Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sharing pics when I have asked him not to

112 replies

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 22:51

I hate having my photo taken, and always have, as far back as I can remember, whether I looked great, or looked awful. I think part of it might stem from my mum who had a horrible habit off taking photos unexpectedly that always made me look like shit, and then being argumentatively crappy about it if I asked her to stop it. She would launch into a big lecture about me being vain - but in fact it was the absolute opposite I also had really low self esteem about my looks for a long time. It's not that I am vain, I just hate being reminded of all my flaws.

But it I do let people take pictures of me, there are a few every year, family gatherings and whatnot, and even upload a few to a shared group on Google photos.

I have asked my husband repeatedly, for years, not to share pictures of me without letting me see them first. He does it maybe three times a year, it's not all the time. But I want it to be zero times. I want him only to share photos of me if he lets me see them first and say no if I hate them.

And I always find one picture that I can stand and say yes to that. I never exactly like them, but there will be one that's ok that I will say yep, ok, you can send that.

Once, I actually tried embarrassing him into stopping, he uploaded some fugly pictures to a group chat with another family member and I actually posted "I have asked you not to share photos of me without my consent many times. Please stop doing this". He did stop sharing to group chat at least.

I just found out that he has sent another Moonpig card to his mum, as he does every year - if you don't know, Moonpig lets you upload photos to the card, prints it off and posts it to your recipient.

He casually mentioned it and I said I hope you didn't send a picture of me without me seeing it. He admitted he had, said it was a good picture and I said "But why didn't you ask me?" He said "You would have said no". I said that is the point of consent, I have the right to say no.

As it happens, the picture he shared is the one I would have picked, it's ok. But am I wrong to think that is just not the point, at all? I do not say no to all pictures, I would if I thought that was reasonable, but I understand a few pictures a year is probably something I just have to tolerate.

I just want to see them before he sends them and have the right to say no.

How do I get him to stop doing this and understand how wrong it is to keep doing this to someone?

Surely his reasons for upsetting me don't trump my reasons for wanting him to stop? Surely it is my right to ask my own husband to respect my wish to veto photos of myself shared by him? AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Skybluepinky · 16/12/2025 18:12

Sounds like you are both both the wrong partner, getting petty over nothing.

sittingonabeach · 15/12/2025 16:58

Have you had therapy as this is quite extreme reaction. One thing not to have photos all over social media, another to closely vet photos for family etc.

I always think it is sad for people who have parents who refuse having their photo taken as photos are something to cherish after they are gone.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/12/2025 16:46

To me, unless you're always nitpicking and asking someone to stop / start / change they way they do something, if your spouse asks you to do one minor thing and explains why, and is upset if you don't do this minor thing, then you're a bit of a shit for not doing it. It's not exactly a big effort for him to check which picture you prefer but it stops you feeling upset. So why would he choose to upset you, instead of a wiick check?

NavyTurtle · 15/12/2025 16:27

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:13

Ok, but the picture is now printed and will be seen by anybody who visits. I find it upsetting that he chose to do that against my wishes. The picture is actually ok, I would have chosen it. But it's the fact that he just didn't care how I felt and did it anyway that is upsetting to me.

Show quote history

YABVVU - the fact that everyone who visits will see it!! Seriously?. Why do you consider yourself so important that anyone would be interested in it? I certainly wouldn't.

Themaghag · 15/12/2025 14:56

Catapultaway · 14/12/2025 18:08

I dare to because she asked AIBU. Its literally the point. And the poll suggesys she is indeed being unreasonable 😃
But now you've belittled my feelings, how will i possibly cope

Show quote history

Oh, I'm sure you'll manage!

Catapultaway · 14/12/2025 18:08

Themaghag · 14/12/2025 15:54

How dare you belittle the OP's feelings? Can you not see that this is precisely what her husband is doing every time he posts something without her permission? The OP doesn't have to explain to anyone why she doesn't want her photos paraded to all and sundry. Her feelings are valid and she is entitled to them. The fact that her husband is disrespecting them is shocking and would make me wonder how else he is choosing to disrespect her.

I have every sympathy for you OP - I feel precisely the same about photos.

