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Original poster

Husband sharing pics when I have asked him not to

112 replies

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 22:51

I hate having my photo taken, and always have, as far back as I can remember, whether I looked great, or looked awful. I think part of it might stem from my mum who had a horrible habit off taking photos unexpectedly that always made me look like shit, and then being argumentatively crappy about it if I asked her to stop it. She would launch into a big lecture about me being vain - but in fact it was the absolute opposite I also had really low self esteem about my looks for a long time. It's not that I am vain, I just hate being reminded of all my flaws.

But it I do let people take pictures of me, there are a few every year, family gatherings and whatnot, and even upload a few to a shared group on Google photos.

I have asked my husband repeatedly, for years, not to share pictures of me without letting me see them first. He does it maybe three times a year, it's not all the time. But I want it to be zero times. I want him only to share photos of me if he lets me see them first and say no if I hate them.

And I always find one picture that I can stand and say yes to that. I never exactly like them, but there will be one that's ok that I will say yep, ok, you can send that.

Once, I actually tried embarrassing him into stopping, he uploaded some fugly pictures to a group chat with another family member and I actually posted "I have asked you not to share photos of me without my consent many times. Please stop doing this". He did stop sharing to group chat at least.

I just found out that he has sent another Moonpig card to his mum, as he does every year - if you don't know, Moonpig lets you upload photos to the card, prints it off and posts it to your recipient.

He casually mentioned it and I said I hope you didn't send a picture of me without me seeing it. He admitted he had, said it was a good picture and I said "But why didn't you ask me?" He said "You would have said no". I said that is the point of consent, I have the right to say no.

As it happens, the picture he shared is the one I would have picked, it's ok. But am I wrong to think that is just not the point, at all? I do not say no to all pictures, I would if I thought that was reasonable, but I understand a few pictures a year is probably something I just have to tolerate.

I just want to see them before he sends them and have the right to say no.

How do I get him to stop doing this and understand how wrong it is to keep doing this to someone?

Surely his reasons for upsetting me don't trump my reasons for wanting him to stop? Surely it is my right to ask my own husband to respect my wish to veto photos of myself shared by him? AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 13/12/2025 09:24

Irememberwhenitwasallfieldsroundhere · 12/12/2025 23:01

Get a grip

OP is perfectly right not to want anyone to share pictures of her without her consent. Even if she looked like Marie Helvin and he was as talented as David Bailey.

You ought to get a grip yourself and understand what consent means

@Wandavision2025 i am the same as you for various reasons. I tend to leave my hand in front of my face, or a cup/glass/something as soon as i see someone wave a camera in my vicinity. It is a pain in the neck

PollyBell · 13/12/2025 09:24

tripleginandtonic · 13/12/2025 09:22

I think yabu. And yes, vain. Why do you get to decide what he shares with his mum on her birthday?

Yes it all sounds very controlling

tripleginandtonic · 13/12/2025 09:22

I think yabu. And yes, vain. Why do you get to decide what he shares with his mum on her birthday?

Lmnop22 · 13/12/2025 09:21

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:12

Me having to look at a photo of myself once to say yes or no is not fun, but it's tolerable. Me having to look at the picture on her mantlepiece that she posted on Facebook is worse.

It is also that I hate the thought of other people being reminded of my flaws, and seeing them printed off, which I should have mentioned.

And it's also that I have asked him not to do this over and over and this is the most recent example of this. And that when I said why didn't you ask me his response was "because you would have said no". Which is not actually true, I would have said "let me choose the picture".

I do not understand why you think it is funny and ridiculous that my husband has gone against my expressly repeated request and will not just allow me to choose which pictures he shares?

I am not goading, I actually want to try to understand.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s just impractical. He takes a snap of you and family members and wants to send to a WhatsApp group of family members that live abroad to update them on what’s been going on - but you’re at work or whatever - so he has to text you a load of potential pictures and then wait for your approval of which one he can send? What if he prefers what he or other family members look like in other pictures? What if everyone asked to vet them and he could never get a consensus?

