How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

I find this way if thinking bizarre tbh. If, god forbid, an adult child of mine was guilty of child sexual abuse I would be ringing the police immediately.

Same if they killed someone, or stole loads of money from an elderly relative, or were abusing their spouse or... well, any number of things.

Maybe I'd still love them, but I wouldn't like them and I wouldn't let them get away with heinous acts just because they're my child. I would visit them in prison though.

Sorry for what you are going through. I think posts like this people need/want the full picture to get a proper understanding and I appreciate that you can't discuss it here.

People have their limits and we're all different and this is why it can be difficult to understand how serious or not things are, I have one thing that is unforgivable just like most people have.

Your elderly uncle from my perspective is he was trying to help, when people get to a certain age their thinking changes, you need to understand that he is getting your daughter's side (from your parents), that is all he has to go on. I always say there's 3 sides to every story, side 1, side 2 and the truth.

Sometimes when things happen I really think that families shouldn't hide things, not give the full and correct information and just hope that everyone understands, this is impossible without all sides giving their side of things. Withholding information from your family is only going to anger you, yes it's probably none of his business but at the end of the day he's part of all your lives he's family and I think it is important that he has both sides whether you do that directly or through your cousin.

Just put the card in the bin and assure yourself that it was probably sent with good intentions rather than out of spite or badness. And forget it.

My neighbour reported her GD to the police and the family never forgave her. Honour amongst thieves sort of thing. You are angry but you also have a part to play in this being the parent. The only resolution will be to communicate but i suspect you are all too far gone. Elderly relatives like to feel they are oracles in these situations but more times than not you discover a whole bag of shit in their relationships too

Hmmm not sure. Being so close to death puts most of life's dramas into a whole new perspective.

OP, I don't blame you at all. So what if he's 90? Old buzzard needs to wind his neck in. As for all the pearl clutchers on here, have a day off. Good lord.

OP you do come across as aggressive but, like PP, I also feel that the anger you have against your 90 year old uncle sending you an (unwanted) message via a Christmas card is more the frustration about the situation you find yourself in with regard to your daughter as well as the misconceptions of your wider family. Just burn the card now, go LC and get yourself some therapy ASAP.

I know exactly what it is like to have my wider family believe the 'truth' spouted by my narcissistic mother and was estranged from them all for many, many years. Only recently (and long since said mother's death) have I reconciled with a couple of my cousins.

From my reading the estrangement is due to her daughter not being happy about the OP involving the police. It is in her daughter’s hands whether they have a relationship or not because she would have to take responsibility for her actions.

What was the Facebook post?

If it was anonymous, how are you sure it’s from your uncle?
The whole situation sounds desperately sad and difficult though.
Not on the same scale as your situation but I’d had issues with my FIL and his witch of a wife and on Christmas morning, there was a Christmas card in with the kid’s well thought out Argos vouchers (🙄) written to my husband and the children but no mention of me. Fine, couldn’t care less but there was also a party invitation to the three of them and not me! On Christmas morning when my children were still quite young. The fuckers. So what I’m saying, is I know how it feels to receive something nasty and have the wind taken out of your sails.

Sorry I am going against the grain .but nothing my children have done nor will ever do would make me estranged from them .I would always find it in my heart to forgive them .even the worst kind of crime .but I know everyone is different..if she is young find it in your heart to forgive her because if not you will be heartbroken .always always a bit missing. Her .future grandchildren a whole side of your life missing..although I do understand teenagers and young adults can be challenging

Everyone thinks everything is so simple if they are not involved in it or it suits them for it to be simple to fix. How dare they.

I had this with my DMs family. It was just how she was and I should try harder. They wouldn't help of course. That bit was none of their business. Right you are. She dispatched others with her fake concern to find stuff out. When it happened to them for a little (and they weren't living with the soulless bitch) it was different. Not easy at all.

I'd be tempted to send it to your cousin and let them deal with it.

Oh god @Icedlatteplease that must have been incredibly difficult to have come home to.

I'm not sure why people are demanding to know details, the bottom line is if the police are involved and you may end up as a witness for the prosecution it must be pretty bad

No mother wants to have to do that to their own child.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this unsupported.

Ultimately though, however much af a cunt your uncle has been, yelling at him will only make the overall situation a whole lot worse and leave you far more isolated than you are currently. Quiet dignity is the best course here. They will all look very stupid when the truth comes out.

Find an appropriate outlet for your anger and then let it go. The greatest advice I was ever given was that you cannot control other people's actions, only your response to them.

Good luck op!

Wow so many judgy pp. None of you know what's happened to op with her daughter and frankly you don't need to know.
The issue is family members interfering when they don't have the facts.
It's quite simple to just say that they are thinkiping of them at this difficult time and wait for it to be resolved.
I hope you find peace op.

You are going through a very difficult time, and venting on Mumsnet is accepted practice.

I don’t think it’s relevant to know what has happened, just that in this moment you are in pain and need some support.

It may be in fact that if one of us was in your exact shoes, we would react differently from you, but we are not you, and you are dealing with this shit show the best way you can.

I can see the card was something that has really wasn’t necessary and has caused you huge anguish and grief.

I have been in a similar situation when my view of something was not taken seriously by others and all I could do was take comfort from the people around me did and could empathise and understand the grief I was going through.

I hope you have enough positive responses from this thread to help in this moment, and that you can survive this well enough to get through the rest of your day.

Regardless of the whys and wherefore, you have my every sympathy.

Could be worse, imagine if your uncle was ten years younger and President of the USA. With those unsecret squirrel, diplomatic skills the whole world could be angry.

It must be so hard trying to balance the broader 'family' with your son's possible future needs for kin, your past relationship and the relationship with your daughter. Chuck Christmas emotional bullshit in to that and it's a perfect storm.

Stay off Facebook. Stuck to sweary old Mumsnet.

I wouldn't care to tell these particular family members even if I could, it none of their business.

But I thought you said the reason you weren’t telling them was that you didn’t have their contact details.

Entirely up to you, of course, but if it were me I would want to make sure everyone who had heard my daughter's side of the story also got to hear my side, or at least as much as I was able to share. If you don’t feel the same way, fine, but you can’t then complain if people only know a one-sided version of events.