Show quote history

I dare to because she asked AIBU. Its literally the point. And the poll suggesys she is indeed being unreasonable 😃
But now you've belittled my feelings, how will i possibly cope

Notmyreality · 14/12/2025 16:05

Lavender14 · 14/12/2025 15:59

Sorry op but in this scenario I think yabu.

I understand where you are coming from but really this is a core issue with self worth that you need to address and take control of rather than expecting people to pussyfoot around. The way you talk about yourself (using terms like fugly) is really sad and you deserve so much better. If you wouldn't speak to another person that way why are you speaking that way to yourself?

Honestly go for counselling, look at your social media and filter who you follow to include more influencers who celebrate diversity and try to get to a place of neutrality with your body and appearance.

Exactly this. In the first instance he is being unreasonable for going against
your wishes. But it’s quite obvious the real problem is your self esteem and how you view yourself. It is quite extreme and it isn’t normal and is now impacting day to day normal activities such as sharing family photos and your relationship with your husband. You should seek to address the real issue here.

Lavender14 · 14/12/2025 15:59

Sorry op but in this scenario I think yabu.

I understand where you are coming from but really this is a core issue with self worth that you need to address and take control of rather than expecting people to pussyfoot around. The way you talk about yourself (using terms like fugly) is really sad and you deserve so much better. If you wouldn't speak to another person that way why are you speaking that way to yourself?

Honestly go for counselling, look at your social media and filter who you follow to include more influencers who celebrate diversity and try to get to a place of neutrality with your body and appearance.

Themaghag · 14/12/2025 15:54

Catapultaway · 12/12/2025 23:06

Surely him showing you every photos means you would be reminded of your flaws more than if he just puts a picture on a moonpig card to his mum and sends it..
Its funny because its rediculous.

Show quote history

How dare you belittle the OP's feelings? Can you not see that this is precisely what her husband is doing every time he posts something without her permission? The OP doesn't have to explain to anyone why she doesn't want her photos paraded to all and sundry. Her feelings are valid and she is entitled to them. The fact that her husband is disrespecting them is shocking and would make me wonder how else he is choosing to disrespect her.

I have every sympathy for you OP - I feel precisely the same about photos.

PembeGreyfurt · 14/12/2025 11:23

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 22:51

I hate having my photo taken, and always have, as far back as I can remember, whether I looked great, or looked awful. I think part of it might stem from my mum who had a horrible habit off taking photos unexpectedly that always made me look like shit, and then being argumentatively crappy about it if I asked her to stop it. She would launch into a big lecture about me being vain - but in fact it was the absolute opposite I also had really low self esteem about my looks for a long time. It's not that I am vain, I just hate being reminded of all my flaws.

But it I do let people take pictures of me, there are a few every year, family gatherings and whatnot, and even upload a few to a shared group on Google photos.

I have asked my husband repeatedly, for years, not to share pictures of me without letting me see them first. He does it maybe three times a year, it's not all the time. But I want it to be zero times. I want him only to share photos of me if he lets me see them first and say no if I hate them.

And I always find one picture that I can stand and say yes to that. I never exactly like them, but there will be one that's ok that I will say yep, ok, you can send that.

Once, I actually tried embarrassing him into stopping, he uploaded some fugly pictures to a group chat with another family member and I actually posted "I have asked you not to share photos of me without my consent many times. Please stop doing this". He did stop sharing to group chat at least.

I just found out that he has sent another Moonpig card to his mum, as he does every year - if you don't know, Moonpig lets you upload photos to the card, prints it off and posts it to your recipient.

He casually mentioned it and I said I hope you didn't send a picture of me without me seeing it. He admitted he had, said it was a good picture and I said "But why didn't you ask me?" He said "You would have said no". I said that is the point of consent, I have the right to say no.

As it happens, the picture he shared is the one I would have picked, it's ok. But am I wrong to think that is just not the point, at all? I do not say no to all pictures, I would if I thought that was reasonable, but I understand a few pictures a year is probably something I just have to tolerate.

I just want to see them before he sends them and have the right to say no.

How do I get him to stop doing this and understand how wrong it is to keep doing this to someone?