I hate pictures of me too so I really do sympathise, I am not a photogenic person. But unless these pictures are actually embarrassing like you’re stuffing your face with a bite of food or your skirt has blown up or you’ve had a wardrobe malfunction, I think it’s too much to censor what family updates he sends to his relatives based on your hair being slightly shinier in x photo or your face looking slightly slimmer in y photo.

This is a self esteem issue not a DH issue

PInkyStarfish · 13/12/2025 09:14

You have a massive problem and it causes you anxiety. He is in the wrong to carry on doing something you have asked him not to and is disrespecting your wishes.

However, continuously pandering to someone with an issue like this must be annoying and frustrating. He loves you, your family love you and your lack of self esteem is creating the problems not your husband.

Katemax82 · 13/12/2025 09:10

My husband is the same, only he always shares pictures/videos of our house when it's a pigsty like he's trying to make me look bad. He sent a pic of a bottle of cream liqueur we tried that was really nice but it was next to a huge spillage of gravy in the kitchen side after roast dinner. So I put the bottle next to the cooker which had a mountain of dirty pans/dishes waiting to be washed piles up, too a pic and said to him I'm surprised you did share this

Celestialmoods · 13/12/2025 08:47

You are asking for an unreasonable thing. Your issue is irrational, it’s is not a real problem, it exists only in your head, and it is not fair for your irrational feeling to dictate or restrict normal behaviour in other people.

A man who shares photos of his family is a man who loves his family. Don’t spoil the good things in your life.

Evaka · 13/12/2025 07:13

Sounds like he's being uncaring but also that this has become huge in your mind. No one cares what you look like OP except you, and the less you care yourself the happier you'll be. I'm not being flippant x

PermanentTemporary · 13/12/2025 07:09

I’m really shocked at the results of the poll. But there was another thread about something about social media recently and I was shocked by that as well.

Yes. You’re not being unreasonable. Images of you belong to you and shouldn’t be shared with others without your consent. I don’t think anyone should have to be in photos who doesn’t want to be, either. Can’t stand the obligatory group shots at all social events. DP is a bit of a picture hound but has learned very quickly to keep me in the loop about pictures, he’s considerate.

The question to your Dh is why he does this? Why does he keep ignoring your request? That’s the mystery to me, not your feelings.

Icanflyhigh · 13/12/2025 07:02

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:01

In what way do I not have a grip? Could you clarify please?

Show quote history

You sound unhinged. As if anyone actually (apart from you) gives a flying fuck what you look like in a picture.
Genuinely, there are bigger issues here.

Brendahollowayjustlookwhatyouhavedone · 13/12/2025 06:58

Op has asked him not to do something that bothers her,he should respect that.
End of.

MissNowt · 13/12/2025 06:57

I’m 100% with you @Wandavision2025. Shocked that most other people in the poll disagree. 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s your face & you should always have a right of veto. I can’t blame you for being furious with him.

firstofallimadelight · 13/12/2025 06:22

I get that to you this is a real thing but to most people (including your dh ) it’s not a big deal. Have you had therapy to work on your esteem issues? I do get where you are coming from my sister hates her photo being taken which I think stems from childhood and parents doing it at a time when she was self conscious of her looks. It’s sad your dh is dismissive of your feelings. maybe if you feel it’s something you can’t work on it would be easier to not let him photograph you if you can’t trust him.

Original poster
Wandavision2025 · 13/12/2025 00:00

Thank you for your replies, i will check back later, and am genuinely willing to listen to opposing views, do not want to sound like I am just arguing, so apologise if I sounded a bit dogmatic in my responses.

OP posts:
IsadoraBathrobe · 12/12/2025 23:49

OP it doesn’t matter why you don’t like sharing the pics. You’ve asked him not to. He shouldn’t do it. End of.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 12/12/2025 23:38

vitalityvix · 12/12/2025 23:19

How is your self esteem now? I have never known anyone be this uptight when it comes to meticulously controlling innocent images. Posting unflattering images to social media would be one thing but getting cross about a photo on a birthday card to his mother?

