How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

I've been estranged from my mother for 6 years, i have managed to do it without ever

1.posting on social media (other than to discuss on anonymous forums)
2.telling other family members what to do, including my mother
3.involving the police

the tone of your post and the actions you describe, sounds like you, OP, are very much part of if not the cause of this problem.

File unsolicited or passive aggresive cards and letter in the recycling bin, and act like someone who family can respect and come back to in their own time if they wish.

Are you sure it is your uncle? If it was anonymous it could be someone else, a well meaning (twat) of a family friend? Unless you recognise the handwriting or something gives it away?

I wouldn’t contact the cousin, if it wasn’t your uncle it could add to the IcedLattePlease is unhinged story.

You sound like you are missing your family, could you arrange a meet up with your parents, somewhere neutral and public (it helps keep emotions in check a bit) to exchange Christmas presents so you can talk in person, too much is lost over the phone / writing?

Anger is a normal protective emotion but it can can build and build and start consuming you. If venting here isn’t enough and you find it is preventing you living your life then reach out for support.

You are in a desperately sad situation and it must be very hard. But I think you’re focusing your anger wrongly. Your very elderly uncle clearly had good intentions, even though his action was misplaced because he doesn’t understand the full situation. But how could he if you haven’t told him or the rest of your family, and they've only heard your daughter’s version of events?

If you want people to understand the full situation you’re going to have to tell them, or at least explain it to your parents and ask them to pass it on to the rest of the family. It’s no good saying you don’t care, because you obviously do.

I understand your anger but there’s no future in creating a storm about this - for your own mental health and that of your son, you must let it go ie bin it and ignore. Rise above it!

I am estranged from most of my mother‘s side of the family (but not my mother, who is also estranged from the same people.)
It‘s very normal for people to be lied to and key elements omitted in these situations. It absolutely hurts like hell to be treated this way and lied about and treated like a pariah when you’re the one who has been wronged. You are right to feel furious and incredulous - I sympathise. It’s very hard not being able to do anything with the anger that comes with the huge injustice. Get a punch bag? As hard as it is and with hindsight, it’s better to not respond/ give them a reaction and to stay out of this drama triangle they’re trying to drag you into. This is between you and your daughter/ the authorities. Sides are not inevitable.
Im 19 years on and have experienced some healing.
Ultimately I came to find it mildly amusing that people who had been fed half truths and lies were stomping around behaving as they were and saying what they were. It took a long time, but I now think it’s funny that these people have got it so wrong and ultimately made fools of themselves. Their loss.
You have to give it time, be kind to yourself and grieve for your relationship with your daughter. Keep those you trust close.
Sending love and strength.

Don't bin the card, burn it. As it goes up in smoke let some of your anger rise with it.

And then stamp on the ashes.

Honestly, I have found burning to be a far better way of dealing with unwanted mail contacts, because there is no trace left.

The amount of anger you have is pretty scary. Maybe that is why he sent a Christmas card? He was trying to be a peacemaker, he probably shouldn’t have bothered, but given that this is your reaction to a card, if I was 90 years old I wouldn’t try to say it to your face either.

It’s not about being petty it’s about letting anger consume you and the ongoing problems causing you stress.

Its hard to let go of things when you are in this state of mind and it’s taking up all the space in your mind and may present as physical symptoms such as IBS, insomnia, fatigue, bad skin and all manner of health problems when you are full of stress.

It sounds like some of the rifts and problems can’t be rectified so you have to try and let go of the emotions that are twisting you in knots and find some peace within yourself otherwise you are going to make yourself really ill.

‘Be kind to yourself’ is a bit of a trite phrase that I dislike but you do need to spend some time on finding ways to soothe your soul.

Op this isn’t really about the card is it? You’ve been through such a hard time feeling misunderstood, unsupported and generally abandoned. This must have caused you a lot of pain and hurt. Strong strong feelings. The intensity of your anger probably indicates the intensity of the pain. Once the red mist has passed see if you can find a therapist to help you find a way to sit with the pain, to witness the hurt and to hear your story. Only then can some true healing happen for you. Otherwise relatively mild niggles- like the card- rub up against the gaping wound and trigger these types of intense response. I really feel for you.

We need more context.

He’s a concerned old man who maybe feels he has a bit of the perspective and wisdom that can come with age. But he hasn’t got the full picture - and he doesn’t know that.

You are obviously very upset. I hope that you can get it out of your system and then take a step back. What you’re REALLY (probably - i’d guess) dreadfully upset about is the desperately sad and difficult situation with your daughter, not a stupid (but likely well-meant) message in a card.

I hope things with your daughter move in the right direction. Wish you peace, OP.

Exactly.

I agree with the posts that say elderly uncle isnt as innocent as some imagine him to be.

To me he seems interfering, manipulative and may have a superiority complex by tut tutting at others. I could never imagine sending a relative of mine a card like that. Boundaries crossed.

This sounds so hard and I can see why you are feeling angry. I just wanted to add one thought. I wonder if as your uncle is 90, somebody might have put pressure on him to write the card?

This all sounds really painful OP, and in the midst of a dysfunctional family. Tribal feuding and taking sides etc, while not being there for you when needed.

And don’t fall for ‘poor ancient little old man’ uncle. My 96 yo aunt is sharp as a tack and acts forcefully (and malevolently) under her own steam.

Of course his fucking card would make you angry.

In the bin, let your fury run its course , then start gently telling your cousin / parents / other family members how very painful this is. As in the situation with your Dd, not the family drama - don’t feed that at all.

And for the very distant future don’t be 100% sure that one day your DD might not be able to come to you with an answer to ‘what the flying fuck were you thinking?’

Young people make startlingly bad decisions sometimes and time, age and reflection enables them to realise that.

I think it helps them with their feelings of superiority.

Anyone who cannot see the deep, deep pain and suffering of the OP under her anger has a very shallow emotional level and really should not bother commenting.

Anyone can acknowledge losing a child is horrific, losing a child because of their own actions and because they are unwilling to take responsibility for those actions is a special kind of deep loss and pain. Sometimes anger is a part of that grieving process. It saves from the pain just a little bit.

Judging the OP for how she is handling that deep pain is just cruel and says more about the person who is doing it’s own lacking than anything that the OP is lacking.

Is there any possibility that it was a neighbour, or some busybody in the neighbourhood, that sent the card? You may be overthinking it. It's possible it wasn't a family member at all. I'm so sorry about your situation, it really sucks, our family went through a similar thing. Treat yourself to some nice cake or ice cream.