Surely his reasons for upsetting me don't trump my reasons for wanting him to stop? Surely it is my right to ask my own husband to respect my wish to veto photos of myself shared by him? AIBU to think this?

I voted YANBU. I hate having my picture taken because I just don't photograph well.

As a matter of fact my relationship with someone from another country (where they are known for a lack of boundaries) ended last week over sharing pictures, so I get where you're coming from.

Catapultaway · 14/12/2025 11:15

Brefugee · 14/12/2025 09:15

it IS a blanket term.

We start with young children "no you don't have to kiss weird uncle Steve who stinks of fags and booze" "no you don't have to hug your bully when they are forced to apologise"

OP - you need to be aware when your H is taking photos and put on some of those silly glasses with a fake nose and moustache

Show quote history

You've confused blanket term and applied 2 completely different scenarios

Do you say to your 5 year old... no you dont have to go to school, no you dont have to eat, you can have chocolate for dinner every night... no you dont have to go to bed, no you can watch as much tv as you want

lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2025 10:07

This makes me very uncomfortable on your behalf. He thinks he knows better than you what you ‘should’ feel. He thinks he can coerce you into being his fictional preferred version of you, rather than caring about the person you actually are.

If he’s said he will respect your preferences he’s deliberately lied to you.

Lying and coercion are serious. So is basic lack of care or interest for you as you really are.

Summerunlover · 14/12/2025 09:27

Yabu and really uptight. I can’t imagine being that vain I would need to check what picture my husband had put on a card to his own mother. I would have of thought that as really sweet.

IamnotSethRogan · 14/12/2025 09:23

I duno if you've asked him not to then I guess it's out of order that he keeps doing but it dies sound exhausting.

Brefugee · 14/12/2025 09:16

PollyBell · 14/12/2025 02:08

So when a man does something it is about consent when a women he needs to grow a pair of balls and man up which has been said or variations like it on here many many many times

Show quote history

but not by me. So 😕

Brefugee · 14/12/2025 09:15

Catapultaway · 13/12/2025 23:47

It cant just be applied as a blanket term and compared to rape though can it.
If your child doesnt consent to eating would you let them starve.
They dont consent to going to school... let them stay off.
Dont consent to not running on the road... let them run on it.

Show quote history

it IS a blanket term.

We start with young children "no you don't have to kiss weird uncle Steve who stinks of fags and booze" "no you don't have to hug your bully when they are forced to apologise"

OP - you need to be aware when your H is taking photos and put on some of those silly glasses with a fake nose and moustache

Hedgehogbrown · 14/12/2025 02:58

It's ok to not want your image on social media, but you are making too much of a big deal about having your picture taken. The word fugly is so offensive and horrible, you shouldn't use it. You say you aren't vain because you think you are ugly, but obsessing about your looks like that is vain. I always think it's selfish when people refuse to have their picture taken. When you die, people will want to have photos to remember you by. They aren't going to say 'oh this person is fugly I don't care she is dead' so there is an element of selfishness and narcissism to how you are feeling, like everyone's thoughts are always on how you look, when they couldn't give a shit. Are you on the spectrum? I see this a fair bit with autistic women I know.

PollyBell · 14/12/2025 02:08

Brefugee · 13/12/2025 12:53

Consent is consent. That is why we teach it to VERY young children.

Show quote history

So when a man does something it is about consent when a women he needs to grow a pair of balls and man up which has been said or variations like it on here many many many times

Thuraya17 · 14/12/2025 02:01

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 22:51

I hate having my photo taken, and always have, as far back as I can remember, whether I looked great, or looked awful. I think part of it might stem from my mum who had a horrible habit off taking photos unexpectedly that always made me look like shit, and then being argumentatively crappy about it if I asked her to stop it. She would launch into a big lecture about me being vain - but in fact it was the absolute opposite I also had really low self esteem about my looks for a long time. It's not that I am vain, I just hate being reminded of all my flaws.

But it I do let people take pictures of me, there are a few every year, family gatherings and whatnot, and even upload a few to a shared group on Google photos.

I have asked my husband repeatedly, for years, not to share pictures of me without letting me see them first. He does it maybe three times a year, it's not all the time. But I want it to be zero times. I want him only to share photos of me if he lets me see them first and say no if I hate them.