That said, we all have our little quirks and it isn’t hard to just show you the photos first as he knows it means so much to you. If it was my DH I’d respect his wishes even if I didn’t understand them.

I almost always refuse to have my photo taken. I don’t like how I look in photos and so choose not to have any taken. There’s a couple where I’ve allowed it on special occasions, but if I were to go missing my family would struggle to find a photo to give the police for identification!

My self esteem is generally good though. I feel that I look good in real life and I’m confident in my personality and ability to do my job. I’m not particularly vain (don’t wear make up, don’t blow dry my hair etc). Some of us are simply very un-photogenic and our boundaries should be respected.

InterestedDad37 · 12/12/2025 23:37

My ex asked me to never share photos of her on social media. I respected that, and didn't, after she asked. But then I'd get (her) friends asking why I never shared photos of her. So I told them she asked me not to 😀 Which she didn't like me saying. 🤷
I guess I'm saying husband should absolutely respect your wishes, but allow him to say why if/when he's asked why he doesn't share more.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 12/12/2025 23:34

You are not unreasonable at all. Have you spoken to him about how this damages your trust in him and therefore your marriage? I’m not saying it’s a dealbreaker but it chips away at the foundations.

Original poster
Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:27

vitalityvix · 12/12/2025 23:19

How is your self esteem now? I have never known anyone be this uptight when it comes to meticulously controlling innocent images. Posting unflattering images to social media would be one thing but getting cross about a photo on a birthday card to his mother?

That said, we all have our little quirks and it isn’t hard to just show you the photos first as he knows it means so much to you. If it was my DH I’d respect his wishes even if I didn’t understand them.

I don't like the way I look, at all. I just don't think about it much in real life, and it does not stop me doing anything, I have an active life, reasonable job, get out and about. I just don't like being reminded how I look.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:26

IsadoraBathrobe · 12/12/2025 23:19

YANBU OP. This is so disrespectful. Does he ignore other boundaries you put in place?

I can't think of any other specific times he has gone against my pretty clear wishes, nothing is coming to mind, but he can be thoughtless and just barrel ahead with things sometimes without thinking of consequences.

I think maybe he just does not understand what a big deal it is to me, but I don't think that should matter, if someone says don't do that, and it doesn't hurt you to stop, I think you should stop. I don't know, maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it , I just can't decide if I am being unreasonable :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:23

Alittlefrustrated · 12/12/2025 23:22

YANBU OP. I have FFA, a type of alopecia , and look awful on photos. I am constantly made to feel unreasonable, for not wanting my photo took, by friends.
I'm out tomorrow, and I plan to stand my ground.
I'd be furious if my DP did this.

I'm actually really upset about it. He has apologised now, but what difference does that make if I can't trust him not to do it again?

I am sorry people pressure you like this, it's very unkind.

OP posts:
Alittlefrustrated · 12/12/2025 23:22

YANBU OP. I have FFA, a type of alopecia , and look awful on photos. I am constantly made to feel unreasonable, for not wanting my photo took, by friends.
I'm out tomorrow, and I plan to stand my ground.
I'd be furious if my DP did this.

vitalityvix · 12/12/2025 23:19

How is your self esteem now? I have never known anyone be this uptight when it comes to meticulously controlling innocent images. Posting unflattering images to social media would be one thing but getting cross about a photo on a birthday card to his mother?

That said, we all have our little quirks and it isn’t hard to just show you the photos first as he knows it means so much to you. If it was my DH I’d respect his wishes even if I didn’t understand them.

IsadoraBathrobe · 12/12/2025 23:19

YANBU OP. This is so disrespectful. Does he ignore other boundaries you put in place?

Original poster
Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:13

Bluejaysforthewin · 12/12/2025 23:10

I can understand not wanting him to share pics on social media or in group chats but I think yabu about a family picture on a card to his mum.

Ok, but the picture is now printed and will be seen by anybody who visits. I find it upsetting that he chose to do that against my wishes. The picture is actually ok, I would have chosen it. But it's the fact that he just didn't care how I felt and did it anyway that is upsetting to me.

OP posts: