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Original poster

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

192 replies

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:02

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

OP posts:
DBD1975 · 13/12/2025 08:57

francii · 12/12/2025 23:05

YABU. A 90 year old man is very unlikely to grasp the severity of a complex situation and is probably just sad thinking about you and your DD in a tough situation. I’m not judging as I was very close to a similar situation with my DD years ago and also had police involvement so I’m not doubting how awful you are feeling. But you’re letting your emotions get the better of you on this one.

This totally, all the 90 year old will want to do is try and make the situation better but they won't really understand or know how to do so.
They will feel helpless but no doubt having sleepless nights over it all, a dreadfully sad situation for all concerned.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 08:55

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 07:53

have absolutely no wish for the police to drop the case.
even if she ends up in prison? How old is she?

Young enough for it all to be desperately desperately sad. Old enough and smart enough for her to have known exactly what she was doing. Ultimately she chose to do it having had any number of occasions to have not done it, or thought "maybe just maybe this is a bad idea". There are very good reasons for it to have been reported.

I didn't chose for any of this to happen. It's just the inevitable consequences of her actions.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 13/12/2025 08:54

You were very angry.
What was the situation outside your house?

Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 08:49

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

Not without sticking your oar in though to comment on a situation the OP is clearly upset about. Why are people like this? Did that post make you feel better about yourself?

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 08:42

Pipsquiggle · 13/12/2025 07:21

Hope you are ok @Icedlatteplease

Sounds like it is a very tough situation.

The problem seems to me that your DD has told the rest of the family 'her truth' of what has happened. Sounds like she is getting the support from the family and she is framing it that you are the problem.

If this gets to court, you will get the opportunity to say what happened from your point of view and it will be on record. The magistrate will decide on if there is any wrongdoing.

If this doesn't get to court, do you have a plan of how you want your family to know your side of the story? At this point it may be too late, your DD might have done enough damage already
Personally, I would be having a quiet word with your cousin and gently reminding that although your uncle has good intentions, he shouldn't be taken in by your DD.

Yes thats was exactly what was happening.

Although mostly the family support i cared for is my mum and dad, i was missing them terribly. They did finally contact me when they realized this wasn't all going to be suddenly dismissed by the police and might take years to get to court. Or because they were going to look pretty foolish if it turned out there was a guilty verdict and theyd told everyone it was my fault and i wasnt welcome because of what I'd done to her.

We Are now nominally cool but funnily enough neither of us have bothered to make contact since last we spoke. I thought I'd feel differently if we could only talk. Turns out damage is already done i think.

Honestly I don't think i care much for my wider family. It maybe took this incident for me to realise how little impact they had on my life. Having a word with my cousin is about the only sensible thing to do but I realise don't even have a direct method of contacting him we are that close. We normally would meet at the gatherings at my Parents house, I missed the summer one and I'm guessing they've just been told the Christmas one is not happening "due the the situation with icedlatteplease and her daughter" hence the card

There's a few closer family members I'm trying to sort through with. But in my heart of hearts I think that for my sons sake. I think I probably would have just quietly left the metaphorical family table

OP posts:
UnhappyHobbit · 13/12/2025 08:41

PInkyStarfish · 12/12/2025 23:34

You have a lot of anger. It’s just a card sent with good meaning from someone who cares about you but sadly it backfired on him as he didn’t grasp the high emotions that you are dealing with at this time.

It is obviously a very serious situation if the police are involved and unfortunately for you and others that are estranged from loved ones or bereaved, Christmas is all about happy families being together.

Try to find some peace within yourself. Find the time to get to a place of beauty and just be. Leave your troubles at home and embrace being outside. Breathe in the fresh air and let the weight lift off your shoulders. A bracing walk and you’ll return home feeling calmer and better able to deal with emotions and problems that other people cause.

…………..
‘When the mind is festering with trouble or the heart torn, we can find healing among the silence of mountains or fields, or listen to the simple, steadying rhythm of waves. The slowness and stillness gradually takes us over. Our breathing deepens and our hearts calm and our hungers relent. When serenity is restored, new perspectives open to us and difficulty can begin to seem like an invitation to new growth.

This invitation to friendship with nature does of course entail a willingness to be alone out there. Yet this aloneness is anything but lonely. Solitude gradually clarifies the heart until a true tranquility is reached. The irony is that at the heart of that aloneness you feel intimately connected with the world. Indeed, the beauty of nature is often the wisest balm for it gently relieves and releases the caged mind.’

JOHN O'DONOHUE

This is so lovely. Thank you for sharing ❤️

pictoosh · 13/12/2025 08:37

Only you know the context of the card. Certainly have your rant, I don't mind swearing at all.

Do think it's hard for any of us to firmly find in your favour on this as we don't have any context. It seems like a well-meant and possibly impulsive gesture.

mhsonissues · 13/12/2025 08:29

It’s hard to have an opinion as you don’t say what happened (appreciate you can’t if it’s a police matter). But having been in a similar situation myself I’m holding back on judging either side as we haven’t heard your dd side.

Landlubber2019 · 13/12/2025 08:24

@Icedlatteplease put the card in the bin and stop ruminating about it. You've said you will bin it eventually, why wait ? What purpose does keeping it serve?

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 08:15

Netcurtainnelly · 13/12/2025 01:53

God's sake calm down. All.your swearing is unnecessary and horrible to read.

Its possible to be angry but not use all your foul language.

You need to calm.yourself.
Leave the 90.year old man alone. He's only doing what he thinks is best. He's not you and dosent understand what your going through.

You dont have to react at all, or retaliate.
Put it in the bin and forget it.
Not everybody understands us or agrees with us in life and that's OK.

Just scroll by this one @Icedlatteplease. Many people are very uncomfortable with other people showing strong emotions, big emotions makes these types feel uncomfortable so they come on random internet sites to scold and shame people for how they emote. It is their personal problem though so just ignore.

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 08:13

Where is dd living now? Is she a young teen too? It seems you’re annoyed at family for not doing stuff for your ds, but siding with her, is there a possibility you favour him and that they think they’re equalising things? Surely they must know what you’re accusing dd of as she’s been arrested?

Quitelikeit · 13/12/2025 08:13

Has she committed vile crimes against children? Or stolen thousands of pounds from a family member?

The card is neither here nor there. He is 90, he has no clue what the situation is and you know the card was not sent with malicious intent

You wouldn’t be the first parent to turn your child in to the police and nor will you be the last

Im sure she will understand why you have done it

TheLittleGreenFairy · 13/12/2025 08:10

I don't mind the swearing and can understand how hard family estrangement is. Don't be disheartened OP there will always be people who get you and people who judge no matter how you live your life so you might as well live the way that's right for you. Ignore the people who don't understand, there's no obligation to explain yourself to people and it would likely be a waste of energy to try.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 08:04

Thunderpants88 · 13/12/2025 04:39

Don’t be the winged embarrassing person who posts drama / loaded “quotes” on FB. It’s attention seeking and immature

It was but I needed something specific to happen and as a result it did. It was a calculated gamble but not one I care to repeat.

Hence why this is on my anonymous social media. There is no benefit to me or anyone my doing anything about this. But that's bloody frustrating.

I appreciate EVERY fucking post that reminds me of this and to put the card in the bin.

OP posts:
TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 13/12/2025 07:58

I just want to say I really hope the situation between you and your daughter improves. It's heartbreaking. Obviously every story is different, but I had to call the police when my teenage daughter assaulted me. With hindsight, it was a turning point. Nearly 10 years later and we have an amazing relationship.

speakball · 13/12/2025 07:58

At 90 he should have seen enough life to know we know jack shit about other peoples lives. Seems he feels he is doing his little bit for the patriarchy by keeping the womens in line. Audacious doesn’t come close. Prick

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I said do not know if they are going to prosecute not that it is unlikely.

Ah yes unhinged because I'm upset and swear

On mumsnet

Where it is both anonymous and safe to do so

Definitely unhinged releasing anger in a safe forum. 🙄

OP posts:
MrsLizzieDarcy · 13/12/2025 07:53

I'm estranged from my sister OP, and it's something I should have done decades ago. When our father died, it was hell on earth having to deal with her - and I had phone calls from "well meaning" family members who didn't have a clue about what I'd had to deal with from her over the years. So I'm now estranged from them too.

My peace of mind is far more valuable than contact with them. Sometimes you just have to "chuck it in the fuck it bin" and move on. Never put your sanity before the needs of anyone than yourself.

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 07:53

have absolutely no wish for the police to drop the case.
even if she ends up in prison? How old is she?

Elsvieta · 13/12/2025 07:52

It sounds like you need to tell your family members exactly what your DD did and why the estrangement happened. (Doesn't have to be on sm for all the world to see). Or her version of events will be the one they believe. It's rough, but you can't really not tell them the truth and then complain they don't know it. As for the card, bin it and try to forget. People who are nearing the end of their lives very often just want to see rifts healed and families happy. And the old man doesn't have all the info here - he really doesn't understand why it's not possible. If you never see him anyway, just try to forget him.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 07:49

CarlaLemarchant · 13/12/2025 04:14

Problem is OP, you say you put something on Facebook that your parents then felt the need to clarify the situation with the wider family. So maybe take some responsibility there. Your parents spoke to the family because you’re posting on social media about what should be an incredibly private matter. Your elderly uncle has then overstepped with the Christmas card which just needs to be ignored.

Say for example your daughter assaulted you or smashed up the house and you had to call the police and she was arrested, you made a statement and she now has bail conditions not to contact you. Whilst it it may be a police/cps decision to prosecute, if you no longer want to pursue the complaint or go to court, you can tell them that and your views will be taken into account.

That wasn't a problem that was deliberate. It sorted a couple of issues that weren't going to sort otherwise.

Your timeline is wrong. They were telling people I was nuts from waaaay before the Facebook post.

I have absolutely no wish for the police to drop the case.

OP posts:
ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 07:49

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:27

You are right. I do just need to bin it. I will do. Eventually

But it has got me so fucking angry.

It's my fucking parents. What the fuck do they expect to happen when the lie to everyone about what happened. They sprout crap about the importance of family. "All the family think blah blah blah" It's fucking embarrassing. If they think that , that's because you told them. And the only reason your even vaguely fucking talking to me is because I put a Facebook post up and now you need to save face.

What was your fb post? Was it one of these types of memes?

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related
Idontjetwashthefucker · 13/12/2025 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Don't be such an arsehole eh?

GeminiGiggles · 13/12/2025 07:35

The problem with going NC (for any reason, with anyone but particularly family) is people who know nothing about how far you have to be pushed to do so want the world to be right and "but family".

I have been NC not even by my choice really for nearly 2 decades and still people pop up asking me to make amends. You just have to ignore it even though it's so freaking hard. One person I explained thoroughly the situation and they still message me when they don't hear from the one I'm NC with 🙄

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