Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

My youngest brother has very significant special needs and he doesn’t get taken away on holiday by anyone. Neither mum nor dad or even both parents together!
I don’t think it’s a sign of poor parenting rather than different parenting and knowing their limits.

Do you really think it was ‘nice’ though? Did you read that he won’t take ds2 on holiday but does take ds1? So given this is his minimal contribution to his child getting a holiday, I don’t think he’s nice.

There may be a financial reason she can't drive.

This is a very helpful post.

i feel like a lot of people are missing the complexity of a child with additional needs. to me this point changes absolutely everything. The care the might need and potentially how safe it is to drive him unless there is another adult to manage his needs. Not that the OP has said this specifically is an issue.

I think everyone needs some help transitioning into the new arrangement and managing the emotions that come with it.

I think you’re both incredibly stressed and it sounds like you’re both trying your best for your children and to support each other but you’ve both found your limit.

Is there some way you could have family therapy? Your oldest son sounds very in need of support as I think his acting out is a form of attention seeking and validation.

You all sound like good people at heart who have found themselves running out of the energy to give each other grace.

I would not want to have to rely on an ex for anything, shared child woth additional needs or not.

Reckon he's been really fair helping you so far, but you really need to work on being able to do things like holidays independently of him.

@PoptyPinthis all sounds very new and raw.

Not that I have personal experience, but think when you have a child with profound disabilities you all have to pull together and accepted that life is more complex. If I read it correctly, he was happy to drive you (you said he does that a few times a year, but is this the first time since you are separated?) but the shopping pushed him over the edge. I get that, it is a long journey in December when the weather and traffic are typically bad. He wasn’t going to end up with much of an evening with the 14 year old. The slot could have kept getting pushed back and he just wanted to get on the road. He didn’t want to wait in the house because that was uncomfortable. It sounds like it all escalated horribly.

I do feel sad he doesn’t take the older son out at all when he has him, but unfortunately there isn’t much you can do about this apart from making the best memories with your son.

how are you going to get home?

Yeah... Ferrying you (and even your, presumably joint, child) around for a holiday that YOU'VE chosen to go on... It's not in his job description any more.

You're split up, and when you split up, you forgo on "favours" like these.

Giving up his Friday night to drive over an hour away, and then home again, to take his ex on a jolly? I'm not surprised he was a bit arsey. And honestly, it was very nice of him to agree to do it.
And then to have to sit and wait while you waiting for a supermarket delivery... Watching his Friday evening slip away? I think he'd justified in snapping.

How were you planning on getting home again? Him to pick you up presumably? Are you paying him for the petrol/time?

You shouldn’t be relying on ex for lifts - don’t let him have any power over you.

However he’s wrong to speak to you like that in front of the kids.

Your eldest is a nasty, disrespectful brat and needs some discipline - but I’m guessing he has had this behaviour modelled by his dad/step dad and thinks it’s ok to talk to you like a piece of shit. If my ds spoke to me like that there would be serious consequences.

Stop asking ex for anything beyond his equal share of care of your ds.

Oh boohoo he had to hang around for a while

sometimes life doesn’t quite run to schedule when you have children and children that need high support even less so

ffs we are talking about the boys father not some random person who has been asked to give them a lift being held up a little is absolutely no excuse for such nasty behaviour and being like this in front of their children highlights what a horrible person he is

Okay, but he’s now being penalised by you because the OP planned a holiday on his weekend?
She can’t control what the ex does, she can within reason control that she learns to drive.
Also it sounds like he was annoyed because he was then asked to hang around to wait for the food shop, whilst the delivery being late is out of the OPs hand, it could have been ordered to arrive earlier.

Do you not want is best for your children just because a father does not step up doesn’t mean a mother should lower herself to his standard of parenting

many single parents compensate for the nrp and we all know that is mainly mothers

the op is not in a situation where she can just easily jump on public transport at times she needs that but more support with their child

the expectations on fathers is so low it’s shocking it’s makes me so angry and sad it’s come to this

But the op chose to take the child away. She didn’t have to. And if her ex is a shit parent that’s a different thing - once you split, you’re split. And whatever the op wants to do she has to organise on her own, within her own capabilities.

Thats the attitude I took and I did 90% of the child rearing and mine lives with me mostly.

if the op wants him to do more she needs a CAO that reflects that. And he needs to be paying maintenance at the CMS level based on the number of nights he has them.

I know I have been ranting on this thread but I see this so often on here and in life - dads claim to find it hard to parent their children for whatever reason or just don't do it well & the mum picks up the slack because if she didn't the child/children would lose out.

Then it becomes a self perpetuating situation and the mum does more while the dad does less.

Seems that is what is going on here. The OP could refuse to take her younger child away too due to not being able to drive & it being a challenge but she doesn't because she knows how much the child benefits from it and she knows the dad will never do it and, crucially, never learn how to do it.

The information that her younger son is disabled is actually in the OP.

But it's HIS weekend to have the children and OP states that he can't cope with the disabled child & never takes him anywhere - despite being able to drive.
That's pretty crap on his part? Where are the people decrying him for not learning to care for his child properly in the same way the OP is being told to learn to drive?

If the OP can take her child away on her own to improve his quality of life then surely the ex should be able to do that too?

Plus he agreed to do it - why do that months before and then make a fuss about it? If he felt it was inappropriate and was resentful then why agree in the first place?

This is the issue with drip feeding posts - the fact you have a severely disabled son was missed out initially. From the initial post I would have said you were being unreasonable and need to be more independent to avoid things like this predictably happening. But its clear now that its a much more complicated situation.

I would suggest that holidays in future are planned either with public transport or taxis arranged.

Also - does your older child have support? Young carer groups are in most areas and can be really helpful for siblings of disabled children.

It’s got nothing to do with being a man or woman, I’d feel the same if it was a separated dad expecting the mum to give me a lift to go on holiday.

FWIW I’m female and I refused to give my ex a lift to the airport when he was taking my kids on holiday. If he wants a holiday he was to facilitate it. Fully. I do not exist to enable him once we split.

Can you get help from Motability to learn to drive?

Lesson learnt for the future is not to ask the ex to give you a lift. I have to be honest, that would have pissed me off - you’re asking him to do a lot of driving. I’m not sure why the weekend had to be on his weekend either?

Also he kind of has a point about the food delivery - you should have ordered it earlier.

but he was also an arse as was your 14 year old. But. Again. Does the 14 year old get a holiday weekend with you on their own? If not, why not?

you need to go to court and sort access, make sure you’re getting the right amount of CM and try
to get your driving licence if you possibly can.

They’re separated, if one parents decides to take the child on holiday, the other parent shouldn’t be expected to facilitate them getting there and getting home, and also shouldn’t be criticised for not being there to parent on the said holiday.
If the other parent decides not to take the child on holiday, then that’s okay also.

I know, it's shocking and just shows how easy it is for men to be lazy, crap dads.

The way women excuse men from properly stepping up to parent their children is constantly mind blowing.

I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread - presumably from other women and mothers too - about how unreasonable OP is expect this "favour" from someone who'd already agreed to do it, for their disabled child.

How old are these dc? You shouldn’t tolerate backchat from eldest, seems like ex is a bad influence. Are you sure this break is worth the pain? How will you be getting home?

Is your child profoundly disabled? OP is pretty much his full time carer which probably means money is tight, sleep is non existent and she has very little ‘free time’ for herself as ex cares for the children while she is working nights (for those who keep suggesting taking driving lessons) - you simply cannot possibly compare your situation to hers.