Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

@1offnamechange oh, absolutely.. I just can't say how utterly brain-numbingly bored I was, within a group of mums talking about the merits of different branded baby vests.. it was 30 years ago & I still haven't got over it..

TBH the first time I started experiencing this was in mid 30s when friends started having kids. We went from having a right laugh every time we met up and talking about all sorts of things, from work, tv, politics, dating, culture, whatever, to how often someone's baby had pooed or what nursery they were applying for and why... all of which are boring as fuck before you have kids yourself (and tbh even after can be briefly useful/interesting but I'd still prefer to talk about literally anything else!)

I think this has context though. There are two types of moans:

1. Jokey moans, as in, you moan about your age but do it in a fun and comedic way. Kind of like observational comedy. That can be highly amusing and cathartic.
2. Depressing moans - as in "have you planned your funeral yet?" "life is just going to get worse and worse now you're 50, nothing to look forward to now at all, its just downhill forever"

Number 1 is funny and we can all relate. Number 2 is pointless and unnecessary and I would definitely dump someone who kept on with this narrative relentlessly

this reminds me of an evening a few years ago where my DS and a couple of other friends just couldn’t pull themselves out of this indulgent moan fest about men specifically. My DS can’t help herself if she wants to complain about stuff. She can either be very good or very bad company.

My mum is in her 70s and she now has a lot of friends in her 50s as a lot of her older friends have become this way!

Such a shame. Are they better individually? Were some worse than others? I hope they thanked you for a lovely evening.

Did you ever watch a tv series called Grumpy Old Men (and another called Grummpy Old Women)? Sometimes people just enjoy a good moan. Its possible your friends went home without any sense of having dragged you down; they possibly just thought they'd had a good venting session, and went home feeling lighthearted and refreshed!

When I am in my 70s, if this is what my friends are going to become then I will make younger friends. I'd actually rather be alone with my dog than in the company of misery mongers.

Having friends is meant to enrich your life, if all they are doing is making you feel more depressed, then I'd rather be alone.

Oh dear. Just wait until they are in their seventies. They really will moan and whinge all the time then! It makes it very difficult to continue the friendships. I am certain I have almost as many health problems as they, but I do not consider these suitable topics for conversation when there is so much going on in the world and so much to talk about.

If you hang around drug users eventually you will do drugs……this moment is a clarity event and it’s telling you something…..you are seeking something new, time to change things.

Urgh. What a grim bunch, I'd give them a swerve and I'm a pensioner knocking 70.

Me too.

Again, I got fucked off by someone who is a supposed friend who I wanted to give her her yearly Christmas present.....

Even had a lovelier surprise from a local here from Sudan going about his work and giving me a lovely chat and a mini Mars bar.

Life is wonderful.

Well no - while when my friends and I get together (we are 50s-60s) there’s a bit of moaning but generally a cheerful bunch.

Blimey. This is not normal. I am 52 but my two best friends are in their mid 60s and we have a little whinge and moan occasionally but we soon stop. I honestly hear nothing but grateful comments. We tend to go places - NT properties, country walks, Christmas markets. We aren't without our troubles but we don't dwell on them because we cheer each other up in difficult times.

Fortunately my main group of friends love a laugh and fun but other groups can be more whingey and serious.

I don’t have friends close by , they live an hour away and some live in other parts of the country so don’t see them often at all .
When we do meet ( ages are from 50-70 ) we are usually crying laughing 🤣
of course we might discuss the odd serious thing but mostly it’s fun

You sound like a lovely person who is generous and thoughtful. Listening to other people's problems and trying to find solutions can be a thankless task. Take time for yourself and think about your needs. Next time, don't offer any solutions just listen and leave it there, often people just want to express and nothing more.

in our 50s and every one has lost someone, worries about their kids, has illness etc it’s so normal to not be that interesting.

I think some people do get a little frisson talking about other peoples woes and that is the worst when it’s not even their own woes

I love it when friends find other things to talk about - gigs, theatre, travel anything - surely we should bring our best social selves to a lovely party like this.

I'm 54 and evenings with my 50 something friends are not like that, sorry! I don't think anyone really "moans" all the time though obviously I will sometimes spend one on one time with close friends talking about worries and problems.

My minor gripe about meeting up with small groups of friends these days is that it sometimes feels like we spend the whole time working through the list of our older teen/young adult children and giving an update on how each one is doing with uni/job hunt etc. At the end I want to see "what about US", how are WE doing? What are WE planning or enjoying? Again, obviously if my friend's main worry at the moment is her child's struggles, or indeed if she wants to share some good news, then I'm all ears. But as a routine conversation every time it is quite tedious...

Yep good old gallows humour. I’ve a friend who has two old dogs, one whom she adopted and has undoubtedly extended its life by years with her absolutely fantastic care for it. These dogs want for nothing However when asked what she is looking forward to in the next five years by quite an earnest person at a dinner recently she said for her teenager to have left home and the dogs to have died. This whilst putting chunks of steak in paper napkins to take home for them! That’s the kind of chat I want!

I get drained hearing about what funeral music some of my friends want . Ffs! In our fifties!
I limit time spent together now with certain old established friendship groups and when I do, I get board games going, to lighten the mood and change the miserable focus !!

Exactly. You can vent to close friends at appropriate moments. There’s no need to do it at a social gathering.

@1973vintage im a similar age to you and recently started going to the gym and classes at my local leisure centre. I’ve met a wonderful group of women, all in their sixties and they are a real boost. Their lives are so busy and they have so many hobbies, some are still working too. I think that maybe it’s a combination of age related issues like menopause and family changes that many deal with in their fifties, the realisation that you’re definitely on the down slope of life but with some pma and maybe HRT it can be a fantastic time too. Hope you find some more positive aspects to your friends hips and don’t let it drag you down.

Mmm…I am slightly older than you and with good friends who I saw yesterday we do all feel comfortable enough to talk to one another about what is going on in our lives including health issues including meno our own health partners and close family members health etc. Also ok to talk about concerns about a child, young adult, parents, ILs or siblings, problems with work, work colleagues or house renovations, downsizing to a bungalow lol, political issues etc. I wouldn’t look upon it as whingeing more getting together and all feeling comfortable talking, listening and supporting others about what is going on in our lives, showing an interest in others lives and putting the world to rights. But this is also interspersed with funny anecdotes, nice things that have happened (holidays, grand childrens lives for those that have them, nights out with other friends). We we do still have a laugh although often admittedly less so than we did when much younger.

I should add with some groups of friends the dynamics are different, we see each other less and we are more jokey, more fun less intense but then this is at much more of a superficial level and the friendships are less close and more surface level.

My god mum and partner 79 has a lot of much younger friends they are both young at heart and she says she prefers this as they are more fun don’t talk about health all the time. So maybe get younger or different friends if its all doom and gloom.

A friend having a vent is one thing.
The whole evening being a whinge fest about petty annoyances and general negativity is wearing and a buzz kill.
Empathising with a friend having a really difficult time is a whole other thing.