And I always find one picture that I can stand and say yes to that. I never exactly like them, but there will be one that's ok that I will say yep, ok, you can send that.

Once, I actually tried embarrassing him into stopping, he uploaded some fugly pictures to a group chat with another family member and I actually posted "I have asked you not to share photos of me without my consent many times. Please stop doing this". He did stop sharing to group chat at least.

I just found out that he has sent another Moonpig card to his mum, as he does every year - if you don't know, Moonpig lets you upload photos to the card, prints it off and posts it to your recipient.

He casually mentioned it and I said I hope you didn't send a picture of me without me seeing it. He admitted he had, said it was a good picture and I said "But why didn't you ask me?" He said "You would have said no". I said that is the point of consent, I have the right to say no.

As it happens, the picture he shared is the one I would have picked, it's ok. But am I wrong to think that is just not the point, at all? I do not say no to all pictures, I would if I thought that was reasonable, but I understand a few pictures a year is probably something I just have to tolerate.

I just want to see them before he sends them and have the right to say no.

How do I get him to stop doing this and understand how wrong it is to keep doing this to someone?

Surely his reasons for upsetting me don't trump my reasons for wanting him to stop? Surely it is my right to ask my own husband to respect my wish to veto photos of myself shared by him? AIBU to think this?

Should he respect your wishes? Yes. However, if I were you, and I’m being genuine when I say this, I would talk to somebody, like a professional. This level of obsession and low self esteem can be incredibly damaging to your own view of yourself. If you don’t perceive yourself well it can actually impact how others treat you and although how they treat you is 100 percent their responsibility, how you treat you has a knock on effect to how others treat you. If you want your husband to respect you, you also need to love, respect and value yourself. I’m sure you’re not ‘fugly’, find a friend, journal, therapist, CBT, anything to start loving yourself.

Catapultaway · 13/12/2025 23:47

Brefugee · 13/12/2025 12:53

Consent is consent. That is why we teach it to VERY young children.

Show quote history

It cant just be applied as a blanket term and compared to rape though can it.
If your child doesnt consent to eating would you let them starve.
They dont consent to going to school... let them stay off.
Dont consent to not running on the road... let them run on it.

Laurmolonlabe · 13/12/2025 22:36

It's not unreasonable to expect him not to if you asked-on the other hand wanting absolute veto over your own image does seem extreme (meglomaniacs and narcisists only) so I would insist, but I would go and have some counselling about it.

eatreadsleeprepeat · 13/12/2025 20:29

Wandavision2025 · 12/12/2025 23:27

I don't like the way I look, at all. I just don't think about it much in real life, and it does not stop me doing anything, I have an active life, reasonable job, get out and about. I just don't like being reminded how I look.

Show quote history

This is a very good way of expressing how I feel too. I have worked on it and got a bit better about being in photos or on video calls but still basically feel that the camera brings out my worst look. I get that others will see this as being over controlling but it is about an emotional response to being reminded of what you don’t like about yourself. As you are willing to have some photos shared then he should meet you halfway by letting you pick which ones.

AcademyFootball · 13/12/2025 20:22

This might sound glib, but don’t you think it’s time that you dealt with it properly? Your reaction is completely disproportionate.
You don’t fool yourself that it is normal, you know it’s not- so why not do something about it.

Notthehill · 13/12/2025 20:21

I hear you. Mine did the same, but even worse because he would choose pictures that clearly made me look horrible eg with my mouth open chewing food. He would say that others in the photo looked great so he needed to share the photo.

So, I see where you're coming from and agree 98%, especially when it comes to sharing photos online, printing pictures for a photo album, sending photos to grandparents etc. But I do think if it's just one single photo for his mum's Xmas card I'd overlook it, especially as he chose a nice photo. It's his mum after all and he gets to choose the photo for her (unless he actively tries to make you look bad). You may be "right" in theory, but trying to control as tightly as you are is offputting and could be mistaken for obsessive vanity.

superbakedpotato · 13/12/2025 20:15

YANBU, it's a simple request and he should respect your wishes. But personally I find it a little sad that you don't want people to see certain photos incase they notice your "flaws" - I'm sure no one else even notices these things.