much more money they all have than me, it’s getting increasingly awkward.

I’ve got one friend like this and she’s better in small doses. My other friends, no, we have a good laugh and giggle and we are in our 50s

This is what I find! My friends have had their ups and downs, but my goodness we have our laughs! They're also incredibly kind and supportive. We chat about all sorts of things from current affairs and politics, books and films to fashion and style.

I hadn’t had much experience with female friendships for one reason or another but now I’m 46 and have made some female friends mostly older than me (50-65) and we have such a laugh! They are clever, funny, wise and take no shit from anyone in a variety of usually hilarious ways, I wish I’d made more effort in my earlier life, our meetings are always so uplifting. Maybe your group has got stuck in a moaning rut? Maybe try doing an activity together and not just chat? Might change the vibe.

I’d have been tempted to say seriously if you’re going to be misery itself why don’t you go home as this isn’t what tonight was meant to be! You’re making everyone utterly miserable and I’ve made a huge effort tonight with food and nice wine etc and all you can do is bloody moan and whinge!